Fate/Zero Episode 17 Nico TL Critique

KEY

(mm:ss) Original nico TL
- Comments
= Fixed line

MAJOR ERRORS

(13:22) And yet, I want the answer now, more than I ever did before.
- "間近に感じている" doesn't mean to want something. It means something feels right within reach in this context.
= And yet, I feel that I am closer to the answer now than ever before.

(13:50) Surely, that was quite an exciting revelation.
- Gil is asking a question, and it's not even rhetorical. I can see what the editor was going for, but it comes off extremely poorly.
= Did you just learn of some exciting new information?

(15:04) In other words, you are unprepared, in the same room as an enemy Servant.
- This is a good example of a literal translation gone wrong. "何の備えもないまま" does mean one is unprepared, but it ends up meaning something quite different when inserted into the English line like that. I took a little bit of creativity with this one to capture the intended meaning.
= In other words, you're in the same room as an enemy Servant with nothing to defend yourself with.

(16:34) Will you remain loyal to my master, and ask me my true intent?
- Ignoring the split compound predicate here, the second part of this line is completely wrong. It's true that it sounds like Kirei is saying "本意を咎める", but that makes no sense in Japanese. The correct phrase is "叛意を咎める", which is to rebuke someone for rebelling.
= Are you still going to remain loyal to my master and punish me for rebelling?

MINOR ERRORS

(2:42) How I pity your father...
- Misleading. This makes it sound like Gil's asking Kirei why he didn't tell Tokiomi how Gil pities his father, which, of course, makes no sense.
= I pity your father.

(3:01) You might look a little sad.
- This technically isn't _wrong_, but why would you phrase it like that?
= Shouldn't you at least look a little sad?

(15:16) I'm prepared to beg for my life.
- Misleading word choice. He didn't work up the courage to do it, he came up with a way to do it.
= I've thought of a way to beg for my life.

(16:08) Put another way, my master is a mage to the very end.
- I'll chalk this off to some editing derp, but this line fails to _clearly_ connotate the whole point of the line; that Tokiomi is a Mage to the core (what "骨の髄まで魔術師" means).
= In the end, my master is simply a Mage to the core.

(20:11) You never did understand me until the very end.
- No, neither Tokiomi or Risei understood Kirei at "the very end". I had "even until the very end", which is better but not the best way to phrase it.
= You never understood me, even at the very end.

JARGON DERPS

(6:07) As you grow up, try to keep the Church in your debt.
- I completely missed this one >_<. 協会 ("association", referring to the Mage's Association) and 教会 ("the Church") are perfect homonyms, which makes this a pretty common mistake to make. In my defense, the line still sort of makes sense given how the Church and the Association are eternal enemies, so... ;_;
= As you grow up, keep the Mage's Association in your debt.

(7:39) The ones remaining are, as anticipated, the Masters of the three houses, along with one outsider.
- Pretty sure this wasn't what they used in ep1 (which is the other place where the term "始まりの御三家" came up). I doubt consistency is a concern for them at all, though.
= The remaining teams are, as anticipated, the Masters of the Founding Three Families, along with one outsider.