writes

gnarlyLast Thursday at 12:51 AM
... oh yeah. I wrote a thing like. a month ago when I started working with kat

tubularLast Thursday at 12:51 AM
o boy

gnarlyLast Thursday at 12:51 AM
so um now that you know
"Please, sister; don't act so surprised. Did you really think I would sit still, that I was satisfied?  No, don't say it. You don't understand. You can't. You're one of the chosen, the big fish, you can make a difference. But a kinfolk? Breeding stock, babysitters, irrelevance. It's the supernatural equivalent of having a few kids, retiring to Florida, and dying. Would that make you happy? It didn't make me happy."

    "I adore you. Make no mistake. But I had a life. I had dreams. When your precious Mother Gaia decided to Take you I was but a victim of the current. Nothing could ever be the same. I wanted to take care of you - I wanted to take care of everybody, but it's clear to me now. You can take care of yourself, and the world rejected my help. But it's okay. It's alright. Now, we can both be monsters."

    "Shame? There's no shame in it. This is who we are, who we were meant to be; the only difference is I had to take fate into my own hands. I can shape myself, I can shape the world, just as you can. Whether destiny be totemic and merely awaiting your arrival, or carved from stone with bloodied fingers, tear soaked eyes, and sheer determination is irrelevant, what matters is that you do - what matters is that you do. What matter is that you do."

    "But I suppose, now I'm tainted. Tainted for wanting more, tainted for the sake of my own cosmic significance, tainted because I would not be a victim. Make no mistake, your Wyrm bares no more sway over me than your Gaia, but you wolves are you as rigid as the totems you represent. Never forget, tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. I am evolving. Does that make me a bad person? Then a bad person I shall be. But I will be as such by my own will. I will be as a tempest, a force of nature, unstoppable and true only to itself."

    "I'm happy now, sister. I'm happy."
[maybe it's just a bit outdated also also suuuuper dramatic but. month ago.]

tubularLast Thursday at 12:53 AM
oof

gnarlyLast Thursday at 12:53 AM
she does not like being confined

tubularLast Thursday at 12:55 AM
".... so that's it then. you say you adore me, but you don't. you hated what i am. i didn't choose it, so fucking lucky you for being able to do anything about yourself. i really am nothing but your problem."
"don't worry, you don't have to say anything. i get it. i understand. i'll make myself scarce. i missed the hell out of you, though, you know. just remember that."

gnarlyLast Thursday at 12:59 AM
(fyi in canon anya does send her letters. you nkow. let her know she's missed, isn't dead
(I don't think Kat's had a reason to mention it
(... or forgot

tubularLast Thursday at 1:00 AM
huuuh

gnarlyLast Thursday at 1:00 AM
but she's also super secretive and frustatingly vague
you know
as she does

tubularLast Thursday at 1:01 AM
indeed

tubularLast Thursday at 1:22 AM
I tried.

I tried my damnedest to give you something to fight back with. I followed every lead I could, I chased every ghost. I fell down every rabbit hole. Because you know, having them confine you wasn’t good enough for me either. I could die out there and you’d never know. But I guess it wasn’t good enough for the powers that be. I guess it was always meant to happen that way.

You know, they would kill me too. For some of the friends I’ve made on the side. Did you know Frankensteins are real? I know one, now. He’s one of my best friends since you left, but they would call him tainted, too. And monster hunters? Right out. But they’re just as lost in this world as any of us. They’re just as tangled in the mess without a choice as I am.

I’m tired, sister. Tired of worrying. Tired of fighting. The more time goes on, the more I want a sign that any of this is worth the fight. To you, all of this sounds like primal, regressive bullshit. It’s different when you can see and feel it, but I guess you don’t know that. Now, you never will. Maybe it is regressive bullshit. Maybe Gaia is dead. She sure hasn’t given me much of an indication lately, and seeing you here tells me that loud and clear.

So what do I do now?

There is nothing worth fighting for. Hypocrites, or monsters. What a wonderful choice. What a great world I live in, now that it’s falling apart around me. You were my reason for fighting. You were all I had. I did everything for you. I don’t fucking care about the state of the world and I don’t fucking care about some war I was drafted into and can’t even conscientiously object from. I don’t want to be this. But I can’t be anything else. I can’t rescind the wolf. And if you turned me now, I would become nothing more than a constantly raging, eternally hurting monster who would have all of a few nights to live at best before either you put me out of my misery, or they did.

I’m glad you’re happy. I just wish I could have ever said the same.
oops
sorry to wordbarf, but

gnarlyLast Thursday at 1:29 AM
oh