Beyond the confidence thing, there's been a lot going on in the last 5 years. Not doing so hot in college, my grandpa's deteriorating mental state and eventual death (he was always the father figure in my life, and I regret growing distant from him when he was still lucid), trying to save PF2 and bring back the glory days, the death of PF2. Going back further, the 10 year mark just passed on a bad breakup where I was the abusive, clingy shitter. I still feel horribly guilty over that one (it's why I like Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep so much). Even further back, I was the stereotypical bullied geek all through school. Some of them started in kindergarden and didn't stop until I graduated high school and never saw most of them again. I know I'm fucked up for still being affected by that, but over a decade of being insulted for anything and everything does a number on you that you can't just shake off easily. I've been formally diagnosed with social anxiety disorder (on the lower end of the scale, but it will make Bronycon stressful for me, and I'll probably end up almost paralyzed with fear at least once when trying to buy something from a vendor or whatever), and its untreated (bullshit rules at the time of diagnosis for getting me pills I could afford and a real dislike of how paxil made me feel while trying it).

My head is all messed up. I got used to feeling like an asshole and tried pushing through second thoughts when I tried asserting myself and being confident. I had to keep going with what I thought was right or just fall back into unassertive slop. I don't know how else to handle it without trotting around acting like I know what the fuck I'm doing.

Even if I do manage to change, I don't think anyone will give me a second chance. Everything I say is always interpreted in the worst possible way.