F/GO Valentines Translation

Much Ado About Ladies' Chocolate ~Valentine 2016~
(Credit to mirrinigma on r/grandorder)

PROLOGUE: The Taste of Runaway Chocolate

- Sweet, melty, a drip of bitterness.
- Perhaps, the taste of Chocolate and Love.

Kiyohime: Ma- Su- Ta- A-? It’s Valentines’ today, Master. Of course, I, Kiyohime, have made chocolate to present to you! Although, to be precise, instead of “making” chocolate, I have “become” chocolate. After all, I became a dragon after being obsessed for a thousand years. In comparison, becoming chocolate is very, very easy... Well then! Let’s turn what had to be said to reality.

Kiyohime: Please E-a-t m-e★

Kiyohime: Oh, just so you know, I have completely become Chocolate, so I’m approximately 240,000 kilocalories! I won’t mind if you eat me slowly, in small pieces.

You awake in Chaldeas.

Master: THANK GOD IT WAS A DREAM...!

???: Oh-ho. I wonder what kind of nightmare it was that you saw? “The tiger now hath seized the gentle hind.” Was it that kind of dream?

Master: K-san was... kinda... (Refers to Kiyohime-san)

???: Oh, of course, I see. For it will soon be Valentines’.

Shakespeare: With that, HELLO, Master! The literary name that shakes the very foundations of this world, I, Shakespeare, have arrived to kill this golden slumber of yours! Oh. There is no deeper meaning. I simply needed to wake you.

Master: How rare.

Shakespeare: Of course. For it is Lady Mashu who usually comes to wake you. But as you, and I know, she is currently locked in a ferocious chocolate battle. A part of the ladies - for example, Miss Artemis has seen it fit to offer up Mr. Orion. Ms. Mata Hari, Ms. Mary Antoinette and Ms. Boudica have prepared something for everyone. Some of these are obligatory, some are proclamations of friendship.

Shakespeare: This is just my personal thoughts on the matter, but other than Ms. Boudica, the expected returns on White Day are a truly horrifying prospect. To begin with, more than half of the male servants have no reason to be receiving any chocolates, and are looking out at the world with the eyes of a Tibetan sand fox. Well, there are male servants who do not care much for it as well, so there’s that.

Shakespeare: “It (Jealousy) is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.” ... That’s about it.

Master: Will they be happy if they receive something from me?

Shakespeare: Oh! A handmade gift from the Master. It would bring great joy regardless of gender, I suppose. Servants are bodies of prana with emotions. If they were to receive chocolates, you could expect them to perform with the ferocity of a lion. Now quickly, let us descend upon the ladies’ camp, with the intent of making some of our own!

Shakespeare: Hmm. It would seem like someone is running in the corridors. As a master, it would be wise for you to watch your step.

A choco-servant runs by

Master: W-what’s going on?!

Shakespeare: W-what?! To think that the enemy would attack us right here in Chaldeas! It has escaped to the simulator room. Shall we give chase?

Master: After it!

Shakespeare: Understood! Now, Master! I shall support you - let us clean up this mess!

Battle Ensues

Shakespeare: Hmm, that was a good sweat. But what are these servants, exactly...? I had thought of them to be shadows, but their colour is... Somewhat mild. If anything-

Master: This is a... Sweet smell...

Shakespeare: Yes, that is right! What exactly are they-

???: Where? Where have they gone?

Master: Oh? The one over there who is wandering around lovably is...

Mata Hari: Oh, if it isn’t the Master. Hey, have you seen some chocolates running furiously in this direction?

Master: WannMoaPuriizu? (Tamamo speaks like this)

Mata Hari: As I said, chocolate. I don’t really know why, but the chocolates I have melted somehow came together and coagulated into a humanoid shape, before running away... What a strange occurrence. What shall we do, Master?

Shakespeare: Ohh... To think that... Chocolate could... Run... and... Escape?! In other words, we must refer to them as “CHOCO SERVANTS” from here on out!

Mata Hari: This is troubling. To think that those chocolates could do this... How mysterious. It was only magic to turn them into glittering jewels...

Master: The alchemist of unequal exchange...!!

Mata Hari: Ufufu. If you pour your love into chocolates, they largely turn out that way, you know? It’s important for you too, so do well to remember it!

Shakespeare: This seems to be turning into quite the interesting and enjoyable incident, Master! But rest assured, Master - for this sort of thing is also possible! That kind of thing is also possible! I will prepare some male servants who have the ability to sniff out chocolates at once. We shall utilize their... Popularity? Jealousy? Something to that extent... And their keen sense of smell, to take back these chocolates!

Master: ... You’re pulling the strings behind all this, aren’t you?

Shakespeare: HA HA HA! You jest, Master.... Well, if I were really the one who did it, the chocolate runaway scene would have been a lot more dramatic... and tragic. As such, I shall accompany you this time out of the goodwill of my heart. Oh, is that distrust I see in your eyes? Fufufu. Being famous is very much a good and bad thing!

You head to the rei-shift room

Dr. Roman: Ho... Kotatsus are the best on cold days.... Good. Very good indeed. This feeling of how, although there’s so much work left to be done, that someone else will definitely take care of it - this baseless sense of relief... It’s the amusement machine of dreams. This is definitely a danger to the pillars of human logic...

Shakespeare: I apologize for intruding in your moment of self-pity, Doctor who always loses the communications line at dire moments!

Dr. Roman: The piercing reality! I woke up immediately! Could you pllease stop with the insults that stab into my heart?! Hmm? What? Shakespeare? Rei-shift preparations? Runaway chocolate? Wait. Wait. No, really. What’s going on- Hey? HEYYYYYYY!

The Reishift machine engages

Dr. Roman: At least let me finish explaining what’s going onnnnnnn!

---

CHAPTER I: Chocolate is Oppression

Blackbeard: EXPLODE, REAL-LIFERS!

Blackbeard explodes

Blackbeard: GOHA?!

Master: B-Blackbeard?!

Shakespeare: Hahahah, don’t worry, Master. That’s the standard “Although that WAS a strong enemy, now there’s a new enemy and you can test your skills on this old one” kind of explosion. In any case, there is no danger to his life.

Blackbeard: YES there IS! That REALLY hurt? More like, what are you doing, Master? This would be the kind of scene where I fade into golden particles and drift away to a beautiful BGM! It’s a coast-to-coast’s worth of emotion, a coast-to-coast tearjerker!

Shakespeare: Rest assured, Mr. Blackbeard. Your part is to show up on screen and suddenly die as soon as it looks like you’ve turned to the good side. For you, who is probably about to disappear at any moment now, there isn’t any time for that kind of BGM.

Blackbeard: T-that’s terrible! How can you suddenly just blow someone up like that? To think that someone can get the drop on a pirate... Well, pirates ambush people anyways, but to get ambushed, that pisses me off!

Blackbeard: P I S S E S M E O F F ! Since I have been angered on purpose, you shall know the extent of my fury!

Shakespeare: What are you saying, Mr. Blackbeard. The one who caused your explosion was not the Master.

Blackbeard: WHAT? Then who was it?! Who was the one who blew me up? Was it one of you unworthy dogs, who thinks they can take the head of this old Blackbeard?!

Crew Member: It wasn’t us, Captain! Also there’s no way we can become the next Blackbeard.

Mephistopheles: That’s right, Mr. Blackbeard! How could you suspect someone without proof!

Blackbeard: Hmm... Yeah, that’s right. I’m sorry, everyone, You too, Mephistopheles- No, wait. Why the hell are you on my ship?!

Mephistopheles: Ha. Well, you said “EXPLODE!”, that means an exploding kind of servant like me has to show up, right? To begin with, if you tell someone to not do something, to DEFINITELY not do something, they’ll eventually do it and kill someone, right?

Blackbeard: Hey, you’re the goddamn culprit!

Shakespeare: By the way, Mr. Blackbeard. Are you not hiding some chocolates? For some reason, I smell a waft of cacao floating past me...

Blackbeard: Chocolate...? G

Blackbeard: I’m n-not hiding anything! U

Blackbeard: I’m definitely L

Blackbeard: Innocent! P

Master: Alright, you’re getting arrested. You’re not entitled to a lawyer.

Blackbeard: What?! I have no rights?? Even so, this Blackbeard will not be done in that easily! Now that it’s come to this, I shall show you my true power! VIOLENCE = FREEDOM! That’s the life of the Voyager of the Seas!

Mephistopheles: Oh? Oh? A fight? A fight, right? Then I’ll join in as well. What? Don’t do it? Don’t do it, you say? That’s just pouring oil on the fire! Ihihihihi! Oh, it pains my heart to fight against the Master! To begin with, Valentines is the day where real-lifers explode! It’s also called Exploding death retribution city HARAJUKU, yes? This Mephistopheles will join you in this event! How exciting!

Battle Ensues

Blackbeard: GUHA!

Master: HIGEKURO! (It’s blackbeard backwards)

Blackbeard: To think that the Master would refer to me in such a heartless way! I can’t fight seriously... But no, this Blackbeard can still go on... SE-SENSEI! Now that it has come to this, I leave it to you, SENSEI! GRANT UNTO THIS REAL LIFER DIVINE RETRIBUTION!

Shakespeare: Ho, is the real fight with Mr. Hector? Although, no matter how you look at it, he would belong to the popular group...

Spartacus: CHOCOLATE IS OPPRESSION.

Master: Don’t fuck with me! What kind of joke is this?!

Blackbeard: FUHAHAHAH! That’s right! Valentine’s Day is the ULTIMATE OPPRESSION! It is the day in which Spartacus-Sensei is THE MOST EXCITED! To put all your feelings into the chocolate? A day important for maidens? THE COFFEE BOILS IN MY STOMACH! THERE’S NO SUGAR! IT’S ALL OPPRESION! OPPRESSIONNNNNNNNN!

Master: Well, you were kind of a no-good NEET to begin with, so...

Shakespeare: Hmm. It seems like snapping is a regular occurrence every Valentine’s Day. Truly, there is no greater entertainment. It is something like that one line “I will be brief: your noble son is mad.”

Blackbeard: Generally, to stuff someone with candy whether they like it or not, it’s evil! Don’t you think so, Master?!

Master: There’s no evil or perversions in love.

Blackbeard: SOUND REASONING BEAAAAAAAM?! Kuh, as expected of the Master, there’s nothing much I can say to that... I’ve always thought that it was a good thing to be summoned by the Master, but I just can’t agree with you on that one point. With that said, Spartacus Sensei! THIS MASTER IS AN OPPRESSOR!

Spartacus: Then, let us rebel against that oppression. Master, I shall protect and receive those chocolates in your stead...!

Shakespeare: Well then! I shall assist you as well! Other than myself, all these other servants are strong!

Battle Ensues

Spartacus: The rebellion was a.... Failure, guh. Well then Master... Only oppress... Sparingly...

Spartacus fades into Prana

Blackbeard: Year 3 Group B ASSEI SENSEIIIIIII! My desires have been crushed!! And to think that I had painstakingly crafted the choco-servants into Mashu-chan, Euryale-chan, Atalante-chan, Artemis-chan, Mata-hari-chan, Boudica-chan, Kiyohime-cha... Is a little scary, so I’ll leave her out, but I’ve also added tons of other details... And many, many other things, I was looking forward to it...!

Master: Drake-san, it’s this guy!

Shakespeare: Hmm... Master, I have counted the Choco Servants, but there still aren’t enough. It seems like some others have stolen choco-servants as well! It has become interesting, truly!

Master: Are you SURE you aren’t the one behind this?!

Shakespeare: ......................... Yes! What is it, Master? Has that deep “...” of mine given you suspicion? Oh, you must stop this strange, metaphysical way of thinking - for I am a purist.

Blackbeard: Fu... Fufufu. You think you’ve won with this? This Blackbeard, one of the Four Heavenly Kings... Can still fight back with my distinctive smell of sweat!

Master: THANK YOU FOR YOUR DISGUSTING ONE LINER!

Blackbeard: Well, this Blackbeard is done here! I will now perform my blasting-off and fading away into the sky routine!

Mephistopheles: Well then, Mr. Blackbeard. Have an explosion, ufu.

Blackbeard: Oh, Mephistopheles. Thank you for the offer.

Blackbeard: .................................. NO ACTUALLY I DON’T NEE-

Explosion ensues

Blackbeard: DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ITTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Blackbeard flies into the atmosphere

Blackbeard: Chocolate is... Oppression...

Shakespeare: When you have the blue sky as a backdrop, it feels like you can only say good likes, Master.

Master: Is that so...

---

CHAPTER II: Of Mothers, Trouble with Women, and Chocolate

Emiya: ......

Master: ......

Emiya: Wait, Master. I understand how you feel. But please, listen to me. Due to my unique circumstances, I know the intricacies of modern events such as Valentine’s very well. As such, don’t you think it is only right that I take the precautions to remove any risks and troubles that this event may bring you?

Shakespeare: As expected of the famous over-protective servant in Chaldeas. Although your motives are understood, the specifics to your argument are questionable...

Emiya: I’d like to say something about that “over-protectiveness” claim... but for now, that is fine. Master, those giving you chocolates are not just human. Yes - they are servants, heroic spirits of the past, you know? Compared to normal people, they are somewhat warped in the head, to a certain extent. Physical abilities, mental ability, skills, berserking... it is all at a stage where they are right at the top. If you accept chocolates from those girls.... It won’t just end like this. I will say it plainly - it will be a terrible situation. It’s unmistakably a game over! To prevent their master from walking amongst the field of landmines is the sworn duty of their servant- No, of one who has a caring heart towards their friends. I know this, master. For I have troubles with women!

Shakespeare: As expected, this servant is far too over-protective.

Emiya: Mu. So you do not believe what I say. I thought that this would happen, and as such I invited a guest to come along...
Shakespeare: Hmm. A guest. One who has encountered countless troubles because of women. In other words...

Diarmuid: CHOCOLATES ARE DANGEROUS, MASTER!!

Master: T-TOO CONVINCING!!

Shakespeare: As expected.

Diarmuid: And that is true! For I have seen it before me, in a certain grail war! Of how they fought, right in front of me! At the very least, I would like to stop it before it breaks out into violence... For if it becomes a fight where they lash at each other with daggers known as words, while smiling, it would be impossible to stop! You’ll get stomach ulcers! Master, Chocolates are dangerous. They lead people astray...!

Emiya: Thank you, Mr. Beautiful warrior. Thank for your lecture from the depths of your heart. Now then. As you can see from the earlier comments, please listen and stop right now. Master, please do not forget that the future of humanity depends on you.

Master: But it seems like you guys are only like this because you didn’t get any chocolates...

Emiya: I see. It seems like words will only do so much. We will have to stop you by force. To save hundreds by killing one - it’s not something I like, but this time I believe in that absolute form of justice!

Diarmuid: That’s right, Archer I haven’t seen before! For an Archer class, our views sure match! And Master... Even if I have to turn my blade against you, this Diarmuid will bleed for your sake! That way, the damage will surely be minimized!

Shakespeare: HAHAHA! Of course it has come to this! Very well. Master, let’s take care of this!

Battle Ensues

Emiya: Kuh... It seems like this is the end of the line...

Shakespeare: Your thoughts are noble, but there are some evils mixed within it. For that is one of the reasons for your loss.

Emiya: Actually, I don’t really understand what you mean...

Master: What do you mean?

Shakespeare: If Mr. Emiya wills it, he can easily make chocolate himself. Had the Master does not receive chocolate from anyone, that in itself would have been a bad thing - in such a case, he would then have been able to say say “Are you dissatisfied if it is from your guardian?” and give the Master chocolate right before the event ends. That was his intent from the very beginning, to prevent such a tragedy from occurring...

Emiya: The pain of those who have received nothing... To a certain extent, I understand that pain... Although it was from materials I scavenged, that would have been better than receiving nothing...

Master: YAY! CHOCOLATE!

Emiya: I see. If you are happy, I am happy too. It seems like I have done something unnecessary, haha.

Shakespeare: ... I’ve been wanting to ask, Mr. Emiya. Do you know that red saber over there?

Emiya: Red Saber? I don’t recall inviting them-

???: IT IS I!

Caesar appears.

Caesar: IT IS I!

Emiya: Are you sure you are not saying it twice just to fit into a stereotype, Red Saber...? Are you going to say something like “I was the culprit all along!” or “I planned everything!” and just carry on like that as the conveniently-placed servant? (Caesar did the XMAS thing)

Caesar: I had no choice, mogu mogu.

Caesar is chewing on chocolate

Caesar: Chocolates are the treasure trove of calories, mogu. When we speak of Calories, in otherwords - myself, mogu. No... Originally, there was a chance that that Empress of destruction (Attila) would show up... But she went “Chocolates are culture... Wait. Not culture...?”And as she thought of it, she decided to go make some instead. I had prepared a speech in response, but she just launched a beam at me without saying anything else, that woman!

Master: As expected, might is right...

Caesar: No more violence! We should make that a slogan in Chaldeas. Well, this time it feels like I move as a mere pawn of the true culprit, but I shall accept this sweet taste!

Master: The Culprit?

Caesar: That’s right, the CULPRIT! If you think about it, for someone famous like me, you could just shove all the blame on me and call it a day, can’t you? Well, servants like that have been showing up recently.

Shakespeare: Oh, I see. You mean... That person. With the melancholic face, who goes “I thought it would be a good idea...” and then does what they want. “That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain”, I’m sure.

Caesar: Well, if you get it, go after him! I would like to indulge in this poisonous taste of cacao for a little longer! Umu. Sweet. This is sweet poison!

Master: Any more calories and it’ll be dangerous!

Caesar: Mogumogumogmogumogu... I know, I know, But I can’t stop! WELL, Emiya, Diarmuid! Let’s go! Let us show them the power of the three Knight classes!

Emiya: Wait. Why am I involved in this?!

Diarmuid: As I said, Chocolates are dangerous, Master!

Battle ensues

Caesar: I’ve lost, I’ve lost! It’s my loss! But... With this, I’ve burnt some calories, right?

Emiya: It’s not like as if the body shape of a servant would change... Well, even if it were some sort of servant skill, this alone wouldn’t be enough to serve as a diet. You require a disciplined lifestyle with a fair amount of exercise and intake. That is how you would first achieve a healthy diet. Fuu. Since we’re already here, I shall correct that unhealthy body of yours.

Caesar: Eh? Wait. Why are you holding my hand?

Emiya: Fuyuki Citizen Burning Marathon Mode, I’ll have you join in as well! READY?! RUN!

Caesar: RUN? But I don’t WANT TO RUN! Oh, this sudden force! I can’t say anything to it! But wait... Being fit doesn’t suit my image... Oh, I’m burning! MY FATS ARE BURNING!! It hurts! It hurts! Help me, Diarmuid-kun! AT LEAST HAVE A TANK READYYYYYYYYYYY!

Diarmuid: Friendship amongst men... How wonderful! Very well! I shall join the both of you!

Caesar: Diarmuid, not you tooooooooo!

Master: Now would be a good time for a good quote...

Shakespeare: It’s alright - I have penned for the real challenge to come after Caesar’s death. That is how the story unfolds. With that being said, we still don’t have enough chocolates. The culprit that caesar mentioned earlier... Does it not bother you? But impatience is unbecoming. Let us end today’s efforts with this!

---

Chapter III: That’s also me

Paracelsus: Oh, what a terrible thing. It is saddening, but everything was planned by me...

Master: I already knew that.

Paracelsus: As expected of my master... Your powers of observation are truly moving.

Shakespeare: And we’re here... Although Caesar incites people with his words, Mr. Hohenheim incites people with this attitude. Be careful, master. Magicians are like an author’s deadlines. If you believe in them, you’re in for a it! In my case, having a manuscript ready on Friday evening means to hand it in on Monday morning! Depending on the situation, Monday night is fine too!

Master: I see! They cannot be trusted at all!

Paracelsus: Well, please wait and listen to what I have to say first. Master, what exactly is a chocolate? Yes, it is a candy made from cacao. Sugar is added to make it sweet - it is a fattening and high-calorie sweet... And now, In Chaldeas, there are many female servants. If they were all to give you their chocolates, and you were to eat them all, that would definitely be not good for your health, master. But - if I were just to destroy the chocolates, they would certainly make them again... Although, if I did that, I would probably die, physically speaking.

Master: I know, right?

Paracelsus: But then, this war of chocolates... We cannot let this Holy Sweet War happen.To keep the world in a lasting, silent peace... It was then that I thought of a good idea. Yes - if the ingredients for chocolate themselves were to vanish, it would be a good thing.

Shakespeare: I see! Such is the supreme logic!

Master: Isn’t that terrorism?!

Paracelsus: For a magician like myself, utilizing magecraft like those of the fabled mages would not be beyond me... Well. If that was what was required to grant the wishes of a girl, then I think it was a good thing.

Master: A girl?

Paracelsus: I apologize, I have said too much. Although I serve you, I have no regrets. I would do the same thing no matter how many times this happens. With this, you understand. My views and yours were never on the same wavelength. As such, there is only one thing left to do - with this Paracelsus’s sword... I will convince (brainwash) you.

Master: Did you say brainwash?

Paracelsus: That.... it is sad - you must have misheard me. For cooking has always been the mixing of things, and the mixing of things is the origins of alchemy. As such, I have a say in chocolate-making too. I will show you the righteousness of my plans through combat!

Battle ensues

Paracelsus: ... I have lost... But, I am sad... For the master to unwittingly wander into the depths of hell...

Master: It’s alright. I’ll be fine.

Paracelsus: And then... To think of you having to eat that “idol’s” chocolate... It pains my heart.

Master: Oh-

Shakespeare: Master... You have not forgotten in your quest for chocolate, have you? For there is an idol in this world who, no matter what she uses, will make any and all ingredients terribly inedible...! No... If we look at the matter, most servants have very little knowledge of cooking... And for many of them, this is the first time they would be cooking... It would be wise to ask Ms. Da vinci for some stomach medicine!

Paracelsus: If such a time would come to pass... Please drink this... It is made of divine medicines of the past... And will protect your stomach...

Master: Thank you!

Paracelsus: But... You will lose all sense of taste. With that, I bid you farewell, master. Please, do not ruin a little girl’s dreams.

Paracelsus fades away into prana

Shakespeare: The dreams of a little girl, no? Frightfully so - the strongest but yet most fragile thing in this world. To desire eternity, to desire peace, That is a world of violence and unbridled savagery. But that can be said a hundred-fold - we should strive to not break such dreams!

Master: Are you having fun?

Shakespeare: Oh, of course! Such motivations, it takes away the power from my arms. It is a most fitting tale. I shall put all of my efforts into performing as the role of your buddy! With that said, although Paracelsus had vanished without a trace without saying anything of the young girl, we are now left with a desire for clues as to where to go next. Oh? Master, would you look at this... This... is a doll. And a rather large... Candy, with a picture book. Picture book?

Master: In other words...

Shakespeare: The culprit will be revealed! After these messages from our sponsors!

Master: It’s tomorrow!

---

Chapter IV: As Black, and as Sweet, as the Devil

You see your room decorated in Halloween items

Master: H-happy Halloween?!

Nursery Rhyme: Oh! Hello, Master! I’m sorry, it’s a mess, isn’t it? But I was having so much fun having tea parties with the choco-servants, and this room was the most well-decorated...

Shakespeare: Oh, what nostalgic decorations.

Rhyme: Yes, it’s always shiny and fun! Right, uncle Shakespeare?

Shakespeare: To be called “Uncle” by such younglings... The feeling of “Ha! I have aged!” is simply unbearable, isn’t it, Master! Well, with that being said, we are here for those choco-servants. Please give them back.

Rhyme: ? Why?

Shakespeare: For they are made of the chocolates that the female servants have made - a lifeform based on Valentine’s chocolates. If they are not returned, the servants would be unable to make any chocolates, little miss.

Rhyme: That’s no good! I won’t be able to take it! I want to have a happy tea time here with them! There are many many nice people in Chaldeas, but no one would have tea with me! Jack always suddenly disappears into the middle of the party, and Andersen always writes bad ends! To think that I had finally asked that red person for good red tea... Yes, yes! I have worked very hard for this! I will not hand these children over to you! Please also lend this room to me. It’s alright. Master should just go sleep in Mashu’s room after all!

Shakespeare: Oh... My master, we have reached this part of the journey! For a child’s love is different from that of love between men and women. It is almost a racial difference in the kind of emotions portrayed. Well then. What shall we do?

Master: I’ll have tea with you, so...

Rhyme: Oh? Really? If Master says so... Alright then, if you join me for tea, I will think about it...

You decide to have tea with Rhyme.

Rhyme: Well then, let us begin our tea party! The important thing is sweets, tea, and picture books! Have some sweets as you elegantly drink red tea... Then let’s read picture books!

Shakespeare: M-master, although I do write happy ends from time to time... In this sort of fairy-tale world, I am very tempted to start writing bad ends...

Master: No, that’s not good. Let’s not do that.

Shakespeare: Oh, that’s dangerous, Master. Now I’m REALLY itching to write bad ends...! Ugh! Be still, my right hand!

Rhyme: Haa. Adults have it hard. Why do people become adults, then? to be able to have sweets and tea... It’s so happy!

Master: Ugh! Something is wrong...!

Rhyme: If you come to Alice’s tea party, everyone forgets their names. That’s good, though? But... it would be difficult to go on forever. Maybe at least until the end of Valentine’s!

Master: T-THE CHOCOLATE... (You can’t grind if you’re stuck here)

Rhyme: Ufufu. That can’t be helped. With this, you don’t have to have any chocolates, and can just have fun with me at this tea party. Everyone gets a happy end! TANOSHIIWA! TANOSHIIWA!!

Master: S-SHAKESPEARE...!

Shakespeare: Oh! for even if I have forgotten my own name, you can remind me of it! Oh ho, you are indeed a first grade Master!

Rhyme: Don’t just suddenly stand up! You’ll spill the tea!

Shakespeare: Oh, I do apologize. But this Valentine’s event... to miss out on it - is not my concern, but that of my master’s (Shakespeare refers to you by name, hence breaking the effect) Do you understand, master? I will now illustrate the truth of what would happen to the participants of this tea party if they were to go on forever, as a neutral third party.

Shakespeare: “From this day until the end of Valentine’s, you will only spend a loving time with Nursery Rhyme (Alice) here! Away from the eyes of the other female servants!!”

Mashu: Senpai, you are the worst.

Master: I-I’ll be killed!

Shakespeare: Ho ho, it seems like you’ve finally woken up, Master! Yes. It seems like everything ends in “violence”. It is sad but natural - just as water flows from a high place to a lower plain, and as birds fly in the sky. Yes. It is inevitable - that which ends in an inevitable bad end. If this goes on, it won’t only be you, but the young girl before you will face a bad end as well.

Master: Rhyme will face a bad end as well?

Shakespeare: Fufufu. Everything will be revealed after the fight. Let us save her, Master!

Rhyme: Fu! So you want to fight! Your’e a terrible person! I don’t care anymore! Onee-san only talks about difficult things! Uncle Shakespeare too, you should just get eaten by the headhunting bunny!

Battle ensues

Rhyme: You’re terrible! you’re terrible! Violence hurts!

Shakespeare: With this, it ends.

Rhyme: No! even so I won’t hand over the choco-servants!

Shakespeare: Fufufu, Then this Shakespeare will grant unto you the cruel reality of TRUTH!

Threatening BGM plays

Shakespeare: Listen well, young girl. Tea parties are fun. With sugary red tea, sugary sweets and sugary chocolate - perhaps that is the embrace of the sweetest pleasure. But - regrettably, there is no such thing as eternal pleasure. Just as the colour of the seasons fade, and how summer will one day turn into winter, a price must be paid for eternal pleasure. “When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.” - Yes, there is a price for it.

Rhyme: W-what? I don’t understand... Ouch! It hurts...

Shakespeare: Yes. Sweets, sweet red tea - the price for it... You will... Become a toothache.

Rhyme: Kyaa?!

Shakespeare: A toothache in the period where the dental sciences have not been established is truly hellish - or so I have heard! It is difficult, it is painful!

Rhyme: H-h-hell? ... What, what is that? But no, I’m a servant...

Shakespeare: If you are having actual sweets, it probably would not lead to a toothache... But if a servant eats sweets that a servant created, what would happen...?

Rhyme: I-it’s just overthinking! My tooth doesn’t hurt. It isn’t tingly. It isn’t feeling all weird... IT DOESN’T HURT WHEN I DRINK TEA AT ALL!

Master: S-she’s become quite pitiable...

Shakespeare: NOW THEN! For the FINAL STROKE! SUMMON! CHALDEAS’ NUMBER 1 DENTIST!

SUMMONING BGM PLAYS
-> IT’S MOTHERFUCKING BROCK

Rhyme: E-eh? Eh...?!

Fergus: OSU!!

Rhyme: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!?!

Master: THIS IS THE D-DENTIST?!

Fergus: Well now. Where is the patient? Hoho, is it this cute little miss here...? I see. Well, open wide... Oh, you can raise your hand if it hurts? (But I won’t say that it won’t hurt)

Rhyme: Hyyyuuuu! It’s like the s-smile of the guardian of H-hell!!

Fergus: Rest assured, little miss. This DENTAL_DRILL (CALADBOLG), when faced with any kind of toothache...

Fergus: WILL CRUSH IT INTO SMITHEREENS WITH ONE BLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Caladbolg shining.bgm

Rhyme: KYAAAAAAAHHHHHH! HELP ME TOOTH FAIRRRRRRYYYYYYY!!

Rhyme runs away

Shakespeare: Fu. With this, it is settled! Thank you, Mr. Fergus. You may return home now.

Fergus: Umu. It does not feel good threatening the little miss, but injustice must not go unpunished. If my sword that spins around the earth and heavens can be of use, I would gladly take on the role of the villian! WA HA HA!

Fergus jumps away

Shakespeare: See? Did we not completely avoid the bad end?

Master: She probably be affected by this terrible trauma for a long time...

Shakespeare: All’s well that ends well! With this, we have recovered most of the chocolates. We may still be missing a bit, but you may gather the rest of them at a relaxed pace from now on. With this, the female servants (and some of the male servants) can once again begin their chocolate-making process. I am sure they will be glad - that the master can receive their gifts at last. I have also created an anthology for these Valentine’s day happenings.

Master: A script...?

Shakespeare: Don’t worry about it, master! Even servants need to take some off days sometimes! Well, you don’t have time to be caring about me, Master. An infinite number of chocolates is waiting for you, Master! Fufufu...

Shakespeare: “To be, or not to be... That is the question!” Verily so!

---

Chapter V: As the Chocolate Melts in the Warmth of the Sun

Filled with emotions of gratitude.
On a special day, for a special someone.
Even if, to them, it is not very special.
Even if, to them, it is a mundane thing.
These thoughts must reach their destination no matter what.
Well then, in this tea-coloured sweet, my true emotions are placed.
Please, accept it...

Mashu: Aaaannnd we're done. The chocolate has been safely completed.... Senpai has probably received a lot of chocolates - that's a good thing. I'm not sure if Senpai will even notice my chocolate. The packaging and whatnot, it's a little normal, isn't it...?

Fou: Fou, Fou.

Mashu: Thank you for the encouragement, Fou-san. Now, let us go and give this to Senpai.

Mashu walks to your room

Mashu: I've sent a letter before this, so Senpai should be in their room...

Knocking

Mashu: Senpai? Senpai, are you there? ... This is strange. There's no answer. Let's check the exit records just in case... No exits recorded from this room. If that's the case... Could it be? Just like Christmas-

Mashu transforms

Mashu: EMERGENCY TRANSFORM!

Fou: Fou!?

Mashu: We're charging in! Back me up, Fou-san!

Fou: FouFou!?

Mashu: Senpai.... No, Master! Are you alright!? Eh...? Wasn't this Senpai's room that I just entered...?

Stheno: Ufufufu. Welcome, dear guest. Indeed, I welcome your violent arrival, Mashu.

Euryale: It's just as Stheno thought, Demi-Servant. But that's a little disappointing... If you had been just one minute late, I would have been able to punish Medusa.

Medusa: I thank you for your punctuality from the bottom of my heart, Mashu...

Mashu: W-what's this all about?

Stheno: Oh, do you not understand? Valentine's is an important event for women - And of course, for you too. So, we can't just let it pass that easily, can we? A special day warrants a special event, as such -

Euryale: Yes! And so we have to heat it up to the next level! You must overcome many trials and tribulations to hand over your chocolate - it's sure to improve the bond between Master and Servant! You know, it's that. The hanging bridge concept. It's important to balance Tsun and Dere, right?

Medusa: Ah... Yes. Of course, Older Sister, Second Older Sister. Also, my deepest apologies, Mashu. These two are always like that... You know.

Stheno and Euryale: deathface I CAN HEAR YOU, MEDUSA? WE CAN HEAR YOU, MEDUSA!

Medusa: I'm sorry, I'm sorry my sisterssss! (She says oneesamaaaa-SU) Eh.... So I'm really sorry but you'll have to beat us if you want to continue!

Mashu: I see. So that's how it is. I understand. I accept this trial! Special trials are befitting of a special event... I accept that there is righteousness in those words! And... There is no other day to express these feelings of gratitude towards Senpai, other than today!

Battle ensues

Stheno And Euryale: EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeehhhhhhhh?! They both fly away

Medusa: ... What a heartful attack! Such force, easily a hundred times more than that of my sisters! It is our complete loss, Mashu. Thank you for your hard work.

Mashu: T-thank you! Also... Medusa-san, please keep working hard!

Fou: Fou!

Mashu: Well then... Who is the next trial target?

Fou: Fou?

Mashu: Well, see, at the rate it's going, there should be a second, and third trial... That's what I feel - if there's a second there should be a third anyway!

Mashu is now outside a castle.

Jack: Oh, it's Mashu.

Mashu: J-Jack san!?

Jack: It's training! Gimme the chocolate!

Mashu: But, but this is...

Jack: GimmeGimmeGimmeGimmeGimmeGimmeGimmeGimmeGimmeGimme! (Choudai sounds like CHO-DIE)

Fou: Fou!?

Mashu: That rage-filled chanting... Even Fou is afraid! Actually, I'm afraid too! But, this chocolate alone, I can never hand over! If you really want something... Go over to Dr. Romani, Jack-san!

Jack: Eh, you're a meanie! A meanie! T h e n... TRICK OR DIE!

Mashu: That's an event that has happened more than three months ago! Please understand that the new year has started already!

Battle Ensues

Jack: Uwah! Mashu is a meanie! I only wanted some sweets!

Mashu: ... I'll give you some sweets later, so please, let me go for now, Jack-san...

Jack: Really? Yay! You pass the trial!

Fou: Fou!

Mashu: That's great. About the sweets... Are sesame buns alright?

Jack: Ehh.... I don't like that kind of snack, it's what old men would eat...

Mashu: ... Somewhere far away, it feels like the Doctor is coughing up blood. Maybe it's just my imagination.

Fou: FouFou.

Kiyohime: IT'S A TRIAL! (Umineko/10)

Mashu: Kuh... To come this far - I could see it coming, but as I thought, it was you, Kiyohime-san!

Kiyohime: Yes, It is I, Kiyohime, the one who is comical, yet lovely, fanning the flames of this event.... No wait, this isn't a comedy at all! Pure love, SERIOUS, SUSPENSE! That's what it should have been!

Fou: Fou...? Fou... Ra? (Fou is so confused, it made a new sound)

Mashu: Fou-san says that they don't need any horror in this event... I will accept this trial with all my might. Now then -

Kiyohime: Well, please wait, Mashu-san... What do you think of my husband (Master)?

Mashu: Yes! They are the senpai I respect more than anyone else! It is an honour to be their servant!

Kiyohime: No, it's not that. I mean, you know. Be more straightforward. What about love and all that? Do you not wish to be tied together?

Mashu: Hmm? What does that mean?

Explanations ensue

Kiyohime: ... I understand. I do not see any lies in your words. But that is that, and this is this. At the end of the trials are my flames... Accept them!

Mashu: Understood! I will protect this Chocolate...!

Battle ensues

Kiyohime: Fuu, I've lost. Is the chocolate alright?

Mashu: Yes!

Kiyohime: Well then, run along now. That person is waiting for you.

Mashu: Thank you, Kiyohime-san!

Mashu is now back at Chaldeas

Mashu: ... Senpai, Senpai, Senpai

The door opens

Mashu: Huu.. Haa... Haa.. Cough, cough. Good morning! It is valentine's, Senpai! Oh, I'm sorry for yelling. I don't really know why, but I'm in a really high tension state right now. A-anyway, I've heard that today was the day for expressing one's daily gratitude by handing over chocolate. As such, here. It is a small gift, but I hope that it aids with your daily intake of nutritions. Eh? Why am I equipped for battle? Well... Da Vinci-chan taught me a lot before this, and... To get into it, I transformed to make the chocolate or something along the lines of that... Anyway, H-happy Valentines! Thank you for everything up until now... And please take care of me from now on, too!