How Far Chapter 1: The Walk Back

	I stand here, watching, as the red glow fades into the abyss. Hanako stands by my side, looking mournful as her closest friend leaves forever. I can’t imagine I look much better. “Goodbye… Lilly,” Hanako whispers, almost to herself. I reach out and place a hand on her shoulder, and she looks back at me for a moment before turning to stare back down the deserted hillside. I don’t know what’s going to happen from here on out. We all have our own ambitions, our own dreams to fulfill. I feel my hand slowly slide from Hanako’s shoulder, and I step forward towards the guard wall at the top of the hillside, staring after where the woman I love had just gone. As hard as I try, I can’t see the lights from the car anymore. She’s really, finally, gone. She chose her family, and I can’t blame her for it, but no matter how I try to justify or explain it, it doesn’t change the new Lilly-shaped hole in our lives.

	I can’t bear to gaze down the hillside any longer, but I find myself unable to look away. It’s almost as if I stand there and stare long enough, I’ll see a car come racing back up the hillside and Lilly will come back. I know it isn’t true, every logical part of my mind tells me that such a thing isn’t possible, and yet here I am. Still staring. Still hoping.

	My mind flashes to the day that Lilly confessed to me in the wheat field. “Don’t go away,” she begged me. “Never, ever go away. I love you!” I can feel tears forming in my eyes, but I ignore it. How could she ask something of me if this is what she had planned? This is what she wanted after all, to be with her family again after all this time. I tried making it easier for her, how could I not? I couldn’t even imagine what it would have been like to be left alone with a sibling for six years. I’ve tried to see what she had to have been going through, and I saw how she would always shoulder everyone’s burdens. I wouldn’t let her take this one too, I wouldn’t be the pathetic weak boyfriend who begged and pleaded selfishly. I wanted her to choose and she chose them, plain and simple. So why can’t I look away?

	A tear slides down my face, but I make no effort to wipe it away. Why should I? Lilly is gone. I don’t have to be strong for her anymore. I don’t have to pretend I’m not hurting. I can be hurt. I can cry, right? If just for right now, I can let myself be weak, right?

	… No. No. I can’t be weak. I have to be strong for Hanako as well as for myself. I wipe my face before looking back towards where Hanako is standing, but I find only air. She must have walked away whilst I wallowed in self-pity. Great, I think to myself. I look upwards and see the moon has barely risen, the night is still young. Perhaps it is better that she isn’t here right now. I can’t even convince myself to be hopeful about our futures, Hanako would see right through me. I walk back to the guard rail and step over, deciding on sitting at the overlook, staring at the spot that I can’t bring myself to look away from. The last spot that I had seen their car as they drove away. The last spot that I would ever see Lilly Satou.

	Calm. That’s what I need to be. Calm. Not sad, not angry, not upset. Calm. I feel my chest rising and falling with every breath, my broken heart slowly beating along. The muscles in my chest tense and release with every beat. I focus on it, forcing an even breath when my body feels like it is growing numb. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub.

	I used to hate this sound

	Lub-dub

	It’s what started me on this path

	Lub-dub

	What lead me to Yamaku

	Lub-dub

	What led me to Lilly

	Lub-dub

	What lead me to fall in love again

	Lub-dub

	What lead me to lose that love, again

	Lub-dub

	I can hear its beat in the surrounding silence

	Lub-dub.

	This broken heart of mine

	A breeze upon my face forces me to open my eyes. I had been laying on top of the guard wall for God knows how long. A look up into the bright summer’s night sky shows the moon floating high overhead. Hours must have gone by since I first sat here. I looked back towards the spot that had held my focus for so long, and suddenly, I feel almost sick. I can’t keep looking, and I tear my gaze from the spot. I look back towards the gate, and I feel myself exhale as I realize that, even though Lilly has left, life still goes on. There’s probably only a few hours until daylight. Looks like I’ll be getting very little sleep tonight.

	Begrudgingly, I lift my legs from the wall and begin walking back towards the gate. I stumble a little as my legs protest being woken, but I keep moving towards the gate. It opens with a whine, practically the only noise in the still night, but otherwise offers no protest. I look on the main building, my thoughts turning back to the coming break. Classes ended today, and the break has officially begun. I can probably just go back to my room and sleep now since I doubt there will be anything else that I will have to do, or even could do if I wanted to. The thought makes me think again about what Lilly and I might have done to celebrate the final day of classes, but I force myself off of the train of thought. There’s no point in thinking about it anymore.

	Within a few minutes slow walk, I see the dormitories. The male dormitories just to the right of the wall that Rin had done for the festival. I stop in front of the wall, remembering how I had helped her paint it. I wonder what they are going to with it now that the year is ending. Maybe they’ll paint over it, opening it up for a new person to paint for a different occasion.

	Suddenly, there’s a bright light shining in my face from the top of the short wall. “HEY!” a gruff voice shouts as I reflexively cover my face from the light. Oh, god dammit, this is the last thing I need. A thought runs through my head that I could just bolt for it, but I squash it immediately. I’m not exactly in the best condition, and laying on a cold wall for a few hours didn’t help accentuate that. The light moves towards the stairs, and I can see it quickly coming closer.

	“Oh, you’re a student,” the voice says in a much less alarmed tone. “You know, you’re way past curfew out here.”

	“Sorry,” I reply, still shielding my face. “I just couldn’t sleep, and I went for a short walk to clear my head,” I lie. It’d be easier just to lie than try to explain my situation.

	He must realize that he still is shining the bright light in my face, because it quickly shines lower. “Oh, sorry.” He clicks the light off, and I stare at him through bright spots in my eyes. They fade fast, and I can finally make out his appearance. He’s obviously foreign, a tall man with white skin and his eyes rounded. He has short brown hair that looks like it was buzzed recently. It appears as if he is sizing me up as well, and I can tell he is a little skeptical about my story. Briefly, I wonder if I could get in trouble for being out after hours, but the hard look he’s giving me falters, and he sighs.

	“It’s alright, I’ve done just that quite a few times when I can’t get any sleep.” He looks from me to the wall that I had been staring at, and gives it an almost comically quizzical look. “At least going for a walk, I can understand. But I think looking at this to clear your head might have the opposite effect.” I let out a slight laugh at that, I can very easily see how Rin’s abstract form of art can have that effect on someone. He seems happy that his joke found its mark, giving me an earnest grin. “So, what’s your name?” he asks.

	“Hisao Nakai,” I respond. I don’t really know why, but I extend my arm in greeting. He takes it, apparently appreciating the effort.
“I’m Mr. Price, but you can call me Kane.” His grip is a little too firm, but he releases after briefly shaking it, and turns back to the art. “Truth be told, I could use a little bit of head clearing myself. I’m having a little trouble wrapping my head around this place.”

	“What do you mean?” I respond.

	He looks me over once again, probably wondering if he should even be speaking with me instead of giving me detention, but once again he seems to let his guard down. “Well, I’m sure you can tell, I’m new around here. I’m from the United States.” I’ve never met anyone from the U.S., but he doesn’t really fit the stereotypes I had been told. I look over at him, and I can see slight subtleties. The way he carries himself, the loud demeanor, and the seemingly trusting nature might place him there. He notices me looking at him and smiles. “Military,” he says, predicting what I was thinking. “I was stationed in Tokyo until a few years ago. It’s where I learned Japanese, and I just fell in love with the country.”

	If he’s been a few years, he must be used to being around Japanese people by now. So what could he… oh. “You mean Yamaku,” I say, more a statement than a question. He looks puzzled for a moment, but nods the affirmative a moment later.

	“Yeah,” he says. “I’m not really used to being in a place where everyone is so…”

	“Fragile?” I finish the thought for him. My mind immediately flips to my heart, how many times in the past year has it plagued me? How many times has it beat so fast that it would almost burst from my chest?

	“Yeah…” he trails off. He blows air from his lungs into the night sky. He looks back to me. “I know I’m new here, but I am technically a faculty member. If you ever need to talk, every one of us is open to you.” Only now do I realize the angry look I had on my face. “Sorry” I reply. “Thinking about my condition… bothers me. Sometimes.” He nods his head as if he understands. How could he though? He is perfectly fine.

	“Well,” he starts “you should really get along to sleep. It’s already 3AM.”

	“Alright,” I mutter. “Thank you for understanding.”

	“Anytime,” he replies, but his face quickly catches what he said. “Wait, not anytime, anytime. Don’t take that as a free pass to wander the grounds after hours.” He stumbles over his words, evident that it is a second language to him.

	“Don’t worry, I understood.” I turn and walk towards the stairs.

	“Have a good night, Nakai.” He calls after me. I consider just walking away, but my better nature gets to me.

	I turn back. “Call me Hisao.” I put on what I think is a kind smile, and then turn and march up the stairs.

	I enter the male dormitory and head for the stairwell, and trudge up the flight to my floor. I walk down the dimmed hallway to my room and fish around my pocket for my keys. I take my keys out and feel around for the right one, but I can’t see or tell the difference in the dark between my house and my room key. I insert one of the keys and try turning it, only to discover it is the wrong one. Cursing a little too loudly for the empty silence, I insert the other key and turn the lock, opening the door to my room.

	“Why do I even have that key?” I ask the empty room. This place is my home now… but that’s not true anymore, is it? When I was with Lilly, I thought I would stay here with her for the summer until we decided where we would go with our future, but now that plan is gone. I have no idea what I will do for the summer now. Lilly is gone, and Hanako is leaving to tour Japan. It’ll be just me.

	I groan, resigning myself to think about it tomorrow. I’m tired, and I can feel my body aching for rest after laying on a stiff stone wall for hours. I unceremoniously flop into bed. I just need as much sleep as I can get before waking tomorrow, so I need to just clear my mind. I will not think about Lilly, I tell myself. I close my eyes and try to find an even space for my breathing. Once again, I can hear my slowed heartbeat in the silence.

	Lub-dub

	I will not think about Lilly.

	Lub-dub

	I will not think about Lilly.