Lilly Route: Conflict 2-11: Interview With a Katawa

Again, I find myself amused by the well organized clutter of the Hakamichi house, the jumbled sporting equipment that shares space with trophy cases and awards hanging from the walls. I see most of them have Jigoro's name on them, but a few have Shizune and Hideaki's praise written in faux gold. I do note a suspicious lack of family photos hanging anywhere and everything suggest that the three Hakamichis simply existed one day without any youth or childhood taking place. "You have a nice house, Hideaki." I say, trying to spark conversation.

He looks back at me from leading the way down the hall. "Really? Is your house not this nice?"
"Well, that's subjective. I mean to say, everyone has a different opinion on what makes a house nice."
"What do you think makes a house nice?"
"Well, I think it's nice that it's so big."
"Is your house not this big?"
I try to suppress a groan at the circular conversation. "Of course not. My family just has a little place in the city. We live near Tokyo, not near the country like you do."
He nods, seeming to accept my compliment. From the pleased look on his face, I think he believes I've accepted that his house is better than mine and won an argument he was the only participant in. "Do you like it here?" he asks. "I mean, are you having fun?"

I shrug at the question. "I guess so. It's nice to get out of school."
"Do you not like school?"
"No, I actually enjoy it a quite a bit. I'm not really that excited about academics, but I do enjoy science and a few other subjects."

He nods and the conversation dies, leaving an awkward silence after it's passing.
The dead air is almost painful and I find myself talking to fill it before thinking about an original question. "What about you? Do you enjoy school?"
"I don't go to school."

That stops me in my tracks. "Excuse me?"
Hideaki turns to face me coolly. "I don't go to school. My dad hires private tutors to teach me. He says that publicly funded school is for poor people. In his day, you had to pay your own tuition and he says he won't have me learning like poor people."
"You get taught by tutors? Don't you want to go to school?"
He shrugs dismissively. "Why would I? I bet I have better grades than you do."

That sounds like a challenge but I don't accept it nor get baited by his willful eyes. I'd rather not be caught comparing my marks with a fifteen year old. I think I'm a little frightened he may be right and be in a better percentile than I am. "So, if you don't go to school, what do you do all day?"

He shrugs again and we start walking once more. "I just stay around the house."
"Don't you have any hobbies?"
"I collect cameras."
"Oh, so you're into photography?"
He looks at me with a funny look. "No. I collect cameras. If I was into photography I would have said so. Those are two separate things."
"So... you collect cameras, but you don't use them."
"Correct."

Eerie. "That's a little strange."
"I don't think so. What do you do? Do you collect anything?"
"I used to collect toy cars when I was little."
"Collecting toys is something a child would do."
"I was a child when I did it. So are you, for that matter."
"Maybe, but collecting cameras is more mature than collecting toy cars."
"Only old men do things like collect cameras and not take pictures with them."
"Old men are very mature."
"So you collect cameras only so you'll look mature, not because you enjoy it? That sounds pretentious."
"I know a lot about cameras and several of them are rather rare."
"I refuse to believe there is such a thing as a 'rare' camera. Besides, it doesn't matter if you know a lot about them, it matters if you enjoy doing it. That's what makes it a hobby. Doing something just because it looks mature is a very immature thing to do."
"So is collecting toy cars."
"I only did that when I was young and immature."
“Then what hobbies do you have now?”
I hesitate when I come up with a blank. "Well, I don't really have any hobbies exactly. I used to like soccer and I do a bit of reading."
"Then what do you do with your time?"
"I, uh, actually, most of my free time is spent with Lilly."
"So your hobby is your girlfriend?"
"I... guess."
"What do you do together?"
I glare at him. "That is none of your business."
He seems surprised by my hesitation. "Why? Is it a secret?"

I realize that he probably doesn't even understand the question from my perspective. Anyone else would think of it as a personnel invasion, but Hideaki is actually simply curious about the subject. For being so dour most of the time, he has no sense of tact. "Well, mostly we... enjoy tea and each others company."
"That sounds like a very dull hobby."
"Maybe, but it is very mature and that seems to matter to you. You'll understand when you get older."
"Why does everyone say that to me?" he says with a pouty glare, hands tightened into fists. "My father says it, Akira says it and now you are saying it; what is going to happen when I get older? Is there some sort of club you join that only adults are allowed to be a part of? It sounds like adults just do boring things."
"Like collect cameras and not take pictures with them?"
"That is not the only thing I do."
"Then what else do you do?" I say, daring him to have yet another come back.
He pauses. "I... do magic tricks."
"Magic tricks? Like making things disappear or escape from handcuffs, that sort of thing?"
"No. I do... card tricks."
"Did you teach yourself?"
He looks distant for a while. "No. Someone taught me when I was a kid."
“You are a kid.”
“When I was... younger, then.”
"What kind of tricks?"
"I can pick out which card from a deck you took without looking at it."
"That's easy. you just look at the deck and see which card is missing."
"Well, I can do other things! Like, tell which card is going to come up next or hide them in my sleeve."
"How do you do that?"
"I can't tell you."
"Why not? Is it a secret," I ask, mimicking his own words.
"Yes, it is a secret. A magician never reveals his tricks."
"So what do you like more; collecting cameras or performing magic tricks?"
"I like the magic tricks more but it gets boring doing the same things all the time with no one to show.”
"Well, then you do have a real hobby, performing magic. Maybe you can show me a trick or teach me one while I'm here."

He looks stunned by my request. "You want to see one of my tricks?"
"Sure. You've got me interested. I've never done a magic trick before, it would be pretty neat to learn."

He looks unsure of what to say. I'm not entirely certain why it would be that strange of a request. He seemed to boast about it enough, I would only imagine he would appreciate someone taking the time to witness his skill. "Okay," he says, turning back around and leading me again down the hall, cutting our conversation off suddenly.

What a weird kid. Every time I try to say something nice to him or pay him a compliment, he acts like he doesn't know how to respond. Even something as simple as asking if I could call him in case of an emergency he took as some grave responsibility.

Then again, for me, it was a very 'grave' responsibility, but still, it seemed rather silly to put so much importance on it. Every time we talk it turns into a back and forth between us and escalates into what could be called an argument, though I don't get the feeling Hideaki ever thinks of it as anything other than a contest of wills. He seems flustered to win whenever I relent or offer a word of encouragement in parting.

Is he so unused to being congratulated that he really doesn't know how to react when someone says something positive to him? Hideaki and Akira are close, but with how much time she spends at work, he probably doesn't get much interaction outside his immediate family. With Shizune away at Yamaku, and being unable to speak, their time together may be stressed at best and his father... well, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I get the impression Jigoro takes his work more seriously than family life and with Hideaki not going to a school with other kids his age, he probably doesn't get much social interaction.

It's then that I realize that Hideaki probably doesn't have any friends.

Now his actions towards me make a lot more sense. Shizune said he asked a lot of questions about me. That night I came here looking for Lilly, did I leave that much of an impression on them? His father can't be a proper role model and Akira is a great person, but probably not around enough and she should have already been out of the country. Is that why he seems to be hanging onto me and gets so flustered when I compliment him? That's a little sad and it makes me feel sorry for the kid. How unfair is it that someone his age has to grow up like this, without friends, without anyone his own age and with a family that either refuses or can't interact with him?

Looking at the back of his head as we make our way down the long halls, I imagine it's a lot like how Hanako was when Lilly first met her; alone, afraid of contact, unused to social gatherings and without any friends, just a lonely person left to their own devices.

I feel sorry for him.

Hideaki stops in front of a door with a large brass plaque on it. It says, in bold, block letters, 'Jigoro Hakamichi' and under that it says, 'Consultant'. Underneath that, it lists times when the office is open.

I think this might be one of Jigoro's eccentricities; I don't think he works out of his house, and why would any sane person post times in their own home?

Never mind. I answered my own question. "Is Mr. Satou in here?"
"Yes," Hideaki says.

I take a deep breath.
"Are you going to be okay?" he asks.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thank you for showing me."
"It's okay."
He begins to turn but I call him back. "Hey, Hideaki?"
"Yes?"
I shrug a little. "Maybe while I'm here, I don't know, you and I can hang out a little."
He blinks. "Why?"
"Just... for no reason. Akira will be pretty busy with her dad around."
"Don't you want to hang out with your girlfriend? Isn't she your hobby?"
I smirk. "Well, yeah, but I'm sure Lilly won't mind. We always have time to ourselves, you know."
"What... would you like to do?"
The question leaves me stumped. "Well, what would you like to do?"
"I don't know."
I sigh and grasp at straws. "Well, you can show me a magic trick, maybe teach me one. If you want you can show me your collection." I search for something substantial. Taking a shot in the dark about what I know about Shizune, I ask him, "Do you like board games?"

His eyes light up and take on an eerie, hungry gleam. "I love board games," he replies very seriously in a flat tone.
"Well, we can play a game or two. How about that?"

His face gets very bright and for a second I think I can see the kid under all that seriousness. "I will defeat you," he states firmly.

He turns and walks away without another word.

It's a little amusing how something as simple as an invitation to play a game can make someone so happy. I guess my thoughts about Lilly and Hanako weren't so far off; if something so inconsequential can make someone so pleased, it's well worth the time to do it. Lilly took the time to befriend Hanako even though it wasn't easy and she did the same thing for me, lifted me out of my depression when I first came to Yamaku. It's only proper that I do the same for someone who needs my help as well. It feels good to do so and I think Lilly would be proud of my efforts to befriend Hideaki. He seems to need one.

Turning back to the door, I hesitate, not sure if I really want to knock. Deciding it's better to face the inevitable rather than suffer in dreadful anticipation, I knock on the door cleanly three times to announce myself.

"Come in."

The reply is sharp and and measured. I take a steadying breath, grab the handle and push the door open.

Jigoro's office belongs more in a business high rise than in a home, even as big as this one is. It has functional, if expensive looking furniture, black leather and metallic frames. The walls have certificates and photos on them, all of them with either Jigoro in them or his name in black ink. A large cabinet has a glass front with what looks like fishing lures on small cushions, Jigoro's prized collection he mentioned before, I imagine. The back wall has big, spotless windows without any blinds and the desk in front of it is massive and heavy, with a black glass top and not a speck of dust laying on it. Mr. Satou is in the big chair behind it, his elbows propped on the table, looking over his fingers at me, a very prepared looking pose.

He must have been posed and staring at the door for hours just for this moment. I hope it paid off for him.

"My brother is an idiot," he says in way of greeting, "but he has put some thought into his work space. I rather like it. Part of our agreement was that I got to use this space while I was here. I'm going to put my name on the door so he'll be reminded of that every time he walks down the hall."
"It's very impressive," I say in acknowledgment.
"My office is three times this size and looks out over Inverness rather than a city park, but that's to be expected. I am an executive, my brother is nothing more than a 'consultant', but who in their right mind would listen to his advice is beyond me." He nods slightly to a chair in front of the desk. "Sit."

I do as he asks, nearly sinking into the large leather chair. For an untold period of time, Mr. Satou looks at me, examining me like I was under a microscope and I was a curious germ that had floated under his sight. I've never been in a job interview, but I think this is what it's like. Or maybe this is more like a termination. I get the feeling this is either very well rehearsed or just how he treats anyone he doesn't like, whether they've professionally disappointed him or he deigns to talk one on one with the guy dating his daughter. The last time we were alone plays back in my head and I get a sour feeling in my stomach remembering what happened in front of Yamaku's gates between us.

Mr. Satou doesn't say anything but stands and walks to a nearby glass case set against the wall, multiple bottles and glasses inside. He takes one and begins pouring an amber colored drink into a clear glass, then grabs another, gesturing it towards me. "Do you drink?"

My spine tingles warning me of the trap.

If I say yes, he'll accuse me of breaking the law and being a delinquent or something.

If I refuse, he'll say I'm being rude and ungrateful to a host.

Thinking fast, I sputter a reply. "It's too early for me, thank you. Please, go ahead."
He seems to ponder on that for a moment, before placing the empty glass down with a thud and brings his own half full glass back to the desk. He sits, sinking into the leather before taking a long sip continuing to watch me carefully.

Point for me, I guess.

"I'm glad you and I get to have this chance to talk, Nakai," he starts formally. "To be honest, I would have preferred to have this sort of discussion with you or anyone becoming involved in my daughter's life before the relationship moves to such an advanced stage. That cannot be helped, though."

I nod nervously.

He smiles congenially. "Young man, please, relax. I'm only interested in getting to know you better. I imagine our first meeting has left you with a very poor outlook of me as a person. It is understandable, I hardly did anything to endear you towards me. I'm sure from your perspective I'm just some old man trying to interfere with your time alone with your girlfriend. Am I right?"

"I wouldn't say that. You're Lilly's father. What you think is very important to her."

He nods confidentially. "Yes, it is. Despite the distance between us, her mother and I have always tried to keep in contact with her. I realize conversations over the phone cannot possibly make it up to her for our long absence but my work was... well, my relocation was unavoidable. I had little choice but to transfer. My one regret is that Lilly was not able to join us in Inverness years ago." He chuckles to himself. "If she had, we wouldn't be in this messy situation now, would we?"

"I guess not, sir."

"No matter. It seems you and I were meant to meet each other like this." For a moment a look of concern passes his face. "First off, I think I should apologize."

"Apologize?"

"That's what I said. Pay attention. I'm afraid I've been terribly unkind towards you. I have a temper, I admit that and it often gets the better of me. Sometimes it makes me say and do things I don't entirely mean or should keep to myself. Both my wife and Lillian chastise me over it and I try to do better for them. The way I've treated you has been somewhat unfair. Whatever I may think of this situation, there must be something about you to endear her towards Lillian. I saw that when my brother blundered after me and you kept her from harm. This whole situation has been horribly taxing on me and my wife. Until recently, Lillian was supposed to be joining us after many years of separation. You can only imagine our disappointment over that, so if my recent actions have been overly hostile, please consider the position I've been placed in."
"I can understand how disappointing it must be for you."
"Very, and I am not used to being disappointed It is something I am unaccustomed to. I'll simply have to be patient while my plans for Lillian are put on hold. She clearly needs more time to come to a decision on this matter."

I don't like the way he uses the term, 'put on hold', like Lilly staying in Japan is a minor and temporary inconvenience. If he came here thinking he would change Lilly's mind about not moving, he's either fooling himself or willing to go to any length to get her to go back with him.

"For whatever reason, Lillian has decided that you can offer her something more than what her family can," he continues. "You must understand how concerned this makes us as her parents. I have always wanted the best for my daughters, even if they don't fully appreciate that. Akira has been... troublesome in the past and I had hoped that Lillian would be a simpler matter. Thanks to you, that isn't the case."

Again with Akira. I imagine Mr. Satou isn't the type of person to appreciate when their child has a different idea in store for their future than the one he has hand picked for them. Akira has always been one to go against the grain. Whether she followed her own wishes or simply opposed her father's plans for her out of spite, I bet that's the source of all the animosity between them. It's hard for me to imagine exactly what it is Akira could have done in the past to disappoint her father so much; they work for the same company, are in the same career path and Akira is moving to Scotland for a promotion that her father seemed to play a part in her getting. What more she could have done to obtain his approval, I can't imagine.

"I know this isn't what you planned," I begin. "I just want you to know how important to me Lillian... Lilly is to me. I'm sorry that your expectations for her haven't exactly panned out but you need to know, I'll do whatever it takes to make sure she is happy here."

Mr. Satou nods, setting his large hands flat on the desk. "I'm sure you will to the extent you are able. I must admit there is some... genuine affection between the two of you, that is plain." He smiles at me kindly for the first time. "You make her happy. If I knew nothing else about you, that fact alone would please me."

I nod and manage a smile of my own. "Her being happy is the most important thing to me. I know her being here it isn't what you wanted, but I only want what's best for her."

"As do I. Our goals are aligned. The matter at hand is what is best for her; you or her family?"

He leans back into the chair, keeping both eyes on me. "I imagine I should take the chance to get to know you better if you're going to continue having a presence in my daughter's life. So, why don't you tell me about yourself?"

This is what Akira had been talking about. From what she revealed to me, he already knows almost everything about who I am, right down to my grades and condition. She said he would want to hear it from me personally, maybe so he can judge what I'm willing to share with him and what I try to hide. I can't imagine keeping anything from him would do me any good, but if I had it my way I would prefer that he didn't know about my condition. I don't see what business it is of his and I'd rather he stopped bringing it up in casual conversation, most often as a source of ridicule or to give me grief over something that isn't under my control. Jigoro doesn't care how his words makes a person feel, I think Mr. Satou shares that with him. "Well, I don't have much to say honestly; I only started school here recently, about the beginning of the term in spring."

"How have you liked Yamaku in your time there?"
"Yamaku? I've enjoyed it very much, it's a great school. I'll admit, I was pretty uncomfortable about going there to begin with but once I got used to the setting, I adjusted. I even started to enjoy it and by now I'm happy I'm there."
"Were you so shocked to be surrounded by people with disabilities?"

I flinch from the accusatory tone. "I think I was still uncomfortable being one of them."

He nods to himself. "I understand. It must have been quite disconcerting to be dropped so suddenly into such an extreme environment. It would only be natural for you to cling onto anything that would give you a sense of normalcy and support given what you must have gone through. You would have needed some stable anchor to live for your around after that experience."

Lilly. He's talking about Lilly.

What goes unsaid but implied is his knowledge of my background; my heart attack and transfer to Yamaku. Like Akira said, it's a game of words to see what the other knows, to keep your cards hidden while making the other person show theirs. The hard part is knowing to avoid the stumbling blocks, especially when I'm not sure what they are.

Akira said not to let him get the upper hand, too keep the conversation about him. "You mentioned once you were part of the Yamaku Foundation?"
"I was at one time."
"What was your involvement?"

He either seems amused or surprised by my query, maybe a little proud to be given the chance to boast. "I used to sit on the board as a rather minor party, though this was long before Lillian attended, of course. My work didn't allow me much involvement in the school, but I did what I could on a volunteer basis, offering legal and financial advice, representing the interests of the school when necessary. I've donated regularly to the academy since Lillian was born and I was part of an overhaul of the school's operations, to make it more efficient and practical for the student's needs."

"So you help fund the school?"

"Not to an extravagant degree but I do my part. I was more of an adviser than anything. While I was involved, we helped reorganize the school and set up a sizable fund for its operations, investments that would keep the school's future secure. With the money we helped raise for financial assistance and scholarships, Yamaku was able to expand enrollment so it became open to more than just students with disabilities. Young adults who wanted to focus on a career in assisted living and teaching became able to attend so that they could be prepared for University courses on those subjects. In turn, they grew up to become volunteers and help people with special needs in their own way. The circle continues."

He seems to know a lot about this, even if it's been years since he was at Yamaku. He strikes me as the kind of person who would try to keep close tabs on any school he sends a daughter too, which is probably why he took such an interest in Yamaku. That seems likely since Lilly and Akira attended a Catholic school with varying degrees of success if what Lilly says is true. With Lilly being born blind, I can imagine Mr. Satou immediately set out to find the proper place for her to attend years before she was ready for high school and did what he could to make sure it was perfect for his daughter.

If he planned that far ahead for Lilly, how long was he planning on summoning her to Scotland?

I remember what Emi said to me about what she wanted to do at University and about what I know from Misha. "You mean careers like rehabilitation and sign language tutors?"
Mr. Satou nods looking rather pleased. "Yes, exactly. It creates an environment where students can interact with those with disabilities while preparing to learn how best to aid and adapt to them. Japan's treatment of it's disabled children is abominable; before the other members of the board and myself changed course for the school, it was little more than a prison of shame where parents could hide their mistakes. Shameful! We ensured it became a place of opportunity for our children and I was proud to send Lillian there after the work I had helped make possible."

"Is that why Shizune attends as well?"

A dark shadow passes over Mr. Satou's face and a tiny grimace curls his lip. "No. My brother has long had his own idea of how best to educate his children. While I was intimately involved with preparing for Lillian's needs, my brother simply paid to have others try and take care of his own children. He hired tutors to teach them and even had the audacity to hire several to try and teach Shizune to speak! Can you imagine how humiliating that would be for her? I was very proud when I heard Shizune had chosen to go to Yamaku and refused to allow my brother to continue holding her back. He has been nothing but an obstacle in her way. I feel there are great things in my nieces future.”

"You seem to take a lot of interest in Shizune."

He nods sadly. "Of course I do. It's shameful how my brother treats her, but it is not my place to interfere with how he raises his own daughter. For his behavior I don't blame her for the animosity between them. The best thing he could have done for her is to let her go to Yamaku, to give her the chance to grow and mature without his interference and abuse. It's what I and others like me wanted; to ensure that students there would be proud of the education they receive and be given a chance to excel even with their difficulties."

I'm a little stunned by what he's said. I'm having trouble reconciling the Mr. Satou I've seen with the one sitting across from me. A philanthropist, a man helping to organize a school for the disabled, concerned over his brother's treatment of his deaf niece and insulted by his harsh treatment of her. It's difficult to see both of these versions of him at the same time. If what he says is true, it could explain Lilly and Akira's drastically different perceptions of their father.

Maybe this is the father Lilly knows and the one I've seen is Akira's version.
The question is, which Mr. Satou is the real one?

"That's really impressive to hear. I guess I owe you even more thanks than I gave you for what you did for the school."
He smiles gratefully. "It's been a privilege to help Yamaku, though it isn't entirely out of the goodness of my better nature that I've put so much effort into it," he says. "I am getting something out of it; my part in Yamaku guarantees Lillian receives the best education possible and ensures she is well taken care of. I always planned on Lillian attending from the moment she was born and with the help of others, I played some small part in making it someplace that I would be happy to send her. I have always been intimately concerned with Lillian's education and upbringing, even while I've been gone. I only sent her to the best schools with the best teachers, ones who would take the time for her..." he stops and for the first time I see some difficulty coming from him as he tries to grasp words, a strange expression on his face. "Her... unique needs," he finishes.

If he is this uncomfortable just admitting Lilly has difficulties being blind, no wonder he was so furious with me for just a simple use of the word 'see'. It also explains his anger at how Jigoro treats Shizune.

So why the hell does he not care about bringing up my heart? Does his sympathy only extend to members of his family?

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