Common Sense Anon

"So you're saying that Celestia only sent you two tickets, Twilight?"
>"Yes! I have five really important friends and also Applejack, but I can only bring one with me! I just don't know what to do..."
"Did you try asking her for more tickets? Princess Celestia seems like a very kind and understanding ruler and she definitely cares about you."
>"But... I don't want to waste her time with such a pointless request!"
"Are you calling your friends pointless?"
>"Well... no..."
"And she's your teacher, Twilight. It's her job to help you. Just ask her. It won't take but a second."
>"...Alright, Anon."
>A few minutes pass
>"She gave me five more tickets, Anon!"
>You just smile.
"Good, good. Have fun with your friends, Twilight."

>"Anon, Applejack refuses to see sense! What do we do?"
"Get your friends together, show up at her farm, and refuse to leave until she lets you help her. If she gets angry, just remind her that you're her friends and that friends help friends."
>"But... we don't want to make her feel useless!"
"Friends never make friends feel useless, Twilight. You're just helping her with a problem. And she's too stubborn to realize she needs help."
>"Well... Alright. I sure hope she doesn't get angry..."
>A few days later
>"Oh hey, Anon! Applejack didn't want to accept our help at first, but we kept pressing her and she finally gave in. Good thing, too; she looked like she was about to pass out!"
"I'm happy to hear that, Twilight."

>"I don't know what to do, Anon!" Pinkie shouted, popping out of your shirt
>You pull the pony the rest of the way out of your clothing and set her on the ground.
"What's the problem, Pinkie?"
>"There's this new mean griffin in town and she's stealing Rainbow Dash away!"
"...She's kidnapping Rainbow Dash?"
>"Well... no. But Gilda won't let me hang out with her!"
"Oh, her. Dash told me she had a friend coming to town. Pinkie, Gilda came here all the way from the griffin kingdoms. That's several hundred miles. Is it really so bad that she wants to spend time with an old friend?"
>"Well... No. But she doesn't have to be so mean about it!"
"I did some research about griffins. They're a lot more naturally violent than ponies. It seems this Gilda is no exception. But she wants to be with her friend and she presumably doesn't want you around. Just give her time to be with Dash. I mean, would you want anyone interrupting your time with an old friend if you hadn't seem them in years?"
>"...I never thought about it like that. But why doesn't she want to be friends with me? And why does she steal?"
"Probably because she's a fucking bitch. But she's still Dash's friend, so you should leave her be. Or report her to the guards if you see her stealing things. But don't go spending time with her. No reason to poke an ant's nest and possibly ruin a friendship."
>"Well... Alright, Anon. I guess that makes sense... But I have to plan a Gilda's Gone Party now!"
"...Have fun with that."

>"Who does she think she is?" Rarity muttered, glaring up at the stage where some showmare was performing.
"She's a magician, that's who."
>"That doesn't mean she has to show off!" Dash barked back.
"...Do you not know what a magician is? Her job is to build a crowd and then show off. That is the entire purpose of her career. If you don't like her show, you're free to leave."
>Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash mutter to themselves, glaring at the showpony on stage. With a collective shrug, they all walk away, allowing a few colts and fillies access to the front row.
>You just settle in to watch, still liking the magic that happens in Equestria.

"Celestia asked you to do WHAT?"
>"Oh it's no big deal," Twilight said, smiling as she packed one of her saddle bags.
>You roll your eyes and clear your throat.
"Spike, take a letter."
>"Aww, do I have to?"
>Did you fucking stutter?
"Yes!"
>He just grumbles and gets the writing material together and Twilight rolls her eyes and continues packing.
"Dear Celestia, while Twilight and her friends are rather capable at some tasks, I am doubtful that you should send them to handle a full grown dragon. With the impetuousness a few of them hold and Fluttershy's crippling fear of dragons, a disaster is almost definitely going to occur unless a miracle happens. This is something that, respectfully, you should get off your lazy ass—"
>"ANON!" Twilight yells, glaring at you.
>That doesn't deter you.
"Lazy ass and do yourself. This is the future of your kingdom and the Elements of Harmony. Why risk them like this? If you fly up to the top of the mountain and tell the dragon to leave, he almost definitely will. You control the sun. Stop acting like no one will from any nations will listen to you. Respectfully, Anonymous."
>Twilight's glaring at you and is about to say something before Spike lights the letter up.
>"That was completely irresponsible and a waste of time!" Twilight says. "You're lucky I was too late to stop him from sending it! I can just imagine what she'll say—"
>She's cut off as Spike belches out a letter. A smug look grows on her face as Spike opens it and begins to read aloud. "Dear Twilight, please contact your friends and tell them their services are no longer needed. It was brought to my attention that this is a matter I should take care of myself. Your loving teacher, Princess Celestia. Oh hey Twilight, you have time to reshelve the library now!"
>From the look on Twilight's face, you decide going home is a good idea.

Skipping Look Before You Sleep.

"Hey, where the hell did everyone go?"
>Before your eyes, the town suddenly went completely empty. You could see a few shutters closing and it felt like dozens of eyes were watching you.
>But you continued undeterred. You want some fucking pie and you aren't stopping until you get it.
>Before you reach Sugarcube Corner, however, you find a pony wearing a strange cloak.
"Hello! I don't think I've seen you in town. Do you know where everyone went?"
>The pony turns to you, showing off her very oddly colored face.
(I'm too lazy to come up with rhymes for shitty one shots)
>"You're something I've never seen," the mare says. "I have no idea where everyone went. The town always empties like this when I come in from the Everfree."
"Strange. Well, my name's Anonymous. I make my life giving out advice."
>"I am Zecora. Do you want to help me search for the ponies of this town?"
"Sure. I was just on my way to Sugarcube Corner. That place is always busy, so surely someone will be there."
>The two of you begin walking toward the confectionery.
"So what brings you to Ponyville?"
>"I'm here to buy herbs. I can't find everything I need in the forest."
"Alchemy?"
>"Indeed. It is useful to keep a stock of potions where I live."
"I can imagine. Why not move to Ponyville? A lot safer."
>"It would be, yes. But I have a reason for living where I live."
"Eh, if you say so. Well, here we are."
>You try pulling the door open, but it seems stuck. So you shrug and pull harder, tearing the thing open and pulling out Pinkie, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash, all of whom seemed to be holding the door closed.
"The hell?"
>"Anon, get away from her!" Rarity shouted, rushing out to try to pull you in.
"Why?" you ask, not moving.
>"She's an evil enchantress!" Pinkie said, hopping to her hooves from the pony pile.
"She's a charming zebra from out of town. She's just here to pick up some herbs. Not evil at all."
>"...Not even a little?"
>"Not even a little," the mare herself says. "What would give you that idea?"
>"You wear that ugly cloak!" Rarity quickly says. "...No offense, of course."
>"And you're always scratching at the ground!" Dash adds.
>"And your eyes glow!" Fluttershy quietly finishes.
>"I wear the cloak because it's cool outside and my fur is short. Scratching at the ground is a habit I picked up from my homeland, when water was scarce. And my eyes glow because of a potion I imbibed that allows me to see better in the dark to more easily navigate the forest. I'm not evil and I'm certainly not here to hurt anypony."
>"I told you!" Twilight and Apple Bloom both said, stepping out of the bakery at the same time.
"Yay, everyone's a big happy family. Pinkie, you got any pie made?"

>A few days later...
"The hell is that?"
>Fluttershy just walked into Sugarcube Corner with some weird bug thing in her hair.
>"I've never seen anything like it!" Twilight said excitedly.
>Few words happen.
>"Pinkie, do you want one?"
>"Ugh, no! Now I have to go find a trombone!"
"Why?"
>"Because that's a parasprite!" Before she can rush off, you grab her tail.
"So what's a parasprite?"
>"It's a really annoying bug thing that eats everything and then doubles and doubles until your entire town is gone! Something like that happened at my old town, Stone Falls, and everypony was homeless for weeks until we found out that music calms them enough to get rid of them."
>Twilight and Fluttershy look at each other and then the three parasprites floating around above them.
"Twilight, grab those three things. Let's save Pinkie some trouble and just throw these things into the forest."
>"Yeah..."

"Twilight, you're afraid of some small animals."
>"And?"
"So you can't really help Fluttershy, now can you."
>"Well..."
"And you don't have wings so you can't help Dash. You grew up in Canterlot where there are no lakes, so you don't know how to skate. You're a flimsy unicorn and have a doughy librarian booty, so you aren't strong enough to help pull blows."
>"Hey!"
"Relax! I like me some jiggle."
>You can't tell if her blush is from anger or embarrassment.
"Anyway, you can't help Rarity because no one really has any flair for helping the birds but her. All you're really good at is organizing and shit. Why not ask the mayor if she needs any help with that?"
>She sighs. "I guess I could... But if that doesn't work, I'll go help Fluttershy!"
>A few hours later..."
>"So as it turns out," Twilight was saying, "they're always really behind on Winter Wrap Up! With my organizational skills, I was able to get them done several hours early!"
"...I know, Twilight. I was there, helping Fluttershy."
>"Oh yeah! So about my... librarian booty..."

Skipping Call of the Cutie

>Ah, fall. It's a wonderful season. Shame the ponies have to ruin it by being annoying.
>You were asked to judge a competition between Rainbow Dash and Applejack about who was the better athlete.
"So let me get this straight, Dash. You think that because you have wings, you're automatically a better athlete than Applejack?"
>"Well... no."
"So why are you using your wings to win?"
>"I told her it was unfair!" AJ shouted.
"It is unfair. Rainbow Dash, to compete like this, you have to do it under fair terms."
>"But then I'll lose!" she shouted.
"Then you're not the better athlete. It's not that hard. If you can't compete without using an unfair advantage, you're not as good as she is."
>"But... but...!"
>"No buts, Rainbow!" AJ said. "Anon knows best, everypony knows that!"
>"Ugh! Totally uncool."

"So you're saying that you don't like the outfits that the expert came up with?"
>"It's not that we don't like them..." Twilight half-heartedly said. None of the five could meet your gaze.
"Try them on then look at yourselves in the mirror."
>"Well... Okay, Anon."
>Ten minutes later.
>"Oh Celestia... Rarity, these dresses are perfect! And to think we would have had you make new ones..."
>"That would have been quite a workload," Rarity sighs, hanging her head for a moment. "But I'm so happy that you like them!"
"Thank God I don't need a fucking dress..."
>"Oh, about that," Twilight said, her horn lighting up. "Princess Celestia wanted to reward you for all that you've done for everyp0ny here!"
>With a flash, a golden ticket appeared next to her and floated to you.
>"She wanted you to have a ticket to the Gala as well!"
"...Oh joy."
>Sadly, none of the ponies know what sarcasm is.
>"I'll get started on your suit right away, dahling!" Rarity says, smiling widely.
>Fuck your life.

Skipping Feeling Pinkie Keen, because not even Anon can deal with Twilight's retardation in that one.

>How the fuck did you get roped into going to Cloudsdale?
"Ugh. Yes, Rarity, your wings are pretty. But you really need to tone down on the way you're acting."
>"But... they're so fabulous! I just can't keep them to myself..."
"That's no excuse to be a show-off. You're here to support Rainbow Dash, not steal the show."
>"Hm... I was thinking about signing up for the competition, actually."
"You're here. To support. Your friend. What part of that is hard to understand? Don't you want Rainbow Dash to succeed in her dream? Stealing the show wouldn't be very generous."
>"...Oh bother, you're right. Very well, I shall... refrain from my actions. I'm not a true pegasus anyway, after all. It's only fair that I not compete in a competition for them."
"Damn right. Now come sit on my lap. I quite like those butterfly wings you got there..."

"Fluttershy, just because you can handle animals doesn't mean you can handle children."
>"...Are you sure, Anon? I mean, I can take care of Angel and all my other critters just fine!"
"Critters can't talk back. And they don't misbehave that often because you control their food. The Cutie Mark Crusaders are little bloody devils."
>"Hey!" all three of them shout.
>Oh yeah. You forgot they were there.
"Long story short, you really shouldn't be taking care of them."
>"Well... Okay."
>"Ahem!" You all look over to see a rather unhappy Rarity. "So Anonymous, since you just talked one babysitter out of the job, I assume that *you're* up to the task?"
"Well—"
>"Good. Girls, Anonymous will be taking care of you tonight."
>"Yay! Cutie Mark Crusaders bloody devils!"
>Fuck.
>A few days later
"So where the hell did Twilight go?" you ask nobody in particular.

Skipping show stoppers

>Fuck gem hunting.
>Fuck giant dogs
>Fuck kidnappers
>Fuck caves
>"So now pony and ape thing slaves!" one of your captors howls.
"You're joking, right?"
>"Not joke, ape thing! Dig!" It shoves a shovel in your hand.
"Rarity is one of the elements of harmony. I'm a unique, basically extinct creature. As soon as Celestia learns that we were kidnapped by you and where you live, she's going to send an army to get us back. And if you even think about harming us, she'd probably come here herself to get revenge."
>"Ape thing bluffing!"
"Is that a risk you're willing to take? Total annihilation for a few gems?"
>"...Uh."
>The small dog smacks the big one in the back of the head. "Let them go! Take them to surface and get back down here!"
>"How do you keep doing this?" Rarity asks as the two of you are grabbed and ferried to the top.
"By having more than two brain cells to rub together."

"...So you're saying that modeling makes you uncomfortable."
>"Well... yes. But please don't tell Rarity!"
"Uh huh."
>A few minutes later
"So you're saying that Fluttershy's success makes you feel bad."
>"Well when you put it like that... But yes. But please don't tell Fluttershy!"
>A few more minutes later. You get Fluttershy and Rarity in the same room.
"Rarity, Fluttershy hates modeling. Fluttershy, Rarity hates that you're modeling."
>"What?!" they both shout, glaring at you. Then the realization kicks in. "Huh?"
"There. Was it that hard? Learn to pick up on body language. God."

"So have you tried asking the buffalo why they're being dicks? And... why are you looking at me like that?"
>Braeburn quickly shakes himself, as though clearing his head. "Uh, what? Oh, the buffalo! Wait, what do you mean... ask them?"
"You know, talk to them? See why they're stealing trees?"
>"I uh... No?"
"Get the sheriff. We're going for a walk."
>"Oh, I'd go anywhere with you, stud..."
"What?"
>"Nothing! I'll go find the sheriff!"
>A few hours later
>"It was a pleasure doing business with you, Chief!" the sheriff happily says. "I just wish we knew sooner why y'all were so mad. But with this new deal, everyp0ny will be happy!"
>"Indeed," the chief booms. "Though in the tribes, occasionally marriage is used to strengthen bonds. Perhaps that young stallion there could marry my daughter to grow our friendship tighter."
>"Wha-huh?" Braeburn says, jerking his gaze away from you.
>And everybody won.

"...Princess, is your bird okay?"
>"Oh, don't worry about Philomena. She's a phoenix nearing the end of her life cycle. She'll be reborn seconds after she dies."
"Oh, cool."
>Everyone is noticeably more relaxed now that they realize the loudly dying bird will soon get better.

Skipping Cutie Mark Chronicles

"Spike, that owl isn't replacing you."
>"Then why is everyp0ny spending so much time making a big deal over him, huh?"
"Because he's new. He hasn't lost his novelty yet. Give it, like, three days and everything will be normal."
>"...Are you sure?"
"Yeah. Besides, he doesn't have fingers. And he can't send scrolls to Celestia. Or talk. And besides, he isn't even a dragon. You can't deny that dragons are fucking awesome. Easily better than owls."
>"Heh, yeah..."
"So, you over it?"
>"Uh huh. Running away was a stupid idea anyway. Where would I even go? The Everfree? Can we go set stuff on fire some more?"
"Sure. Just be careful not to send anything to Celestia this time. I don't think she ever forgave you for getting a log to the face in the middle of court."

"Uh, Pinkie? I got an invitation for an afterparty...?"
>You walk in and see her sitting at a table with a few random items. Her entire body seems darker, her hair is down in a way that makes her a lot cuter, and her eyes have a deeply depressed gaze that makes you want to hide all the pills in the house.
>"...Hello, Anon. You're late."
"Yeah, sorry about that. Had to help someone with a problem. I did have a question, though. Why'd you plan an after party on your birthday?"
>"...What?"
"Yeah. I saw your calendar last night at the other party. Your birthday was marked on it. I figured your friends would play you a surprise party or something. That's probably why they aren't here, actually."
>"...It's my birthday?" With every word, she seemed to grow brighter and brighter. At the last syllable, she popped out, her hair expanding.
>"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"
>She suddenly hopped out of her seat, bouncing around the room. "And I just know my friends wouldn't abandon me today of all days! Ooh, I wonder what they have planned!"
>There's suddenly a knock at the door and Pinkie practically flies past you, pulling the door open and then grabbing the mare behind it into a hug. "Dashie! I knew you wouldn't abandon me!"
>"...What? Uh, anyway, there's a—Er, you want to come down to Applejack's barn with me? It's real important!"
>"Ooh, of course I do! Lead the way!"
>Pinkie releases her friend and the two of them zoom off into the distance.
"...I'm not invited?"

"Twilight, this is the busiest day of the year for Celestia. She has to make appearances. She has no real choice in the matter. Stop trying to monopolize her time."
>"But..."
"No buts! Remember who found your stoned ass and dragged you to Zecora for the remedy?"
>"Okay..."

"Of course he's acting like an asshole, Rarity. You're acting like a gold digger. How did you think he would feel?"
>"He's right," Blueblood confirms, nodding. "Do you know how many mares I get coming up to me at these parties, trying to get me to be their prince? It's awful, absolutely awful. I wouldn't even come to this blasted thing if tradition didn't demand it. I detest parties."
>"But... I'm the element of generosity! I can't be a gold digger!"
>"It's hard to recognize you under all that caked on make-up. And coming to me at a party like this? Of course I suspected you for another common trollop. I apologize for the misunderstanding, but must let you know that I'm not on the market for a mare."
>"Then why be so rude instead of just telling me?"
>"And be accused of being homosexual? No offense to them, but as a prince I'm expected to breed. Being accused of such would be very detrimental to my standing. It's better to scare them away by acting rude than telling them to leave me alone. Now, I bid you both adieu."
>"...Huh."

"Applejack, the party has free food."
>"...So?"
"Why buy anything if they can get other stuff for free? Quality doesn't mean shit when compared to something that's free. You'd have to kick your prices down to nothing to even be considered as an option."
>"...BUCK!"

"Pinkie, you're surrounded by rich, snobby ponies. I can't imagine any of them have ever been to a party like one of yours and I doubt any would ever like to try one. If you keep pushing them around to get them to have fun on your terms, you're going to get everyone upset and get yourself kicked out."
>"But... it's a party! They should be partying!"
"They are. They just party differently than you do. They're all having fun in their own way. You should allow them to have fun and back off. Your job is to put smiles on their faces. But if they already have smiles while your actions take smiles away..."
>"...Then I shouldn't do them! Oh, that makes sense!"

"Fluttershy... what are you even doing? You know how animals work. Why did you think forcing them to do anything would be a good idea?"
>"They... they didn't want me..."
"You're a professional animal caretaker. What about your actions was making them run away?"
>She sniffed, thinking. "I... I approached them too quickly."
"And?"
>"...I was too loud?"
"So what should you do?"
>"Try again, this time remembering what I know!"
"Exactly. They'll be your friends. Also, you're an element of harmony. You could send Celestia a message and get access to the garden whenever you want."
>"What"

"Dash, stop it. You're just looking like a bitch."
>"But—"
"No. You're going to come off like a big show-off that has to be better than everyone. The Wonderbolts are a team. You can't be the only one in the spotlight. Stop showing off."
>"But—"
"No."
>"Are you SURE?"
"Positive."
>"Ugh, fine!"
>As Dash marches off, Spitfire winks at you.
>You do like a mare in uniform...

>After extricating yourself from a quickie with Spits, one of the guards gives you a note.
>'Meet me at the entrance to the maze.'
>Well, this party fucking sucks anyway. You make your way out of the castle toward the big maze that's only there when someone mentions it.
>Standing at the front of it is a somewhat irate Celestia. "Anon, you really ruin all my fun, you know that?"
"Yeah, I know."
>"This night was supposed to go very differently. Twilight and her friends were supposed to crash the party!"
"That... Yeah, I could see that. Why?"
>"Because it's so dull! The Grand Galloping Gala is so boring! Every year, I stand there and greet pony after pony, barely getting to do anything but say hello. This year, Twilight and her friends were supposed to liven it up!"
>Heh, oops. But wait...
"If you hate the party so much, why not just don't host it? Or, you know, don't show up?"
>"Because it's expected of me!"
"And? You. Raise. The. Sun. You've been doing it for x thousand years. If any of the ponies complains, ask them if they would like to lift the sun tomorrow, or make it set tonight. The bitches can complain all they want and they can expect whatever you want. But if you still raise the sun the next day, that's more than they'd be getting if you were gone."
>She blinked a few times.
>Her mouth opened once or twice.
>Finally she said, "I'm going to bed. Forget going back to that stupid party."
"Sweet dreams, Princess. I'm going back to Ponyville."
>"Actually, before you go... There's a new position open for an adviser. Are you interested?"
"I'll think about it."
>"Take your time. I have a feeling my student will need all the good advice she can get soon..."

"Discord, this is unsustainable."
>"Why, whatever do you mean, my dear Anonymous?" he asks, sipping a pot of dirt.
"If you keep the world like this, you're going to kill all the ponies. The crops will die without sun and proper rain and then everyone will be dependent on you for food. Unless you feel like using your powers to constantly make food, the population of people you can pull pranks on will dwindle down to nothing very quickly."
>"That... would be rather inconvenient... Who could I show my pranks off to?!"
"No one. It would just be you. Alone. Forever. Without Celestia to consistently raise the sun, the ponies will die off."
>"Simple!" With a snap of his talons, a bald and completely shaved Celestia appears standing next to you. "There. One sun moving princess!"
>"What... what happened?" Celestia murmurs, looking around.
"Not good enough. You're also going to need to return the rain to normal as well, give it back to the pegasi. I can propose an... alternate solution, if you're interested."
>"Ugh! Why can't I just have fun? You're a major buzz kill, Anon."
>"I know, right?" Celestia agrees before realizing what she did. "Wait, Discord!" Her horn lights up, but he snaps his fingers and makes it disappear.
>"I'm listening, Anonymous. Make it fast."
"Cut down your pranks to manageable levels. No more big time things. Return Celestia and Luna to power, pull back your influence, and just roam the world as a minor prankster god. If you roam, there will be constant novelty in seeing new things and messing with new people."
>"Hm... I do want revenge on the ponies... But I also don't want to kill them. Ugh. Very well, though it's so... boring."
>With another snap of his fingers, things start returning to normal. Right as the throne he had been sitting on disappeared, Twilight and her friends show up.
>"Discord, we've come to—! Wait... DARNIT ANON, NOT AGAIN!"

"...Spike?"
>"Yeah, Anon?" he sighs, watching Twilight panic yet again.
"She needs to get laid."
>"I know, dude."
>You just sigh and walk up to the pony, grabbing her by the shoulders.
"Twilight, calm down."
>"But I'll be TARDY!"
"Did the princess give you a schedule of when she expects the letters?"
>"Well... not exactly..."
"Then you aren't tardy. Spike, take a letter."
>"You can't just use him whenever you want!" Twilight yells, her fear of being late forgotten.
>But of course, Spike had already grabbed some paper and a quill, so you start dictating.
"Dear Sunbutt, your student wants to know if she has a set delivery date for her friendship letters but she's too afraid to ask. Could you send her an answer? Love, Anon. Send it on, Spike."
>With a flourish, he did so. Twilight's magic grabbed him a second later and dragged him closer to her.
>"STOP LISTENING TO HIM, SPIKE!"
>"But he's always righ—Urk!" Spike belched a letter right onto Twilight's face.
>She caught it with a grimace and brought it up to her face, a premature smirk forming to tell me I was wrong and she was right.
>"Ahem. Dear Twilight Sparkle, of course you don't have any assigned dates to... turn in... your letters... They're to be turned in when the friendship events happen... Not on any specified date. Your loving teacher, Princess Celestia... Oh... Hey, there's a PS! Tell Anon that if he calls me Sunbutt again, he'll have a hard time doing it again from the moon."
>Twilight drops the note to look up, but by the time she does, you already quickly made your way out the door.
>After all, no reason to be around if she exploded.

>It's Hallow—Er, Nightmare Night. All's going well in Ponyville. The citizens are screaming in terror, there's a swirling mass of clouds above the town, and demons are descending from the sky.
>A normal day, all things told.
>However, those demons turn out to be batponies carrying Luna's chariot.
>Ah, Luna. You met her when she had her 'welcome back' party in Ponyville some months ago.
>Which makes you wonder why all the ponies are suddenly hiding in fear from her.
>"CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE!"
>That would do it.
>As you walk up to the princess, Spike tries to grab your leg to get you to stop. He gets dragged along for the rid.
"Ah, hello, Princess Luna."
>"HUMAN ANONYMOUS, GREETINGS!"
>Spike loses his grip in her horrifying shouting and is thrown away.
"No offense, but is there any particular reason you're shouting?"
>"'TIS THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE, HUMAN ANONYMOUS! IT IS TRADITION!"
>...Canterlot didn't exist when she...
>Never mind.
"That tradition is outdated as all hell. If you didn't notice, everyone ran the fuck away when you started paying attention to me."
>Well, everyone except for Twilight.
>The purple mare quickly walks over, smiling. "Hello, Princess Luna! What brings you to Ponyville?"
>"OUR SISTER TOLD US A FESTIVAL WAS OCCURRING TONIGHT AND INSISTED WE PARTAKE!"
>There are so many things wrong with that statement, but you aren't about to start listing them.
"Wow. Just... Twilight, teach her how to interact with ponies. I'll deal with the townsfolk."
>"Okay, Anon. Princess Luna, let's go for a walk out to my friend Fluttershy's house..."
>As Twilight leads a somewhat confused Luna away, you go find the one mare that can put a smile on anyone's face.
>Pinkie wasn't hard to find. When she saw you, her face lit up. "Nonny, Nightmare Moon didn't eat you!"
>All the foals she had grouped around her smiled triumphantly at your supposed majestic escape.
>You don't.
"That wasn't Nightmare Moon, Pinkie. That was Luna."
>"Are you sure?"
"...Pinkie, you threw her a party when you exorcized her of Nightmare Moon. You of all people should know her."
>"...Oh yeah! I forgot about that for some reason."
"Uh huh. Either way, she didn't seem very pleased to know that everyone is afraid of her. I'm sure you can think of a good way to put a smile on her face that doesn't involve making everyone more afraid of her, right?"
>"You bet! I'll just need a few minutes, some maracas, a bunch of punch, and some cake."
"Have fun with that. I'm going to go grab some candy and watch from a safe distance."
>"Come, my little minions!" the chicken Pinkie shouted, galloping away. "We have parties to plot!"
>The foals all trailed after her, laughing gaily through the night.
>And good times were had by all.

>Why do people come to you with the stupidest fucking problems?
"So let me get this straight. Rarity, you're mad because Sweetie Belle is trying to be nice. Sweetie, you're mad because Rarity is upset when the nice stuff you try to do backfires and ruins everything for her?"
>"Well, when you put it like that..." Rarity awkwardly says.
>"...It sounds kinda silly," Sweetie finishes, looking down.
"You're sisters, girls, not enemies. Sweetie, you shouldn't just do such strange 'favors' without asking. But Rarity, it's the thought that counts. She was trying to be nice."
>"I know," they both sigh.
"Excellent. Now, I'll just be on my—"
>"Why don't you stay for dinner?" Sweetie asks, her voice cracking on the last word. "I made it myself!"
>Rarity pales and turns slightly green.
"I uh... Your socks are untied!"
>When Sweetie Belle looks down to check, you bolt, running from the shop.
>Then it clicks in her mind.
>"I'm not wearing socks!"
>...
>"And socks don't tie!"

>"And that's our plan, Anon!" Twilight happily says, finally finished detailing her and her friends' plan to dress up as a hero called Mare Do Well.
>Your face-palm could destroy planets.
>"Do... do you like it?" Fluttershy quietly asks.
"Give me five minutes."
>They all share a confused look as you stand up and walk out of Twilight's library. You immediately go to where Rainbow Dash has a crowd gathered around her.
"Dash, can we talk for a sec?"
>"Sure thing, Anon! I always have time for fans!"
"In private, I mean. It won't take but a few minutes."
>She turns to look at the crowd of adoring fans, but you just grab her and start carrying her back to the library.
>"Hey, put me down!"
"In a minute."
>She just sighs resignedly as you step into the library. The five mares within all gasp and quickly start hiding costumes and plans.
"Alright, Dash, your friends want you to stop acting stuck-up, rude, and all those other adjectives."
>"What?" Dash asked.
>"Traitor!" Pinkie shouted, shaking a hoof at you.
>Twilight sighed, stepping forward. "Not to be rude, Rainbow, but he's right. You've been acting very rude lately and we all want it to stop. You're just... doing whatever you can to get attention! It's making everyp0ny upset."
>Dash's immediate reaction is anger, especially when all the others add their agreements.
>But after a few seconds of thinking about it, she sighs. "You're... right. I didn't even think about it like that! I'm sorry, girls..."
>"We forgive you," Fluttershy says, putting a hoof on Dash's shoulder. That opened the hug-gates and they all surround her for one.
"Was that really so hard?"

>Man, you hate Canterlot so much. Rarity just had to drag you off for some reason!
>'To get you away from Ponyville,' she said. 'To put your mind at ease from helping everypony.'
>It didn't help that you're forced to share a room with her.
>But you did see a problem you could help with...
"Rarity, you're forgetting something."
>"Hm? What's that, Anonymous?" she asks, staring at the mirror to make sure her hair was just right.
"Twilight's dress."
>"Hm. Oh, that thing? I'll get to it later, don't you worry!"
"Rarity, there are many things in life that are replaceable. Dresses, sure. Status, in time. But true, good friends? If you let Twilight down for her birthday, she's going to be very hurt. Yes, you'll build up your reputation with the Canterlot ponies, but can't you do that when your friend doesn't expect a gift from you?"
>"...You're right." She immediately stops putting her make-up on. "What was I thinking? Yes, being the pony everyp0ny should know is important, but helping my friends is even more important! Now, I must get in the zone!"
>You just watch as the master at dress-making finally gets to work making Twilight's dress.
>And then you immediately stop paying attention because it's boring as hell.

"Spike, stop being a dick."
>"But... I want it!"
>You gently cuff him in the back of the head.
"That's no reason to be a dick. You already got a free hat and a bunch of other gifts. Go play with those and don't steal."
>He just sighs, staring at the ball longingly as the two of you walk back to his party at the library.

"Applebloom, your grandmother is fucking awesome. Why would you be ashamed to have her come for that day?"
>"Because she's old and weird and everyp0ny will laugh at me!"
"And she also has really awesome stories. I've actually sat down to talk with her once. Trust me, just give her a chance."
>"...Alright, Anon. But if everyp0ny makes funna me, I'm blaming you!"
>Few days later
>"My granny is awesome!"

"Of course I'll watch your foals, Mr. Cake. Just let me know when and tell me where all the supplies are."
>"Oh thank Celestia... Anon, you're a life saver!"
>A day later
>You fucking hate foals now. But damned if the two of them didn't like you after all the suffering you went through. Sadistic bastards.

Skipping The Last Roundup

>Cider is fucking awesome.
>Snake oil salesmen, on the other hand...
>"Whattaya think, Anon?" Applejack asks when some strange contraption rolls up to her property.
>Two unicorns with rather greasy looking hair and dressed the same jump out, each wearing a snake's smile.
"Run them off your property immediately. Con-men, looking to ride off your success."
>"You sure?"
>The two of them immediately launch into a song.
"Give me about three minutes."
>The two of them go on and on, making all kinds of promises.
>At the end of the song, you nod.
"Yeah, I'm sure. Get them off your property immediately."
>"Hey Big Macintosh!" The massive red stallion ambles over. "Anon says these two are no good. Can you get rid of 'em?"
>"Eeyup."
>As it turns out, unicorn magic and strange train machines don't mean much against very strong stallions.
>Soon enough, the two con-men were fleeing with their tails between their legs.
"Good riddance."

>When you found out Dash got hurt, you quickly made up your mind to go visit her in the hospital at least once.
>You quietly stepped into her room, catching her in the middle of reading some book.
"Oh hey, I didn't know you liked reading."
>"What? Reading?" She quickly stuffs the book under her pillow. "I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Dash, everyone likes reading something. I caught Snowflake reading romantic poetry and Derpy reading high level physics books. There's nothing wrong with it at all."
>"Even SNOWFLAKE likes reading? But.. he's so athletic!"
"And? Having one hobby doesn't mean you can't have another."
>"...Huh. I never really thought of it like that. Can you suggest any cool books?"

"Girls, what are you even doing?"
>"We're making Cheerilee and Big Mac fall in love!" Scootaloo answers.
>"It'll make 'em both happy!" Applebloom adds.
>"And it's so romantic!" Sweetie Belle finishes.
"You can't make two people fall in love. Not only is that immoral, I think it's also illegal. Like, just imagine if someone forced one of you guys to fall in love with Diamond Tiara."
>"Eww!" they all shout.
"Yeah. It's wrong. So whatever you're doing, stop it. If love happens, it'll come naturally."
>"Huh... Then we probably shouldn't let them drink that love potion."
"The what now?"
>They all point to where Big Mac and Cheerilee are about to drink some bubbly potion thing.
"WAIT!"
>Thank God, you weren't too late. The two of them look up and see you running over.
>"What's wrong?" Cheerilee asks.
>Wait, what the hell is wrong with that potion?
"Look at what you were about to drink!"
>The two of them do so and gasp. "Are those hearts?" Cheerilee asks.
"Oh man, that would have been ugly..."

>Midway upon the journey of your day, you found yourself within a city bright, for the straightforward pathway lies before you.
>And in that path, Pinkie is bothering the hell out of a donkey that seems to be getting more and more upset.
"Pinkie, what are you doing?"
>"Making a new friend!"
>"She won't leave me alone!" the donkey growled, glaring at her.
>You sigh.
"Pinkie, let's go for a walk. It's time to teach you about the magic of personal space, introverts, and laying off the sugar every now and then."
>"That doesn't sound very fun, though! And my new friend is back here. How can I learn more about him if we go without him?"
"From the looks of that cart, he's moving to Ponyville. You'll have all the time in the world later. Now come on, let the fellow get back to moving in."
>Before the party mare can protest, you grab her and tuck her under an arm.
"Sorry about her. She's a little overwhelming sometimes. Welcome to Ponyville."
>He just harrumphs before moving on.

"Fluttershy, don't waste your money going to one of those seminars. People like him earn money by being good at talking and little else."
>"But—"
"And how many lessons have you had on being assertive? How many times have those lessons just blown over your head?"
>"Maybe this time—"
"Give it two weeks. Three, tops. You'll be right back to normal. Fluttershy, what you need isn't some kind of assertiveness training. It's professional therapy."
>"Are you su—"
"Yes. Positive. Let me give you the card of one of my friends in the business. Mention my name and he'll give you a discount. I send a lot of business his way, after all."
>"...Okay."
>Maybe this will finally be what that poor mare needs.

Skipping It's About Time, because I can't think of any way to do that one without making a paradox.

"Spike, you sure you want to do this?"
>"Absolutely, Anon! I need to know who I am!"
"Cool. I'm going with you."
>"What? I can do it alone!"
"I know you can. But why do it alone if you can bring a friend? Company is always nice."
>"Well... Yeah. Yeah! This'll be a lot more fun, now!"
>A few days of tracking dragons later...
>You and Spike huddle down on the lip of a volcano, peering in at the gathering of dragons.
>"Those guys look like they're closest to my age! I should go talk to them!"
"...Spike, those are teenagers."
>Even as we watched, a few of the dragons started fighting over a pile of gems. It ended with a big red one slamming a green one's face into the volcano, breaking the rock and pushing the guy into the lava.
>Holy shit.
>"What's wrong with teenagers?" Spike asked.
"Did you not just see that? Look, go talk to those two dragons over there."
>You point to a pair of dragons that seem slightly detached.
"They look older and they aren't with the main group, so you won't feel as awkward talking to them. Just trust me, Spike."
>"Well... Alright, Anon. Just watch and make sure I'm alright, okay?"
"You got it."
>You watch as Spike slowly waddles toward the two dragons. They stare at him as he approaches.
>Soon enough, he stands before them and they start talking.
>Several boring hours later (and after getting caught by one of the female teenagers and... 'persuading' her to let you go), Spike returns.
>"They knew so much, Anon!"
"I told you. Now let's get the hell out of here quickly. I'm sure Twilight would be worried sick if she didn't follow us here."
>"What."
"Her, Dash, and Rarity have been following us the whole time. Now let's go."
>"...Alright."
>The two of you slide down from the lip and start walking down the mountain.
>As you walk, Spike gets upwind of you. His nose lifts up, sniffing.
>"What's that smell?"
>Hehe...
"Don't worry about it."

>Those therapy sessions were doing wonders for poor Fluttershy. She was still a weak flyer, but was able to start getting much better.
>It didn't help much, though.
>Their little water spout thing was breaking apart!
>You turn to the Wonderbolt that was sent to supervise.
"Don't just stand there, do something!"
>"Wha? Oh buck!"
>Her wings slam open and she jumps into the air, just barely managing to get into the spout before it breaks apart.
>With Spitfire's leadership, the spout barely manages to pass the minimum required speed to get the water up into Cloudsdale.
>"It was a good thing you were there to snap me outta that daze, Anon!" Spits says, breathing a sigh of relief as she stretches next to you. "I don't know what I was thinking!"
"Happy to help. I know that water is apparently needed, or something."
>"Hm... I need to get outta this stuffy suit. Way too restricting."
>With the look she was giving you, it didn't take much to figure she wouldn't mind some help.
>Helping a mare out of a uniform is fine too.

"Girls, yellow journalism is, once again, illegal and immoral."
>"What's... yellow journalism?" Scoots asked.
"It's when you make stuff up and put it under a big and flashy headline. Like what you did for half the articles you have."
>"But we're not Gabby Gums!" Applebloom quickly replies.
"Like hell you aren't. I blackmailed Diamond Tiara into fessing up."
>That's actually not true. You just know that all the trouble coming out of the school is usually caused by these three fillies.
>"That traitor!" Sweetie yells, shaking a hoof in the direction of the school.
"Now, you three need to stop publishing this filth."
>"But how else will we see if we can get our cutie marks in newspaper writing?" Scoots asks.
"Do you have your cutie marks in newspaper writing yet?"
>They all three look at their asses before shaking their heads.
"Then you won't get your cutie marks in newspaper writing. It's pretty simple."
>"Oh. So now what?" Applebloom asks.
"Try decorating. And Sweetie Belle, I suggest trying to sing. Scoots, you should keep doing tricks with that scooter."
>"Those'll never work, Anon!" they all say.
"You know what cutie marks are, right? The things that come when you find what you're good at? Guess what each of you happens to be good at."
>"...OOOHHH!"
>How are kids this stupid?

"...And did you tell Celestia that you saw Cadance shooting magic at your brother, magic that seemed to hurt him?"
>"She's so busy!"
"Busy looking for a threat that's right under her nose. Let's go talk to her."
>"But she had to stay vigilant!"
"She can look through a telescope while listening."
>You don't wait for Twilight to start following, just starting to walk to Celestia's tower.
>Twenty minutes later, a trap is laid out for Cadance on the off chance she can't answer a few questions.
>Luna was summoned to help Celestia at your assistance.
>When you meet Cadance where the trap is, you smile. So unsuspecting.
>"What is the meaning of this?" the angry mare asks. "I have a wedding to be planning!"
"I just have a few questions, if you don't mind."
>"I most certainly do mind!"
"It won't take you but a second. When did you meet Shining Armor, again?"
>"...I don't have to answer your questions.
>Suddenly, two beams of energy shoot out of the illusionary side walls, locking Cadance in place.
>"You do, actually," Celestia says, stepping into view.
>Cadance's horn glows green before she seems to melt into a horrifying bug shape that was just glaring at you.
>And so things went.