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Top ten most upvoted comments on reddit for May 2015

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  1. {"score":"28379","subreddit":"AskReddit","link_id":"t3_1y6lhe","body":"Not me, but an old friend of mine.\n\nReally quiet, soft-spoken, polite guy. A total gentleman and a graduate student in the liberal arts. Also, pretty inexperienced, tentative, and vanilla sexually.\n\nHe's dating this really cool girl for maybe two months. She is much kinkier in bed. She floats the idea of dirty talk, and apparently likes to be objectified, even demeaned a bit, from time to time. He's hesitant, but wants to please her and doesn't dismiss the idea outright. Changes the subject and figures that they'll revisit the idea another time.\n\nAnyway...they have sex a few days later for the first time since the conversation. Really going at it doggystyle, and she tells him to talk dirty to her. He says that he can't think of anything to say, so he says nothing, and she then repeats the request, but the second time she is not fucking requesting, but demanding it.\n\nHe comes up with: \"Yeah...you like that, you fucking retard?\"\n\nHe's never struck me as one for embellishment, so I believe him. He said that was it for sex that night, although they are still together two years on now.\n\n**Edit:** Gilded twice. Thanks so much guys. I'm glad my friend's misfortune put a smile on a bunch of faces tonight. \nAnd to that friend: drinks are on me next time. \n\n**Edit 2:** Five times, and I guess I've had my fifteen minutes of internet fame. I'm just thrilled that so many people had a good laugh over this story. ","author":"Blackbyrd82"}
  2. {"score":"26143","subreddit":"AskReddit","link_id":"t3_2np694","body":"So this one had to be cooked for various reasons. I boiled the rice and the ice, and I was left with rice.\n\n10/10","author":"DO_U_EVN_SPAGHETTI"}
  3. {"score":"17819","subreddit":"AskReddit","link_id":"t3_219w2o","body":"It's not uncommon as a teacher to have students who are a bit behind the curve in certain aspects, but 99.99999% of the time they are keen on something. They might not understand how to identify a noun or what theme is, but they somehow know how to make a mean plate of nachos. You learn pretty quick to not judge fish for their tree climbing ability, ya know?\n\nI thought this was the rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin. Kevin isn't his real name, but it doesn't matter because he can't spell it anyway. Kevin was a student of mine during my last year of teaching. He came to my classroom with very little to show for his academic past. He had moved a few times and thus was missing a lot of typical test scores that we use to try and ballpark their ability (Don't worry, it was a ballpark.....we didn't make major decisions until we actually had a chance to talk and work with a student for a bit.) I thought \"That's fine. I'll just do some one-on-one with Kevin and see what's up\" One on One with kevin was like conversing with someone who'd forgotten everything in a freak, if not impossible, amnesia incident. There was no evidence that he had learned anything past the 2nd grade....and now he was in 9th grade. Flabbergasted, I figured we needed to get more serious with this. If he was going to be in my class, I needed to know why and how.\n\nI decided to meet with him, his guidance counselor, his parents, and another teacher to see what was really going on. This is where it all became clear. It was by some incredible fluke that his family hadn't been wiped off the face of the Earth years ago. Odds are his entire heritage was based on blind luck and some type of sick divine intervention that saves his family every time a threat presents itself. Kevin was the genetic pinnacle of this null achievement. Even my instructional lead, a woman who could find a redeeming trait in a Balrog, failed to see any reason this kid or his family should be alive today. \n\nSo here's a list of events that made it abundantly clear that god exists and he's laughing uncontrollably:\n\n* Kevin frequently forgot when/where class was. On more than one occasion, I had to retrieve him from other classrooms.\n\n* Kevin ate an entire 24 pack of crayons, puked, and then did it again the next day. This is 9th grade. I have no idea where he got crayons.\n\n* Kevin's dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to me...his English teacher. This was a public school. When I gave it back to Kevin, voided, to give to his dad with a brief note explaining that this is a public school, Kevin got in trouble for trying to spend it at 711 after school.\n\n* Kevin was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a cutting board on the gas stove and starting a fire....twice\n\n* Kevin threw his lunch at the School Resource Officer and tried to run away. He ran into a door and insisted it wasn't him.\n\n* Kevin stole my phone during class. I called it. It rang. He denied that it was ringing. (Not that it wasn't his, not that he did it.....no, he denied that the phone was actually ringing). He tried it three times before the end of the year. \n\n* Kevin called the basketball coach a \"Motherfucking Bitch\" during gym. Basketball tryouts were that afternoon. Kevin tried out. It didn't go well.\n\n* Kevin's mom could never remember which school he went to. She missed several meetings because she drove to other schools (none of which he ever went to)\n\n* Kevin tazed himself in the neck before a football game\n\n* Kevin kept a bottle of orange koolaide in his backpack for about 4 months. He thought it would turn into alcohol. He drank it during homeroom and threw up.\n\n* Kevin say the N-word a lot. Kevin was white. The highschool was 84% black. Kevin got beat up a lot.\n\n* Kevin stole another student's Iphone....and tried to sell it back to them.\n\n* Kevin didn't understand that his grade was dependent on tests, quizzes, homework, classwork, and participation. Kevin finished his first semester with a 3% average. He tried to bribe me with $11.\n\n* Kevin spit on a girl and said \"You should get out of those wet clothes\". The girl was the Spanish Student Teacher.\n\n* Kevin didn't know dogs and cats were different animals.\n\n* Kevin tried to download porn onto a computer in the library.....at the circulation desk....while he was logged on.\n\n* Kevin asked a girl to prom (he was in 9th grade and freshmen don't go to prom) by asking for her phone number and then texting her his address\n\n* Kevin got gum in his hair, constantly. \n\n* Kevin regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over, grabbing one before I had picked them all up, and then writing it name on it wherever there was room. \n\n* Kevin had several allergies, but neither his parents nor he could remember what they were. They were very concerned that \"the holiday party\" (it's high school, we don't have those) would have peanuts. When they finally got a doctor's note....he was allergic to amoxicillin\n\n* Kevin and his parents took a trip to Nassau (how the fuck did they even get airline tickets?) and forgot all their luggage at home. I didn't believe him when he told me until I talked to him mom, who told me 1st thing when I saw her at the bi-weekly meeting.\n\n* Kevin's grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident. I can only assume God was looking the other way that day.\n\n\n","author":"NoahtheRed"}
  4. {"score":"14776","subreddit":"AskReddit","link_id":"t3_ahg8x","body":"I was day tripping to Vancouver from Seattle and stopped in for lunch at a little cafe.  From my window I saw a young teenage girl out in the cold, squatted down in a closed up businesses doorway, holding a small bundle in her arms.  She was panhandling, people were mostly walking by ignoring her.  She looked just broken.\r\n\r\nI finished up my meal and went outside, went through my wallet and thought I'd give her $5 for some food.   I got up to her and she was sobbing, she looked like she was 14-15.  And that bundle in her arms was a baby wrapped up.  I felt like I just got punched in the chest.  She looked up putting on a game face and asked for any change, I asked her if she's like some lunch. Right next door was a small quick-Trip type grocery store, I got a can of formula for the baby (very young, maybe 2-3 months old.), and took her back to the cafe though I'd just eaten.  She was very thankful, got a burger and just inhaled it. Got her some pie and ice cream.  She opened up and we talked.  She was 15, got pregnant, parents were angry and she was fighting with them.   She ran away.  She's been gone almost 1 full year.\r\n\r\nI asked her if she's like to go home and she got silent.  I coaxed her, she said her parents wouldn't want her back.  I coaxed further, she admitted she stole 5k in cash from her Dad.  Turns out 5k doesn't last long at all and the streets are tough on a 15 year old.  Very tough.  She did want to go back, but she was afraid no one wanted her back after what she did.\r\n\r\nWe talked more, I wanted her to use my phone to call home but she wouldn't.  I told her I'd call and see if her folks wanted to talk to her, she hesitated and gave bad excuses but eventually agreed.  She dialed the number and I took the phone, her Mom picked up and I said hello.  Awkwardly introduced myself and said her daughter would like to speak to her, silence, and I heard crying.  Gave the phone to the girl and she was just quiet listening to her Mom cry, and then said hello.  And she cried.  They talked, she gave the phone back to me, I talked to her Mom some more.\r\n\r\nI drove her down to the bus station and bought her a bus ticket home.  Gave her $100 cash for incidentals, and some formula, diapers, wipes, snacks for the road.\r\n\r\nGot to the bus, and she just cried saying thank you over and over.  I gave her a kiss on the forehead and a hug, kissed her baby, and she got on the bus.\r\n\r\nI get a chistmas card every year from her.  She's 21 now and in college.\r\n\r\nHer name is Makayla and her baby was Joe.  \r\n\r\nI've never really told anyone about this.  I just feel good knowing I did something good in this world.  Maybe it'll make up for the things I've f-ed up.","author":"[deleted]"}
  5. {"score":"14613","subreddit":"videos","link_id":"t3_1gzpx9","body":"Looks like this fight ended...\n\n(\u2022_\u2022)\n\n( \u2022_\u2022)>\u2310\u25a0-\u25a0\n\n\n(\u2310\u25a0_\u25a0)\n\n\nin a draw.\n","author":"ShallowBasketcase"}
  6. {"score":"14097","subreddit":"AskReddit","link_id":"t3_t0ynr","body":"I once helped out my a female friend's family by taking care of their cat for a week. Every day for a week, I would go over there and snoop around their house. I found my friend's diary, and proceeded to read the entire thing. I used this information to get her to like me, and she is currently my wife.","author":"ThrownAway2389"}
  7. {"score":"13737","subreddit":"AskReddit","link_id":"t3_2np694","body":"Don't have a mercury, but I do have a mars.\n\nMars bar: 9/10\n\nMars bar over rice: 6/10\n\nThank you for your suggestion.","author":"DO_U_EVN_SPAGHETTI"}
  8. {"score":"13379","subreddit":"AskReddit","link_id":"t3_1rgpdf","body":"Late to the party but this one is too good to pass up:\n\nI was once on a US military ship, having breakfast in the wardroom (officers lounge) when the Operations Officer (OPS) walks in.  This guy was the definition of NOT a morning person; he's still half asleep, bleary eyed... basically a zombie with a bagel.  He sits down across from me to eat his bagel and is just barely conscious.  My back is to the outboard side of the ship, and the morning sun is blazing in one of the portholes putting a big bright-ass circle of light right on his barely conscious face.  He's squinting and chewing and basically just remembering how to be alive for today.  It's painful to watch.\n\nBut then zombie-OPS stops chewing, slowly picks up the phone, and dials the bridge.  In his well-known I'm-still-totally-asleep voice, he says \"heeeey.  It's OPS.  Could you... shift our barpat... yeah, one six five.  Thanks.\" And puts the phone down.  And then he just sits there.  Squinting.  Waiting.\n  \nAnd then, ever so slowly, I realize that that big blazing spot of sun has begun to slide off the zombie's face and onto the wall behind him.  After a moment it clears his face and he blinks slowly a few times and the brilliant beauty of what I've just witnessed begins to overwhelm me.  By ordering the bridge to adjust the ship's back-and-forth patrol by about 15 degrees, he's changed our course just enough to reposition the sun off of his face.  He's literally just redirected thousands of tons of steel and hundreds of people so that he could get the sun out of his eyes while he eats his bagel.  I am in awe.  \n\nHe slowly picks up his bagel and for a moment I'm terrified at the thought that his own genius may escape him, that he may never appreciate the epic brilliance of his laziness (since he's not going to wake up for another hour).  But between his next bites he pauses, looks at me, and gives me the faintest, sly grin, before returning to gnaw slowly on his zombie bagel.","author":"TupperWolf"}
  9. {"score":"12551","subreddit":"AskReddit","link_id":"t3_2np694","body":" I hate pickles honestly but I guess I'm willing to.\n\nPickles: 1/10\n\nPickles with rice: 2/10\n\nI like rice.","author":"DO_U_EVN_SPAGHETTI"}
  10. {"score":"11670","subreddit":"IAmA","link_id":"t3_14cb0c","body":"fo drizzle","author":"Here_Comes_The_King"}
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