heart

He won't leave.

Nine times now. I've died, I've done terrible things to myself. Punished myself because I wasn't good enough. Because I couldn't let go. And he still won't leave. He still keeps coming back. I don't understand. This needs to stop, because...

Because...

Because... this is the most coherent I've been in a long time. This is the first time I've felt anything since... since I can't remember. How long have I been gone? It's like I actually did die, for real, and came back... because this guy wouldn't give up.

I can't remember what emotions feel like anymore, but I'm feeling them. This isn't annoyance, I don't think. I don't know what this is. I feel like I want to be... closer. I feel like I don't want him to leave me ever again. This is what having someone to hold on for is like. It's something I haven't had since sister left me...

Maybe I shouldn't care. She knew. She knew doing that would utterly destroy me. And I still wonder if she only wanted to watch me suffer. But I still wonder if she's doing okay. I wish I could let go.

But maybe...

Maybe, I'll just lean on his shoulder for a while.