To Pitch a Tent (M4F)

TO PITCH A TENT

Oh my god, I’m so exhausted. I had a lot of fun today, even if we were out there for eight hours and didn’t catch a single fish. You know what they say, “A bad day fishing is better than a good day at the office.” I don’t know *who* says that. My dad says it. Maybe I’m an old man, I don’t know.

Hey, can I tell you something? [pause] [hesitant and awkward] I, uhhh, I wanted you to know that, ummm, I really—had a lot of fun today. Yeah, that’s it. I had fun. And I don’t even remember the last time I sat around a campfire. We need to do this more often. Maybe if I get more practice, I won’t burn a hole in the tent while we’re roasting marshmallows. Sorry you have to sleep in the holey tent with me. [giggle] “Holy tent;” it’s like if Jesus went camping.

Did you have fun today? Ooh, your shoulders are really sunburnt. I brought this lotion in case I got burnt. You can use some if you want. I don’t know if you’ll be able to—[hesitantly] I mean, if you want, I could…do you want me to rub it on your shoulders for you? [insert lotion squirting/rubbing noises]

[speaking while rubbing lotion] Wow, you have pretty shoulders. Like, *excessively* pretty. I don’t think I’ve ever seen shoulders this pretty. It’s surprising. I mean it’s surprising because I’ve never really noticed anyone’s shoulders, not because I don’t think you’re pretty. Because I think you’re....[awkward cough/throat clear] Did you use sunblock today? I like that word, ‘block.’ It sounds like a drowning chicken. [chicken-sounding] Block block block block.

There you go. Hopefully they don’t sting so much now. Well I’m pretty tired. [awkward fake yawn] I think I’m going to go to bed. Well, not bed--sleeping bag, I guess. I’m going to go to sleeping bag. Are you going to sleeping bag, too? I’ll shut off the lamp if you’re going to sleeping bag. [sleeping bag noises] Good night. I had a lot of fun with you—with everyone today. I hope you did, too.

[a bit of silence]

Hm, it’s kind of cold in here. I think there’s a draft coming through the hole in the tent. Are you cold? If you want, we could—well I have a blanket in my car, so I could just go get that, but I was thinking if you wanted to [hesitantly] maybe we could cuddle? Just to keep warm, I mean. And if you don’t want to, that’s fine, but I’m just saying I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea. Do you want to? [pause] Cool, let me just unzip for you. [sleeping bag noises] My sleeping bag, I mean. Let me unzip my sleeping bag. Can’t unzip pajama pants. [nervous laughter]

I’ll just put my arm around…wow, this is nice. I love how your back feels pressed up against my chest. You’re a really good cuddler; do you, like, practice or something? I don’t even know what I’m talking about, practice cuddling. Ok, good night for real this time. Good night. [bad Australian accent] G’night, mate! [awkward pause] Sorry. Good night.

[a bit of silence]

Hey, so that thing I was gonna tell you earlier. Sorry, were you asleep? I didn’t think you’d fall asleep that fast. Sorry if you were. But, I wanted to tell you something. [speaking to self] All right self, you can do this; use your words. [speaking to her again] I, uhhh, I really like you. [nervous fast rambling] Sorry, that was weird. Was that weird? That was weird. [hesitant] So, do you maybe like me?

[whispering to self] Fuck yeah. Nice. Yes. [to her] I’m so glad. You’re ridiculously pretty and really funny and—I like being around you. I feel comfortable around you. Actually, that’s a lie. I get this anxious excitement when I’m around you because I want you to think I’m cool and not a complete dork whose favorite movie may or may not be Toy Story. You make me feel like a falling dream only I’m not scared.

Would it be too forward if I asked to kiss you right now? [pause] Oh my god, tonight is amazing. [kiss] Tonight is amazing, and you’re amazing, and what even is life right now? [kissing] You’re such a good kisser. Can I…touch your breasts? [pause] Nice. Because they’re amazing. [kissing] Oh, does it feel good when I massage them like that? Should I do it more? Ok! [lots of kissing]

Oh geez. Uhhh, I’m starting to pitch a bit of a holey tent myself. Sorry for poking you like that. It’s just, you’re one of the hottest girls I’ve ever met and by far the hottest I’ve ever kissed. So I’m a little bit…excited? right now. [nervously rushing] Do you wanna have sex with me? [normal pace] Oh god, I can’t believe I just said that. [pause] Yeah? All right!

Get naked, and I’ll get naked, too. [struggling with pants] Shit, my holey tent is stuck on a stake. There we go.

Are you, um, wet enough? Do we need lube or anything? Let me just check down—wow, I think we’re good. [Deep breath] Ok, are you ready? I’ll just put this…there? You feel so soft and warm against me. Can we…do you mind if we just go slow? I’ll just [slowly] push in a little bit. [gasp] This feels incredible. *You* feel incredible. Should I go further? All right. [surprised, breath starts to increase] I’m all the way inside of you. Oh my fuckwheeling tittycabinets does this feel good. I really want to high five you right now, but I don’t think it’s an appropriate time, so maybe we should just have sex and make out instead? [pause] Sounds good to me.

[improv moans and slow kissy sex]

Would you like it if I kissed your neck? [sex, kissing, etc] You have a beautiful face, an insanely attractive body, and you even taste good. How are you even a real person? And how am I having sex with you right now? [more sex and kissing] I need to lick your nipples. Now.

[improv to orgasm]

Wow, that was…you were…[long, slow kiss] I have no idea what I did to deserve a night like this with someone as wonderful as you. I must have been a doctor who saved the lives of like eight thousand babies in a past life or something. Seriously, you’re just so fucking cool and beautiful and—I had a lot of fun today, and I’m glad it was with you.

Can we just maybe sleep like this tonight, with my skin against yours? Oh, and just one more thing before we go to sleep—[kiss]