Chaz Buzwell
By the time this is read by anybody other than myself it will be reality. I Charles Buswell, have ended my life. It is my decision, and i want this. I am sane and thinking very clearly. I should mention that i am perfectly sober at this point in time. Now that this is posted however, i am going to drink a bottle of champagne while i swallow more than the recommended dose of vikes.... I dont think i could pick a better way to go. Ill enjoy my last high and say my final farewells. Hope and wait? Sometimes life requires a daring choice, and the guts to stand and dance till you drop. This is my last dance, this is my leap of faith. I’m not being pushed; I’m stepping off the ledge with an idea i intend to follow. (i think this gets the record).............................................................................................................
Mom and Dad: You need to know that i love you both so much. This is not how i wanted the world to end between us but i honestly and from the bottom of my heart believe it to be the best decision for me. You both have loved and supported me in times when other parents would have just let the lions have their way with me. I respect you both but I'm afraid you will never know how much. You have helped me out countless times and i owe you so much. One regret i have is not being able to repay your love and kindness and for that i am so very sorry. Never forget that i love you and that I'm always just a prayer away. I couldn't have asked for a better more loving set of parents. Thank you both so much and don't you dare blame yourselves for the decision i have come to. It has no connection to you at all. In fact, you are two of the reasons that are making this choice so difficult. I need peace. I'm off to find it. Please know that it wasn't rape, and that we BOTH loved each other very much. Life just makes things complicated between people sometimes. I think you both can understand that better than maybe anyone.. I love you more than most the people i say it to, and ill always love you. Until next time.
Butch and Paul: I just wanted to say thank you... and to remind you to work on your card games, i can only let you win so many times. hhahahhaa. I love you both, as brothers and family i made. And i think that says a lot about how you should both know i feel about you. Until next time fellas
Gideon: My brother... you are one hell of an individual. I Have always looked up to you and always enjoyed your company. From as way back as i can remember, spending time with you has always been one of my favorite ways to explore time. I remember when skipping school to go to the science center with you was like a dream come true. Learning from you and trying to beat you in chess has been time well spent in all respects. I love you and ill miss you dearly. I hope you bring as much happiness to your new family as you brought into my life. Our family was truly blessed when you came into the world. I think I'm finally about to understand everything and know nothing. Thank you for the conversations we’ve had lately. They have been something that has kept me from making this decision sooner. Tonight i simply realized we were only prolonging the inevitable. I actually beat you tonight... remember our game? Tonight i commanded the world, it wasnt how i planned... and the world certainly didn't listen but i realized that the world i was born into is generations behind the world i wanted to rule. Its sad, but i finally realized that if i spent my whole life trying to wake our people up and move us forward that i would never see my dream even if we would one day be a united planet and a united people....... I'm not giving up, call it spectating just to see if you have what it takes. I do, but the world lost me today. I'm off to find my happiness in a world i do not yet know. Knowing and not knowing sounds a lot like knowing its out there, but not knowing what “it” is... Until next time my friend
Corinne: You are the best sister a little kid could have hoped for. Did you know my earliest memories are with you? You taught me so much and one of the greatest things in my life is the music you set me on a path to find. With that first random pile of CDs you gave me i have listened to notes that rung together to create the sounds i wouldn't want to have lived without. Thank you for showing me so many such things that the world had to offer. Carrots with brown sugar and butter? Haha yummmm. There are so many things i would like to say but i only have so much time. I love you Rinney... and i know your son will be happy with you as a mother, because there isn't a better one out there. Until next time.
Gary: You’re an awesome mother fucker...... hahaha and i love you. Hanging out with you and even just coming over to your house when i was little are memories that i always liked. If your boy is anything like his dad the world is a lucky place. I love you man, and I'm sorry we never did more together. Its my fault for being such a fucking Pollock all the time tho..... hahahhahaha but I'm glad you let me tag along all those times. I'm proud of every moment i spent with you, and i never failed to learn something. Thank you. Until next time.
Freddy: I don't know what to say. You are my brother and i love you, but we never got along. I'm not sure why... It may be stupid but i always felt challenged and intimidated around you. Like i could never be good enough for you to say you were proud of something i did. Like when i got my black belt? It was never, “Nice work dude,” or “Haha if you want to really learn to fight, ill teach you how to take a punch.” I haven't told too many people this, but i went into my first real fight thinking i was too much for the guy to handle. He beat my ass so bad i was afraid a few of my bones were broken. I wasn't even close to being ready for fighting 5 dudes at once... They left me to wake up in a pile of my own fluids... it took me a while after i woke up just to realize i was in a cell. I didn't leave the cell for a few days after that one. Haha you know what the sick thing about those experiences are? Now, i don't lose... i learned that a punch is only as strong as the last one that hit you, and if the last ones bruises have healed and your bones are back to normal, then who can really hurt you? I think out of all my siblings i wanted you to accept and respect me the most. I liked it when you were hard on me, it made me want to be better. I'm sorry i couldn't be the little sidekick you wanted to hang around with. I think our age is what kept us away from being friends. I hope you know that i tried to learn what you had to teach.. ill miss you and our talks, however few there were. Until next time.
Misty: You are my idol. I wanted to be like you so much its crazy. The success, the happiness, the family... you are living out my dream. You have almost everything i wanted from this life.. I wanted to have a house in the south of France, work all around the world, and have a loving family to come home to every night... Thank you for just being you. For being my sister, and loving me even though you really had no time to spare. You keep up what you’re doing and turn that boy of yours into the happy little champ that only your son could be. Ill miss the conversations and the wine we could have had to make them just that much better. When the mood is right, toast to my happiness for me... just now and again through the years when you remember it. Id like that. I'm off to find it no matter where it takes me. I love you misty. You and your family have a wonderful future ahead of you. Until next time.
Jessie and Nikki: To you i owe my greatest apology.. i loved you both just a little too much. For being such a terrible rock to lean on and grow up with i am forever sorry. You would have been so much better off growing up without me in your lives. I wish i had been a better person for all our sakes. i love you, and never give up on the life you want. Anything is possible. If i can find my happiness, anyone can. Good luck you two, ill watch over you as best i can from where I'm going.. Remember to smile. Until next time.
Heather: When i heard about James i cried like i wanted to flood my cell. I kept thinking why the hell did death take someone so great when i would have gladly given my life to save him. It didn't seem fare that he was taken from you and Kobe and God just left me sitting in my cell night after night. I cried and prayed and screamed at God for being so fullish. He was a great man and I'm sorry i wont be able to keep a promise i made to myself. I told myself that when i made my life the way i wanted that i would help take care of you and that awesome little kid of yours even if it ruined me. You both mean so much to me. James was a lucky man to have you both, and I'm looking forward to seeing him very soon. Ill make sure he is OK wherever he is and ill send him your love. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm even more sorry that i couldn't be there for the funeral. Stay strong, you know we all love you. Until next time.
Bruce: Role model number two...... I was always told to be like you and Misty for as long as i can remember.. I always had a good time when you were around. You are everything i wanted to be as a man. I never met anybody who could inspire love the way you are able to. You walk in the room and things just get a little brighter. Its something about you and it has always impressed me. A charisma that iv tried to emulate in my life and never yet come close to. I have nothing but respect for you and everything you do. I love you and will surely miss you. Until next time.
Denis: I wish you had been the person to end my life. It would have given us both some closure to whatever you could describe as our relationship. I hope you know i hate myself as much as you could possibly have ever hated me. If you think I'm wrong you need only ask yourself why i have come to the decision i have. I met someone who didn't care, and loved me no matter what. Now shes gone and so is my self respect. Along with the happiness I'm looking for, even tho sometimes i feel i don't deserve it. I'm sorry, and i know how it feels to let an addiction become your life. The biggest difference between you and me? I don't want to live without what made me feel so alive.. until next time.
Josie: I owe you an explanation. You are an amazing friend and i have loved you for a long time. None of this was in anyway your fault and you need to understand that. Not sure why you ever felt like that in the first place... Life happened to me and my choices are what brought me to where i am today. I don't know what got so messed up between us but i will always consider you a friend... one of the absolute best. Don't change a thing and keep doing what it is that you do. Its working for you. Have fun in life, and try not to take everything so seriously. A well placed smile with a little laugh can change the course of history. Just ask the Kara, she rewrote the life i was never supposed to have. Good luck with everything, i know the world will be a better place because you are walking out into it. Until next time
DJ: My homie.. My broski.. that bad ass mother fucker iv come to respect in my life. You are one rare dude. i love you man.. A friend who sticks around no matter how deep the shit gets? A rare thing indeed. You are the brother i didn't know i had. I'm only sorry we wont be ruling the world together like we planned. Best friends with drinks in hand deciding the fate of the world over some cigar in the other... it would have been fun. Tons of fun. But your tough enough and smart enough to handle world domination by yourself. Hahaha i know you have it in you. Just like you have what it takes to play one on one with Renaldo. Someday, if you work your ass off, this world will be at your fingertips. Never give up. Never give in. And remember to keep your fucking promise... Good luck buddy. You can do it even if god is like “there's no way...” hahahhahaha. Ill be keeping my eye on you to make sure you keep your shit together. You better believe that. Same thing with that cool ass little bro of yours. I hope you two realize how awesome the other is sooner or later. Bad Boys for life? You’ve had one another all along... Good luck you two. Also remember who you are.. don't let a late night companion become your life.. Everyone has a vice. When i said never give in or up, well.... it goes double for the vices of this world. Great men have become nothings because they were too caught up in pleasures and addictions to handle the world they were trying to rule.. Remember the only lesson Scarface was meant to teach. “Once you have the world, it doesn't mean its just going to be yours forever.” Grab it by the balls, the hearts and minds will follow... And remember that you aren't the only one trying. So work hard, and finish better.. even if somebody beats you there. Until next time
Sasha: I have to say i have grown to truly enjoy our conversations.. you just understand exactly what i wanted to say. You are so uniquely smart. It made me think the world wasn't always hopeless because there are probably more out there like you. I just wanted to say good luck, and if you don't give up, i know you'll find the guy you’re looking for.. People like us do exist. haha i think us existing is the proof isn't it? Until next time my alien friend
Brandi: My other sister... hahaha i love you so much. You are always a smile that's brought to my face. Everyday you find a way to make me smile. I wish i could hang out with you and Mary till i grow old and gray.... but id never be truly happy. You asked me today if i was happy. i said no. you asked me if i was happy right then at that point in time. i said yes. If you can understand that contradiction you realize what a blessing you have been to me. what an amazing person you are and how you affect others' lives. Making happiness from misery is a hard task. Yet you do it every time we get together. I owe you so much more than i could hope to repay in three of four lifetimes. For that i am sorry. and I'm so sorry that I'm leaving you this way but its the only way i think i could ever be truly happy again. We both know what torture it is to live without the ones we love most.. that's why i have to go and find a new place for myself. A new something. Anything.. As long as it gets me away from the memories that dwell inside me everyday, i will be happy. Thank you for being one of the best friends anyone could ask for. I love you B. Always will. Until next time.
Leah: A girl i could not leave out of my final farewell... How could i forget a person i was truly happy with? Hahaha quite a coincidence in where people find their happiness isn't it? You are a person i love even when you aren't mine to love. You were the biggest part of my life at one time, and a person like that never fades from your thoughts for very long. I think of you always and hope you are doing well. From what i hear you’re doing great and i couldn't be happier for you. Ill miss you Miss Swift, and i hope you find what you’re looking for. i love you, and i mean it. Until next time
Katy: I told you so.. hahaha yes, with my last words I'm saying i was right and that i predicted what was to come. No, but seriously... i know you are one of the people who changed my life for the better. I'm not sure why exactly but i know i could always smile when i was with you. And that is certainly something. I wish all the best for you and anyone in your life. No matter what loser you tag along with we both know you are capable of much bigger things than Starbucks. I will miss you and all our random adventures. I know you'll go far. i love you. Tell mom shes awesome and ill miss her too. shes one of the greatest. Until next time.
Megan: Never give up. You are too smart to not become important to the world one day. You have already made your mark in certain peoples lives. Now i know you can do the same thing to the world. Don't think life is terrible and nobody understands.. There are great people out there. I think you are proof enough of that. This world has so many beautiful wonders and secrets just waiting to be unearthed. Go look for them and do it with a smile on your face. because its not where you end up in life.... its the road you took, that holds all your memories. Enjoy the world Meggers, live it up enough for the both of us. I love you and ill miss you. Until next time.
Candice: You didn't think id leave you out did you? Haha not by a long shot. I'm really sorry how things worked out between us, but I'm glad they happened the way the did, rather than having never met you. Iv never met someone who could just be so good a person. A smile from you is like ten from someone else. All that fun and excitement wrapped up in such a cute package... i often missed being able to just hold you and watch some movie that neither one of us really cared about. Or go do something random and fun where we laugh uncontrollably the whole time.... hahaha i don't think i ever had a bad time with you. Iv missed you already, and that wont change. Go make some guy as happy as you made me. I think if you have a child, the world will have created the best Mom there could be. Haha i know kids are not your top priority, but you said the same thing about gymnastics after you fell.. Then you went and were amazing, like nothing ever happened. Whatever you do Candi, just do your best and the world will thank you. I know, iv seen the wonderful person you get afraid to show off. Show her off. Until next time
Chica: Well here we are.. This is just one of the countless letters iv written to you over the years. Its crazy that we can say that now huh? “Years..” I hope honesty is what you wanted to hear from these words because i have nothing but honesty left to give. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. In some senses i think i have... Living with the memories and thoughts of you everyday i realize i haven't been alone in a long time. Not since i met you. You go with me everywhere, and you give me reasons to be the best me i can. That's saying a lot. Before i met you i had just about given up on life. On finding anything in this world that i wouldn't eventually get tired of. Basically i thought the world had nothing left for me. Yeah, you really did mean that much to me. An incredible new something that was oddly perfect. A single purpose for me to stay alive, and explore the world while you showed me the strange view you see it from. I was in love Chica........... Pure, simple, stupid love. I felt for you a feeling that most men and women search there whole lives and never find. In that respect i am the second luckiest man in the world. The first being the man you now say, “i love you,” to every night. I honestly hope you can be happy together. Or with some other Mr. "right.“ But deep down in the very meaning of my being, i know you are the girl for me. It just feels too powerful and right to be anything but. I know you felt it too.. at one point when your eyes shined and your face smiled because you were waking up with me, you felt it. Walking around my house in whatever you wanted, and cooking GC grilled cheeses... hahaha they are the only way to eat a grilled cheeses. The knowing without knowing that it was meant to be, if only for that moment in time. Whatever you feel now we both know you understand what I'm saying. Its why you think of me as much as i think of you. Why you think of me especially when you’re trying not to. Its why i cant go on. It hurts too much and i cant keep living with this death i carry inside me. Iv already said no one is to be blamed for my death. That goes triple for you. This is my, and only my decision. You taught me that we always have a choice. That in the end, and when it counts, that we shape our own destinies. I think that's what you and i were trying to do with each other.. shape our own destinies around each other. I just don't understand why you wouldn't fight for the one we both know we wanted. Did you think there had to be something better than what you felt with me? Whatever changes you’ve gone through to put you here today i hope have made you a better person. And if you don't think so, go look in the mirror. Look at that beautiful and mischievous genius hidden behind those captivating brown eyes.. You see the strength and purpose that iv tried in so many ways to explain is there. I know you see it. The hidden wonder in the darkness that literally shines from the darkness in your eyes. Now do you sort of understand what i said back in May? “who are you?” the person i saw that day was just too perfect for me to touch, but she wrapped her arms around me.. told me she loved me.. told me that she always would.. told me forever and fucking always no matter what came between us.. told me her name was kara and she had loved me before she ever met me.. because on some level she knew i was out there somewhere, just waiting to be found. Do you remember that night about a week before musical? The night we were laying in my bed and you said if you could die, right then and there wrapped up in me, that you thought you would be forever happy. Then you got real serious when you looked in my eyes and said, “No... not now. Maybe after musical tho. Is it sad that i only care about you and musical?” Hahaha I think we were supposed to go that night, or maybe on a night just like it after musical.. And if I'm crazy then maybe i was supposed to go alone, on the first try... Yes, maybe i don't think you were supposed to save me. If i had been even a little smarter about it, i would have been gone before anyone was able to get to my house. Thank you though. I thank you and my two friends who were there for me that day, and especially the big guy, officer Right, whose face i can only remember because of you Chica... I have very little memory of that day, but i remember you and the tears we both cried. Think back to that day.... If i hadn't of made it, if i had ended then, who would you have turned to? Yeah, it was him wasn't it? That's why you feel so happy with him. Its why you want to move on so damn bad. I think this is what is supposed to be. Maybe I was never supposed to be... an accident that was pure and utter chance. A baby that proved science wrong. Maybe if i had been gone in Feb or maybe before i met you, you would have been with him sooner. The lies would have stopped sooner. You and your dad would be sleeping better at night, knowing without knowing that its not me on the roof. The pain wouldn't still be in the back of your mind, knowing I'm walking around this planet somewhere. You wouldn't have a FB to zombie-spy on when you’re all alone. You would be over me, because you would have no other choice. Because there would be no me to dwell on. There is still that part of you who just wants to say “fuck the world” and come fall asleep in my arms listening to the sound of my voice. I call her KC. I’m not giving that part of you the choice to decide what you want or what you need. I'm doing what i think is right for you, and for me.. I'm making our reality. No more choices, no more memories. Just what is, and what isn't. You are what is Chica... something so beautiful and amazing. I am what isn't supposed to be... something dark, that feeds the darkness in you and makes life carefree no matter how deep the shit we walk through is. Its why things are so good right now. You are with who you were supposed to end up with at this point in life. Life is being smooth and nice because you are not fighting with it. I think i finally realize why being with you felt so good. Staying with you was breaking the ultimate rule; we fought with Fate. Rules have always been something you and i agreed on. We both loved getting away with breaking them and playing with the pieces of the rules that we broke and knowing they couldn't hold us back. That together we were stronger than invincibility. I think its why we never got caught together... you cant give an addict a private island and all the food and drugs he can grow, it just wont end well. You were my drug, and i was your island. You got me high, and you came to me to get away from the rest of the world. Haha maybe we both did a little of each of those... but regardless, every time we met, it was you and me defying your dad/fate/destiny/God/Mr 26 or any other higher power you can name. You were my yin and i was your yang. We fit so right that it was wrong in the eyes of the world. I just want you to know that I'm taking your advice and moving on. I'm going to look for the happiness i cant have without you. I'm taking a chance on chance. I'm leaving this world and not looking back. You said you wanted to be without me, so I'm giving you as much “without me” as i can. And coincidentally our happiness will come from the removal of my existence as a human on earth for the time being. No more me = no more problems as far as “us” is concerned. Doesn't that just sound like one giant relief? Like every other time we tried to end “us,” but instead we always came crawling back to each other... we still have that problem, but no more. I had this whole thing planned out and was prepared to end it Monday with no note and no farewells. But i realized what the date was and i cried till i made myself think of another way. I just couldn't do it on the 26th... I chose to make my end my last gift to you. What i feel you want, just as much as i want happiness for myself. Together it seemed a choice too good to resist. So, i wish you all the happiness one can get from this world. I love you more than words can say, and ill be thinking about you all night and each and everyday. I'm just sorry we couldn't share my dreams, or help you live yours. But you’re so strong. You can do anything you set your mind to. I think I have been living proof of that. You have kept me alive against all odds so far. If you don't become a super spy one day ill be shocked. If not then maybe Broadway? But regardless... This is me trying to move on. Now I'm letting go of you and seeking a new form of happiness. There's got to be something greater out there. I refuse to believe this is all there is. Ill never give up on you Chica, but i had to let go of the memories.. I honestly mean it when i say once iv had you, i would rather die than live without you. Death cant be worse than this living hell my mind has created for me. I know I'm obsessed.. but when an addiction like this comes around you have to try it before you say its wrong. How could something that made me want to be the best i could be, in anyway be bad? How could something that made me smile on my worst days, be wrong? How does the world consider a passion with indescribable love, unhealthy? Something that gave me the will and ambition to live is unhealthy, bad, and wrong? I refuse to believe something so ridiculous.. How could i have somebody so perfect for me and expect to be as happy with anyone else? It doesn't matter how things turned out, if you can look back and smile knowing you were happy... then it was right. Yeah, i was happier in the middle of the night on a weekday in the middle of April, than i was on any other day of my past; if it was one of the nights i spent with you. I think that means it was right, fuck what fate wanted, it was RIGHT. Ill never give up on you Chica, even though i feel like i should be singing “Grenade” and hating myself for caring so much about you. I'm sure ill never forget you even if i try. I love you way you lie.. and we both know you haven't stopped. Until next time BABY(your always mine, and I'm always yours. its why it still slips when we get emotional). Haha in this life or the infinite number of lives after this, ill never stop loving you. Remember... I'm already there. And ill always come for you, but only if you want me to. No love song has shit on us Chica, we are the reason people write them. Sweet Dreams beautiful, this isn't me giving up... I'm fighting for what i believe in, when i have no more choices that make you want me more than all the rest. The world is mine, I'm giving it to you. Enjoy it the way i wanted to with you. Forever and Always yours............................Prince/themanwholovedyoumost
It’s never goodbye, everything is only temporary. The end of one thing is just the beginning of something else. The question is.... What? not why.
To anyone else who feels i should have said something to you... I'm sorry. I wish i could have spent more time with you all. My train is leaving and i could only say goodbye to the people who are standing out most in my mind. Oh and Ron? don't think of ever quitting this life, it wouldn't be the same without your presence...Until next time my friend. People please... be happy? I think i finally will be. Its the hope I'm riding out of this life and into what comes next. Everybody dies, right? I think that means this choice cant be wrong.. Good luck, and.... Until next time, whenever that may be.... ill be hoping, and waiting for you while i do. I'm too stubborn to give up. I'm too fixed on this choice to change my mind. I'm almost at peace.... Nick, i want to thank you for being honest. thank you for just telling me to pull the trigger. remind kara to thank you. this is me, thanking you. im not sick buddy......... if i were sick more people would be dead than me. just ask my dad, he will live because i am leaving and going to pull this trigger alone, the same way we come in.... naked, and alone. i love you kara, ask nick........... its the reason im choosing this. so i can leave you alone. this is me leaving the world and you alone....... please just believe that i love you kara. thats all i want to be known...... i love you. i always have, and i forever will
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