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- >You are Voldanon.
- >Dark Lord.
- >Villainous Wizard.
- >Apparently really sexy.
- >Your alarm goes off.
- >You swish your wand (thirteen inches, yew and phoenix feather), and blast the clock through the wall.
- >Another wave of your wand repairs the new hole in your wall, and a corkscrew motion causes a new clock to appear, out of thin air.
- "Damned dirt pone electro-trickery!"
- >You slide out of bed, and wrap your dark cloak of +7evil around your shoulders.
- >Suitably attired, you pace downstairs, a bowl of unborn pegasi foetuses pouring themselves as you swirl your wand around.
- >Being a wizard is awesome.
- >Unfortunately, it seems the milk has gone off.
- >And you can't eat pegasi foetuses dry.
- >That would be disgusting.
- >You vanish the bowl and its contents, then summon an apple out of the cupboard.
- >Malfanon always did say "eating healthily keeps your skin glowing, and your health at a peak"
- >He was such a fag, sometimes.
- >But, you suppose, it is easier to swell the hearts and minds of the stupid population when you don't look like a demon snake thing.
- >Your doorbell rings.
- "REDUCTO"
- >You are allowed to be nervous.
- >That damned witch, Twilight Sparkle, is almost as weird as Bellatranon.
- >And if that old fool had ever taught you anything, he'd taught you to never stick your dick in crazy.
- >T "Hi there, Tom!"
- >And that's the other thing that annoys you.
- >Not only do the non-magical horses act as equals.
- >But everyone insists on calling you your filthy muggle name.
- >Tom.
- "GO AWAY! I'm busy!"
- >You peek through the hole in your wall.
- >She's leaving, her ears plastered to her skull, and her tail tucked beneath her.
- >You go back inside, and finish off your apple.
- >You decide to have a cup of tea whilst you still have the time.
- >At least THESE pones drink proper tea, like a proper Lord, and not that filthy muck they drink in 'Canterlot'.
- >By the time you've finished brewing it, you've calmed down.
- >A bit.
- >Well...
- >Okay, not much. You still want to kill all the dirt pones.
- >But you wouldn't hurt them in the process.
- >Maybe a cruciatus here or there.
- >You'd let the orange tree kicker go though.
- >She gave you apples, and didn't try to talk too much.
- >Another knock at the door
- "INCENDIO!"
- >Flames spew from your wand, burning the entire front wall of your house to a crisp.
- >You'll repair it later.
- >Magic is might.
- >And awesome.
- >Fluttershy stands there.
- >Such a stupid pone.
- >She keeps trying to make you love her.
- >She doesn't understand you can't love, not after your horcruxes.
- "Go away. I am in no mood to deal with your adventures today."
- >F "Is... Is the wand of destiny your fetish?"
- >Wait
- >What?
- >How the fuck did she get that?
- "How, by Merlin's testicles, did you get that?"
- >F "Umm... Well... *mumblemumble*"
- >Sod it, it doesn't matter how she got it.
- >All that matters is you need it.
- "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
- >The green light hits her, and falls over. You grab the flying wand, and lift it to the sky.
- >A giant lightning bolt descends, crashing into you, like one of those filthy muggle contraptions.
- >F "I... is that a yes, then, mister?"
- >Circe's cunt! You'd forgotten.
- >The killing curse doesn't work on pones.
- >Apparently, they don't have souls.
- >They're like gingers in that way.
- >Damned pones.
- >Damned Weasleys.
- >Damned Potter.
- "Yes. I suppose it is. Now go away. I have countries to conquer!"
- >F "N...not if I tell the princess on you!"
- >Well. She has a point.
- >The pretty pone princess probably wouldn't like you killing all the dirt pones.
- "What would it take for you to not tell her?"
- >...
- >You decide her deal might just be worth it.
- >Even if you have to spend the rest of the day
- >Fucking Fluttershy
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