Coda

May 25 01:50:39 <deadEpi>	[You've been out here for ages.]
May 25 01:51:38 <deadEpi>	[Ages and ages and ages and ages. People drift in and out, you nudge events and perform acts of being really obtuse to dreamers instead of telling them what they want to know, that kind of thing.]
May 25 01:51:55 <deadEpi>	[But this is an image you return to, even after all these years.]
May 25 01:52:42 <deadEpi>	[The SS Fuck This Shit, pilfered retrofitted Derse battleship, and the room your sessionmates had turned into... well, basically, the rec room.]
May 25 01:53:01 <deadEpi>	[You know, couch, TV on the wall, game table, that kind of thing.]
May 25 01:54:40 <deadEpi>	[You are stretched out on the couch, staring at the television as it plays out something that you got on a memory stick from some dreamer or other. It's a terrible movie, and you've actually seen two different versions of it before, one of which was subtitled Alternian, but the acting is marginally more amusing in this version.]
May 25 01:55:13 <deadEpi>	[The bubble's in attract mode. You're in the mood for a visitor.]
May 25 02:07:45 <deadZeimah>	[You're...wandering. You don't have a particular goal in mind, beyond to find Epi. Preferably /your/ Epi - but would he really want to see you? You aren't sure any more.]
May 25 02:08:12 <deadZeimah>	[Not after what was said and done, when you two last saw each other.]
May 25 02:09:24 <deadEpi>	[This bubble should feel familiar, then.]
May 25 02:11:00 <deadZeimah>	[You shuffle into the bubble, startling as you recognize your surroundings. Startle more as you realize who's there.]
May 25 02:13:04 <deadZeimah>	["I. Riley?" Hope that it's one who'll be far enough along to know what happened, that you are far older and more scarred than you were in your fifth session. Or your sixth. Tug at your raggedy Mage robes, not feeling up to the effort of remembering something more presentable.]
May 25 02:17:33 <deadEpi>	[So she's probably from... well, she was Mage of Time in her first, but she wasn't postcoon - or, for that matter, appearance-stabilized - in her first, so she's at least from after the voyage. You recall vaguely from an encounter with another of yourself that she rerolls later.]
May 25 02:18:06 <deadEpi>	[She obviously needs a hug right now. This is what you offer. Explanations can come later. They usually do anyway, if you wait long enough.]
May 25 02:18:30 <deadZeimah>	[Hugs. Hugs are good.]
May 25 02:19:30 <deadZeimah>	[Cling to him and weep on his shoulder. Remember yourself smaller, so that you fit more comfortably against him.]
May 25 02:22:31 <deadEpi>	["Shhhhh, everything's okay. It's all right."]
May 25 02:23:19 <deadEpi>	[Also backrubs, but there's no way to describe those in more detail without resorting to unattractive anatomical terms, given that, you know, you learned troll anatomy while fixing her and thus the colloquial names were never important.]
May 25 02:24:36 <deadZeimah>	[Hiccup, but don't try to stop crying. The tears will stop when it's time for them to stop. You snuggle closer, the tears slowing enough that talking is possible.]
May 25 02:28:21 <deadZeimah>	["I promised, I promised that when you didn't feel guilty about her any more, I'd do it if I had to, and you didn't, but you didn't want to go through with it /either/ and..." Hiccup again.]
May 25 02:28:38 <deadZeimah>	[Try to figure out how, precisely, to explain that it's really not okay.]
May 25 02:31:39 <deadEpi>	[You're not sure what she's talking about, but you guide her over to the sofa and pull out a box of tissues.]
May 25 02:37:36 <deadZeimah>	[Let him guide you and sit down. Wipe at your eyes and blow your nose. "I. You didn't feel guilty about Mindblogger any more. And you said. You said that if that ever happened, you'd have become someone you didn't want to be."]
May 25 02:39:13 <deadZeimah>	["And - and I promised, that if that happened and I was in session with you..." Hiccup again.]
May 25 02:39:45 <deadEpi>	[...only time has dulled those wounds, for you. If your alpha was still in the Game when... shit. Shit.]
May 25 02:40:23 <deadEpi>	[Hmm. How did she nudge you to begin at the beginning of a train of thought again?]
May 25 02:44:37 <deadEpi>	["...it really helps me to start at the beginning. Do you think you could...?"]
May 25 02:52:26 <deadZeimah>	[Swallow and try to gather your thoughts. "You said, after everyone figured out that the Mark took away feelings, that if you stopped feeling guilty about Mindblogger, then you'd have stopped being...you. Or 'least, a you that you wanted to be."]
May 25 02:53:41 <deadEpi>	["Shhhhhh. It's okay."]
May 25 02:54:36 <deadEpi>	[If she thinks this is the beginning, then she's obviously from /much/ further up in the timeline than you are, because you still don't understand any of this. So instead of telling her that she should start from further behind, you tell her: "...I'm from -" you count on your fingers - "the session I spent with Spenih and Echo and Dawn, putting the session code back together after it had been Voided. How far ahead does that make you?"]
May 25 03:01:59 <deadZeimah>	["...oh." Consider. "...five sessions out, from where you're from." Swallow.]
May 25 03:11:09 <deadZeimah>	["You made a Deal. There were...there was a Mark, from it. We found out later that it drained your emotions. I don't know if it was just negative ones, or if those were just the first ones to go."]
May 25 03:14:41 <deadZeimah>	["After we figured that out...you said that if you stopped feeling guilty about Mindblogger, you wouldn't be a version of you that you wanted to be." Blow your nose again and shift a bit so you're looking at him. "The Deal was for servers. So that they wouldn't vanish, even if you did. Exact terms were that they'd last as long as the hate of someone who had loved you."]
May 25 03:15:27 <deadZeimah>	["You said that the Mark was - what you were told was that it was for keeping track of the Deal, plus other stuff that you weren't told about."]
May 25 03:20:16 <deadEpi>	[You look down at yourself.]
May 25 03:21:01 <deadEpi>	["And I told you to destroy me, when I was far enough gone that I was losing my moral compass."]
May 25 03:22:34 <deadZeimah>	[You nod. "Yeah. When you didn't feel guilty about Mindblogger any more, was the point you decided was too far." Swallow. "And. And we ended up in session together."]
May 25 03:23:14 <deadZeimah>	["And it had happened, except you...you didn't want to go through with it."]
May 25 03:24:56 <deadEpi>	[You suddenly feel very small, and very powerless.]
May 25 03:25:14 <deadEpi>	["...Animals... want to live, too."]
May 25 03:28:05 <deadZeimah>	["Yeah." Rest your head on his shoulder again. "Everything wants to live."]
May 25 03:28:13 <deadZeimah>	["Nearly everything, 'least."]
May 25 03:33:46 <deadEpi>	[You remember another bubble you saw, once.]
May 25 03:34:22 <deadEpi>	[A version of you was trapped inside a memory, screaming: "What did I do wrong?" again and again, on loop.]
May 25 03:35:48 <deadEpi>	[Zei's face loomed above, warped by decay of the memory, repeating the same facial expressions, forever - horror, determination, grief.]
May 25 03:35:53 <deadEpi>	[You were less experienced then, and could not figure out how to get yourself out.]
May 25 03:36:09 <deadEpi>	[You try to breathe.]
May 25 03:37:20 <deadEpi>	["The one you - well - he's still out there. Somewhere. Maybe you can find him one day, and release him from that memory."]
May 25 03:38:04 <deadEpi>	[You draw into yourself, clasping your arms around your knees.]
May 25 03:43:20 <deadZeimah>	[You whine, curling in on yourself. You end up in a ball beside him.]
May 25 03:44:29 <deadEpi>	[You uncurl enough that you can guide her onto your lap, if she wants.]
May 25 03:48:13 <deadZeimah>	[You do - in fact, you cling to him once the opportunity presents itself. The tears start again. "'m sorry."]
May 25 03:50:21 <deadEpi>	["...you did what you promised, and I agree with the judgements my past selves made, more or less. I can't tell you not to be sorry, but you're as amazing as I've always known you to be."]
May 25 03:50:44 <deadEpi>	["It was for the new Seer Network, right? At least they got some good data points out of it."]
May 25 03:54:56 <deadZeimah>	["It was," you confirm. Cling tighter.]
May 25 03:55:39 <deadEpi>	["Then I have no regrets." You kiss the top of her head and put your arms around her.]
May 25 03:59:39 <deadZeimah>	[That helps. All of it helps. There are still tears, of course. "I wish....wish I could've fixed it. So you wouldn't have lost that." You know, intellectually, that it wouldn't have been possible - not without a second Deal.]
May 25 03:59:47 <deadZeimah>	[But that doesn't stop the wishing for a way.]
May 25 04:00:25 <deadEpi>	["...would you, by chance, be the alpha?"]
May 25 04:01:17 <deadEpi>	[One last thing to ask about.]
May 25 04:01:46 <deadZeimah>	["Yes," comes the softly-whispered answer. You aren't sure whether to hope he doesn't ask how long after him you fell.]
May 25 04:04:17 <deadEpi>	[You hug her more tightly, but at least you don't need to be afraid of her seeing you cry.]
May 25 04:04:20 <deadEpi>	[Not anymore.]
May 25 04:08:37 <deadZeimah>	[End]