The Fluff Testament: The Garden of Fluff

The Fluff Testament, Verse I - The Garden of Fluff

>You're not a richfag, but since you live in the middle of nowhere your house has a huge backyard.
>Aside from mail-ordering videogames and dicking around on the internet, you don't have a lot to fill your downtime with.
>You have to do like the old saying goes and make your own fun, but that's pretty hard to do alone.
>Last week, just for human contact, you decided to go check out the local church, but they turned you away when you said you weren't Baptist or Presbetyrian or some shit, they just didn't want you around.
>In retaliation, you stole a Bible and paged through it a bit.
>How people decided this was a just and loving god is beyond you - he gets up to the kind of shit that would make a fluffy pony abuser's stomach turn.
>Waaait a minute...
>After a quick internet search (well, not so quick since you barely have high speed out here) you make an order from a petstoew website.
>They're not common in these parts, Fluffy Ponies - you can't just find strays out here.
>You also make an order from a costume shop, 'cause why the hell not?
>After double-checking the security of the fence and setting a few things up, you go to bed.
>In the morning, the boxes are at your door!
>The big styrofoam one is what you get into first.
>Unfreezing the first fluffy pony is as simple as putting it down where you want it and waiting for it to happen naturally.
>It takes a long time, but you can't leave, you have to be around for it when the little guy starts to move.
>He's a coppery-colored unicorn with a red mane.
>You paid a bundle for one who'd had a memory reset before he was chilled, so this had better work...
>Sure enough, he starts to quiver after some time, when all the frost has melted from his body.
>The first thing he sees is you.
>In your brand-new white costume Santa Claus beard - cheap to buy, out of season.
>"Wh... whewe fwuffy?" he asks tremulously.
>"SILENCE!" you say in a booming voice.
>Well, you're an awkward dork, so you try to make it booming, anyway - it's good enough to impress a fluffy pony.
>The fluffy pony takes a step back from you in surprise and awe.
>To his credit, he does actually stay silent.
>"LO, I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD," you proclaim.
>It's kind of hard through the beard, but you like to imagine you're Pai Mei from Kill Bill Part 2.
>"G-God?" the Fluffy pony whimpers. "Mista God fwiend?"
>"NO! I AM YOUR CREATOR. I FORMED YOU FROM THE SOIL OF THE GROUND."
>To help him understand, you point down.
>Fluffy pony looks down at the grass beneath its feet.
>"Fwuffy... diwt?"
>Better keep this moving.
>"I BREATHED INTO YOUR NOSTRILS THE BREATH OF LIFE, FOR I AM GOD THE FATHER!"
>That gets somewhere.
>"God Daddeh!"
>He hugs your shoe gleefully.
>"YOU ARE WELL TO WORSHIP ME. FOR I HAVE PLANTED HERE IN EDEN A GARDEN OF ALL THAT IS PLEASING TO LOOK AT AND GOOD FOR FOOD."
>The fluffy pony is almost alarmed. "Foodies?"
>It is only now that he sees where he is. Sealed in by chicken wire and protected from the sun by some aluminum sheeting, you have made a small fluffy paradise.
>In it there are small piles of several different delicacies for a fluffy pony - meaning you dumped out a sleeve of Rollos, opened a can of Spaghetti-Os, and got rid of that semi-moldy wheat bread you forgot to eat.
>"Sketti!" he immediately says, rushing towards the paper plate you put the non-warm Spaghetti-Os on.
>Once he has gorged himself and looks utterly content, he returns to say, "Tank 'oo fow nummies, God Daddeh."
>He understands the great boon you have given him.
>Perfect.
>"NOW," you say, "EVERY FOOD OF THE GARDEN YOU MAY EAT, BUT FROM THE TUPPERWARE OF THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL, YOU MAY NOT EAT."
>Upon this, you take a little bin - it's actually Gladware, but he doesn't know the difference - of sugar, and put it down nearby him, but apart from all the other bounty.
>"Okey God Daddeh!" he enthuses. "Fwuffy nuu eat speciaw nummies!"
>"IT IS WELL," say you, and then "I NAME YOU ADAM, AND BRING UNTO YOU MUCH, TO SEE WHAT YOU WOULD CALL IT."
>And thereupon, you give him a ball.
>"Baww!" he cries happily.
>It's one of those words they're programmed to know innately.
>For the next few hours you watch the creature frolic, knocking the ball around gently with his nose, eating his fill of the junk food and occasionally saying "Adum wuv God Daddeh!"
>You watch all this, and clean it up when he poops, but also keep an eye on what you left in the big bowl in the kitchen.
>When it's almost ready, you conceal it behind your back and return to the garden to wait a little longer.
>Around the time Adam first asks you for huggies, you stand back up and try to boom, "IT IS NOT GOOD THAT ADAM SHOULD BE ALONE. I SHALL MAKE HIM A HELPER."
>Adam is dumbfounded, he has no idea what the fuck.
>He actually has nothing to say, being confused when you pretend to reach "into" his side, actually just poking into his fluff, and then by simply putting your other hand on the other side of him "produce" a fluffy pony.
>The scripture's a little vague on this, but you explain, "HERE IS A MARE I HAVE TAKEN OUT OF YOU, BONE FROM YOUR BONES AND FLESH FROM YOUR FLESH. SHE IS TO BE YOUR WIFE, EVE."
>"Ebe?" Adam wonders, but he is transfixed by the sight of her, the first fluffy pony he has ever laid eyes on.
>She is a chocolate color with a very dark mane - you paid a bundle for good healthy fluffies, and she seems in decent condition.
>She's an earth fluffy.
>Well, aside from the way she's just standing there with her eyes closed, not quite out of her cold-induced funk yet.
>You stroke your beard like a certain master of the White Lotus, hoping you didn't buy a dead one.
>"Ebe new fwiend!" Adam decides. "Gif huggies!"
>A short application of hugs does warm her up enough that she blinks her big green eyes open to say, "Whewe fwuffy?"
>Must be what they always ask first.
>"Dis gawden!" Adam says to enlighten her. "Dat God Daddeh, him gif nummies!"
>You do your best Pope wave.
>"Wuv God Daddeh! You Ebe! You Adam fwiend!"
>"I Ebe?" Eve asks in confusion.
>"YES!" you say. "I HAVE NAMED YOU EVE, YOU ARE ADAM'S WIFE. YOU LOVE EACH OTHER."
>Better leave out the part about them being naked and unashamed, it won't help much.
>"Yay!" Eve says, returning Adam's hug. "Ebe wuv Adum!"
>For some time Adam introduces Eve to all the wonders of their paradise - the foodies, the ball, and so on.
>To your delight, he even instructs her, "God Daddeh say nuu eat speciaw nummies. Eat udda nummies."
>"Ebe wuv udda nummies!" Eve assures him, and they go off to play, ignoring you.
>Good. You decide to come back tomorrow, but with a different plan.
>In the morning, once you've reminded them of your great benevolence by cleaning out their filth and supplying new food (some unfrozen broccoli and kettle corn you half-burnt but they're in love with), you go duck inside a cardboard box.
>Predictably, Adam and Eve don't pay much attention to you once you're out of sight.
>They haven't eaten any of the sugar, but you're about to get down to the business of proper Genesis-ing, and not the kind that plays Sonic 2.
>Sonic 2 is great though.
>Anyway, it's a simple matter of tying some headphones to a stick, running the headphones to your old boom box, and jacking in your stick mic.
>You're totally out of sight, but soon the fluffy ponies are interested by the strange sight poking through the border of their wonderful world.
>"I AM THE SSSERPENT, SSSHREWDEST OF ANY ANIMAL GOD HAS MADE," you say, enjoying trying to do a Kaa voice.
>"Hai sewpent!" Eve bubbles. "Wan' pway?"
>You ignore her. "HAS GOD TRULY SAID YOU SHALL NOT EAT THE FOOD OF THE GARDEN?"
>"We eat nummies!" Adam corrects the 'serpent.' "Onwy no speciaw nummies. No eat speciaw nummies."
>"GOD KNOWS THAT WHEN YOU EAT IT, YOU WILL BE LIKE GODS, KNOWING GOOD FROM EVIL."
>Adam is clearly confused. "God Daddeh no say dat. Sewpent siwwy."
>However, Eve has already begun happily trotting in the direction of the sugar.
>Once he's noticed, Adam tries to run after her. "Ebe! Don' eat speciaw nummies!"
>"Eat nummies, get big wike God Daddeh!" she says in a singsong way.
>After she takes her first lick, she adds, "Speciaw nummies sweetie nummies! Wike speciaw nummies!"
>That is more than enough for Adam, who promptly forgets his promise and digs in beside her.
>Well, they don't go putting clothes on, but once the small amount of sugar is gone and they haven't grown huge, Adam slowly becomes mortified.
>"Ebe, we eat speciaw nummies! God Daddeh be angwy!"
>"Why?" she asks, not really seeing the issue. "Nummies good!"
>This is where you step in.
>Adam sees your shadow and shudders - Eve knows less of you, and does not shy away.
>Not until your voice booms.
>"HAVE YOU EATEN OF THE FOOD I COMMANDED YOU NOT TO EAT FROM?"
>Adam immediately moves to cover his own ass. "Ebe eat speciaw foodies! Gif to Adum! Ebe was bad fwuffy!"
>"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"
>Eve casts about for someone else to cast the blame on, and sees the abandoned stick and headphones. "Sewpent gif nummies! Sewpent nauwty!"
>You kick that away. "MARE, IN PAIN YOU MUST NOW BRING FORTH BABIES. STALLION, THE GROUND IS CURSED BECAUSE OF YOU, AND SHALL BE UNCLEAN WITH YOUR FILTH."
>Then you unwrap a portion of the chicken wire, and push the confused and upset fluffies out.
>"I CAST YOU OUT FROM THE GARDEN OF EDEN, TO THE GROUND FROM WHICH YOU WERE TAKEN. YOU SHALL LIVE THERE ALL YOUR DAYS AND NEVER RETURN!"
>To emphasize your point, you put down a motion-activated 'Darth Vader Room Defender' from when you were little.
>The fluffies don't understand the situation, standing there on the boring grass, until Eve finally mumbles, "Ebe hungwy," and tries to turn around and go back in.
>Adam follows her.
>To their shock, once they've passed within the infrared beam, Darth Vader's lightsaber ignites red with a snapping hiss noise, and he waggles it slightly, rotating at his waist.
>"Don't make me destroy you..." he threatens crackily.
>"AAH! Munsta!" Adam cries.
>He books it away from there, and Eve follows his lead, though the bright light of the toy almost fixed her to the spot, petrified. "No wan' munsta owwies!"
>Once they've run off to almost the other side of the backyard and are hugging each other desperately out of fear, you roll up the chicken wire and remove the plates of food and toys.
>Paradise has been officially lost.

TO BE CONTINUED