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Game Grumps Sitcom Pilot

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  1. [Opening credits. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=3Tw0O8DBgb0#t=174 Shot of the Earth. On “All around the world” we zoom in hard onto the Grump House. Up to the fourth “I just want to fly” we see shots of Arin animating and being interrupted by Ross, Suzy doing the Grump accounts and slowly falling asleep into them, Barry fighting back-to-back with Ninja Brian against a seemingly endless hoard of kunoichi, and Danny rocking out on the roof to a crowd on the streets below. As each character comes on-screen their credit in the Grump font appears below them. Fly fades out over the Game Grumps logo, with the various heads rolling in and competing for space]
  2.  
  3. Episode One: Cool Cats
  4.  
  5. [Establishing shot of the Grump House. Cut inside to a tiny furball of a kitten on the table doing a handstand.]
  6.  
  7. [Simultaneous]
  8. ARIN: Aww, look at the little guy
  9. SUZY: It's so cute
  10. BARRY: I wanna hug it
  11. DANNY: That is adorable
  12.  
  13. [Wide shot showing the Grumps crowding around the kitten]
  14.  
  15. ROSS: [Rushed monotone] It's cute.
  16.  
  17. [Everyone looks at Ross for a second then return their attention to the kitten]
  18.  
  19. BARRY: So what are you gonna call the little rascal?
  20.  
  21. ARIN: I was thinking Herbert.
  22.  
  23. [Suzy shakes her head]
  24.  
  25. DANNY: I have a list of obscene suggestions? [Holds up piece of paper]
  26.  
  27. [Arin takes the list, scrumples it into a ball, and throws it over his shoulder without taking his eyes of Danny. Cut to a close up of the ball bouncing off the closed lid of the trashcan]
  28.  
  29. [Fade to Danny's Sexatorium. Danny and Barry are present]
  30.  
  31. DANNY: [Whirling dramatically to Barry] There's a reason I've brought you here, Barry.
  32.  
  33. BARRY: [Deadpan] Uh-huh.
  34.  
  35. DANNY: I have something to show you. [Crosses to the heart-shaped, immaculately made bed, gestures to it grandly as if this explains everything]
  36.  
  37. [beat]
  38.  
  39. BARRY: Say more words, please.
  40.  
  41. DANNY: Do you see this Barry?
  42.  
  43. BARRY: I'm not sure what part of this [gestures] I'm meant to be seeing
  44.  
  45. DANNY: Do you see this bed, Barry? Do you notice how its covers are neither disturbed nor soiled?
  46.  
  47. BARRY: Your tone implies that you see this as a problem.
  48.  
  49. DANNY: Uh, yeah, Barry! It means I haven't had sex in literally days! Ninja Bryan is the worst wingman in the world! He never says a damn thing to boost me up, you know?
  50.  
  51. BARRY: And the murders.
  52.  
  53. DANNY: And the murders! [Points at Barry] That's where you come in. [Suddenly clutches Barry by the shirt and gets uncomfortably close] I need you, Barry. I need you like this simile needs a subject!
  54.  
  55. BARRY: Okay then.
  56.  
  57. [Fade to the Grump Room. Ross is chilling on the couch. He is visibly doing nothing. Arin and Suzy enter]
  58.  
  59. ARIN: Ross, can you do something for us?
  60.  
  61. ROSS: [Does not move] 'M busy.
  62.  
  63. SUZY: We have a meeting with our inve- [Arin touches her arm and shakes his head] We have to do business stuff, [Arin gives thumbs-up] we need you to watch the kitten while we're gone.
  64.  
  65. ROSS: But I need to procrastinate!
  66.  
  67. [Close up of Suzy]
  68.  
  69. SUZY: Too bad!
  70.  
  71. [Canned laughter, return to previous shot]
  72.  
  73. ROSS: [Sighs loudly] Fiiiiiiiine. I'll watch the stupid cat that does stupid handstands.
  74.  
  75. SUZY: Thank you Ross.
  76.  
  77. ARIN: [Mumbled] You're the stupid one, stupid.
  78.  
  79. SUZY: We'll be back in a couple hours, okay? There's wet food in the cupboard above the sink.
  80.  
  81. [Arin and Suzy leave]
  82.  
  83. ROSS: Bye. [Does not move]
  84.  
  85. [Cut to Arin and Suzy outside]
  86.  
  87. ARIN: I'm not sure we can trust Ross with- [beat] anything. Anything whatsoever.
  88.  
  89. SUZY: Oh come on, just give him a chance. I'm sure it'll be fine. [She neither looks nor sounds sure that it will be fine]
  90.  
  91. [Cut back to Ross, staring at the kitten while it does a handstand on the table in front of him. Mimi and Mochi are at the edge of frame staring at the kitten with cat-jealousy]
  92.  
  93. ROSS: [Petulantly] You're not that impressive, nameless kitten. I could do handstands if I wanted to. [Beat. Ross then gets closer to the kitten and shouts] But I don't want to! So I won't!
  94.  
  95. [The kitten falls gently over onto its butt]
  96.  
  97. [Fade to Danny and Barry at the club. Danny is wearing a blazer over his unitard, Barry is wearing the same polo shirt he was wearing earlier. An attractive young lady temporarily leaves them to powder her nose]
  98.  
  99. DANNY: Wow, man, this is going great. I can't thank you enough for this.
  100.  
  101. [Barry shrugs]
  102.  
  103. DANNY: And man, am I glad that you gained the mystical power to edit out the things I say. That could have been awkward with the whole spinacker thing. Not so stoked about your ability to force me to rap...
  104.  
  105. BARRY: It is my gift. And my curse.
  106.  
  107. DANNY: [Unnecessarily backhands Barry's arm to get his attention] Oh my god look at this unacceptable turn of events.
  108.  
  109. [Shot of the attractive young lady talking to a man with neatly cut hair wearing a shirt and tie, then cut back to Danny, now wearing sunglasses]
  110.  
  111. DANNY: It's my archrival, [Removes sunglasses for effect] Tommy Chastityprude.
  112.  
  113. [Young Lady returns to Barry and Danny]
  114.  
  115. LADY: I'm sorry, I've decided to reconsider some of the life decisions that have led me to this point, I'm gonna go. It was nice talking to you though.
  116.  
  117. DANNY: [Affably] You too.
  118.  
  119. [She leaves]
  120.  
  121. DANNY: God damn it.
  122.  
  123. [Tommy slides into the seat the woman had been occupying. He is drinking a mineral water.]
  124.  
  125. TOMMY: [Smug smile] Hey there Dan.
  126.  
  127. DANNY: Hey there, Tom. [Danny says the name Tom the way you'd say shitbag] How's that Patrol of yours?
  128.  
  129. TOMMY: Pretty great. And your Party?
  130.  
  131. DANNY: [Shotguns the remainder of the woman's fruity drink, slams the glass down on the table] Hard.
  132.  
  133. TOMMY: So who's yo-
  134.  
  135. DANNY: Eat a dick Tommy, you abstinent motherfucker.
  136.  
  137. BARRY: [Quietly] That doesn't make sense.
  138.  
  139. DANNY: Look, I've had just about enough of you blocking my cock, Tommy. [Reaching into the inside of his blazer] Luckily I never leave home without my trusty shurik- [Takes a yo-yo out from inside his blazer] God damnit Ross.
  140.  
  141. [Cut to Ross in the Grump House throwing shurikens at a door. At the end of him pulling one back to throw it, the phone rings and he loses his grip in surprise, tossing the shuriken out of frame. After a moment there is a high-pitched meow]
  142.  
  143. ROSS: That can't be good.
  144.  
  145. [After a beat cut to Ross on the couch, holding the phone to his ear. In the background the traschcan from earlier is visible, with the lid held up by an overstuffed garbage bag. For the very observant viewer, the tip of a shuriken is visible poking through the plastic.]
  146.  
  147. ROSS: Hello pet store? Do you deliver? Great! [beat] Wait really? I was expecting you to say no. I didn't think that was a thing that pet stores did. Anyway I need a kitten. A fluffy kitten. Now.
  148.  
  149. [Fade back to da club]
  150.  
  151. DANNY: You know what Tommy? I don't even need to murder you. You don't bother me. Maybe you can use, what, logic, or whatever, to make girls not sleep with me – but dancing goes right past logic straight to their primitive reptile brain and says “Hey. Bone me.”
  152.  
  153. [Danny stands up and sheds his blazer in one fluid motion. He flips the bird at Tommy repeatedly, then leaves frame towards the dancefloor. We never see him dance, but we see the reaction of various women spilling their drinks, fanning themselves, and going through bodily and facial reactions that would make the network threaten to air the show later at night]
  154.  
  155. [Danny returns to the table with Barry and Tommy. The front of his jewfro is falling in wet curls across his forehead]
  156.  
  157. DANNY: What do you have to say about that dickweed?
  158.  
  159. [Tommy loosense his tie very slightly and then walks without ceremony to the dancefloor. He proceeds to perform the whitest dancing conceivable, and inexplicably the same reaction shots are used. He quietly returns to the table]
  160.  
  161. DANNY: What the fuck?
  162.  
  163. TOMMY: [Retightening his tie] Your crude ninja moves lack the discipline and pride of a samurai.
  164.  
  165. DANNY: This isn't cool! Do I, do I like, come to the AA meetings you host and distribute free shots?
  166.  
  167. TOMMY: You've done that twice.
  168.  
  169. DANNY: Whatever! [Runs off to the bathroom]
  170.  
  171. BARRY: [Leans over the table] Look, can we talk? Man to man? Outside?
  172.  
  173. TOMMY: Of course. [Exeunt]
  174.  
  175. [We return to Ross, now looming over a new kitten identical to the previous one. It is sat on the table looking up at him. In the background Mimi and Mochi are batting the traschcan with curiosity and their paws]
  176.  
  177. ROSS: Do a handstand!
  178.  
  179. KITTEN: Mrow?
  180.  
  181. ROSS: HANDSTAND!
  182.  
  183. [After a few seconds Ross picks up the kitten and turns it upside down. When he puts it on the table it just slides into a reclined position]
  184.  
  185. ROSS: Kitten I need you to do a handstand because if you don't then Suzy and Arin will know you aren't the real kitten and then they'll be mad at me and then Arin won't let me do the show any more and then I'll have to go back to whatever I used to do or starve or something and please just do a handstand kitty!
  186.  
  187. [Close up of kitten. It plants both of its front paws on the table. There is a few seconds of anticipation. It then performs a fairly competent forward roll]
  188.  
  189. ROSS: God damn it! [Slams head into table]
  190.  
  191. ARIN: [Offscreen] We're home!
  192.  
  193. ROSS: [Lifting head off table] Oh god no.
  194.  
  195. [Cut back to the club. Danny is sat looking depressed at the bar when Barry comes back]
  196.  
  197. DANNY: Where'd you go?
  198.  
  199. BARRY: I beat up that Tommy guy for you.
  200.  
  201. DANNY: [Brightening up] Aw, thanks man. I appreciate it. [Pats Barry's muscular arm]
  202.  
  203. BARRY: No problem.
  204.  
  205. DANNY: Come on man, let's get out of here.
  206.  
  207. BARRY: Thank god. Everything is sticky in here. [They begin leaving the club] Also it's like midday, and we're at a club, so that's weird.
  208.  
  209. [Cut to Ross, Arin, and Suzy in the living room of the Grump House. The imposter kitten is lying on the table]
  210.  
  211. SUZY: He wasn't any trouble, was he?
  212.  
  213. ROSS: N-no, of course not...
  214.  
  215. [The too-loud ticking of a clock pervades the scene. We cut between Ross's profusely sweating face, the kitten, and the clock constantly, showing Arin and Suzy only for their lines]
  216.  
  217. ARIN: We still haven't come up with a good name for him yet... Any ideas Ross?
  218.  
  219. ROSS: Uhhm... Orpheus?
  220.  
  221. ARIN: Ross, that's your cat's name.
  222.  
  223. ROSS: Oh, haha, yeah, you're right. How silly of me.
  224.  
  225. [Several seconds of silence, bar the ticking of that infernal clock]
  226.  
  227. SUZY: Arin did you remem-
  228.  
  229. ROSS: I ADMIT IT! I KILLED YOUR CAT! THIS IS JUST AN IMPOSTER! BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT! THE PHONE RANG WHEN I WAS PLAYING WITH DANNY'S SHURIKENS! IT'S THE PHONE'S FAULT! OR DANNY'S! I DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL YOUR CAT!
  230.  
  231. [Arin and Suzy sit in stunned silence for several seconds]
  232.  
  233. ARIN: And you just... got us a new cat?
  234.  
  235. ROSS: Yeah apparently pet stores deliver now.
  236.  
  237. ARIN: Huh.
  238.  
  239. SUZY: Eh, call it even.
  240.  
  241. [Credits roll]
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