You will always be my fave meme

"Oh god why?! why does it always do this? Please God, Jesus, whatever deity people pray to, PLEASE fix my PS2!
I want to play Rayman so badly! tell you what, if you can fix it i'll start believing in you"
"so then I stumbled to my knees and beseeched the firmaments , silly as I was, I crumpled my fists together thinking that
was the sure fire way to contact the alien. Though he never responded, I didn't get to play Rayman and I didn't end up taking in the conviction. I never saw the point in believing that an ethereal Dumbledore sat upon the clouds watching me touch my willy as I teeter my head back and forth out the window checking if the coast was clear. I mean, if he really was doing that then I guess that's why so many priests like to do the same".
A hearty laugh sifted through the cold, we both enjoyed these jocular conversations that ranged from the topic of the Third Reich and how Hitler was a pretty dank memester for his time, to existentialism and ontology, and to the occasional inquisition I make into Tony's sex life. The convivial was broken by her, Tony, Tony's girlfriend. I always make remark to this vexing homogeneity, I mean, fuck, did you really have to get a girlfriend with the same first name as you?  Especially when Tony and Tony are planning on marrying, I can only be vicarious of the gaunt job of going through their mail. To him she had always been this beacon of hope, he deified her, in a sense. If there ever was a man worthy of a woman it would be him. If he had the tools I'm sure he'd carve some sort of profound marble sculpture depicting even the minutest of details, as he knew them all like the back of his hand.
 "We'll catch you later Lee",
"see ya guys, don't have too much fun!",
"oh we will"

It always brought out the fervent in me, to see others in innocent happiness, and these two were the quintessential examples.
*crckkk*, ahh yet another one of these dismal drinks, to "keep me going and going and going", or something rather. I put the Redbull can down and wave goodbye as the Mafia couple as I sometimes call them drive off.  Back to this incessant studying in this freezer, god they need to install a heater.  Ah well, a lament can only go so far, only to hit you the harder you throw it, where it would pass right through a Stoic.  That reminds me, my dissertation on the Communist Manifesto was due in a week, and I'd done fuck all.  Lament, Procrastinate, Lamen.. Lamingtons, god now i'm hungry.

I arrive back at the unit, scrounge the fridge for whatever food a dentist would vehemently implore you not to eat, and eat it. I span my body along the dorito stained couch, as if I were a puppet bound not by strings.  I glare at the ceiling, then pull out my phone and engage in the droning swipes and clicks. We were short on COOL RANCH DORITOS, and Mtn Dew too, the essentials to any pubescent college male studying Chemical Engineering as major and Political Science avec Philosophy Studies as minor. The ingenuity of my indolence knew no bounds, Tony could buy these for me and I could wait here watching funny cat videos. Or studying...

Swiping down the contacts list, I call her, or him, I'd distinguish them if I wasn't encumbered by such a heavy procrastinate and masturbate regiment. After dialing him then her, the 2nd dial tone heralded the absence of avail and thus I tossed in my throes knowing I'd have to buy the Mountain Dew and Doritos myself, tomorrow.  As for now, I must ameliorate my DOTA MMR, after Tony threw that other game to pamper Tony's request in exchange for a blowjob, leaving me to fend off as the sole Keyboard warrior.

4 hours had passed, this is around the time that Tony whips up some Raman noodles, and the same time where I'd be telling him to fucking hurry up as I am starving and am inept at cooking. But, that routine had been broken by his tardiness, I suppose...
I hold back my mind from the promenade it tends to go on, and well, I have my exams tomorrow, I think it would be best to rest

I reach over my table to silence that whining child, wait, it's not my alarm. Oh god, I hate these moments where my body has to battle its internal indolence... I notice that sunlight hadn't peeked through the blinds to make sure I was awake, who could be calling at this time? As I walk towards the source of the screeching tone I notice the dismal digital clock reading 4:20, to which I crack a smile, an evanescent one...

I reach that beam of light emanating from the couch, the caller ID reads Tony, most likely male Tony caterwauling to me about his successful venture and then rubbing in my face about how he can attain 20 times more pussy than me, but I always wittingly retort by stating that equals none. I raise the device to my cheek; pressed against me I feel the chill of the steel.
"Lee... are you there?"
"yeah you woke me u..."
I took pause brought by my perplexity, there were all sorts of background sounds coming from Tony's end
"Where are you btw dude?" I inquire
There was an interminable pause, the background noises became distinguishable, murmurs and scuttling footsteps intercepted by timed beeps. Then there it was, a profound lament through a sobbing shudder. This broke the vernacular.
"Kill me, please Lee"
"WHAT? what happened?!"
There was a mixture of loose sounds; there was forlorn sobbing oscillated between primal exasperations, then hapless haphazard sobbing, concluded with a tenebrous silence. I could only sit through the performance dumbfounded, and profoundly worried.
"she.. she's dead Lee"
He halted, taken hostage by too exalted an emotion.
"I'll be there soon"

I soldier the cold, all the while encumbered by the vicarious gaunt thoughts. I hadn't a car, mostly because the mafia provided free lifts from our flat to College, but that was no more. I trudge through the winter cold on my bike, the hospital is a few kilometers out and the path being tortuous and treacherous by the fields of ice patches along the pathways, all factors suppressed by the profound vicarious sorrow, I had always been one to empathize more than others.

The tenebrous had set, but peeked when I had reached light, the light of the hospital. The ingression was unbearable.
"Excuse me, what room is Tony staying at?"
She fiddled with her computer then gave me the room number. Traversing the hallowed halls of such a gloomy place as this exacerbated my sanity, but I hadn't been the one bereaved of the only reason that I live for.

I slid the door open, there he was, with the look of profound torture about him. The room was softly lit with a lustre, peaking above the distant lights seen through the room-high window. His countenance was unfathomably stern, he looked at me in austerity. I walked over and took seat beside him already recognizing the futility in saying something absurd as "Don't worry bro, it will be okay". I knew nothing could succour him. So I sat there and daringly placed my palm on his shoulder. Eyes peeked out at the movement, and then the frigorific pair went back to staring blankly at the ceiling.

I rested there, fatigue beckoning my head towards my chest and my will pulling it back up. I looked over to where Tony was, to where he would have been. It had all been so tragic. As the sun dipped itself below the city-scape a rattling of keys broke the eerie nostalgic silence. Tony entered the room holstering bags of various staples and milk. She placed them in the kitchen area, gave me a quick nod and went to her doings, tending to her baby and such.

It's times like these that my strength flusters and chokes, times where I cannot hold my mind at bay and reluctantly let it stroll down the lane. I couldn't fathom the strength she contains, it's bewildering, especially as a single mother. Women are quite strong. Though I could never suckle from its teet like Tony, to regain sanity from its nutrients, time had never let me do so, even if it was a whole year and a half. I miss my friend, it's utterly unbearable this bereavement. Though, his snare had latched on, I think that at this point, I had been debauched beyond redemption. I blame those fucking philosophy classes.

Tony approaches me from behind, places a hand on my shoulder and checks my well-being, as most people do for me, and to which I could only ostensibly reply. I was never alright, and even worse-off was Tony, yet he kept his jovial routine going.
"And yourself?"
"Yeah I’m alright Lee"
His eyes glinted, I noticed the chill of his palm against my shoulder and felt compelled to reiterate.
"Are you sure?"
Tony stood there frozen in time. Then his gloom had set upon my eyes in a glance that felt like it was eating away at my very soul.
"I don't deserve to live"
His breath of such words seemed to echo through the cold, and god it was cold. Tony, although he never showed it to most, had been the most misanthropic person I knew. He detested the minutest of details about humans; he knew them like the back of his hand for that hand belonged to a human. We tend to not delve this deep in melancholy, but have touched on it a handful of times before, but he tended to only scratch away at the topic with equivocation holding back his sincerity.
"But Tony, you have so much to live for, you have so many people that love you"
"I know Lee, but, you know how I've felt about things lately"
"What about her Tony?! You love her, don't tell me otherwise" I remonstrate
He paused for a brief moment.
"I foresee every smile, every hardship, every moment where I both succeed and fail. But mostly, I see those tiny fuckups, things I could fix if... if I wasn't me"

His words echoed through time, to the present even. They hit me like a tonne of bricks, and, where it did hurt, it had been an honest beating. It seems that man is doomed to repeat history and as Tony put it "an endless cycle of perpetual crap that we could never stop because humans are too lazy to even flush the toilet". I waited till the chill of night to set in, and then I got up to see if Tony is alright before I depart. I find her sitting at her studies with Tony's daughter snuggled in her cot at her table side, and to think the poor child almost died that day.
"I'm just going to go buy some Pizza, be back soon"
"ok, would you mind saving me a slice Lee?"
"sure.. n. no problem"
Realizing the weakness in my voice, I abscond. Dominos was down the road from our Unit, but the road I took went away from the light of civilization. Just as Tony's was.
I pull it out of my jacket; its steel is cold and felt numbing to hold in the palm. The snowcapped trees had engulfed me, and I felt apart of nature for a brief moment. It had been my plan, this venture, for quite some time now, and one must always follow their aspirations, especially when you do it with a friend, or at least the evanescent memory of one. The things that Tony and I talked about seemed to have an underlying sincerity to it all, and I could never defer the sentiment of his forever. But one thing was certain in my mind, that he was wrong about one thing, about us humans. We are endearingly curious.