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BadFicWriter

Death Battle: Celestia vs Fluffy Pony

Jan 10th, 2013
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  1. >W ”They are the pride of man children everywhere.”
  2. >B ”People look at these fandoms and say what the hell is the appeal!?”
  3. >W ”But both have devoted fans who write fan fiction and make fan art of both.”
  4. >B ”And no one has any idea why.”
  5. >W ”Princess Celestia is the ruler of Equestria.”
  6. >B ”Fluffy pony is on the receiving end of the universe’s hate.”
  7. >W ”Today we put these two fan icons and make them face each other in a one on one fight!”
  8. >B ”He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick.”
  9. >W ”And it is our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win, a death battle!”
  10. >W “Princess Celestia is the ruler of Equestria and leader of its ponies.”
  11. >B “But what about Luna?”
  12. >W “She has not been shown in any court making any decisions. In the Crystal Empire she shows that Celestia in fact makes the royal decisions and she just accepts them.”
  13. >B “Bitch can’t even show up when the capital is being invaded.”
  14. >W “Princess Celestia is also large, larger than any pony yet shown.”
  15. >W “Most estimations have her at roughly 6 foot 6 inches give or take a few.”
  16. >B “Both the apple method and the 8 foot candy cane gave similar results.”
  17. >W “She is also the most magical creature in equestrian per Hasbro.”
  18. >W “Her magic is so strong she can move and control the sun.”
  19. >B “She must be one hot babe!”
  20. >W “She was once the bearer of the elements of harmony, the most powerful magical device in the MLP universe.”
  21. >B “Nothing is official but it is possible she was able to handle all six elements by herself!”
  22. >W “She has been shown to dispel magic over a large area and can teleport the distance from Canterlot to Ponyville in an instant.”
  23. >W “She has even shown to be proficient in both light and dark magic.”
  24. >W “And being part unicorn she can levitate and manipulate objects at will.”
  25. >W “She is also ancient being over a thousand years old making her not only the most magical pony but probably the most seasoned and experienced pony as well.”
  26. >B “Seasoned and experienced? I bet she is a devil in the sack!”
  27. >W “But even with all her might she is not invulnerable. She was beaten by Queen Chrysalis during the Changeling invasion after Queen Chrysalis absorbed all the love from Shining Armor.”
  28. >B “Many a fanboy wept that day let me tell you! Just goes to show all you ladies out there you need a good love injection everyonce in a while. Hungh!!! ”
  29. >W “Even though Princess Celestia is often showed as being kind and motherly it is noteworthy that she has a bit of a mischievous side.”
  30. >B “She makes her pegasus body guards carry her around even though she can fly… while wearing gold fucking armor!”
  31. >W “The fluffy pony!”
  32. >W “This sub group formed from the original MLP fan base and the character has both real worl and Equestrian incarnations.”
  33. >W “Fluffy ponies are always portrayed as small, even though there is no real canon to their size they have been shown to be from ankle high to just below an average man’s knees.”
  34. >W “In Equestria they are often portrayed as being about belly high to the normal ponies.”
  35. >B “Awww, they look so cute!”
  36. >W “That’s right Boomstick, they are design for cuteness and adorableness in almost all instances where they are placed in a story.”
  37. >W “They are also very weak and have been shown to be killed by everything from caterpillars to humming birds.”
  38. >W “They are also cowards and will run from almost any perceived danger.”
  39. >B “But what about the puffed cheeked assholes that seem to pop up all the time?”
  40. >W “Those are smarties and not a typical fluffy pony so will not be featured in the death battle.”
  41. >B “That’s right, we are using a typical run of the mill fluffy, nothing special about it at all.”
  42. >W “Fluffies are extremely stupid and quite often think that by covering their eyes they are hiding from whatever is scaring them.”
  43. >W “If they get flipped on their back they may not even figure out how to get back on their feet and won’t know why they aren’t moving when they walk.”
  44. >B “Wow, that’s dumb! Stupidity like that makes me wanna beat them with a bat!”
  45. >W “How right you are, since they are manmade in the human world they are often seen a unnatural and are on the receiving end of a lot of abuse.”
  46. >W “Fluffies have been exposed to many tortures both physical and mental”
  47. >W “They are also accident prone and die from the most fantastic accidents.”
  48. >B “How the hell do you kill yourself playing with blocks?”
  49. >W “The only real defense a fluffy has is it will shit when it is really scared and sometimes the stench will drive its attacker away.”
  50. >B “Really?”
  51. >W “No, the fluffy usually dies anyway, probably choking on its own feces.”
  52. >B “Well, I have a feeling this will be one sided, Let’s have a death battle!”
  53. *FIGHT!*
  54. >The fluffy pony is sitting in the middle of a field humming to itself.
  55. >It smells a flower and giggles at how the petals brush against its nose.
  56. >A shadow slowly crosses the fluffy and it looks around.
  57. >”New fwen fo fwuffy?”
  58. >It sees nothing.
  59. >It gets a stupid grin on its face and starts to truddle about.
  60. >The shadow slowly crosses it again.
  61. >The fluffy pony looks around still seeing nothing.
  62. >”Why dawk cwoss fwuffy?”
  63. >It wonders a bit more then decides to nibble on a blade of grass.
  64. >It smiles and mumbles to itself, “Nummies gud fo fwuffy.”
  65. >Suddenly a large white alicorn with multicolored mystically flowing hair lands in front of it.
  66. >She lands with enough force to shake the ground causing it to crack under her hooves.
  67. >”How dare you eat the royal grass cretin!”
  68. >The fluffy lets out a stream of shit screaming, “Ahhhh! Munsta!”
  69. >It turns and tries to run away but trips every few steps.
  70. >Streams of tears flow down its face as the alicorn princess laughs at the interloper.
  71. >Clestia lowers her head and shoots a beam from her horn severing the fluffies rear right leg.
  72. >The fluffy lets out a screech of pain as blood spurts from the wound.
  73. >”Aiiiieeeeeiiiii! Hewt! Fwuffy hewt!”
  74. >It stumbles unable to get its balance to get back up.
  75. >The fluffy covers its eyes shaking, “Pwease nuu hewt fwuffy! Wahhhhhhh!”
  76. >The princess levitates the fluffy up breaking its front legs exposing its eyes.
  77. >”Owies! OWIES! Fwuffy WEGGIES! AEEEIIIIII!! AHHHHH!!!”
  78. >The fluffy cries as the princess brings him in front of her face.
  79. >It begs for mercy from the pony princess, ”Fwuffy sowwy! Pwease… nuu hewt fwuffy no mo…”
  80. >She gets a smile on her face as she leers at the broken and bleeding fluffy.
  81. >”Shut up vermin! It is bad enough that I know my majestic grass has been defiled by you but now my royal ground has been stained by your filth!”
  82. >Her words drive fear into the fluffies heart, “Bwahhhh! Fwuffy sowwy!”
  83. >”Quiet!” The alicorn snaps.
  84. >The white alicorn looks down, “But since you wanted grass so much, let me give you some!”
  85. >The fluffy gets a small smile, “Yoo gif fwuffy nummies? Nuu hewt fwuffy no mo?”
  86. >Celestia floats up blades of grass and brings them in front of the fluffy pony.
  87. >The alicorn princess smiles, her eyes narrow, “Not quite.”
  88. >The blades of grass stiifen up and shoot into the eyes of the fluffy pony.
  89. >Its screams of pain echo through the field as the ocular fluid starts to leak.
  90. >” AHHHHHH!!!! Fwuffy eyes! Why fwuffy nuu see wite!? IIEEEEEEaahhhh!!”
  91. >Celestia shoots the fluffy to the ground.
  92. >She gets a satisfied look on her face when she hears some ribs crunch.
  93. >The fluffy quietly cries as it futilely wiggles its broken legs trying to move.
  94. >Its one good back leg kicks the ground causing pain to shoot thought it front legs.
  95. >Celestia concentrates and creates two parasprites.
  96. >They look down at the fluffy and immediately fly down and start to eat.
  97. >One of the parasprites concentrates on its severed back leg and the other flies to the fluffy’s mouth.
  98. >The one at the leg starts to voraciously eat the exposed muscle and the other starts taking bites out of the fluffy’s tongue.
  99. >It spasms and flops in a vain attempt to get away from the eating parasprites.
  100. >Celestia give a little laugh as she watches the fluffies torment.
  101. >She then teleports herself and the fluffy high into the sky.
  102. >She looks at the sun.
  103. >She teleports the fluffy to its surface where it quickly poofs into ash and smoke lost forever to the cosmos.
  104. *KO*
  105. >B “Holy fucking hell was that even necessary?”
  106. >W “There was no question who would win but how long would Celestia toy with the fluffy pony.”
  107. >B “And to be honest it was probably better this way, Celestia is one scary bitch!”
  108. >W “That’s right, from imprisoning in stone and displaying her foes in her garden to blowing a unicorn apart and cursing him to a life as a shadow.”
  109. >W “When Celestia has an option to sentence a foe to a fate worse than death she takes it.”
  110. >B “Makes me wanna do her even more.”
  111. >W “In fact Celestia is so powerful there is no reason to believe that unique strong fluffies like Howler or Stompy would fare any better.”
  112. >B “The one who should have been out there is Deadmeat!”
  113. >W “Boomstick.”
  114. >B “Plot armored motherfucker, should have been dead a long time ago! I hate that son of a bitch!”
  115. >W “Boomstick!”
  116. >B “Do a goddamn one shot! PUT A FUCKING BULLET IN HIS HEAD!”
  117. >W “Boomstick!!!”
  118. >B “Whoa! Sorry lost my head there… just like a certain fluffy pony should do…”
  119. >W “Anyway, winner of the death battle! Princess Celestia!”
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