Living With Colgate: An Adorable Psychopath

>You’re now starting your second week of sharing a home with Colgate.
>The experience so far has been great.
>Yeah, it means she doesn’t let you go to bed without brushing your teeth, and yeah, it means she wakes you up at five in the morning every day. You also have to endure some occasional criticism of your less than admirable lifestyle.
>The house has a perpetual scent of toothpaste. She shows no understanding of boundaries. She throws away any sugary food or drinks you bring home. Her STUPID pet rat has made your sock drawer its permanent residence; on more than one occasion you have considered farting on her toothbrush for revenge.
>But you have no complaints. Colgate really appreciates you, and you really appreciate her. Somehow, you both get along flawlessly.
>”Rise and shine, Anon!” a familiar voice pulls you away from your dreams of soda. “Don’t look at me like that. If you didn’t want me to wake you up, you should have invested in an alarm clock.”
“…Rem-“ you pause to yawn. “Remind me, Colgate, why I have to get up at the break of dawn with you every day.”
>”Because everyone needs some discipline. You should start joining me on my morning runs, too!”
“In the middle of January? There’s three feet of snow outside!” You give an accusatory glare. “I’ve never seen you go on a morning run.”
>”Maybe that’s because I have nobody to run with.”
>Without warning, Colgate’s horn glows bright blue and she throws your blankets across the room.
>”Now, get up! - Anon, you’re naked.”
“WELL, sorry for expecting the most basic amount of privacy! Stop staring. I’m getting up.”
>”Looks like you’re already ‘up’.”
>You physically grab her, carry her to the door, and throw her out into the hallway.
“It’s too early for this shit.”
>Fucking Colgate.

>When you enter the kitchen, fully clothed, you’re surprised to see not only Colgate, but Spike the dragon there, also.
>He clutches a small stack of papers and photographs in his clawed hand, which disappear in a flash of green flame. Colgate beams and hands him a big shiny gemstone.
>”Excellent job, Spike. Remember: Not a word to anypony.”
>He winks and skips out of the building. Colgate smiles innocently.  You decide it’s better to not ask any questions.
>”Morning, Annie. Why is your finger bleeding?”
“Your rat bit me.”
>She only giggles. ”Winston needs to gnaw on things to take care of his teeth. It’s a rodent thing.”
“What about making a nest out of my socks. Is that a rodent thing?”
>”Sock nests are more common than you’d think.”
>It’s clear you’re not going to get through to her, so you change the subject.
“Colgate, how would you like to go out for breakfast this morning? I know a place.”
>”Really? That’s a great idea, Anon. I’d love to!”

>The sun is beginning to peek over the horizon by the time you and Colgate arrive at Sugarcube Corner, and ponies are already beginning to brave the cold air to enjoy some sunshine. Three young fillies are taking advantage of their day off of school by building a snow pony nearby.
“This is it!”
>Colgate shivers and pulls her scarf tight. ”What’s it?”
”This bakery. Sugarcube Corner. This is where we’re eating.”
>Colgate’s eyes widen as her pupils shrink to pinpricks. “Is this some kind of sick joke?”
“Joke? ‘Course not. Let’s get some muffins or something.”
>You pull her along behind you and through the front doors of the giant cupcake building.
>As soon as you enter Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie pops up to greet you with a tray of baked goods. “Heya, Anon! Hi, Colgate! Care to sample a free apple fritter on the house? It’s my treat!”
“Thanks, Ponk!”
>You take one, but Colgate recoils. “How much sugar is in one of those?”
>Pinkie’s mouth hangs open, and she stares at the ceiling in thought. “Hmm… uhh… LOTS! That’s what makes them so SWEET!”
>Colgate slaps the fritter out of your hand, prompting a “HEY!” from Pinkie Pie.
>“You can’t seriously be thinking about eating that!”
“Well, no. It’s on the floor now.”
>Colgate rolls her eyes and lets out a heavy sigh. “Do you guys even know what sugar can do to your teeth?”
>Pinkie smiles smugly. “They’re not my recipes, sweetheart. Take it up with the manager.”
>Colgate’s eyes narrow. “Are you patronizing me? We’ll see who has the last laugh. You don’t know who you’re dealing with.”
>”You are the one who does not know who she is dealing with!” Pinkie retorts.
>Colgate huffs and drags you back outside into the snow. She sniffles.
“Catching a cold?”
>”You know I’m too healthy to catch colds. Listen, Anon. I know we’re roommates, and pretty much best friends, but I still need to know you’re on my side here. Are you with me, or Pinkie Pie?”
“There’s no way I’m getting involved in any of-“
>”Great! I knew I could count on you. Wait here a minute.” Colgate teleports away in a bright flash of magic sparkles.
>Your socks are getting wet. The three fillies who built the snow pony are now passing time by pelting you with snow balls. You give them the one finger salute, but the message is lost in translation.
>With another flash, Colgate is back with a collection of crudely prepared picket signs and a megaphone. She gives you one of the signs.
“What are we doing? Can we just go get breakfast?”
>”Anon, we’re fighting fire… with FIRE!” Colgate grins maliciously. “Not literally, though. We’re going to protest!”
>You take a look at some of the slogans she’s written on the picket signs. “THANK CELESTIA FOR DIABETES”, “CELESTIA HATES EQUESTRIA”, “YOU’RE GOING TO TARTARUS”, etc.
“Colgate, these are really offensive. Also, not really related to why we’re picketing.”
>Colgate scrunches her nose and sniffs again. She starts waving her sign in the air.
>”But they’re provocative! Ponies are talking about it!”
“Who? Who’s talking about it?”
>”You are!”
>”I am!” exclaims Spike, who has just shown up on the scene.
“Not ponies.”
>”Besides, my victory was determined long before the battle began. Spike and I made sure of that, didn’t we?” Colgate repeatedly winks at Spike until he catches on.
>”We sure did- OW!” Colgate smacks Spike in the back of his head. “Uh, I mean… Colgate had nothing to do with it!”
“What did you do?”
>Colgate leans in close to whisper into your ear. “This morning, I sent an angry letter directly to Princess Celestia, demanding a prohibition on sugar! Also, I blackmailed her so there’s no way she can refuse!”
“You blackmailed Princess Celestia? Are you insane?”
>You already know the answer.
>”Calm down, Annie. I was smart enough to send the letter anonymously! I completely covered my tracks. It was all anonymous!”
>Perfectly on cue, a huge ball of energy materializes in front of you, slowly revealing the form of Princess Celestia herself. Bolts of lightning shoot out of her in every direction and her eyes glow with a powerful fury.
>”HUMAN! YOU WOULD DARE THREATEN ME, THE GREAT RULER OF THIS LAND?”
>You frozen to the spot, either telekinetically, or just by the fear of being vaporized at any given second.
“I-I’m innocent!”
>”INNOCENT?” Celestia considers this for a moment. Her eyes stop glowing, and she stops setting thatched roofs ablaze with lightning. “Innocent? How do you explain this:”
>Celestia shows you the hoof-written letter she received. The untidy, nearly illegible scrawl is undoubtedly Colgate’s.

“Dear Princess Celestia,

You are not fit to lead.
How does you justify letting anypony with a sweet tooth wander into just about any food vendor and purchase SUGARY items without knowing the health cost. How can you stand by while tooth decay, cavities, and rotting gum disease PLAGUE your nation? (Enclosed are many graphic images of rotting gum disease.)
I propose a strict BAN on sugar. Anypony opposing this injunction will be banished. Before you deny my request, you should know that I have video evidence of you EATING A CAKE. You have 24 hours before I leak this footage and reveal you for the CAKE ADDICT that you are.
Eat a dick,
anonymous”

>You would try to explain that ‘From anonymous’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘From Anonymous’ but you’re worried that might provoke more rage.
“Perhaps someone forged it!”
>Colgate speaks up, as cheerful as ever. “Why don’t you ask Spike who sent the letter?”
>Celestia turns her intimidating gaze on the tiny little dragon. “Spike. Did Anon send this letter through you?”
>”Yep! Absolutely! That is what happened!”
>Celestia is still deep in thought. She turns to you slowly.
>”I have decided…” she hesitates, still deciding. “I have decided you are guilty!”
>Shit.
>Who would have guessed your life would end like this?
>”BUT!” Celestia exclaims. “I will spare your life. I have had my eye on you for some time, human. I have noticed over 900% of your regular income is donated to charity in your name. For these acts of great generosity, I will let you live… this time.”
>The alicorn teleports away, and ponies carry on with their small talk and recreational activities.
>You’re sweating, short of breath, and possibly even empty-bladdered after that encounter.
>Your flat-mate, Colgate, on the other hand, smiles casually and gives you a little peck on the cheek.
“You’re a psychopath, Colgate.”
>She sneezes, confirming more than one of your suspicions.
“An adorable psychopath.”