Aperture Pizza

Hi, Cave Johnson here. Now I’ve been getting a lot of questions about Aperture’s acquisition and renovation of the Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria restaurant; questions like “Why did you buy a failing children’s pizza place?” and “Why did you offer them so much money?” But the most common question is “Why did you spend thousands of dollars on brand new software for animatronic cartoon mascots?” Usually I have these questions dumped in the incinerator along with the question box because I know for a fact I’m not the one who sets that thing up and I don’t know why you people keep trying, but a couple of HR guys started flinging some new-age mumbo jumbo at me about ‘honesty’ and ‘transparency’ and I agreed to do this to put everyone’s minds at ease.

To start, when I was a younger Cave, eyes filled with hopes and dreams and ideas of founding my own multi-million dollar research firm, I loved Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria. As the restaurant’s founder said days before he vanished with a suitcase of bank bonds and some of the security room hardware, Freddy Fazbear and his friends would live on in the hearts of children everywhere. I’ve carried a love for these characters for years and when I heard my childhood wonderland was closing down I knew I had to step in, ‘gross mismanagement of company funds’ be damned. Do you know why we have so many robots? It’s because I love robots, they’re great, more useful than people most the time, never complain. That love came from Freddy Fazbear’s animatronic band. Y’know, one of those things in your childhood that gets engraved in your brain. I stared slack-jawed—like a lot of you do daily—in wonder at the robots. A lotta people may call them clunky, crude, outdated, a bit too stained with gore—but I say they were perfect.

Well, almost perfect. That’s why we made new ones that are even better than the old ones, and poured every bit of prototype AI we had into those sons-of-bitches. When Freddy Fazbear’s re-opens, it’s going to be like stepping into a whole new world for all those dumb little kids! A cartoon come to life where the characters are so real you can touch them, because they’re actually there! Not that we’ll want the kids to touch them but they could. And that’s actually the benefit for Aperture right there—AI testing! If some of you may recall we’ve been having a few problems with a few new routines we’ve been working on, and that’s how Freddy can help us. If we can get these robots to not kill everyone in the building after putting up with days of whining, sniveling, pizza-splattered children, then absolutely nothing will make them go on a humanity-genociding murder spree. It’s classic stress-testing! As for the old bots, we’ll just put them in the storage until we’re sure the new ones aren’t biting Tiny Tim’s face off, and then we’ll see what we can do with ‘em.

And if all this fails we rip out the robotics, splash some red on ‘em and sell them to a haunted house, banking on the whole ‘mysterious murders’  and the 1987 problem, we’ll probably earn most of the money back from that. So I don’t want to hear anymore complaints, or concerns, or any phone calls from the Better Business Bureau. This is the future of robot kind here and there isn’t a finer place to start than entertaining children. Cave Johnson, out.