help me

[pans over a live-action houses]
Narrator: And now, direct from Encino, America's favorite pirate and president of the Jace Beleren fan club, Vraska the Pirate. [The exterior of Vraska's house is shown. The name "Vraska" appears. Inside, Vraska is wrapping presents]
Vraska: [to the tune of "Jingle Bells"] Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, yo ho ho ho ho ho. [She notices she's on air] Oh! Hi. [he waves] I'm Vraska the Pirate, president of the Jace Beleren fan club! [She notices a long piece of confetti on her hook and tries to shake it off. She pulls on it and whacks herself in the eye, giving her a black eye. She switches her patch over to the other eye] Hey, that's better! [Huatli, a puppet dinosaur on strings, flies in]
Huatli: [squawk] Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Vraska: That's right, Huatli! It is Christmas. [She limps over to the fireplace] And there ain't nothing better in the seven seas than a Ravnica Christmas. It sure is a magical time of year. [he blows on his pipe, and bubbles emerge] Why, I'll bet the Gatewatch is gearing up for Santa Claus right now! [He picks up a picture of Chandra. Cuts to Chandra, holding a remote]
Chandra: We sure are! [She presses a button on the remote. A large chimney rises from the ground next to Jace’s library, and a gigantic funnel pops out of it with the words "Welcome Santa" in neon letters] I'm ready! [Vraska laughs]
Vraska: Not bad for a creature with too much fire. [she puts down Chandra's picture] And I'm sure our pal Nissa is doing her share of the decorating. [She picks up a picture of Nissa. Cuts to Nissa standing by her trees with a dopey smile on her face. Zooms out to reveal a single Christmas ball hanging from the antenna on top of a hydra. It snaps off and hits the ground, and Nissa does as well. Now, Vraska is mixing cookie dough] I too am also preparing for Christmas. [She lifts up the mixer] Hmm, unbaked cookie dough! [She takes a lick] Mmm...
Huatli: [squawk] Huatli want cookie dough! [She flies over, squawking] Cookie! [Vraska ducks]
Vraska: Huatli! No! [Huatli flies back and forth]
Huatli: Cookie! [squawk]
Vraska: Get out of here!
Huatli: Cookie!
Vraska: Huatli!
Huatli: [squawk] Give us a lick!
Vraska: Back off, you flying freak! [Huatli flies on the counter]
Huatli: [squawk] Clarify please.
Vraska: [the cookies are shaped like Chandra and Nissa] This here cookie dough is for the children, not for pesky raptors. [Cuts to Hans reaching over and ringing a bell. Vraska looks out the window] What's that? Three bells! Well, we all know what three bells means!
Children: [off-screen] Free ice cream! [Vraska laughs]
Vraska: No, you silly livers! [sternly] No!
Huatli: [squawk] Man overboard? [Vraska walks over to a desk]
Vraska: You, I'm ignoring. [She sits down] No, it means it's time to open fan letters! [Huatli flies over with a letter in her beak]
Huatli: [squawk] Here you go! [Vraska tugs at it]
Vraska: Thank you, Huatli. [Huatli is not letting go] Yeah. Okay Huatli, thank you! [Huatli squawks, still not letting go] Come on, give it, you birdbrain! [Huatli squawks some more] Quiet, infernal dinosair! [She uses his hook, now with a pair of scissors on the end, to snip Huatli's rope. Huatli squawks and falls to the ground. Vraska nods] Hmm. [She sits back down] This letter comes to us from...
Fish Head: [as voiceover] Name and address withheld! [Vraska tears the envelope open, pieces of it flying all over. She pulls up her eye patch and replaces it with a pair of reading glasses with one eye covered up]
Vraska: And she writes, "Dear Gatewatch, I am ten years old, and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours..."
Fish Head: [as voiceover] Name and address withheld! [Vraska gets up and takes off her glasses. Now her eye patch is back on]
Vraska: A very good question. But you know they didn't always celebrate Christmas in Ravnica.
Huatli: [squawk] They didn't?
Vraska: No sir, my fine feathered little neck pain. [She pulls down Huatli's strings. Huatli, as well as her puppeteer, falls to the ground. Vraska hangs a homemade Chandra ornament on a Christmas tree. Zooms out, showing the entire tree, which is decorated with many similar Gatewatch ornaments, and a few gift boxes] There was a time when no one had even heard of Christmas in Ravnica. [She snaps her fingers] Hey! Who wants to hear the story of the Gatewatch’s very first Christmas? [Cuts to Huatli, who looks very drowsy and with bloodshot eyes. Vraska turns around] Huatli?! [She sees an empty bowl of cookie dough, accompanied by a foghorn noise] You ate all me cookie dough! [Huatli is now incredibly fat. The whole lower half of her body, along with her strings, fall off, leaving only her head]
Huatli: Squ-ouch! [Vraska shrugs]
Vraska: Oh well! On with the show!
[Chandra is shown waiting on a hill near Gideon's treedome]
Chandra: [laughs] Today, I'm gonna sneak up and get that Gideon with a super sneaky karate move. [practices karate]
Chandra: What diabolical act is he committing now? [Gideon plugs in Christmas lights outside and Chandra freaks out] Fire! Don't worry, Gideon, I'm coming! Stand back, Gideon, fire! [rushes inside and instead of putting out tree with pyromancy, lights Gideon on fire] Huh? So I guess there's no fire?
Gideon: What in the name of Theros is wrong with you, Chandra? Have you never seen a Christmas tree before?
Chandra: Christmas who?
Gideon: What?! You’ve never heard of Christmas?
Chandra: Is she a friend from Theros?
Gideon: [laughs] No. I can't believe you haven't heard of... [makes an adorable face] ...Christmas.
Chandra: Tell me more about this... [imitates Gideon] ..."Christmas."
Vraska: And so, Gideon wove the magical tale of gumdrops and pennywhistles. He told of toy-making elves and flying reindeer. But best of all, he told of the one they call, Santa Claus.
[At Krusty Krab]
Chandra: And everyone pretends to like the fruitcake.
Jace: Yawn.
Chandra: But the best part is you can write a letter to this guy, Santa Claus, and tell him what you want, and when he comes he brings it to you.
Nissa: Just like a genie. (laughs)
Liliana: I dunno about you, but any person who's giving away free stuff, is a friend of mine.
Chandra: That's the spirit, Liliana. [grabs a piece of paper] Here you go! You can get started on your letter.
Jace: I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.
Nissa: Like a genie. (Laughs)
Liliana: Pipe down, Jace. I'm trying to concentrate. This thing is as good as a blank check direct from the First National Bank of Santa Claus.
Jace: Oh, brother.
Nissa: Yeah.
Chandra: Okay, who's next?
Nissa: Ooh, ooh, me, me!
Jace: Ooh.
Chandra: Here you go, Nissa.
Nissa: There's no words on this paper.
Chandra: Not yet.
Nissa: '[grabs a pencil] Yippee! A writing stick.
Chandra: C'mon, Jace. Write a letter.
Jace: Chandra, grow up will ya? No one's going to give me a gift just because I write them a stupid letter. [Nissa's letter tears in half]
Nissa: Chandra, I ripped my paper. Could I have another one?
Chandra: Sure, buddy. Here you go. Okie dokie, Squid... [Nissa rips hers again] ...ward.
Nissa: Uhh, Chandra... [hands her another piece] Thanks. [sits down and starts writing with the paper on top of the pencil] Dear Sant... [paper rips] D'oh! Not again.
Chandra: Here, Nissa, watch me. Dear Santa, what do I want for Christmas, you may ask? All I want is for you to visit gentle folk here in Ravnica. That is my wish. [puts the letter in a bottle] Nissa, I designed this mechanism specifically to shoot bottles to the surface. The hopes of everyone rests on the success of its maiden voyage. Fire in the hole!
[presses it and the bottle shoots up to the surface]
Nissa: Santa! Haha. Where's Santa?
Chandra: Santa doesn't come till Christmas Eve.
Liliana: Okay girl, my demands, uhh, I mean, my letter, is ready to go.
Chandra: Great, Liliana. What did you wish for?
Liliana: A pony.
Chandra: Really?
Liliana: With saddle bags full of money! [shoots a bottle up to the surface]
Nissa: Here you go, Chandra.
Chandra: What did you wish for, Nissa?
Nissa: Another piece of paper. [bottle shoots up to the surface]
Chandra: And what did you wish for, little girl?
Rakdos: Someone’s front teeth!
Cowboy: I could use a new hat!
Niv-Mizzet: I need a new emblem for the guild!
Krenko: How about a glass of water for my teeth?
[lots of bottles get shot up to the surface]
Jace: Excuse me, coming through, out of the way.
Chandra: Great, Jace, you finished. What's your wish?
Jace: My wish is that the people of Ravnica will stop paying any attention to the inane dribble that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth.
Chandra: Gee, Jace, maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said. Okay, everybody, we've got a lot to do now that we've summoned Santa Claus. We must ready ourselves for his arrival.
Everyone: Hooray!
Chandra and Nissa: ♪It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday. Not your normal, average, everyday.♪
Jace: ♪Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree! Chandra, Nissa, why'd you do this to me?♪
Chandra and Nissa: ♪The world feels like it's in loverly!♪
Jace: ♪Go away before I harm you bodily!♪
Chandra and Nissa: ♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me! There'll be shopping, decorating, and plenty of snow! Hey, Nissa, who's that under the mistletoe?♪
Jace: ♪What? Who, me? Would you look at the time, I should go!♪
Bolas: ♪People seem a little more brotherly!♪
Liliana: ♪Here's a special something to you from me!♪
Chandra and Nissa: ♪Even all the trash, on Christmas it smells so sweetly! This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me!♪
[Chandra is seen dancing with different backgrounds]
Chandra: ♪La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!♪
Jace: ♪What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy!?♪
Chandra and Nissa: ♪Step outside, we've got something for you to see!♪
[Jace walks outside to see everything decorated]
Jace: ♪Chandra, take this stuff down immediately!♪
Chandra and Nissa: ♪Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree!♪
Citizens: ♪Tonight things are as good as they seem to be!♪
Nissa: ♪A star on top will complete all the scenery!♪
Citizens: ♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me! This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me!♪
Vraska: Is Jace right? Can there be a Christmas under the sea? Stay tuned! [shaking, putting her hand and hook upon her ears. Later] It's about time you got back! Now I can finish me story! So, Chandra was sending the last of the letters to Santa...
Tezzeret: I hope he can read Portuguese.
Chandra: Ahh, that's the last letter. Huh? Wait! Jace hasn't written his letter yet! [runs to Jace with a pencil, bottles, and paper in hand] Jace! Hurry! Jace, Jace! Hurry! [runs into Jace's house and upstairs to have him write his letter]
Jace: Chandra, what are you doing?
Chandra: Don't worry, Jace. I'll help you get started. [writes letter for Jace] Dear Santa Claus...
Jace: Chandra, forget it.
Chandra: Right, too formal. Hi Santa...
Jace: Chandra, no.
Chandra: Howdy, Claus?
Jace: [pushes Chandra out of his door] I'm not writing a letter to a figment of your imagination.
Chandra: But, Jace, when Santa comes, you'll be the only one without a gift.
Jace: Chandra, how many times do I have to say it? I don't believe in Santa Claus!
Chandra: C’mon, Jace, all you have to do is write a letter. What have you got to lose?
Jace: My self-respect. My sanity. My lunch. [closes door]
Chandra: Jace, c'mon. [everyone tries to get Jace outside]
Citizens: C’mon, Jace! Don't be a party pooper! C'mon out!
Jace: [pokes his head out of his window] Santa Claus is a big phony! Chandra has got you all fooled!
Chandra: C'mon, Jace. C'mon! [closes window and gets in bed]
Jace: Those idiots are gonna be up all night while I get a full night’s sleep. [tries to sleep but the singing outside wakes him up]
Citizens: ♪Oh, Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming tonight. Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming tonight.♪
Chandra: C’mon everybody! Let's sing till Santa gets here.
Citizens: ♪Oh, Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa’s coming tonight. Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming...♪
[it is then morning and they are tired]
Citizens: ♪Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming tonight.♪
Fred: Hey! Where's Santa?
Chandra: Uh, he should be here any minute. ♪Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming tonight.♪
Citizens: Oh, c'mon. Enough of this. [everyone argues and start to leave]
Karn: Thanks for the lies, Mrs. Fairytale! Let's go waste our time somewhere else.
Chandra: Hey, guys, where's your Christmas Spirit? He's just running late.
Nissa: He probably just stopped for a snack! Fat guys get hungry right?
Chandra: Yeah! [they wait and wait and then one of the jellyfish jars breaks on Chandra's head]
Nissa: Never trust a genie. [Nissa and a snowman walk away]
Jace: [alarm goes off] Ahh, morning already? Oh, boy! [speaking in a megaphone] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas. Wait. Oh, I see a great Christmas photo op. Could you move in a little? Say Santa Claus.
Chandra: [very sad face] Santa Claus. [Jace takes picture]
Jace: Aww, our first Christmas. This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas. The first Christmas is this Christmas. [donkey appears on screen making noises as he laughs] Cause it feels like the first Christmas to me. [laughing at Chandra more]
Chandra: You were right, Jace. This is a stupid holiday. [cries; takes out a present] I still want you to have this.
Jace: What? What's this?
Chandra: A present. I made it for you so you wouldn't be left out when... Santa came! "[cries some more]"
Jace: Oh, gee, I, uh, you know I...
Chandra: You're welcome. [sadly walks off and cries]
Jace: Chandra? She made me a present? It's probably a lighter, or an old flamethrower, or... [imitates a hillbilly] her favorite underpants. Haha. [opens present] Why, it looks like a clarinet. [smells it] It smells like one, too. Handcrafted on driftwood. And it's even got my name on it. [finds a button that says "push"] What's this? [pushes the button and 3 wooden Jaces with clarinets come out and bob up and down] Wow. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. Oh, I feel like a... I feel like a... I feel like a... [donkey appears on screen and makes noises] big jerk. What have I done to poor Chandra? Uh, hey, Chandra? I... Chandra? [Chandra is on a ladder trying to get her lights down]
Chandra: I guess I won't be needing this. [slides down with the lights in hand] That's better. [a gray cloud comes and rains on Chandra]
Jace: Poor little guy. All he wanted was to spread a little joy.
Chandra: I better get this stuff off of Jace's library.
Jace: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!
Chandra: Huh? Hello? Who's there? Huh? Hello?
Jace: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!
Chandra: Hello? Yes. Who's there? Huh? Hello? Show yourself. Yoo-hoo. Hello? Who is it? Huh?
Jace: Up here you dunce. [dressed like Santa Claus] I mean, uh, Merry Christmas little girl.
Chandra: [gasps] C-c-could it be?
Jace: Yes, it is I, Santa Claus. Ho, ho, ho... [slips off the roof and hits the ground]
Chandra: Hey, you're S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San... [takes a deep breath] S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San... [takes a deep breath] S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San...
Jace: Hey, uh, kid, take it easy.
Chandra: S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San... ta... [faints]
Jace: Chandra? Chandra? Chandra?!
Chandra: S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San...
Jace: Don't do that again.
Chandra: I knew you'd make it, Santa. Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?
Jace: Well, that, um, is a result of, uh, guildmaze pressure on my body.
Chandra: Where's your reindeer? And your flying machine?
Jace: Uhh, I loaned them to the Easter bunny.
Chandra: And what about that nose? [pokes his nose and laughs] I knew you were suppose to have a big one but, that thing's gigantic. [laughs]
Jace: Alright! I'm Santa.
Chandra: [jumps onto Jace] Santa! This is the greatest you could've given me. Thank you for bringing Christmas to Ravnica.
Jace: I didn't bring Christmas to Ravnica, Chandra; you did.
Chandra: I did? [faints and falls on Gary's shell]
Gary: Meow.
Jace: Merry Christmas, Chandra. Merry Christmas! Whew! I'm glad that's over.
Rakdos: Do you have a present for me, Santa?
Jace: Oh, well, uhh, you see, I'm not really...
Chandra: [laughs] Go ahead, Santa Claus. See, he is real. He made my Christmas wish come true, he won't let you down.
Jace: Uhh, right, just a second. [searches in his house for something] C'mon, let's see. What do demons like? A box of matches? Or a shaving kit? A copy of my birth certificate? There's got to be something around here. Think. Think. Think. Ha! Perfect! [hands the little girl a wrench] There you go, little girl! Ho, ho, ho!
Rakdos: Thanks, Santa. [scratches the wrench like it was a puppy]
Jace: That almost felt good. [Jace then notices a long line of citizens waiting for presents] I didn't... who?
Karn: Hey, Santa, where's my present?
Tamiyo: And mine!
Domri Rade: And what about me?
Jace: Uhh... let's see what Santa has for all you good people. [searches for stuff in his house] Think fast, Santa. Gifts for good people. A-ha! A bowl of mashed potatoes for you.
Niv-Mizzet: Thank you, Santa. This is just what I wanted. [puts bowl on his head] A new emblem.
Jace: [gives the little girl two forks and gives Nissa a clock] Here you go, Nissa.
Nissa: Wow. [punches a hole through the clock] A wrist watch.
Jace: [gets everything else in his house to the citizens] What was I thinking? I gave away all my stuff just 'cause Chandra wouldn't be sad. Am I insane? [Chandra knocks on the door] You might as well take the door. It's all that's left.
Chandra: Jace! You missed him! He was here just like I said! He gave us all presents. He was jolly and he had a beard. His nose was big and he had rosy cheeks. He was friendly and kind. [turns Chandra towards the door and pushes her so she walks] And Santa is... oh, his belly was small but his nose was huge with Christmas joy. He was so nice Jace...
Jace: Well, at least it's over. [notices a bottle with a letter in it on the ground] Huh? What's this?
Santa: Dear Jace, thanks for all your help! You've been a real good boy this year. Warm regards, Santa Claus. [letter disappears into thin air] Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! [in his sleigh flying] Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho. [does a crazy dance while saying his "ho ho ho"]
Jace: Yup, I'm insane. [plays his wooden clarinet in the ending tone of the episode]
Santa: Merry Christmas! [back at Vraska's house, a sailboat with a homemade Gatewatch moves in front of a picture of the island, which has a bunch of presents on it]
Vraska: Dee dee, dee dee dee dee. [in Jace's voice] Ahoy, Nissa! It's Christmas Island! [in Chandra's voice] Presents, ahoy! [in Gideon's voice] Hooray! [she starts making storm sound effects] Oh, a storm! [in Nissa's voice] Yay! I mean yikes! [she makes more sound effects and begins speaking in her own voice] Oh, we're going down! [She keeps making noises. Zoom out to show the boat is on Vraska's head] Trim the sails! Hoist the yardarms! Turn on the Weather Channel! [she screams]
Man on Set: [off-screen] Vraska!
Vraska: Oh, hi kids. Boy, that Gatewatch makes me as jolly as a roger. Well, I hope you enjoyed the Gatewatch’s Christmas tale. And I hope your Christmas is better than sunken treasure. [She takes the boat off her head. Huatli flies out, and there is a nest was under her, and in it are a few eggs wrapped in bows. Vraska picks one up] Aw... Huatli left me a little Christmas present. [She laughs. Then she goes over to the mistletoe] Arr, ye old mistletoe. And you know what that means. [she sprays breath freshener in her mouth] Ah, time for somebody to kiss Vraska the Pirate! [she makes kissing noises] Come on, who's it gonna be? Come on! Kiss the captain! [She laughs. Huatli flies over and squawks. Vraska screams]
Huatli: Give us a kiss! [Vraska goes to avoid her]
Vraska: No! No, not you! [Huatli keeps flying around squawking] No, not you Huatli! Get out of here! No, Huatli! I don't wanna kiss you! No, we talked about this! Huatli! No!
Huatli: Kissy, kissy!
Narrator: Well, it looks like Vraska's pretty busy at the moment, so I'll say it for her. Good night, and happy holidays.
[the words "Happy Holidays" are spelled out on screen]