Internal Monologue

Scene: A single desk illuminated by a single spotlight. The rest of the stage is dark. LOGIC sits at the desk working on a computer. A book is also open nearby; LOGIC is presently looking it over. As the curtain rises a red spotlight shines onto LIBIDO, who's standing nearby. Standing in the darkness with no illumination are ANGST and GRUDGE.

LOGIC: Okay…just another couple of pages. Um…Assyria next.
LIBIDO (walking out of her spotlight and into the illumination of the central light) Hey there, hot stuff. What'cha doing tonight? Hopefully something fun for once.
LOGIC: No, just researching the Gordian knot.
LIBIDO: (lasciviously – though she's always salacious, unless she's being pouty) Well, well. I know all about knots. So many ways to use them…
LOGIC: You could tell Alexander about that.
LIBIDO: (leaning forward) Ooh, who's Alexander? I didn't know you played for that team.
LOGIC: (diffidently) He's pretty great.
[LIBIDO leans forward, her elbows on LOGIC's desk.]
LIBIDO: Well, if you're going to be fooling around with this Alexander guy, you'll need a warm-up. (Reaching over to caress LOGIC's cheek) Nobody likes a 2-pump chump. I'll make you into a real winner. I know all about what boys like.
LOGIC: (stiffly) It'd be a pyrrhic victory, I'm sure.
LIBIDO: Pyrrhic?
LOGIC: It's where you win, but really you've lost in the end.
LIBIDO: (perching sensually on the end of LOGIC's desk): You like that kind of thing, huh? Getting so turned around you don't know which way is up?
[Abruptly, FACEBOOK enters stage right, feet pounding and arms waving]
FACEBOOK: (shouting) You have a notification! I bet someone said something really personal about you on that status you posted!
LOGIC: I'll…check it later.
LIBIDO: (standing up excitedly to address FACEBOOK) Ooh.  What if it's from from Mr. Alexander?
FACEBOOK: (running towards LOGIC's desk and still shouting) It probably totally is! Probably posted on that poetry quote you made and if you don't reply you'll look like an asshole! (pause) Oh! Oh! Oh! You've got a message, too! (leaning down to shout in Logic's ear) Neeeew messsaaaaage!
LIBIDO: Check it! This could be your big break!
FACEBOOK: And the notification! The notification!
LOGIC: It couldn't possibly be that important right this se-
FACEBOOK: Shut it, you! Nobody asked you! Just look! Look, look, look! Besides, there's probably like a thousand interesting and relevant things in your news feed!
LIBIDO: And taking a break to surf some other sites couldn't hurt either…
LOGIC: (making an effort to focus on the papers on his desk) Some. Other. Time.
FACEBOOK: I bet Shelly's replied to that group invitation by now! You can see whether or not you should go to the Philosophy Club meeting!
LIBIDO: (Glancing at FACEBOOK with annoyance and talking a little louder and more pointedly) And if she does, you could bring her here…
LOGIC: Hmm…
FACEBOOK: Oh! Ohh!! These ten astonishing reactions to domestic violence will give you hope for humanity!
LOGIC: (with a sigh) I bet.
[FACEBOOK starts to simply alternate between saying "notification" and "new message" in a loud voice]
LIBIDO: (stomping around the desk to stand directly in front of it) Don't listen to him, boy! I'm all you really need! Just forget about that stupid paper and come here. Now!
LOGIC: Ugh! That's it!
[LOGIC brings a smartphone out of his pocket and turns it off, at which point Facebook slumps to the ground, motionless. The lights abruptly go out. Libido moves off to the side in the darkness and stands motionlessly facing the audience. A single blue light shines onto ANGST, who is standing off to the opposite side. All the other actors freeze while ANGST walks over to LOGIC, and bends to whisper in his ear.]
ANGST: Psst. Hey. (normal voice) Remember that time when you were 10 and you fell off the risers during the school's music recital? I bet everyone still remembers that. They're judging you for it. Even to this day you're still That Kid That Fell off the Risers.
[LOGIC groans and puts his face in his hands. ANGST exits stage right. Lights come back on. ]
LOGIC: I can't believe I still remember that. Why can I remember that and not things about Napoleon? Well, anyway…forget about that. It doesn't matter. Just need to keep working. Almost done.  [Mouse click sound effect] Oh, hell, wrong icon…
VIDYA enters stage right, carrying a sword and panting. He casually steps over FACEBOOK's prone form.
VIDYA: My lord! Where have you been? While you left the castle abandoned the enemy came and started slaughtering us like chattel! We need your commands immediately!
LOGIC: Look, uh, just try to hold the line. I'll be around later.
VIDYA: Later? Later?  What am I to tell the wives? The children – nay, the orphans? Shall I be the one to walk to the sickbay and tell the suffering that you simply can't be bothered? [he thrusts the sword's hilt repeatedly at LOGIC.] Take up the blade, my lord! Adventure awaits! Slay the enemy and avenge the fallen!
LOGIC: No, uh, no, I don’t think so. Not now. Tell them that I’ll avenge them a hundredfold.
VIDYA: Avenge them now, my liege! Think of the fun you’ll have hewing limbs and kicking testicles! [He appears to see something on the screen and wrestles REASON’s arm for control of the computer mouse] Stop it! Don’t! You don’t want to ‘quit’, you want to ‘resume!’
[Mouse click sound; VIDYA collapses next to FACEBOOK.]
REASON: Sheesh. Let’s review the assignment…
FACEBOOK:[springing to his feet] Are you opening your browser? That’s my cue! [FACEBOOK seizes LOGIC’s cheeks and forces him to look at something on the screen] Look at that! Look! Four notifications! Four!
LOGIC: Good God, fuck off!
[Mouse click]
FACEBOOK: Ha! You clicked the tab! You really want to see! So just look already! See? What’s that? Scroll down and look! And that too! Hey! Two messages? You’re behind! Way behind! [A click, and FACEBOOK abruptly collapses to the ground again]
LOGIC: Not today.
[Red light shines onto LIBIDO and GRUDGE]
GRUDGE: You know who’s a real asshole? Jacob. Always shouting dumb shit at you down the halls in high school. Am I the only one who remembers that prick? God, if I had 5 minutes alone with him I’d rearrange his face so hard…
LIBIDO: What do you think, honey boy? You can spend five minutes stewing with this guy or you can spend five minutes entertaining me…
LOGIC: I just want to spend five minutes alone! Just let me work!
GRUDGE: Hey, fuck off, man! Let me tell you about Trent. That douche who was always jerking your chain around.
LIBIDO: The one with the really hot girlfriend.
GRUDGE: Yeah, hey, listen to this bitch! She’s got the right idea. Wanna get back at him? Go through his girl!
LOGIC: That was eight years ago. Let it go, man!
GRUDGE: Never! Until he’s brought low and begging for mercy and apologizing and all that shit, I’m going to keep reminding you about him. Revenge. Revenge!
LIBIDO: There’s always Carisa, too…speaking of revenge. You could take it out on her as slowly and as sensually as you wanted. [LIBIDO leans forward] She’d want it too. You know what happened after you two [air quotes] “broke up”.
GRUDGE: That’s right. Yeah! Wrap her around your finger. You could finally tell her all that golden material I’ve been supplying you with.
LIBIDO: Oh, what kind of golden material would that be?
GRUDGE: You know, about how her mother’s a delusional nutcase, or her dad’s a pasty wimp.
LOGIC: [tersely] Argumentum ad hominem.
GRUDGE: [backhanding the book off of the table] Fuck all that shit! Don’t you wonder if she even thinks about you anymore? Make her remember. Make her hurt for it!
LIBIDO: [Aside] Or at least turn things around so that she doesn’t know if she’s hurting or not…
GRUDGE: Well, well, forget Carisa. What about Andrew? He wouldn’t ever shut up. Ever!
[LOGIC snaps. He groans loudly and swivels in his chair to look LIBIDO and GRUDGE head on.]
LOGIC: Now listen here, you two! [He turns to address the backstage darkness] And all the rest of you, too! I don’t have time for all your problems! Just! Go! Away! [He clenches his fists and turns to GRUDGE and LIBIDO again. The both of them look on, unimpressed.
LIBIDO: You didn’t really think that would work, did you, dear?
GRUDGE: That was a mere spark next to the pyre of my eternal resentment!
LOGIC: [sinking back into his chair] Then what can I do? I just want to get this over with…
LIBIDO: Pft. Never mind your silly Alexander, your unbreakable Pyrrhic knot. [She stretches languidly] Come and tarry awhile. I will not be triumphed over.
LOGIC: [perking up] Wait a minute. Say that again.
LIBIDO: What? I will not be triumphed over?
LOGIC: Yes! That’s a quote from Cleopatra!
LIBIDO: Ooh. What a rare compliment from you, to be compared to—
LOGIC: Hang on! You remember that?
LIBIDO: Of course. It’s interesting to me, so of course I remember…
GRUDGE: Yeah! Like for me, I’ve got, er, ‘an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind,’ not that it really applies to our situation…
LOGIC: And that’s what Gandhi said!
GRUDGE: Sure, uh, right. Whatever.
[LOGIC springs up from his chair and hurries over to the prone forms of FACEBOOK and VIDYA. He kicks them awake.]
LOGIC: Get up! Get up!
FACEBOOK: [unfazed by being kicked] About time you came around! Ready to check those messages?
LOGIC: No! Quick! Tell me something you remember!
FACEBOOK: I remember that if you don’t look at your notifications you’ll be left behind when the train leaves for Cool Kid City…
LOGIC: Farther back. Farther than that!
FACEBOOK: Uh, the time that Katey told you about second- versus third-wave feminism?
LOGIC: Yes! Give me more!
FACEBOOK: That party that you got invited to that you never went to?
LOGIC: No! Back! Back!
FACEBOOK: When Yuya was tutoring you on various verb clauses and forms and when to use them?
LOGIC: Now we’re talking. Useful information! Give me useful information!
FACEBOOK: [coming more to his senses] I’ll tell you what’s useful: the fact that you’ve got about nine thousand messages that you need to look at right now!
LOGIC: Aw, whatever. You! [VIDYA gets kicked again] What can you tell me about the ancient world?
VIDYA: [sitting up] Well, that’s easy. Er, a gladius was a kind of broadsword, a type of weapon used in the ancient Roman coliseums. Only the GLADIATOR and PUGILIST classes can equip it. It has an ATTACK stat of 3, an ACCURACY stat of 4 and a MORTALITY stat of 8. Compared to the trident, a three-pronged spear, which has an ATTACK stat of 4, and ACCURACY stat of 2 and a MORTALITY stat of 3, it’s a superior weapon, except for the fact that LEGIONAIRES can equip the TRIDENT and they have the native PHALANX ability, which gives them boosts to—
LOGIC: Aha. Yes, very good, thank you. [Looking around] I think I’ve got a way that I can make this work…

[The curtain closes. When it rises again, all the characters are standing in a horizontal line, in order: LOGIC, LIBIDO, ANGST, FACEBOOK, VIDYA, GRUDGE.]

LOGIC: [steps forward] And now, for my viewing pleasure, we present: Facts and Figures of the Past: A Review of Notable Historical People and Events. [steps back]
LIBIDO: Cleopatra was a sex goddess. She lured in great men and twisted them around to her advantage. Mm. A real sterling example. [steps back]
ANGST: (flatly) The ancient Greeks were a noble society who made great advances in the fields of philosophy, medicine and science. (shrug, sigh) They’re most commonly remembered for committing acts of homosexual pedophilia. Typical… [steps back]
FACEBOOK: Helen of Troy took far too many selfies and annoyed people all the time by posting them on her timeline. Even so, she had at least a thousand friends, most of them lonely sailors who’d like and comment on her stuff constantly. She ignored them until they all tried to visit her place at once… (steps back)
VIDYA: Icarus was a NOVICE in the CRAFTSMAN class. He was the son of Daedalus, who had reached CRAFTING LEVEL 99. He attempted to craft WAXEN WINGS +1 but forgot to add the RESIST_HEAT attribute and died from fall damage.  (steps back)
GRUDGE: Brutus stabbed Caesar thirty fucking times in the back! He probably deserved it, the power-hungry prick! You know who else is a prick? Kenny! Wash the dishes once in a while, you fucking—
LOGIC: On topic! On topic! Thank you, Grudge.
[GRUDGE steps back]
LIBIDO: (stepping forward) The Gordian knot was said to be unbreakable. A mystery in an enigma, and whoever would untie it would rule the earth. (her breath heaving) Alexander lifted his hard, sharp sword and with a single stroke he cut it right down the middle. Ooh, Alex! (steps back, swooning)
LOGIC: Less classical now, if you please! Aaaand go!
ANGST:  The Chinese Grand Canal is the largest artificial canal in the world. It links the Yellow and Yangtze rivers and is considered a marvel of old-world engineering. (shoulders droop) The people who worked on it were so destitute that they were forced to eat grass to survive. (steps back)
FACEBOOK: Sho Tai was a regional Japanese ruler, and his domain was the autonomous Ryukyu Islands area at the southwest extremity of the country. He got a message from Tokyo officials that he was to join in the restored empire and abdicate his autonomy, and at first he tried to pretend that he hadn’t seen the message. The Tokyo officials, however, saw the “seen” tag beneath their message, and insisted. He said that he was sick and couldn’t make it to Tokyo – the government pretty much unfriended him at this point. So he blocked them.  Of course, the officials came and seized him anyway – can’t block real life, Tai! (steps back)
VIDYA: Leonardo da Vinci was an accomplished member of the TINKERER class and a master of the RENAISSANCE stage. His highest stat was CURIOSITY. However, low stats in PERSEVERANCE and TENACITY meant that many of his MASTERWORK BLUEPRINTs and WORLD-CHANGING IDEAs would remain unfinished and undiscovered. He also appeared in Assassin’s Cree—
LOGIC: Yes, thank you! Next, please!
GRUDGE: When Jack the Ripper  was set loose on the streets of London, everyone quaked in their boots! He’d rip and tear prostitutes in back alleys, and nobody ever found him! He’ll be coming for you next, ladies!
LOGIC: Okay, that’s enough, everyone. Hmm… [He moves to sit at his computer and looks over the screen.] I think that this is enough. Sending it in now…

[The curtains close. When they rise again, LOGIC is seated at his computer, peering intently at the screen. LIBIDO is standing nearby.]
LOGIC: Eighty-nine percent…B plus. “Good content and ideas, excessive profanity, meandering writing style, disturbing sexual overtones.”
LIBIDO: Disturbing? Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet.
[curtains close, exeunt, cut it, print it, burn it.]