Anon and the Adventure of the Missing House

>Day 57 in the Year of Our Princess Two Thousand and Twelve
>You are Anonymous
>Ponies keep stealing your things.

>At first it seemed you were just being forgetful, a pen here gone missing, a book there
>But then things got out of hand.
>They took your laptop and all of your precious human pr0n
>You would make a bowl of cereal, turn away, and look back to find it empty.  Once you blinked and even the table itself was swapped.
>God damned psycho ponies and their sticky hooves.
>You sit in your house with a louisville slugger you carved out of a tree
>You sit on your bed
>It's the only thing left to sit on.
>Suddenly your house begins to quake
>it begins
>One by one, the beams of your roof begin to pull away, and massive shadows flit across your windows
>Soon your windows are missing
>The rush of wind and hooves and a million giggles of p0nies fill your existence
>They're stealing your house
>Piece by Piece
>Fuck
>Ponies, Ponies everywhere
>You stand on your bed and flail with your baseball bat to no effect
>"GOD DAMN PONIES STOP STEALING MY HOUSE YOU'RE NOT EVEN HUMANS YOU CANT APPRECIATE DOORKNOBS LIKE I CAN"
>They don't listen.  They just smile and laugh and reduce the house to its frame.
>Then they come for you.
>You swing your bat helplessly but soon it gets snitched away and your left punching at the sherbert swirl of chaos.
>somep0ny pulls your bed sheets out from under you and you fall to your back
>Then they take the matress
>eventually you're lying on the dirt and they come for your clothes
>you don't know how they do it, but the strip you down piece by piece
>first by the collar of your shirt, your digital watch, your shoelaces, your zipper
>you're pretty sure Fluttershy takes off with your bitchin' boxers.
>You haven't stopped screaming.
>As fast as it started, it stopped.
>Your sitting in an open field where your house used to be
>And you're naked.
>It's the third time this happened.

>You fucking hate ponies.


>You stand up
>fuck it's chilly today
>You quickly scan the field for something to cover your shame
>After a few minutes of searching, somep0ny dropped your SuckerPunch poster in the raid.
>With much grief, you wrap it around your chest because you're ashamed of your hairy nipples.
>and so you march out of the field, your Lobster Johnson swinging too and fro.
>Today you're getting answers, Celestia damn it.

>You eventually make your way to the outside of town
>Walking barefoot started to suck ass, so you rigged up some sandals using weeds and pieces of Fluttershy's welcome mat after passing by her house.
>She wasn't home so you couldn't get your boxers back.
>You secretly hope she washes them
"Hi Anon. You look retarded"
>"Oh, hi Dash."
>Dash never took part in your house-nappings. She mostly just snuck into your house to steal booze, but you snuck into her place a few times and did the same thing, so whatevs.
>She frittered about your head
"Did they steal your house again?"
>Death glare
"You have to stop acting like such a bitch Anon."
>"Yeah, I know. That's why I'm marching into town right now, dressed up like a fucking cineplex hobo, I'm going to get an explanation. I'm going to get respect. IM GONNA GET MY HOUSE BACK!"
"Alright, good luck with that, faglord. I'm gonna go get some rainclouds. Make you a wet pussy. You know I love wet pussy."
>She latched onto your head and did some kind of...full body head rustle and took off into the sky snickering madly.
>My jimmies
>Fucking dyke...omnisexual...whatever she was.

>You stroll like fucking Tommy Vercetti through P0nyville
>However, no p0nies care. At all.
>They just go about their business, or smile and wave at you
"Hi Anon!"
"Morning Anon!"
"I like your cock Anon!"
>Like everything is just Danimals. The acted this way the first time they stole your house. You came into town bringing holy hell with you and no one paid you any mind no matter how many carts you tipped over, or apples you ate without paying.
>You look around the market square for any of your belongings, but you see no sign of your precious things, not that you expected to.
>You make your way to the library, weed sandals flapping against cobblestone and your SuckerPunch toga glistening proudly in Celestia's sun.
>You're going to see Twilight.

>You open the door and barge in like a Stormtrooper
>It's a public library, fuck knocking, I'm gonna check out some books today too.
"Oh hi Anon, you're attire is very interesting today, is it some kind of human custom?"
>"Yeah, it's the garb of someone who just had all their shit stolen by a bunch of loony pony poops!"
>Fuck, that sounded retarded.
"What are you talking about Anon?"
>she giggled, obviously amused by your manly manmeat
>"You know bloodied well what I'm talking about, Twilight Sparkle, or should I say...Ms. Person Who's Arranging All Of My Stuff to Get Stolen!"
"Why would I arrange that?"
>"Because these mares can't even brush their own fucking teeth without you organizing an eight p0ny team operation to get the brush in their mouth!"
>She sighs
>Alright Anon, I guess you deserve some honesty.
>Fucking Finally
"It's because we like you."
>lolwut

>"lolwut?"
"Anon...you live so far out of town, we worry about you.  You only come to town once or twice a week, and you hardly talk to anyp0ny.  You look so thin we wonder if you're even eating."
>That's not fair.  You have a high metabolism and you can't gain weight.
>"Twilight I can take care of myself."
"Anon, you're not wearing pants."
>"Neither are you."
"Look, we know you're not happy out there all by yourself in that...well, ratty house you live in.  When you show up in town, you're all sad, but when you do stick around you just...light up!"
>That wasn't lighting up, that was your face turning red from having to interact with these bitches for any extended period of time.
>"I don't...."
"We like to see you happy, Anon, we all want to be your friend, and be around us all, and not in the middle of some creepy field where something might happen to you and we wouldn't even know!"
>You have a pretty stupid look on your face right now.
"Follow me."
>You do

>She leads you down the street
"We all got together and figured you'd never decide to move into town on your own since you're a lazy ass shut in."
>She is not wrong
"So...I decided that we'd get your house..."
>You turn on a street
>Oh fuck me.
"And bring it here!"
>And there it was.  Surrounded by dozens of cheering p0nies.
>Your shitty ass house, looking decidedly less shitty
>The whole thing has been repainted, the broken windows have been fixed.  Even the doorknobs  have been replaced!
>"But...why?"
"Because...we're your friends, Anon."
>The p0nies all cry out in agreement
"You're cool Anon!"
"Great to have you with us, Anon!"
"I REALLY like your Cock, Anon!"


>Your eyes twitch and they probably won't stop soon.
>The wind blows away your SuckerPunch toga.
>Scootaloo giggles.
>You don't even bother to cover up your disgusting Sasquatch nipples, you're so farking angry.
>Yeah, that field you live in is pretty fucking creepy, especially at night when you swear to god you can see ghosts flying around over the clouds
>But still, its the only place where you can see the p0nies coming from far off.
>You tried your damnedest to stay away from these psychotic nosy p0nies and here they are plopping you right down into a sea of laughter and manic goodwill
>And there is no escape.
>Froth begins to pour from your mouth
"Hey Anon, I didn't know you could make your own frosting!"
>Goddammit, Pinkie.  God-bloody-blasted-bleeding-hearted-dammit.
"You're not really a can of soda, are ya?"
>Slowly.  Oh.  So.  Slowly.  You turn your head towards Twilight.
>"If you were planning to move my house here this whole time."  You huff out through clenched and gritted teeth.  "Why did you steal my house three times?"
"Oh, we just like fucking with you."

>Your mouth hangs open and your whole head twitches.  Unholy consonants spill from your throat as your rage dribbles out, raw and unfocused.
"WET PUSSY!"
>Rainbow Dash slams a water balloon at you from the sky, leaving you all wet and your nipples totally gross looking.  She then latches onto your head and begins rustling and won't stop.
>The mass of horsies start laughing and converge on you, squeezing and hugging against your wet, naked body.
>"NO!  NO!  STOP!"
>They care not for your cries.
>"WHAT HAVE I DONE?  WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME GOD!?"  You try to push the p0nies away, but for everyone you shove aside, three more arise smiling to take their place.
>You were never a faithful man, but you look up at the sky for any sign of a merciful God.
>But there is no God up there.  Only Celestia.  And you swear you can hear her laughing.
>"I'm in Hell!" you cry.
>Giggling
>"This is Hell!"
>More giggling.
>"Hell!  HELL!"