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- "Chapters" in this 'epic saga' (pffffthahahaha) will be indicated by the parenthesized number (i.e. (1), (2), and so on) prefixing it in the pastes' titles.
- I'm literally right at the character limit so it'll be fucking interesting when I reach two-digit numbers.
- >Be human in Equestria through some vaguely-defined plot device
- >But that's not important, you're a human in a land of pastel talking ponies, shit ain't rocket science
- >Make a bit of a hubbub about Equestria through your bizarre and inexplicable difference from typical equine nature
- >Including an oddly-obsessive mint-colored pony with a harp for a Cutie Mark
- >Attention becomes so great that you find yourself a guest of the Royal Family at Canterlot Castle
- >Celestia is nice enough, tries to make you feel comfortable despite the oddity of the situation
- >Luna, however, is just a pleasantly-enigmatic being
- >Always aloof, what few times you interact are in polite company and she has an odd air of archaism to her
- >You want to get to know her more
- >She provides you the means one memorable night
- >"You're summoned", a guard tells you stiffly before turning around and walking away
- >He looks back at you as you stand there in confusion, tossing his head to indicate that you should follow him
- >Curious, you do so, finding that you are soon in a wing of the castle you had never been in
- >It doesn't take long before the trappings indicate that this is, in fact, the royal apartments
- >You both come to a door lavished with night-themed paraphernalia
- >Surely this isn't-
- >"If you do anything untoward with Her Highness, Princess Luna," the guard hisses angrily at you
- >Oh shiiiit
- >He knocks on the door
- >"Enter!" bids a commanding female voice from within
- >He cracks open the door, then nods at the threshold
- >Looks like you were supposed to go in alone
- >Well, okay then
- >You push the door open, nervously stepping in, jumping a bit as the door slams shut behind you
- >Luna herself stands proudly across the room, brilliant star-studded mane flowing in a nonexistent wind
- >You stare at one another awkwardly
- >For a few very long seconds
- >You clear your throat
- >"So, uh, not handling the night, tonight?"
- >"Our sister said that she would manage tonight," she replies, "Such that we would have an opportunity to speak with you in private."
- >"Oh"
- >You nervously bite your lip
- >"Talk about what, your Highness?"
- >"We want you," she began
- >You swallow unconsciously
- >She steps towards her massive fucking bed and flops down onto it
- >Her voice suddenly goes from commanding to sounding like an excited teenager
- >"To tell us more about human life. Oh, the questions I have wanted to ask you, there are so very many, but the opportunities have been few and far between. You are a mystery, did you know? No one knows what makes you tick. Well, I for one would like to discover more!"
- >You note she's slipped out of the monarchical plurality and into 'common' speech
- >Her smile is so innocent and open that you can't help but laugh
- >She blushes
- >"W-what are you laughing about, Anon?"
- >You hold up your hands, shaking them vigorously
- >"Oh, no, your Highness, it's not you," you say quickly. "Just that this was not what I expected... at all."
- >Her mouth twists into an adorably-confused wrinkle.
- >"W-whatever do you mean?"
- >"Just... when I first walked in, you were standing there, and that commanding voice, and-"
- >She blushes and holds a hoof up to her mouth
- >"I hope... I hope I didn't offend?"
- >Chuckling, you shake your head
- >"No, Your Highness. Pleasant surprise, that's all"
- >The easy smile returns to her face
- >"That is good to hear, Anon. And, please, for both our sakes, Luna will suffice."
- >"Luna it is. So... questions...?"
- >You trail off expectantly
- >"Ah, right!"
- >She pulls out a list
- >Damn, this was going to take all night
- >"Well, Anon, what's your world like? Climate-wise. I understand that it's quite different from Equestria..."
- >...
- >"... and that's about as much as I can tell you about cars, really. I don't understand them, myself, I get in them and they move."
- >"Very intriguing!" Luna says enthusiastically as she finishes taking a note.
- >It's been a good hour or so
- >Random topics galore
- >This was not nearly as exciting as you anticipated
- >Silence falls for a bit as the Princess absentmindedly writes a few more bits on her parchment
- >-ahem-
- >"So, uh, Luna, will that be all?"
- >She looks up, tongue between her teeth
- >"Hmmm? Yes, Anon, I think that's just about it..."
- >Sighing quietly, you turn to leave
- >"Oh, one more thing!"
- >Rolling your eyes despite yourself, you turn
- >"What do humans do for... fun?"
- >"Fun?"
- >"Yes, fun." She looks at you quizzically, one eyebrow perked. "You know, derived amusement from engaging activities?"
- >Did she think you were dense? You know what fun is
- >And right now, you're not having fun
- >Time to have some fun of your own
- >"There are many things, Luna," you say, walking towards her
- >She's completely fixated on your words, nodding
- >"The best fun, however, comes from something that both parties enjoy"
- >She's practically bobbing her head
- >Goddamn, that's cute
- >"Yes, Anon, like what?"
- >"Well, Luna," you say, not sure how far your erstwhile familiarity has grown, "There's an activity that often goes on between two friends that serves as... bonding"
- >She claps her hooves
- >"Ooooh!" she squeals excitedly. "Can you show me, Anon?"
- >Oh, HELL yes
- >"Well, maaaybe," you say hesitantly, stretching the word out in barely-feigned doubt
- >"What's wrong, Anon?" she asks concernedly. "Are we not friends? I believe we are!"
- >"It's not that, Luna," you say, "It's just that... I'm not sure it works quite the same way with ponies..."
- >You allow it to trail off, and she pounds lightly on her bed in frustration
- >"That's not fair, Anon! You have to at least try, right?"
- >Damn straight
- >"Well, it's a physical thing, and ponies aren't quite the same. For a human..."
- >You slowly reach for one of her hind legs
- >"It would involve feet, but since you just have hooves... with your permission?" you ask as your hand reaches her leg
- >Her brows draw down in utter confusion, but she waves a foreleg in assent, the other tucked under her chin as she analyzes your movements
- >"Well, it's just something that humans react to naturally"
- >You gingerly hold the leg up by the 'ankle', taking a moment to admire the beautifully-crafted diamond slipper around the tip of her hoof
- >She watches you in anticipation
- >You scrunch up your mouth as you think
- >"Does this, like, come off somehow?" you ask stupidly, pointing at the slipper
- >She nods her head slowly
- >"Of course," she quietly says, "It just sort of slides off..."
- >You reverently remove the slipper from her hoof
- >While the difference is subtle, you've spent enough time amongst Equestrians to recognize hooves a bit
- >And this one was absurdly tender, at least in appearance
- >Clearly Luna never went unshod without good reason
- >"I think I know what you're doing, Anon," Luna says, rather nervously, as your free hand slowly inches toward the soft exposed flesh of her underhoof
- >"And ponies are ticklish too-HOO-HOO-HOO!"
- >Well, turns out there's fewer differences than you thought
- >"ANON, STA-HA-HA-HAHP!"
- >Your fingers had only been dancing across the soft flesh for a few moments and already Luna was practically in tears
- >The sheets were clenched between her front hooves and held to her face as she rocked back and forth with laughter
- >Her bucking, while powerful, was nowhere near strong enough to kick you away, a fact that you took good advantage of
- >You continued to dig into the tender frog of her hoof, enjoying both the feel of the pampered skin and the musical laughter of the Princess of the Night
- >"Plehehease. PLEHEHEASE ANON!"
- >Her grin was ear-to-ear, tears rolling down her face as her eyes locked with yours, pleading, BEGGING for relief
- >"No more. No mo-ho-ho-hore OH I CAN'T DO THI-HI-HIS!"
- >She fell back in surrender onto her pillow, not even bothering trying to speak through the laughter anymore
- >You slowly ramped back your assault, as both her reactions and your enjoyment at her helplessness tapered off
- >Finally, you stop, still maintaining a firm grip on her leg
- >She pulls herself back up, looking at you with anxious expectation
- >"Are you... are you done, Anon?" she breathes, barely suppressing the hopefulness from her voice
- >You can't torment the poor Princess like this anymore
- >You nod, releasing your grip
- >She all-too-happily retreats the afflicted hoof from within your reach.
- >"Fun," she says, seeming to test the word in her mouth
- >"Yes, Anon," she finally says, nodding, "That was certainly fun. Fun that I don't want to experience again any time soon."
- >She waves at the door absently, staring at her notes blankly
- >"Go away, Anon, I need to... I need to rest."
- >Go away?
- >GO AWAY?
- >Suddenly, you found yourself deciding that her torture wasn't all that undesirable after all
- >While she's distracted, you grab the other, as-yet-unpunished hoof
- >"Anon what are y- NO."
- >Her demeanor shifts into a state of all-too-much focus as she realizes what you're doing
- >"Anon, I beg of you, no more! PLEASE!"
- >Doesn't she realize that half the fun of tickling someone who can't break free is their useless pleading?
- >You whistle as you slowly work off the slipper, bobbing your head to the tune
- >She's shaking her head uncontrollably
- >"No please Anon no please no more anything but that no please"
- >She's lapsed into a barely-restrained hysteria, not even bothering with whole sentences anymore
- >And you haven't even done anything yet
- >The slipper falls free, and the 'tip' of the hoof wiggles
- >On a real horse, it would have looked bizarre, but Equestrians have a distinctly different anatomy
- >On her it looked little different from a human foot attempting to protect itself when no other guardian was present
- >You slowly move your off-hand towards her hoof
- >"Anon. Please. Don't do this. I'll give you anything you want, name it. Just please no more of this"
- >"You know, Luna, your offer is quite appealing"
- >You stop moving towards her, and look at her
- >Her expression is overwhelmingly optimistic
- >Unfortunately for her, crushing her hopes and dreams was half the fun for you
- >"But on the other hand - hoof, whatever - I just find your laughter too goddamned cute"
- >You return to your slow approach towards her hoof
- >She groans, closing her eyes and tilting her head back
- >"What did I do to deserve this?" she asks whatever unseen force passes for God in Equestria
- >Despite yourself, you lean towards her, and she meets your gaze woefully
- >"You asked me what humans do for fun," you say evilly with a villainous smirk, before returning to the work at hand
- >>fin
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