LtD 49-53

>>Chapter 49 - Part 1
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>Title: A Talent duel!
But nobody has talent here.
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> I forgot this, this is what Dali looks like,
Just in case you feel like staring into the maws of insanity.
http://i1094.photobucket.com/albums/i456/kurtisawsome/Newcharacter-1.png
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> It's to early to be up! Stupid nightmare, its the same one every time.
Which is…?
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> I shook my head and walked out of the bathroom.
Oh, you’re not even going to say what it was. Ok.
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> I opened one of the saddlebags and shifted through its contents, "Hmmm, we have some bread, jam, hay, some daises, and some cookies. For drinks, we have lemonade, milk, orange juice, and my favorite, coke."
Just how big are your saddlebags?
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> My mouth watered slightly at the mention of coke. Omnius had given me enough coke to last a while. Gotta love that guy.
You still have coke? How much did Omnius had on him, it’s not as if he was carrying crates full of six-packs. And speaking of Omnius, when did he leave? What happened to him?
Actually, I don’t want to know, I’m glad he’s gone.
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> She became sheepish,
You mean she suddenly got fluffy? Ponies can do that?
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> "Could I try a coke?"
Oh, boy. She’s asking for the one thing that means something to Lance, since we’ve already established he couldn’t care less about Twilight at this point.
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> I rubbed my chin, "Well, for you, yes."
Sharing something so scarce and so special to you with Deela is far more meaningful than anything you’ve done with Twilight.
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> As we ate, she looked up, "So, where are we going today?"
Lance said you were possibly staying here for weeks, so there must be something he wanted to do in Manehattan.
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> I smiled, "I have no idea, we'll just follow the crowds."
Or not.
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> Three hours later, city park
Hey, did the storm end? The one that was far stronger than anyone you remembered? Did that have any effect on the city? No? Ok, just wanted to check.



>>Chapter 49 - Part 2
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> We was at the city park, just exploring. And the same damn kids kept running past us, almost hitting Dali every time.
Why not take her to a museum? You could also take her to an art gallery, or to the theatre, or to a concert. Or any of the places there are in a city in which there’s no risk of other ponies running into Deela?
I mean. Yeah, kids are annoying, but it’s a God damned park, it’s obvious that there’s going to be colts and fillies running around.
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> God help me if they touch her! (NOT IN THAT WAY!!!)
WE ALREADY KNOW THAT YOU DIMWITTED PRICK.
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> I don't care if they're kids, I'm going to scare the shit out of them with my eyes and evil voice!
So, you’re going to punish, and probably traumatize, some innocent kids for doing things kids normally do, and in the process hurting someone they couldn’t have known they were hurting?
And we’re supposed to root for you?
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> Remember, if a pony touches Dali, with the exception of me, she will go into a state of depression and take it as if she had been raped. Like I said, her culture is strange.
You know what’s stranger? That you took her to one of the most densely populated cities in Equestria.
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> One of them stood up, a brown one, "Oh come on mister, why would you block that? We're playing a game." The second one, a light tan one, jumped up, "Yeah! Its call, 'knock down the mares'."
Oh, I get it. You write the colts as even bigger assholes, so it’s alright that Lance acts like a douchebag towards them and still act self-righteous.
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> Dali walked up, "Thank you Lance, for looking out for me."
Even though you kind of have to, since you invited me here, and everything..



>>Chapter 49 - Part 3
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> I shrugged, "Its nothing, you are my best friend after all." She smiled happily, "And you are my best friend."
It’s called “show, don’t tell”, Kickass222urmom. You’re supposed to show us why they became friends, and why they’re still friends. Just have them say “we’re best friends” doesn’t make it real.
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> I turned and looked at the one pony I hated more than anything, Trixie. "What the hell do you want?"
Why do you hate her? Why don’t you hate Dave for making you pay hundreds and hundreds of bits for his stuff? Why don’t you hate Greg for kicking you in the nuts, stealing and destroying your wedding suit, or Rainbow Dash and Luna for trying to rape you? Why the hell do you hate Trixie so much when she hasn’t done anything to you?
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> Trixie smiled in a way that made me want to buck (That means kick! Not the other meaning!) her in the face
Why would we ever think that? It’s clear that you hate her for whatever reason, why would we think that you want to have sex with her?
I think Kickass222urmom’s repressed sexuality is seeping more and more into the story, there’s already been three lame sex puns and we’re not even a thousand words into the story.
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> Something in me snapped, something that I've tried to keep down for all those years.
She literally just came and made a snarky comment that carried no inherent malice on it. And it’s her right to ask for an apology, you were a raging asshole last night at her show.



>>Chapter 49 - Part 4
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For the sake of it, I’m going to analyse Lance’s entire rant.
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> "That is fucking it! You stupid fucking bitch!
Screaming and insulting is the best way to make sure your point comes across as sane and sound, just ask any Anon here!
>When will you give up this fucking act!
Maybe that’s the way she truly is and she just uses that for her shows. How do you know it’s an act? You’ve only known her from that one episode of the show.
>Your just a bitch that thinks shes all that! You talk in third fucking person and that is the most annoying thing I have ever heard!
Lance hasn’t been paying attention to anything that has happened up until this point.
>As for your fucking bitch talent at magic, its a fucking load of crap!
How? She may not be an ultra-powerful unicorn, but she’s excellent at stage magic and showmanship, which is what her talent is all about.
>Your just a fucking poser who can't deal with her fucking life!
I know he doesn’t realise this, but that sentence could apply to him as well.
>I would rather rip off my legs than talk to you!
I’d gladly rip off your legs than talk to you.
>I fucking hate you! Why?!
Will we finally know why Lance chose to channel his rage in Trixie instead of every other person that wronged him?
>Because your a fucking bitch who thinks she's all that, but is really just a fucking whore with nothing to lose!"
Again, this can apply to you as well, Lance.
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> I think I just unleashed all of my anger and emotions in one rant.
You mean like you just said you were going to do?
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> Dali looked shocked, "Wow, I didn't know you had it in you."
“Seeing how my character has been portrayed so far, one would expect me to be cowering in fear due to your outburst, but those people would be wrong, because Kickass222urmom can’t keep characterization constant for more than one chapter.”



>>Chapter 49 - Part 5
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> Trixie regained her composer, "Well, Trixie is not affected by your harsh words."
You know? I’m sure she could easily call the cops on Lance. He has been attacking her unprovoked since yesterday.
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> Trixie smirked, "How about this. I challenge you to a duel of talent! We will perform on stage, in front of a huge crowd! We will show off our best talent and let the crowd decide who's the best. The loser must leave town and never return!"
Did Kickass222urmom predict “Magic Duel” a full year in advance?
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> "The loser must also give up the thing they love most. Since your going to lose, your going to have to give up your beloved Twilight Sparkle."
Oh, come on. That doesn’t make sense. Is that even legal? Are you going to get them divorced if he can’t win a petty contest? And there’s no way that Lance is going to put Twilight on the li—
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> “Your fucking on”
Right, I forgot women are just commodities.
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> All I need is my guitar, which Twilight can easily teleport it to me.
“Hey, Twi, I betted you against Trixie, could you send me my guitar?”
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> Let's hope Peter's lessons pay off.
Hopefully last time wasn’t a fluke, and we won’t get another copypasted song.
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> I spotted Dali, way in the back, away from the crowd. She waved happily. I smiled as I gained back my confidence.
She’s had more meaningful interaction with you in two chapters than Twilight in almost fifty.
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Well, what do you know? It ‘was’ a fluke. He just copypasted a Greenday and a Creed song. I’d tell you which, but it’s not as if they matter to the story.
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> I only know one more song by heart. "Okay, one more."
Oh, come on. What’s even the point of doing this? You might as well just link to a youtube video and be done.



>>Chapter 49 - Part 6
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> [This next song is a fan made song for the popular fanfic, 'Fallout: Equestria'. Just a little heads up.]
I can’t imagine the series of events that led up to this. Back when you were on Earth, you heard the song, memorized it, “died”, went to Equestria, lived all of your stupid adventures, learned how to play the guitar, somehow remembered the song despite all of that, and you were able to play it flawlessly at the duel?
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> Trixie ran out on stage and gawked at the crowd of ponies. "What?! You cheer for him?! He is a failure, he has not talent!"
Even though you are right, you are not the protagonist of this story, Trixie. Therefore, you don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
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> She glared evilly at me, "Fine! I will leave town!" I shook my hoof at her, "Oh no, there was more. You must announce to all of Equestria that you are a fraud, and I recall you saying the loser had to give up the thing they loved most."
She’s already leaving town due to your dickatry. Lance.
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> I looked at her cape and hat, "Ummm, I like your cape and hat, give them to me."
While she did agree to those terms, you are being quite an ass about it.
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> I bowed again and picked up the cape and hat. I'm proud of myself.
Oh, I’m sure you are.
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> I went back stage and was meet with a smiling Dali, "Lance! You was amazing up there! I didn't know you played."
She didn’t know one of the few things Lance can do in which he’s not incompetent. They’re such good friends.
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> I put a hoof over her neck, "So, wanna mess around in town?
Yes. Just friends.
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> I heard they have a cool restaurant here."
Yes, one restaurant in all of Manehattan.
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> We walked around the stage and through the crowd, all of them parting for me and Dali. Tonight was already turning into a fun night. Oh yeah!
Let’s s see whose life we can destroy now!



>>Chapter 50 - Part 1
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> One week later
Apparently, not even Kickass222urmom was capable of filling another chapter with Lance and Deela meandering through Manehattan
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> I slumped down on my haunch's and allowed Dali to slide off my back.
Trains, carriages and airships. They are ways of transportation created with the purpose of making travelling easy so that you don’t have to do exactly what you are doing right now.
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> We laughed and joked around as we walked towards my house. When we was at the door, I smirked, "Best idea ever!"
This idea doesn’t include Lance removing himself from the story, but rather just making Twilight believe he is Trixie by using her cape and hat. It is, sadly, the best idea anyone has had in this fic, comparatively speaking.
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> she became very serious, "Lance, do you know what tomorrow is?"
Something extremely important that wasn’t mentioned before?
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> Tomorrow is the day when all the mare's go into heat.
I… I don’t think I want to keep reading.
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> Every year, all the mare's go into heat for three days. During this period of time, they will mate with the first stallion they see, no matter who it is.
Then shouldn’t there be a more widespread knowledge about this? In the weeks building up to the date in which mares go into heat, everyone would take precautions. And don’t say that since it’s a periodical occurrence, everyone is used to it, that’s only more reason for everyone to get ready beforehand.
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> They lose all logical thinking and let their hormones control them.
This seems like the set up for a wacky clop-fic. Unfortunately, we are reading a terrible self-insert pseudo Slice of Life story. Therefore, one can only assume that the outcome won’t be pretty.



>>Chapter 50 - Part 2
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>"What about you? Will you be in heat?"
Well she’s pregnant, so her hormones will be all messed up. Certainly—
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> She nodded, "Yes, that's why I must ask you and your friends to leave. I don't know what I'll do if I get in heat and have a house full of stallions."
I understand why you’d want the rest of the guys to leave. But shouldn’t this be an occasion that you’d like to spend with your husband?
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> She though for a second, "Well, you can go to the library in Ponyville. It should be safe since everypony knows that I moved in with you."
Let me stop you right there. Is this going to be some stupid excuse for every mare in Ponyville to try to rape Lance & Co. and have no repercussions later in the story?
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> [Lance] turned to Dali, "Okay Dali, I want you to lock yourself in your house. I don't want you to get caught up in all of this."
“It’s totally normal for me to be more worried about you than my wife.”
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> Dali laughed and waved me off, "Don't worry about me. Where I'm from, we know how to handle our heat."
But women don’t go into heat. Well, from what I can gather, Deela must come from an ultra-conservative family, therefore she must be speaking about repressing her own sexuality, which is a sad thought.
Then again, knowing Kickass222urmom, he’s probably implying that Deela was already a horse before coming to Equestria.
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> I looked at [Dave and Greg], "Tomorrow is the day that all the mare's go into heat. It won't be pretty."
While they ‘could’ go camping to a remote location, staying in a single place, where everyone knows they are is the obvious choice.
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> I looked around at everyone. We had gathered the whole gang. Peter, David, Greg, Seth, Zorrow,
Yes, the gang of merry OC’s. I wonder what they’ve been up to.



>>Chapter 50 - Part 3
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> and Frederic, who didn't want to leave the palace but we made him.
Why not let him stay at the palace with his wife? He’ll be protected from other mares by the guards and the princesses; besides, he’s an alicorn now, I’m sure he can take whatever Luna throws his way.
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> Also, as we was walking into town, we noticed that every stallion had left, probably to hide till this was over.
One would think that there’d be at least one douche stallion that would try to make the best out of the situation.
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> But, we did run into one stallion, who would have been an open rape target if we hadn't told him about the mare's and their heat. He was lucky we let him stay here with us.
Right, because Deela wasn’t enough, you had to introduce yet another OC here.
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> His name was Drax, a black coated Pegasus
Let’s leave it at that, shall we?
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> I looked around again, "Huh, I feel like we forgot something, something important."
A plot that goes somewhere, characters with depth and clear arcs, proper pacing. Where do you want to begin?
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They spend the next paragraphs making puns. Horrible, horrible puns.
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>"LET ME IN! GUYS, I KNOW YOUR IN THERE! ITS ME, AARON, PLEASE OPEN UP!" Shouted a scared Aaron.
Boy, Louie and Malbatorus lucked out, they won’t be the target of rape by dozens of lusty mares.
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> I looked through the small opening in the door and saw Aaron being dragged away by four mares. He was kicking and screaming, but he couldn't break away from them. Poor bastard.
Women-on-men rape is hilarious.
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> I let out a loud scream. Because, looking in the window was Pinkie Pie.
Again, why did you think that hiding in Ponyville was a good idea?
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> Before anyone could answer, the screams of delight from outside could be heard. The mare's where at every window and door, trying to get in.
Yeah, you brought this to yourselves. If you wanted to be safe from the rape, you should have gone to a secluded place.



>>Chapter 50 - Part 4
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> I held up a hoof, "Calm down Frederic, all we need to is telepo..." His horn began to glow, "EVERY BRONY FOR THEMSELVES!" He suddenly disappeared with a flash of light.
Fred just abandoned his friends to a fate of sexual assault. Can’t say I blame him.
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> I shook my head, "No, we got Greg. Greg, teleport us to a safe location."
You are aware of Greg’s track record with spells. You should have had a better plan B before bunkering down.
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> I turned around to see that the library, and the large crowd of mare's, was right behind us.
Greg wants some, and he’s getting it one way or another.
Also, I’m getting sick of Kickass222urmom using apostrophes all the fucking time.
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> He rolled his eyes, "Well sorry, but I don't feel like using my magic right now."
“Yeah, our physical integrity is at stake. Pshhh… Whatevs.”
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> We all […] ran at full speed down the street. Drax was far ahead of us. Damn, we are out of shape!
A bunch of sleazebags that do nothing every day are in bad shape? Who would have thought.
But Lance has no excuse, he flies from Canterlot to Ponyville everyday, he should be ripped.
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> [Greg] looked at me, "I just noticed, why am I running from this? This is a once in a life time opportunity!" He stopped and turned towards the crowd, "Gang bang, here I come!"
I’m pretty sure horses also have STD’s, Greg. Not to mention paternity lawsuits and broken hips.
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> Night fall, four hours later
Apparently, Greg’s raw sexual prowess was enough to hold back every mare in Ponyville and let the others escape
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> Suddenly, the entire area was light up. I could hear Pinkie Pie's laugh from above. "I SEE A STALLION!"
It’s been four hours, why are you still in Ponyville?
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> David stopped and facehoofed, "I have wings! Fuck me, I'm so stupid!" He jumped up and began flying skyward...
Almost all of you have wings. Why the hell are you not halfway to another city right now?



>>Chapter 50 - Part 5
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> only to be slammed into by a colorful blur.
Well, at least he’s going to be violently raped by his girlfriend.
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> As they ran, a rope wrapped around Seth's back hoof and pulled him to the ground.
And once again, Zorrow won’t get Applejack.
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>"What the hell..." I started as a pink object landed on Zorrow.
I have to wonder, where are all the other stallions of Ponyville? Have all of them been dragged to the rape dungeons? Then again, it’s possible that Kickass222urmom just wanted to have an OCfest.
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> He began to thrash about, trying to get her off, "Help me!"
Please, they already let Aaron, Greg and Dave get kidnapped, why should they help you? They’re facing against Pinkie Pie, of all mares. They’ve already shown that they’re more interestend in their own—
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> I nodded and began to try and pull Pinkie Pie off of him. Peter and Drax ran up and began to help also.
Seriously? Is Zorrow worth your safety?
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> Pinkie Pie was laughing crazily, "This way girls! I found more stallions!"
What were all the other mares doing? Just standing around, forgetting that they were desperately searching for them two paragraphs ago?
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> Peter started slamming his head on the ground, "SCREWED! SCREWED! SCREWED!” I put a hoof on his shoulder, "No man, we're going..."
> Drax covered my mouth, "Quiet! They're coming out of the ally."
Sure, cover the mouth of the only one that isn’t screaming.
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> Frederic appeared, along with Princess Celestia and Luna. Frederic began running away, screaming out, "HELP!"
Seriously, Fred? Seriousl? They’re only two, and you’re an alicorn now. Get it together.
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> [Drax] yelled after us, "Run my friends! I'll keep them distracted for as long as I can!"
Yeah, how long can that actually be? You’re only one stallion, you can’t hold all of them back.



>>Chapter 50 - Part 6
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> We rounded a corner and Peter hung his head, "Why Drax? Why did it have to be him?"
Kickass222urmom had to characterize him somehow, so he had him sacrifice himself.
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> once we landed on the other side, a pink blur crashed into Peter and brought him to the ground.
Just how quick does Pinkie mate?
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> The door to the shed swung open and there stood a crowd of mare's. "I told you I saw one jump in here!" One exclaimed happily. Why me? What have I done to deserve this?
Nothing really, this is far too good for you.
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> Two days later, Lance's house
And there we go. Hopefully they’ll learn their lesson for next year, but I don’t think this will be mentioned ever again.
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> We all sat there, not knowing what to say.

> Greg walked in and laughed, he was the only one not effected by what happened, "Pussies."
Oh, Greg. We can always count on your mediocrity to barely diminish the overall shittiness of this fic.
…
Well. I’ve got to say. This was just as bad as I thought it would be, thankfully we were spared from any sex scene. In the end, I just have to wonder if Twilight didn’t send Lance to Ponyville so she could rut all of Canterlot.



>>Chapter 51 - Part 1
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>Title: Split Personality.
Well, I’ll be damned, Lance is finally going to snap.
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> The idea for this chapter came from Killjoy
Weird, I thought that you were perfectly capable of killing joy on your own.
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> A/N: Two new characters are being added in.
I think an empty look and a looming sense of despair is the only appropriate reaction at this point.
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>[Break will talk with the brackets and bold]
Uh… what?
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><Dawn will talk with those things and bold>
What are you talking about? Why are you doing this?
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>{And when I'm not talking out loud, I talk with those. Very confusing, I know.}
If you’ve come to the point where you have to use a gimmick just to differentiate a character, you have to step back and realise that you are a shitty writer.
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> Understand this first, and everything will make sense.
I doubt anything will make sense. I hope this is a one-off character like Omnius.
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>"[Twilight] set us up." I repeated. I then shook my head, "She couldn't even go into heat!"
Toldja. Then why did she send you away?
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> I looked around at Frederic and Luna's room. I had come here as soon as Twilight told me she had set us up. She and Pinkie had planned it! That sucks!
It’s a good thing that rape is funny and doesn’t leave any emotional scars; otherwise this would have been a horrible thing to do.
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> Wait, raped by Celestia. That doesn't sound so bad, I wouldn't mind it if..."
So, when those angry feminists talk about rape culture, they’re talking about this?
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> [Fred] smiled proudly, "Next year, when all the mare's go into heat, we'll be ready. I'm going to build a bunker. So this time, we won't get raped."
Why didn’t you do this for this year’s heat season? Even if nobody told them because they wanted to rape them, Fred has been living in Equestria for years. He has to know.



>>Chapter 51 - Part 2
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>"I like that idea. When will you build it?" He shrugged and turned to his desk, "I don't know, when ever I get the time."
Pffft I mean, it’s only violent, brutal rape by several mares for days on end.
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> [Greg] is reading a spell book called, 'Spells for the mind'. I don't know what he's up to, but I'll watch him.'
You are all perfectly aware of the danger that represents Greg. Why haven’t you taken every magic book away from him?
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> [Fred] looked down at me and chuckled, "Oh, just making a present for Luna." "Cool, what is it?" I asked.
Something completely inconsequential, I’m sure.
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> A bright flash of green light interrupted Frederic. When I turned around, I sighed.
Kidnapping must be one of the most common crimes in Equestria if any unicorn can do this.
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> I chuckled despite myself, "What is it Greg?" Greg smiled lazily, "Dude, I just learned the best spell ever!"
Is something that will fix this story?
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> He kept smiling at me, "Wanna be the test dummy?"
Well, it ‘is’ his talent.
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>"What was it called again? Oh yeah! Split personalty. I think? I think I'm missing a few words in there, but that was in the name."
I insist, why the hell do they let Greg learn more magic?
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> He shot out a beam of magic and it hit me right between the eyes. I felt a searing pain in my head, and what felt like something being ripped apart.
I wonder what purpose this spell could have. Why was it created?
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> I held my head and looked at Greg, "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!" Okay, maybe not kill, but cause a lot of pain. What? This hurts like hell
Lance has become very violent in the last couple of chapters. Not that it’s uncalled, but I’m just saying.
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> His horn began to glow again and I was engulfed in a green aura.
For all his faults, Greg can think fast.



>>Chapter 51 - Part 3
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>[Thank God! I'm finally unattached from that nerd!]
><I'm not a nerd! I'm just smart!>
Break and Dawn, here they are. Wait. Break… Dawn… Is that supposed to be a Twilight reference? It's either that or my brain is associating shittiness with shittiness.
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> I stood straight up. Who the hell was that?!
How can they be the split personalities of Lance? Zero divided by three is still zero.
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>"Who are you?! Where are you?!" I said in a panic.
“We are inside of your head, Lance. Now go kill your friends.”
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> <Well, we are your...>
> [Bro, we're your badass conscience's]
I just… Why is this happening, again?
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> [Dude! Don't kill Greg! He's pure awesomeness!]
> <I agree. Don't kill him, just hurt him.>
> {So, you can hear me like this?}
> <Yes, perfectly.>
You know, a good author would write each of the split personalities as a separate character, and actually write out their dialogue and show their actions and emotions. This isn’t a script, in which you could just write names, text and small blurbs of action; this is supposed to be written in prose. Again it’s not as if he’s using it in an artsy way, he’s been writing in a standard novel style for the last fifty chapters, this symbol thing is just seems as a cheap gimmick to avoid doing actual work.
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> I felt a small tapping at the side of my neck on the right side. I looked over to see a mini-me. A MINI-ME! He looked just like me, but had on glasses instead of goggles.
So, Greg’s spell not only split Lance’s mind into three, but also gave them physical manifestations? And made one of them a nerd?
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> <I am Dawn. I represent the calm and collect side of you.>
What calm and collectedness? The one that disappeared three chapters ago?



>>Chapter 51 - Part 4
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> Then something small banged on my neck on the other side. I looked over to see a second mini-me. This one had on sun glasses and looked badass.
Kickass222urmom thinks that all you need to look badass is a pair of sunglasses.
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>[And I'm Break. I'm the cool and awesome side of you. I'm also the part that holds all of your anger and rage. I'm cool like that.]
In case we need further proof that Kickass222urmom has the concept of coolness of a twelve year old.
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> Okay, this is weird.
It is weird. Now that you have established that your other personalities have metaphysical bodies, there’s even less of a reason to write their dialogue that way. Just treat them as any other character and write them accordingly.
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> {Can others see you two?}
> [No one else can see us, or feel us. Believe me, we've tried.]
Wait, how long have these split personalities been around?
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> <Yeah, tried. He tried to get in on the action with you and Twilight.>
And they’re creepers. Great.
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> [Awww yeah! I remember that. Bro, you was great for your first time.]
How would you know? You’re Lance split personality, you don’t have a sex life of your own.
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> {How long have you been watching me?!}
> <Your whole life. We've been with you since you was born.>
Oh, Lance already had Dissociative Identity Disorder, Greg’s spell only materialized his personalities into annoying little metaphysical beings. So I have to ask again, who the hell made this spell and why? I don’t think a psychiatrist would have done it, how would reinforcing the different personalities help a sufferer of DID get better?
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>[Yeah, I'm guessing that when Greg cast that spell, he made it where we could be seen by you. Fucking epic man.]
I’ve read this three times and I still can’t understand it. I assume he means that Greg’s spell made it so they could be seen by him.



>>Chapter 51 - Part 5
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>[Dude, chill out. Don't make me make you go into rage mode.]
So, these two personalities have control over Lance? That… raises more questions while explaining nothing at all.
…
> My front hoof began to shake and shot up, pointing straight ahead.
So, they have control over his body as well. Again, this raises a lot of questions. They could move his body all along? Why are they just doing it now? And if they couldn’t do it before, how is it that they’re moving his leg so effortlessly?
…
>[Pretty cool huh? Now, take us back to Twilight! I want to watch you to fuck again!]
Sweet Pasteurized Cheesus, Break is a douchebag.
…
> I'm going to hate this so fucking much!
Not as much as I’m hating it, right now.
…
>[You'll enjoy having us around. You'll see.]
You’ve been here for less than five hundred words and I’m already screaming bloody murder, I don’t think that’s enjoyment.
…
> A bright light flashed in front of me and there stood Frederic. He looked at me and exhaled, "Thank God I found you Lance. I though Greg sent you off to a distant land."
See, you know he does this kind of stuff, all the more reason to prevent him from learning more magic stuff.
…
>[Frederic, the luckiest man alive.]
No, that’d be anyone who hasn’t read this.
…
> “I'm fine. Its just that Greg FUCKING MADE IT WHERE MY CONSCIENCE'S COULD TALK TO ME!"
Why are you using ‘where’? What are you trying to say?
…
> I sighed, "That spell Greg cast on my made it where I can see and talk to my conscience's, and let me tell you, its not fun."
That sentence doesn’t have sense. How did you pass elementary school?
…
> I nodded, "Oh yes it is! They're annoying as hell!"
I think it’s more annoying to us than it is to Lance.



>>Chapter 51 - Part 6
…
> I hung my head back and let out a deep breath, "My life is the worst life ever! I hate it! I'm the unluckiest person and pony to ever be alive!'
Again with this nonsense? You have a freaking perfect life. Your life couldn’t be more ideal if you suddenly started to poop gold. Everything so far has worked well for you, so stop complaining, you ungrateful whelp.
…
> [Fred] then smiled widely, "SONG COMING ON!"
God damn it.
…
> Song written by Iron Clad
On one hand, I’ll take anything that isn’t Kickass222urmom’s writing, on the other, I hate when he just pastes entire lyrics and then does nothing.
…
I ‘could’ analyse the entire song. But I think I’ll spare you that and only show you the highlights.
…
> When you took your first steps
> You just had not realized
> How much your own story
> Was going to change all of our fates
Allow me to disagree. If Lance hadn’t come around, the only thing that would have changed would be Twilight not getting pregnant. Fred, Dave, Louie, Peter and the rest would have been the same; they would have gotten paired with their respective partners, though they would have had to find a job instead of just leeching on Lance. Celestia would have given them a house too. She would have sent the Mane 6 and the bronies to deal with Malbatorus. Cody wouldn’t have come to Equestria with a vendetta. Dana wouldn’t have come either. Greg would have still caused tons of problems for the rest. The only “bad” thing that would have resulted from Lance not coming to Equestria would be Fred and Luna not getting together, but they already had feelings for each other, so they were going to get together either way.
You could remove Lance from the story and not affect it negatively. What does that say about the character?
…
> If it weren’t for you
> Where would we be right now?
In the same place you are, most likely.



>>Chapter 51 - Part 7
…
> If it weren’t for you
Would we be still around
Yes, you would. You know who else would be around? All the guards that Cody killed.
…
> He put his hoof over me again and laughed as he continued
Man, being an Alicorn is great; you can sing and laugh at the same time.
…
> I nodded and smiled, "Whoa, that was a great song."
> [Kinda sappy if you ask me]
Hush, snarky comments are my thing.
…
> [What ever. Hey Lance, you forgetting something?]
> {I don't think so. What am I forgetting?}
Being an interesting character, making the story engaging. Where do you want to begin?
…
> [Remember? Doctor? Appointment?]
Oh, right. The doctor appointment, how could we forget that?
…
>"I forgot that I was suppose to go to the doctor about my... problem."
Which of all? I don’t think medicine has advanced to the point where they’ve found a cure for you.
…
> I appeared in the waiting room of the Canterlot Clinic. I walked up to a window and asked a nurse if I could still make my appointment.
> [Oh yeah, she's hot! Lance, make an appointment with her!"]
Break is aware that Lance is married, why is he inciting him to hit on other mares?
…
> <Break! Lance, don't listen to him. Make an appointment with her friend.>
I expect that from Break, he’s already been established to be the biggest douchebag ever, but isn’t Dawn supposed to be his calm and collected side!?
…
> I jumped back on my hind legs, "I WILL NOT FUCK THOSE NURSES!"
One appointment with the psychiatrist, please.
…
> [I know! That is fucking funny bro!]
> {Okay, I admit, that was pretty funny. Even if I got embarrassed.}
If you have that inside voice, why did you yell before?
…
> The doors across the room opened and a unicorn in a white coat came out, "Girokon?"
What is the point of still using that name? The bronies, the princesses and almost everyone that know you already calls you Lance.



>>Chapter 51 - Part 8
…
> Break hit the side of my neck and made me look at him
So, not only can Lance hear and see them, he can also feel them. Hopefully the doctor will think he’s crazy and lock him up in a mental asylum.
…
> [Dude! They have those tongue things here!]
> {So?}
> [I want one! Dawn, help me with this.]
They just don’t care about what can happen to Lance, don’t they?
…
> The door opened and the doctor walked in, "What are you doing?"
Can we blame Break’s actions on Lance? He’s part of him, anyway.
…
> As I sat there, he looked at me, "So, as I read in your report, you are having problems with your groin. Am I correct?"
That was months ago. Way before your wedding. Why are you only going to the doctor now?
…
>"Hmmmm, heavy damage to each one. The right one is the worst though. You must have been hit pretty hard."
Why the hell did you wait almost half a year to go to the doctor? That’s how you get testicular cancer.
…
> He sighed, "Well, I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do."
Could it be? Somebody’s actions actually have repercussions? They will have to face the consequences of their actions?
…
> I chuckled and shook my head. I then walked out of the room, the slip of paper in my mouth.
Yeah, I may lose my testes, but at least I gained two awfully annoying voices in my head.



>Chapter 52 - Part 1
…
>Title: Cupcakes and evil Griffins, oh my!
And there goes another race down the drain. I’m glad he can’t rhyme, that way at least Zecora will be safe.
…
> Warning: This chapter will have one of the first fighting scenes in a while.
The chapter hasn’t even started and I already want to punch a brick wall.
…
> Don't worry, its not going to be bloody or have any death.
Judging by the last time you promised “gore” and “ponies dyeing”, I’ll assume that they will slap each other until they get tired.
…
> Its more like a Street Fighter type fight, no one dies, and no bloody scenes.
You only wish your story had the level of depth of a fighting game.
…
> You'll see. Tell me if I should never do this again.
It’s a pity that it’s too late to tell you to stop.
…
> Also, something new.
When Break talkes through Lance, its using bold. And, I will still be in first person, even as Break controls me.
Wait, did he just?
…
> I will still be in first person
> even as Break controls me.
Hey, Anons! Kickass222urmom finally admitted it! He admitted that Lance is his shitty self-insert!
…
> "Is this really a good idea?" Zorrow asked, unsure.
It’s never a good idea, Zorrow.
…
> Peter Chuckled, "Oh yeah, best idea ever." He put the last item in the sack, "Best idea ever!"
Someone is going to get hurt. Hopefully it’ll be permanent.
…
>"Stupid doctor! Couldn't even fix my freaking groin!"
You received several hits knowingly, it hurt for weeks, and yet you waited months before going to the doctor. This is entirely your fault.
…
> I mumbled to myself as I sat on a bench outside of Sugar Cube Corner.
If Fred sent you to the ‘Canterlot’ Clinic, why did you go back to Ponyville instead of going home? We already know you don’t trust trains, that means you flew all the way here. What the hell, Lance?



>>Chapter 52 - Part 2
…
> [You mad bro?]
> {Shut it Break!}
> <Come on Lance, the doctor gave you pain medication. That was nice.>
> [Someones gay for the doc.]
This Multiple Personality gimmick is getting old really fast.
…
> {You two are just like me in every way.}
> [We are you, remember?]
Are they? As annoying and douchey Lance is, he wasn’t as annoying as you two.
…
> "What'ca laughing at Lance?" Said an over hyper voice behind me.
Just the fleeting nature of life, and how little we all matter in the grand scheme of things, and that I’ll never make anything that will make so many people as angry as this fic.
…
> [Pinkie Pie! Holy shit, that bitch be crazy!]
> <She is just to freaking hyper!>
Just like you two?
Also, not only do I have to make comments on the fic, but now I also have to make comments on the comments.
…
> [You should smoke some weed with Greg. That dude knows how to live!]
I guess that the other personalities act so wildly is because they’ve been repressed for years, except that’d be wrong, since it’s been shown that they can control Lance and have done so occasionally.
Hey, is that why Lance s such a horrible character? Is it because there are two extreme personalities inside of him constantly battling his own consciousness in an attempt to seize control?
…
> [CUPCAKES! FUCK YES!]
> <Lance, grab that big one in the back.>
Nah, he’s an ass just like them.
…
> "So..." Pinkie Pie said while still bouncing.
> I smiled, "Taste awesome!"
> Suddenly, a feeling of dizziness washed over me.
Is he seriously going to recycle the opening of “Cupcakes” for this shitty chapter?



>>Chapter 52 - Part 3
…
> I awoke with a start. I tried to look around, but I noticed two things when I tried. First, it was extremely dark. Second, my head was being held in place by what felt like straps.
I know this is just going to end up being a bait-and-switch, but I really, really want to see him get butchered.
…
> [Pinkie Pie] is wearing those clothes made of skin and cutie marks! She even has the wings and the unicorn horn necklace!
Or maybe he's just going to lift “Cupcakes” for his chapter. Can we get the author of Cupcakes to send Kickass222urmom a C&D?
…
> [Lance, please let me take control over your voice for a second.]
> {Okay, uhhh, do your thing I guess.}
Let’s try to justify your existence, Break.
…
> I felt a slight shift in my mind and I suddenly began to speak, with out me wanting to
Ok, apparently the way this works is that Break takes over your mind and body but you’re still conscious? That’s not how DID works, but then again, I shouldn’t expect you to have done research.
…
> Pinkie Pie looked shocked, but then went back to smiling, "That was weird. Anyway, I can't let you go, your number came up."
Lo and behold, Break is just as useless.
…
> She stepped forward and went to my flank, where I couldn't see her.
I didn’t care much for Cupcakes, but seeing Lance get cut up in little pieces will be fun. At least until something implausibly convenient happens, or all of it is revealed to be a nightmare.
…
> [I'm not looking back man! I may be hardcore, but I'm not that hardcore!]
Then you are not hardcore.
…
> A sudden, sharp and shearing pain erupted on the right side of my flank. I screamed out in agony.
If he dies this time, will he go back to Earth, or meet with God?
…
> [Lance! You have to give me control of your body!]
> {CONSIDER IT YOURS!}
Why didn’t you do this ten seconds ago instead of letting Pinkie slice off your flanks?



>>Chapter 52 - Part 4
…
> A fluid like sensation took over my body, as I felt Break take control. My muscles tensed up beyond their normal limit, my strength was increased.
I don’t think that’s how Dissociative Identity Disorder or adrenaline highs work.
…
> Pinkie Pie looked scared for her life, "Your eyes.... They're black!"
Oh, good. Because his eyes weren’t stupid enough as they were.
…
> Break pushed my body to the limit.
This, logically since he’s strapped to a table with leather straps, would mean ripped tendons and muscles.
…
> Suddenly, my body slumped and went weak. I could feel my body slowly returning to normal.
And we have a realistic result for once. I’m amazed he didn’t transform or made a Super Saiyan thing. Not that I’d expect less from this story.
…
> [Fuck! Well, I tried at least.]
> {Thanks Break. Even if you didn't get us out, you still showed determination.}
“We’re still going to die a horrible death, but you did your best and that’s what matters.”
…
> She pushed the knife closer to my face.
Why would she do this? In Cupcakes, Pinkie always waits until the last possible second before going for the kill, trying to make her victim take in all of what’s happening; it doesn’t make sense that she’s already trying to cut out his eyes at this point, unless that follow next is the cheap cop-out
…
> "SURPRISE! We got ya Lance!" Two very familiar voices yelled out.
And there it goes.
…
> The lights came on and revealed that the room wasn't really what it seemed. The banner was hoof painted, the guts and gore was... paper? Wow they looked real in the dark. And in the light, I could see that Pinkie Pie's dress was just fabric and paper.
But… She still cut off Lance’s flanks, right?
…
> Peter walked into view, a smirk on his face, "And that's for leaving us behind."
Oh, God damn it. This was a stupid prank?



>>Chapter 52 - Part 5
…
> Zorrow walked into view next, "Yeah, you could have helped us a little more you know. Those mare's where crazy!"
Had the tables been turned, you would have left them behind.
…
> "Assholes! You cut my fucking cutie mark off!"
> Peter shook his hoof out in front of him, "Nope." He picked up my cutie marks, "Those are fabric."
That doesn’t make sense, he still cried out in pain when Pinkie cut them off.
…
> Zorrow spoke up, "Magic. We made you feel what we wanted you to feel. You didn't even get cut, your mind just though it was."
That’s still torture. You put him under a lot of stress, and caused him a lot of pain.
…
> {Break, if you would be so kind.}
> [Oh hell yeah, it would be my pleasure.]
Sure, stare at them with black eyes, that’ll scare them.
…
> I felt myself smile and my body tensed up. The weakened restraints couldn't hold me back as Break pushed me past the limit. They broke and I landed on the ground.
He can’t break his binds when his life is threatened, but when he wants to get back at someone, everything is possible.
…
> I smiled, "I am Break, Lance's badass conscience. You can thank Greg for this."
Welcome to Living the Dream, a story so intense you’ll pay for the whole seat but you’ll only use the edge.
…
> Peter looked at me strangely, "What? Then the prank Greg played didn't make him into two ponies? Oh shit..."
What the hell was that spell supposed to do? Actually split him into two ponies?
…
> Zorrow stood up first, "What the fuck man?"
I know right? Everything makes less sense as the story progresses.
…
> I shrugged, "I'll explain everything at my house. I want everyone to hear me. Peter, can you get Drax please."
Why Drax? You’ve only known him for a week at most. Then again, I suppose that’s enough time in this universe to be intimate friends.



>>Chapter 52 - Part 6
…
> Canterlot, night time, a mile from Lance's house
I don’t understand this scene cuts, they come out of nowhere and are formatted as if it was another paragraph. I guess is easier for Kickass22urmom if he doesn’t have to actually write the change of scenery.
…
>"So, those pathetic ponies were right. He is a princes now." Richard said to himself, anger and hate filled his voice.
He’s talking about Fred? I want to believe he was being snarky and wanted to call him a princess.
…
> Richard was a human, but here, he is a Griffin.
Damn. He just wants to taint every species in Equestria, doesn’t he?
…
> He is also the father of Frederic
God is extremely forgiving, so far he’s let a murderer and someone with clear murderous intent get into Equestria.
…
> His son was weak and pathetic.
Look at the bright side. At least he’s not Lance.
…
> Back on earth, Richard was a mob boss,
If the edginess of these characters’ past keeps increasing, the next one will have to be a knife maker.
…
> He took control of downtown Montréal with ease.
That doesn’t sound too impressive. Are Canadian mobs particularly resilient? Are Canadian mobs even a thing?
…
> He was on top of the world, but wanted more.
I don’t think being a Canadian mob boss counts as being on top of the world.
…
> So, he forced his only son, Frederic, to join the family business.
Because that worked so well for the Corleone family, right?
Oh no. He’s going to make a Godfather sub-plot?



>>Chapter 52 - Part 7
…
> Things went bad though, not long after Frederic was forced into the mob. Richard had wanted to show the city who was in charge.
Kickass222urmom is condensing way too much backstory into a single paragraph. How did they ascend into power? Wouldn’t getting rid of all the other mob bosses be enough to prove you’re in charge? Why did Fred’s dad have to be a mobster in the first place? He dedicated almost the same amount of space to describe that the dragon was bullied back on earth, but you’re telling an entire story here, at least explain to us why did he became a mobster so we can sympathize with him or at least understand his motivations.
…
> A plan was set up, to kill the political leaders of the country.
What!? Why the hell do you want to do that!? Weren’t you a mobster? When did you become a terrorist? How did that happen? Does Kickass222urmom know the difference? What made Richard go over the edge and want to take over a country? Why are we reading a horrible self-insert fic when we could have been reading about a madman taking over Canada?
…
> Richard became outraged when Frederic threaten to go to the police about it.
“My son, who so far has disapproved all of my actions and has showed his desire to not join the mob, has threatened to call the cops on me now that I want to make a coup-d’état? Preposterous!”
Also, why would that threaten matter? If you have control over an entire city, wouldn’t you own the Police by then?
…
> Frederic chose to go against it, thus, forcing Richard to kill him.
Don’t mob bosses normally send their bratty offspring to other countries to get rid of them?



>>Chapter 52 - Part 8
…
> After the rapture however
Ok, hold on. There ‘was’ a rapture? Then what happened that time Lance fell into a coma and woke up back on Earth? That was just a dream?
That can’t be the true. When Lance came to Equestria there were only four bronies there, Celestia said so herself, meaning that Lance, Louie, Dave, Greg, Malbatorus and Cody all died in the same timeframe.
Wait… There were five bronies and one other guy that wasn’t a brony. There were six humans on Equestria. What the hell, Celestia, you can’t keep track of all the people that are being sent to your realm?
Anyway, Zane, Peter, Lance’s mom, Aaron, Zorrow, Seth, Deela and whoever else I’m missing had to come afterwards. So how is it? Are they just dying normally, and coming to Equestria at their own pace?
Because if the rapture did happen, and those other humans appeared in Equestria much later, then that means that all those people were just hanging out with God doing nothing until deciding to go to Equestria. Or was it a line of people floating in the void, just waiting their turn? Does heaven have a huge waiting room filled with all the millions of people that died on Earth?
What the hell, Kickass222urmom, what the actual hell?
…
> Richard was faced with a dire choice.
I chose to keep reading this, any dilemma you can face pales in comparison.



>>Chapter 52 - Part 9
…
> As he prepared to chose where to go, a though popped into his mind. 'If I get to chose where I go, then that means Frederic got a choice.'
Why do you care!? You already killed him and he’s in a dimension of his own, choose to go to a paradise island with forty girls attending to your every need for eternity, God himself is giving you a chance to go wherever you want, why are you so hung up on killing your son again?
And even if you kill Fred again, he’ll probably meet with God and be offered the same choice that he gave Lance and go back to Equestria.
Wait… Why was Lance given a choice? What about all the guards Cody killed? Why weren’t they given a choice? I’m sure that at least one of them would have chosen to come back; there was a guy that had a wife and a daughter.
God damn it, Kickass222urmom!
…
> He looked at him self again, still loving his body.
Oh, boy. Yet another special snowflake.
…
> A Griffin, pure black with blood red highlights. His talons were sharp enough to cut through wood, easily.
Griffin’s don’t have highlights! And did he really, really have to make him black and blood red? I’m sure that by August 2012 the black-and-red OC was already considered stupid.
…
> He smirked, he knew what he was going to do first to get back at Frederic. Kill his most dearest friends.
Why are you so hell bent on ruining your son’s life? What has he ever done against you or the mob? Not wanting to join you? Why was that so bad, you already considered weak and pathetic. Wouldn’t it be better if the mob didn’t have to deal with him? Back on Earth you could have just send him off to a boarding school in some European Country and be done with it.



>>Chapter 52 - Part 10
…
> He knows where they live, he's been watching them for the past month.
So you’ve only been here for over a month, if the rapture happened, it happened almost a year ago. So the rapture couldn’t have happened!
And how do you plan on killing them? There’s about ten of them, one of whom is an immortal alicorn, and the other has “getting beat up” as his special talent. What are you going to do on your own? Did your henchmen decide to follow you here? And you’re a freaking griffin, so it’s not as if you can use magic, unlike several of the bronies!
GAH!
…
> Lance's house.
I’m sincerely hoping that Fred’s idiot dad kills them all tonight.
…
> I had told everyone to come here, since I didn't want to explain this over and over again.
But you still have to tell Fred, your wife, the Princesses and your mom. Then again, I think Kickass222urmom has already forgotten her.
…
> after I let Break and Dawn take control, they believed me.
Your eyes turn black and your voice gets deeper. Have none of them seen a possession movie?
…
> Break told me that when he takes control of my body, he goes into what he calls 'Rage mode'.
Is it called that way because it enrages everyone who reads it?
…
> While he's in this state, he pulls all the pain and anger from my memory and uses it as fuel.
How is getting angsty about your horrible life choices make you stronger? Are you supposed to b emulating the Hulk?
…
> Drax furrowed an eyebrow, "So, your all not from this world?"
And you’re learning this just now? Also what deems you worthy of being in this meeting and not the rest of the bronies? They’ve just know you for a week.



>>Chapter 52 - Part 11
…
> David chuckled, "Like we said before, no. Our world ended, so we all chose to come here."
So the world ‘did’ end!? Then where are the rest of the bronies coming from? There are almost a hundred chapters left; you know they’ll keep coming.
Does that mean that they’re still in a limbo state waiting for God to send them to their new lives? Why? He’s almighty. He can bring them back to life instantly, why is he taking his sweet time? We know he’s not interviewing each person individually, he let a criminal and a deranged person go to Equestria.
What. The. Hell!?
…
> I looked at the window, my eyes widened. A Griffin, a freaking Griffin! Was flying straight at my window.
Has this guy forgotten everything about being a mobster? Hasn’t he tried to get new henchmen or paid labor since he arrived here? Why is he going himself guns blazing? Doe he even have guns? Is he relying entirely on his talons that were “sharp enough to cut through wood”?
Also, did Kickass222urmom just break a sentence in the middle with an exclamation point?
…
> The window, along with most of the wall, was blown inward as the large black Griffin landed inside my house.
How is that possible? Are your walls made of cardboard? You’d expect houses own by royalty to be better build. If they’re not paper-maché walls, then just how hard did he hit that wall? How fast was he flying? How did he not break every bone in his body on impact?
…
> He looked down and smiled.
If he landed and Lance is standing, then how is Richard looking down on Lance?
…
> He swiped his paw side ways, sending me flying into a wall. I slammed into it and slumped to the ground, dazed.
So he’s super strong. I guess that explains the wall, except not really. If he has super strength, then he should have made a small hole in the wall, how did he brought down “most of the wall.”?



>>Chapter 52 - Part 12
…
> He laughed again as he jumped forward with such speed, no one saw him move.
And super-fast, because why the hell not.
…
> He grabbed David by the neck and laughed, a creepy happy laugh.
He just throws commas at random.
…
> He turned to me and grinned. He then throw David straight at me.
Didn’t Richard want to kill these guys? Why is he wasting his time tossing them around instead of going for the kill before they all gang up on him?
…
> Drax pulled him down to face level and screamed, "YOU DO NOT HURT MY NEW FRIENDS! YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME FIRST!"
He’s very protective of the extra-dimensional ponies he’s known for slightly over a week.
…
> The Griffin, who hasn't even said a word, smirked and punched Drax in the gut.
Hey, Richard, do you remember talons? The pointy things at the end of your hands? And do you remember how you wanted to kill everyone here? That might have been an awesome chance.
…
> Greg's horn glowed and he pushed the Griffin against a wall, "You son of a whore! I'm going to mess you up for doing that!"
Finally someone decides to use magic.
…
> The Griffin looked unimpressed as it raised its clawed hand and pointed it to the ceiling.
>The ceiling began to turn red, a bright read. Suddenly, there was a loud explosion as the entire top floor was blown away.
Seriously? Seriously!? He can use magic? But he’s a goddamned griffin, they can’t use magic.
…
> The Griffin yawned and broke free of Greg's magic. He pointed his talon at Greg and smiled.
So he ‘can’ use magic? How? When did he learn and master his sorcery?
…
> Greg shot backwards, into the wall. There was a sickening crack as he made contact.
God damn it, Greg, don’t get yourself killed, you’re the only character that isn’t a complete pain in the ass to read.



>>Chapter 52 - Part 13
…
> [Lance, don't focus on the fight! Focus on me and Dawn. Try and give us both control of your body.]
> <Break, you don't mean we're going to..>
[Yes, we’re going… double edge]
…
> I forced myself to focus, even though I could hear the fight getting rougher.
Well, if you can hear that you’re not doing a good job, are you?
…
> My body was admitting a strange red glow, and my mane and tail was smoking, and had lighting going through them. My hooves where red hot, with smoke coming off them.
How. Did that. Happen!?
Aren’t Break and Dawn just split personalities? Haven’t they been around since you were born? How are they making you go Super Saiyan? How the hell does that work?
You know what? Forget it. I’m going to assume that his mind and body overloaded and his entrails caught on fire. That’d explain the red glow, and the smoke that has no reason to exist.
…
> I began to move forward, slowly pushing David out of the small hole in the wall.
If your hooves are red hot and smoking, somehow, wouldn’t that burn David’s fur, hurting him more than if you’d just let him stay there?
…
> Once out, I turned to the Griffin, now holding Seth's unconscious body.
Richard has somehow managed to remain oblivious to the autism singularity happening a few meters from him.
…
> The anger and hatred grew inside of me. I stood up on my hind legs and screamed out, "BREAKING DAWN!"
The two personalities chose their names based on how it would sound when they put them together, somehow knowing that Lance would let both of them take control of his body.
It’s still better than Girokon.




>>Chapter 52 - Part 14
...
> I shot forward, faster than I though possible, and slammed into the Griffin. When I made contact, I began slamming my hooves into him, beating every inch of flesh I could. Leaving hoof sized burns all over him.
Up until this point, this fic had just been a horrible self-insert, despite Kickass222urmom’s best efforts to deny this.
But now it’s clear that Living the Dream is headed for the shitty generic action manga style in which a protagonist gets more and more upgrades while the rest of the characters orbit around him.
Just when I thought this couldn’t get worse.
…
> I jumped up and reared up. I felt electricity going into my hooves. I smiled and brought them down hard.
So you have fire and electricity inside of you, the latter somehow manifesting itself without any kind of conductive material.
Not to sound like I’m forcing physics into an implausible world, but that must be the one thing that everyone know about electricity. Some things conduct it, others don’t. you can’t have electricity randomly bursting out, they have to arch with something.
…
> The Griffin began to laugh, low at first, but it raised to a full on laugh as he sat up.
Of course, if he could plunge through a wall unscathed why should burning hoofs and electricity stop him?
…
> I stepped back in horror, "That's impossible! You shouldn't be able to move!"
And you shouldn’t be glowing and shooting smoke and sparks out of your tail. Plausibility was on it deathbed, and this chapter pulled the plug.
…
> The Griffin stopped laughing and looked at me, "My turn." He shot forward, quickly grabbing me by the neck. "You should have stayed in your hole!" He slammed me into the ground, hard.
Just as any decent strategist know, you have to wait until your enemy has drawn their big weapons to move for the kill right then.
…
> As I struggled to breath, he slammed his head into mine.
Even the new form that Kickass pulled out of thin air is useless.



>>Chapter 52 - Part 15
…
> The Griffin grabbed me by my mane, the electricity from it shooting into his hand. But he didn't seem to care as he throw me into the air.
Richard is only affected by electricity when it’s dramatic for the story.
…
> The Griffin laughed again, "Your a persistent fucker aren't ya? No matter, you'll be dead in a second."
Oh, how I wish that was the case, Richard. But we both know that sooner or later—
…
>"YOU!" Said an extremely angry voice, a voice I knew
Did Fred just happen to be flying by? How did Fred know to come here? Was he invited to hear about Lance’s new disorder? Then why did Lance tell the rest before they were all together?
…
> "NO! YOU WILL ONLY DEAL WITH ME!" Frederic screamed as he slammed into his father. I couldn't see straight, but I could see them exchanging blows, each hitting each other after the other. I couldn't keep track of them.
Great, we were spared a boringly written fight scene.
…
> Suddenly, with out warning, Frederic's dad grabbed Frederic's horn and laughed, "Weak!" He then broke it off, causing Frederic to scream in agony.
You know? One could think that Fred would try to use his magic now that he’s an alicorn. It would probably just take a couple of spells.
…
> Frederic stumbled back as his father advanced on him, "Just like last time old pal." His dad slashed a large gash across his chest.
And this could have been avoided.
Magic. It saves lives.
…
> Frederic slumped against the wall, lifeless.
Don’t hold your breath; I doubt he’s going to remain dead for more than a chapter.
…
> When he was within a few feet of me, the entire house began to shake... Wait, all of Equestria began to shake!
Or more than one paragraph, apparently.
…
> Frederic was standing straight up, furious rage filled eyes glaring at his dad. But something was different.
You mean the broken horn, or the gashing wound on his chest?



>>Chapter 52 - Part 16
…
> Frederic was no longer brown, but a light black. His eyes were no longer normal, they was the eyes of a demon, and a deep red. His mane and tail was both metallic and sharp. His horn had grown back. The clothes he wore was also the same color as his coat. I could also see a strange pulsing light emitting off of him.
GOD DAMN IT.
Frederic was the most normal OC in this story, and you already messed with him when you turned him into an Alicorn. But now this? Did this story really need another black-and-red character? Do you really have to make him so—
…
> "My anger fuels my motives
> My hate is focused onto a single being
> My resolve is absolute
> My goal is clear:
> To protect
> To avenge
> To purge
> I am the son of darkness itself
> I am the blade of justice
> I AM DARKSTEEL EDGE
> THE SHIELD AND BLADE OF EQUESTRIA!"
Ok, I tried being objective for far too long.
Kickass222urmom, you are a disgrace of a writer, and the embodiment of everything that is wrong with the fandom. With every fandom.
You are so conceited and full of yourself that you refuse to even realise the sheer awfulness of what your story embodiness.
I curse every single one of your upvotes. I curse every single person that ever thought that your story could pass for “good”, and I curse you for subjecting us to this.
…
> Darksteel Edge? Its like he's possessed by something, like Luna was. But, he seemed focused.
Then I hope he gets banished to the freaking sun.
…
> Frederic, or Darksteel Edge, ran towards his father, the fires of rage in his eyes.
Thankfully the chapter ends here, I don’t think I could take anymore.
…
And in case you were too happy with your lifes, this is what AutisticAutist Edge looks like. >http://i.imgur.com/5rmTb.png



>>Chapter 53 - Part 1
…
>Title: Father and son, fight to the death!
From the title alone, I can get two things. First of all, he’s using anime naming conventions for his titles, which is awful regardless of your opinion towards anime. If you don’t like anime, chances are this won’t change your mind; and if you do like anime, then you’ll have to stare in horror as Kickass222urmom rapes the genre.
Second, if this is indeed a battle to the death, and Fred has already died/ascended into edge incarnate, then that means that we’ll be saying goodbye to Mr. I was introduced last chapter.
…
> I will be calling Frederic Darksteel Edge while hes in that form. Don't get confussed.
How could we, he’s only completely different now.
…
> Darksteel Edge slammed into his father, knocking both of them to the ground.
Ok, since I don’t to think that Fred knew about what was happening because of “magic”, I am going to make the assumption that, since they’re in Canterlot, people saw the rampant destruction that was taking place and Fred decided to check it out since it’s the area in which his friends live.
If that’s the case, then why aren’t the guards here as well? Or the Princesses? Why is it that just Fred showed up? I know that he’s supposed to battle his father, but doing it this way makes it seem extremely cheap, specially so since his dad has just been introduced.
…
> He sat up on his father's chest and smiled down at him, an corrupted smile
Yeaaah, last time an alicorn was corrupted, bad things happen. Surely this should be a sign of worry?
…
> Darksteel just smiled down at him and he slammed both of his hooves into his father's face. He then began to repeatedly punch his father, not stopping for anything.
“This will prove once and for all that I am different from my violent father!”



>>Chapter 53 - Part 2
…
> He stopped his onslaught of hooves and chuckled. He grabbed his father's head and throw him out from under him, sending his father through one of the walls and into the kitchen.
Canterlot is embedded in a mountain. You can easily turn around, throw your dad in the opposite direction, and continue fighting him without risking anyone’s safety.
Remember how you didn’t want anyone to get hurt? Now that you’ve clearly shown that you don’t care about that, shouldn’t it be a sign of worry?
You know, get the Elements of Harmony ready and in stand by just in case?
…
> Darksteel used his magic to pull his father back to him. When his father came into view, he slammed him against the ground, leaving a small crater. He then lifted him back up and slammed him into the wall.
This has clearly passed the point of defense. He’s just beating the crap out of his dad just to relief his frustrations. You’d think that the new Prince of Equestria should set a better example.
…
> Darksteel then began to drag him along the wall, destroying the wall and leaving a straight line in it where he had dragged his father.
I mean, he’s using his power to carry a personal vendetta. Regardless of justification, he has already subdued him, he should be using his magic to restrain him and take him to jail. I’m sure Cody could use a cell-mate.
…
> A low grumbling could be heard, it slowly turned into a furious laugh, "Is that all you got? Really? This is going to be to easy."
Mr. UrMom? Could you please explain to us how is it that a griffin has been able to resist a complete beating from the, ahem, “God of Good”?
Fred has already made craters in rock and soil, so it’s not as if he doesn’t have strength, and he has already brought down the other half of Lance’s house.



>>Chapter 53 - Part 3
…
> His father pulled him into him, wrapped his talons around him and flew into the sky.
Is Fred going to conveniently forget that he has wings as well for this fight?
…
> I looked up, but could barely see them. I could see Darksteel kicking and punching his father, but his father was doing more damage to him.
For someone who can barely see what’s happening, you can discern a lot of details, Lance.
…
> Suddenly, his father slammed into him, sending Darksteel straight towards my house, and me.
Man, all of that two sentence build up for Fred’s new form was for nothing. He’s pretty damn useless. Just as Lance’s new form. Why did Kickass222urmom introduce new battle forms for two already overpowered characters if they’re not going to be useful in any way?
…
>"Lance, can you still fight?"
Sure, he’s been reduced to a partially breathing and thinking pulp, but I’m sure he’s up for the challenge.
…
> I let out the breath I was holding, I though he was going to turn on my next, "Uhhh, no. I can't even move anymore."
Your talent is getting beaten up, this should be a piece of cake.
…
> He leaned down and his horn began to glow, "I can fix that." He touched my forehead with his horn, and I instantly felt a hot sensation run through my body.
Are you serious!? He just so happens to be able to do that? Frederic conveniently knows a spell that can completely heal someone and restore their energy. And he just so happens to have acquired a new form that makes him more powerful and gives him enough energy to perform the spell.
I think we can call Fred “Prince of Plot Convenience” from now on.
…
> Darksteel looked at me, "Now, can you help me fight my father?"
I remember when this was just the story of a horrible self-insert dicking around in Equestria.



>>Chapter 53 - Part 4
…
> The transformation was now complete, and I slammed my hoof down on the ground, causing the remaining house to shake, "RAGING BREAKING DAWN!"
So, given that both of you were completely and utterly useless against a griffin whose biggest claim was being able to break wood with his talons, an ability every earth pony with a moderate amount of strength has; you expect that your forces combined will be enough to defeat him, somehow.
…
> Darksteel nodded, "Good, lets kick my fathers ass!"
>I (Break and Dawn) smiled, "Lets!"
Is there any reason you’re not using “we”?
…
> We began to repeatedly punch and kick him. But he kept shrugging them off as if our hits where light feather touches.
WHY!? He’s just a goddamned griffin; did he ask God to make him invincible too?
…
> His talon suddenly shot out and grabbed me by the face. His other grabbed Darksteel by the neck.
How the hell are you two being overpowered by an overgrown bird!?
I guess the real question is why isn’t Fred using his alicorn magic. He’ s “corrupted” now, he has an excuse to use dark magic, or whatever. Did using his wings make him forget that he has a horn?
Is everyone in this universe only capable of using one appendage at the time?
Oh…
Anons, I think I cracked the code.
…
> He pulled us in close and hissed, "I will end both of you!"
You may be even more inexplicable overpowered than everyone else in this fic, but not even you have the power to put an end to his.
…
> His father laughed and slammed me into the ground head first. He then slammed his hooves down on my chest, causing two cracking sounds to be heard.
And yet, I doubt pierced lungs or smashed hearts will be of any problem.
…
> A black aura encased [Richard] and threw him off of me.
Of course, ‘now’ you remember you have magic.



>>Chapter 53 - Part 5
> I ignored the pain in my head and chest (Thanks to Break and Dawn) and nodded, "Oh yeah! Lets fuck him up!"
That’s not—How are you even breathing right now?
…
> I shot forward, straight towards his father as he began to stand. I slammed into him.
You just said that Lance broke his ribs. It is in the paragraph preceding this line.
…
> I twisted around and bucked him in the gut.
Do you really not have an attention span longer than five seconds? It’s not as if you healed, you’re just ignoring the pain. Did Lance go to a shaolin temple during one of those time jumps?
…
> Darksteel took his opportunity and picked his father up with his magic.
Oh, finally. Now just take him to jail or som—
…
> He then cast a spell on him that caused his whole body to turn bright red. Smoke was rising from his body, and the smell of burning meat could be smelt.
Is Fred seriously making a public execution in the middle of the day? Cody killed a dozen guards and you sent him to jail. This is pure, petty revenge.
The kind of things a Prince should be above.
…
> His father just laughed, broke free of Darksteel's magic hold and shrugged the spell off.
He was burning alive! How does he keep shrugging these off?
…
> I pulled my hoof back and slammed it into his gut, knocking the air out of him.
> He leaned down and put his mouth next to my ear, "Nice one."
If he can talk normally, then you didn’t knock the air out of him.
…
> When I hit the ground, I began to stand.
Ok, no.
Just no. I understand if your story doesn’t make sense from chapter to chapter, even from scene to scene, it’s obvious you’re not in full control of your mental capacities; but when you can’t even keep coherence within the same sentence, then there’s only one thing left to say.
I hate you, Kickass222urmom.
I genuinely hate you.
Stop. I’m stopping, I’ll continue tomorrow.



>>Chapter 53 - Part 6
…
> Darksteel slammed his hind leg down on his father's foot, causing it to crack.
While I should be impressed that they actually managed to harm Richard, fractures and concussions are no longer of worry.
…
> His father rolled his eyes, "I'm impressed... Not!"
Why bother mentioning the damage they’re receiving if they’re just going to keep going as if nothing had happened?
…
> He slashed his talon across Darksteel's face, leaving three long cuts.
Because Fred just wasn’t edgy enough.
…
> In his moment of pain, his father back handed him into a wall.
I want to believe he did so with his broken foot.
…
> Darksteel charged forward, only to be backhanded into a wall, and through it. He landed on the street outside.
Again? Damn, these guys suck at fighting.
And the worst thing is that this whole thing could be sort of salvaged if Kickass222urmom had given us any explanation as to why Richard is so powerful. It could have also helped if you had actually built up to Lance and Fred’s transformation. Or if you had done literally anything to not make this complete garbage.
…
> Richard turned to me, "Lets get rid of the trash, shall we?"
And speaking of garbage, you just lost the perfect chance to make a “take out the trash” comment.
…
> I twisted and bucked him as hard as I could, sending him through the wall, through the stairs, and into the other room.
This is bothering me more than it should. Almost everyone has gotten severely injured at some point or another and kept going as normal: Twilight with that manticore, Lance after the knock-off Rainboom, the Jackass episode.
It’s probably the sudden transformation into a shonen that put me on the edge.
…
> I was blown back and through the wall. Slamming into the house on the other side... my moms house!

Please keep her out of this, she has already completed her arc and is living with her boyfriend. She left you alone, leave the poor mare alone.



>>Chapter 53 - Part 7
…
> I looked around, to see a pissed off mom, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING! YOU JUST DESTROYED OUR ROOM!"
>OUR
Dana never got around telling Lance that she was dating Captain Barehoof, right?
…
> Come on! This is insane!
> [I know...]
I’m confused. Why can the inner voices hear and respond to the narration? If he’s supposed to be monologuing, then why does Lance {talk like this} when he speaks back to Break and Dawn?
…
> I looked over to see something I hadn't expected. Captain Barehoof!
He crashed into his mom’s bedroom and Captain Barehoof was there. I think even Lance can put two and two together.
…
> Richard yawned, "I do what I want." He then twist, knocking the Captain off of him and laughed, "Oh, this is fun!" He grabbed the Captain's leg and threw him through the front door.
Poor, poor Captain Barehoof, he was just doing his job when he was hit with Typhoon Lance.
…
> He looked back at me, "Why are you so hard to kill?!"
> I did my best brave laugh, which sounded like a gasp, "I'm that fucking annoying."
At least he can recognise his flaws.
…
> He slammed me into Darksteel, sending both of us through the wall.
Please somebody end this.
…
> When I looked back, I saw Princess Luna standing in front of Richard. Wait.... PRINCES LUNA! What is she doing here?!
Being a competent ruler and defender, apparently. I hope she can wrap things up.
…
> She encased him in a powerful aura of magic, "YOU WILL PAY FOR ALL OF THIS!"
Finally someone who knows what they’re doing. Now you can get rid of Richard and—
…
> She slammed him into the ground
God damn it, just teleport him to jail and be done with this.
…
> somehow creating a small crater.
What do you mean somehow? You’ve been making craters just by staring at things. Richard was slammed into the ground by Luna’s magic, of course it’s going to make a crater.



>>Chapter 53 - Part 8
…
> She stepped over the hole and her horn glowed. Then, the entire hole blew skyward, I mean literally! The entire hole that Richard was in blown straight up into the sky!
What happened to due process? Get this guy a trial and send him to rot in prison. He did try to commit regicide.
…
> He then became serious, "Luna, you must leave! Its dangerous here!"
Never mind that you are a millennial being with deep knowledge of magic, and you’ve proven to be more useful than us, you should leave.
…
> He pointed at me, who was crumbled up on the ground, useless, "I'm not alone! I have Lance here to help."
How has he been helpful, exactly? The only thing he has accomplished so far is living up to his cutie mark and get the hell beaten out of him. Maybe that’s why Fred wants him around, so he doesn’t have to get beaten up instead.
…
> Suddenly, something heavy landed on me, crushing me into the ground.
Boy it sure is a good thing your ribs were already broken.
…
> His body was yet again encased in a dark aura. This time, he chuckled, "Same trick won't work twice." He broke free of it and jumped forward.
I don’t know what frustrates me more: that Richard isn’t affected by magic for some reason, or that even though they already know they can’t hold him back with just magic, they keep using the same technique, or that it hasn’t occurred to them to use another type of spell.
…
> He back handed her across the face, sending her out onto the street.
Though I think what bothers me the most is that Kickass222urmom has already used “backhanded” four times in the span of one thousand words.
…
> "Bitch." Richard said as he turned to Darksteel.
I’m confused, was Richard supposed to be a mob boss or a common thug?



>>Chapter 53 - Part 9
…
> Before he could do anything else, the entire house began to shake, actually, I'm pretty sure all of Equestria was shaking!
And hasn’t anyone else noticed these tremors? It’s the second time it happens, panic would have spread by now, what with Canterlot being on the face of a mountain and everything.
…
> Seconds later, his body emitted a huge shock wave outward. Completely blowing the rest of the house away, plus a few around it.
Which I’m sure were conveniently empty.
…
> He threw him up in the air, flew up and grabbed him, and flew straight into the sky.
Sure, you might as well try that. You’ve had an excellent track record so far.
…
> I looked up and after a few seconds, I saw Darksteel flying downwards, Richard held close to him. What is he doing?
Oh, hell no. Don’t tell me he’s going to pull another Sonic Rainboom.
…
> He began picking up speed. Going faster and faster till... He broke the sound barrier.
Damn it. He is.
…
> A sonic wave of darkness, that was somehow bright
Words have meanings, Kickass222urmom. Darkness, by definition, can’t be bright. And sound and light aren’t the same, you can’t call that sonic.
…
> filled with hate and anger expanded across the sky.
How does that work? How can you tell a “wabe of darkness” is filled with hate and anger?
…
> Suddenly, he performed a second sonic boom, picking up more speed.
There are no words capable of expressing the emptiness inside of me right now. Well, there are, bt I doubt you’d like to read five paragraphs of uninterrupted swearing.
…
> When he neared the ground, he threw his father forward and leaned upward, shooting into the sky.
I’m sure the sheer G forces should be enough to liquefy Richard’s organs, but since he’s been established to be invincible, leaving him alone is probably a bad idea.



>>Chapter 53 - Part 10
…
> I saw Darksteel holding Richard up in front of him, screaming at him, "...YOU FOR ALL THIS! YOU HURT ALL MY FRIENDS! MY WIFE!
If only there had been an already established way of instantly sending you to somewhere else.
…
> AND YOU CAUSED ME TO DESTROY MOST OF CANTERLOT!
No, that was pretty much you, there was nothing preventing you from going to the other side of the mountain. Or anywhere else, for that matter; you have wings.
…
> I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY!"
Please tell me that at least you’re going to kill him.
…
> Darksteel smiled, "Nope, I'm doing the best thing. I'm banishing you to the center of the earth, and imprisoned you in a cell of indestructible darksteel!"
You might as well kill him then! Even if you don’t factor in the sheer pressure and heat, which I’m sure you won’t, how the hell are you going to keep him fed? Are you going to appoint a guard to descend to the center of the earth to get him food and water every day?
And just what the hell is “darksteel” supposed to be?
…
> Darksteel smirked, "I would." His horn began to glow darkly, the tip becoming brighter and brighter. He touched it to Richard's head and laughed, "Bye my dear old father!"
You are clearly taking pleasure in this. Is anyone going to question this later? I mean, even Lance said that you looked corrupted, and he’s more dense than lead.
…
> Darksteel collapsed to the ground. He changed back to his normal from in a flash of bright light.
So… Is this “Darksteel” supposed to be just a power up?
…
> I chuckled, which hurt my chest, "Oh yeah, I'm great."
Psh, broken ribs, who cares about that sort of things?
…
> <What about everyone else?>
> {They're fine Dawn, don't worry.}
How do you know? David got embedded in a wall. Greg’s stash was obliterated. I’m sure someone got thrown through your house.
Shouldn’t you at least check on them?



>>Chapter 53 - Part 11
…
> "LANCE GREENFIELD! Look at what you've done! You've completely destroyed your house and and part of mine!"
I’m glad to know she’s outgrown her over protective personality. Look at her, she doesn’t care that her son almost died.
…
> Princess Celestia looked down at me from her throne, "I've heard you can talk to your conscience's, am I correct?"
This will be the perfect excuse for opening that Mental Asylum.
…
> She continued to smile, "Do you remember a pony by the name, Razor Graze?"
Hell knows I don’t. There have been so many OC’s that I can barely keep track of them.
…
> I smiled. Of course I remember him, me and the others was sent to his dimension a month ago.
What? When the hell did that—
…
>(Read Killjoy's story for this. Read the crossover chapter.)
You inserted a note in the middle of his internal monologue?
Also, no I am not reading another shitty tie in for this story. It’s not as if it help this make sense.
…
> It was pretty fun, and he was a cool kinda guy.
Wasn’t he called Omnius? Blegh, screw it.
…
>"I think he can help you and your conscience's be able to work together better.
It amazes me how everyone just takes this in stride, as if it suddenly sprouting new personalities is a completely normal thing.
…
> And also how to control it better.
Wait, is he going to control them, or work with them?
Those are not the same thing, Kickass222urmom!
…
> I smiled to myself. This was going to be fun!
No… No it’s not.