Inside, the party was raging. But out in the backyard, it was quiet. The dim lights and the soft breeze, combined with cheap alcohol, took you away. You were no longer in college party, you were in some secret garden meant for two lovers to find each other, away from law, death or sorrow. Except today, it wasn´t two lovers on the garden. It was just a guy who loved a girl, and a girl who couldn´t make up her mind.
She was looking at her feet, her brown hair covering her face, all to avoid his eyes. Those brown eyes that she had never seen like these. She had seen the sad eyes, the happy eyes, the shamed eyes and the angry eyes. She had never seen these kind of eyes on him.
He stood one head taller than her, looking into the lamp light. He wanted her badly, he wanted to hug her and tell her how much he loved her. He wanted to softly push the brown hair from her face, dry her tears and kiss her slowly. But he did none of that.
He was shaking, out of cold, anger and fear at the same time. He looked at her, a tiny girl with a heart of gold, the kindest person he would ever meet. The same girl that made him want to be a better student, a better writer and a better person.  That same girl stood her right now, asking him to love her.
How could he love her though? Two years they had known each other, and he’d loved her for one year and three hundred and sixty-four days. They had been friends, lovers and friends again, and he loved her through all of it. He loved her when she loved him back and loved her when she hated her. But right now, he didn´t love her. Not like before anyway.
Her soft voice brought him back from the depths of his mind.
-	Say something. Please.
He looked at her. She wasn´t crying anymore. She had pushed back her hair and her lovely almond eyes stared at him. Once again he felt the urge to hold her, pick her up and run away with her. Once again, he resisted. He opened his mouth but no words came out. He looked away from her, he could never tell her what he needed to say as long as those eyes were on him.
Finally, he found courage. He took a deep breath and turned around. She was looking at her feet once more. He knew there was no going back, once he said it, it would be over. All those days with her. The movies, the laughs, the fun, all gone.
-	Y-You don´t know what you want- he muttered awkwardly.
Beginning to speak was hard. It had taken most of him to tell her just that. He didn´t think he had anything left to say the rest. But it was easier. Once he started speaking, everything made sense. He realized he was doing the right thing. And despite how much he loved her, he still had to do the right thing.
-	You don´t know what you want- he repeated before she had a chance to make him change his mind.
-	You think you do but you don´t. You want us to be like one of those couple in the movies. Where they meet and fall in love, but because of bad timing or whatever they can´t be together, so they each go their separate ways and trick themselves into thinking they are okay without the other. But then ten or twenty years later the find each other in some place neither of them were supposed to be. Maybe the both went to the new Korean market for the first time, maybe they both decided to travel to Budapest, maybe they just found each other on facebook. But they found each other again, because they are soulmates. So they decide to have dinner, to catch up. They meet and have the most amazing night, and they fall in love again. They remember every day together as if it was yesterday, and the can´t stay away from the other. But one of them is married, or engaged, to some asshole who doesn´t care for her. So the other one leaves and gets drunk and tell his sad story to a random stranger or his best friend. After a bottle a whisky his listener grabs him by the shoulder and tells him “You have to tell her how you feel”, or “You’ll regret for the rest of your life if you let her go”, or something of the like. So the guy looks for her, maybe shows up at her wedding and tells her how much he loves her. She starts to cry and tells him it’s too late. He walks away, but she calls for him and he turns around. They run into each other’s arms and kiss. It’s a kiss like none of them have ever had. She calls of the wedding and everyone is happy. Except the poor asshole groom, but no one cares for him.
He paused. He was out of air, his breath was accelerated and his heart was jumping out of his chest. The world was moving, everything was different now. He was no longer in a secret garden with the love of his life. He was in some random guy’s backyard with his ex-girlfriend, while his girlfriend and his friends were inside having a good time. She started to say something, and he stopped her. If she spoke, he could never continue.
-	Is that what you want? Do you want us to keep coming back to each other until one time, finally, everything is right and we can be together forever? Do you want us to meet one day in the future and fall in love over again? Is that it? Is everything we do now just the prologue to our love story which has not yet begun? Do you want me to be the guy who rescues you from marrying someone you did not love? Or do you want me to be the other one, who was so afraid to end up alone that decided to marry some shallow selfish girl? Frankly, I don´t want to be either.
She was crying now. He could hear her sobbing while she hid her face. But he wasn´t done. He needed to finish it.
-	 I have loved you since I met you, and I love you still. But I love Naomi too. And she hasn´t asked me to wait for the right timing. She hasn´t told me that the moment just isn´t right for us to be together. She hasn´t told me that we should be together, only in the future. She isn´t living in some fairy tale, waiting for everything in the world to be perfect before she can have love. She is living now. Yeah, the world isn´t perfect. And there are things that make it hard for us to be together. But she wants to make things right together. And maybe she isn´t the love of my life. Maybe we will break up in six months or a year. And maybe you are right, maybe we will end up together in ten years, after we both reach for the last carton of milk or something. But I refuse to live my life waiting for that moment, I refuse to believe that everything happening now is just meant to lead us there.
So please, stay away from me. Because I love you, but I want to be with her. Because I can´t wait for every time you decide it’s the right time for us and then drop everything. When I first told you how I felt, you said you liked me too but you didn’t want to be with me and asked me not to hate you. And I didn´t, because I got it. But then you said I should see other people and I did. And then you said you should have been with me when you had the chance so I left everything to be with you. And it didn´t work and you hated me. And I was so alone, but I still loved you, despite you avoiding me. And when I started dating Naomi and you wanted to be friends again I thought everything would be alright. But now you are asking me to do it all over again, and I can´t. I’m sorry, but I just can´t do this anymore.
So he turned around and walked away from her. He headed inside, where his friends and Naomi would greet him and asked him where he’d been. And he would smile and tell them he’d just needed some air, and he felt better than ever. He looked back one last time, and saw and empty backyard, unkempt and disheveled, with a broken lamp. A girl stood in the middle of it, with her back to him. He looked away and went inside.