This is unrelated, but also rellated to what happened yesterday. I understand that the situation was an explosion of some pent up feelings. If this is the case, I want to address them. I'm basically going to dump out what I think about you and spare no feelings because I didn't sleep last night thinking about this, and every time I replay the pull where aly yelled at me in my mind I feel nauseous. I don't want it to happen again.

Out of everyone on the guild, you are the person I have needed to whisper regarding performance and "getting used to the guild" the most in my time Suspect. Even now I don't get the impression that you enjoy being here and I can't think of the reason why. You didn't want to move tranq, didn't justify why you didn't want to move it, and when you did move it I knew you were against it. Why? I don't know. Because you thought it was the best way to deal with people getting destroyed by the mark? Because you wanted to do more healing in the first minute of the fight? I don't know the reason. Also the fact that I wasn't here the first night of progression so I didn't know how you guys were handling it. I made plenty of dumb mistakes since it was my first night, and I hadn't clarified exactly what we were doing before hand. That was my fault, but in my defense I've been in the hospital for the past 4 days. I also didn't communicate why I wanted to move it. This was also my mistake. The difference is that I'm the healing officer and I'm in charge of organizing cooldowns. I'm by no means perfect at this, and an example is that tranqing there is perfectly fine. I said in healer chat a couple of times that it's just a different way of doing the fight, and we can work with tranqing where you originally had it, but you thought that I was mad and that led to a lot of silly stuff. Later on during the night, we were able to survive without using tranq or devo once or twice, but it put the raid at risk for a wipe for no reason and that's something I absolutely will not allow to happen. My mistake was that I wasn't decisive enough. Borg talked to me yesterday and he told me that instead of "suggesting" moving tranq at the start, I should have told you to do it. Even if it was wrong and we changed it back, I needed to put my foot down and clarify exactly what we were doing. I'm not good at using my authority because I'm shy as a person and I trust all the healers equally to do what's best. I rarely have to make a decision like that, in fact the last time this was a problem was during mythic imperator progression. Regardless, being indecisive hurts the raid even more than an incorrect decision. I'm responsible for our 20 raiders and I need to work on prioritizing the raid as a whole over individuals that I like.

    You said that Pearl and I always make it so that we top the meters, which is blatantly untrue. Disc and holy pally have been strong all expansion, and they're always slightly stronger than the other healers. On top of that I think Pearl is one of the best Discs in the world. That being said, if you have a problem with the way healing cooldowns are set up, like I said before, suggest and justify a change. Tyddus told me that he gave you a homework assignment to set up raid cooldowns for Xhul, but when the time came you had nothing. It's frustrating if you're not happy with the way I set up cooldowns, yet don't offer suggestions. This happened before (during Fel Lord) where you weren't happy with your tranq location, but only brought it up after we had killed the boss. Now we have a good system for it, but kinda late since we have it (mostly) on farm. Tranq is our biggest and most powerful raid cooldown, but it also needs time and needs you standing still in order to make it work, as opposed to Revival which is instant and can be used whenever. These characteristics make Revival much more appealing in a progression setting than Tranq, but that's going into a more in-depth converstaion about healing philosophy.

When you first joined the guild, you and Aly pretty much told me the same thing about you as a player/person. "If there's a problem, tell me and I'll fix it." While this seems fine and certainly a good quality to have, the better solution is "If there's a problem, I'll fix it." I expect my healers to be at the top of their game and you are our weakest healer. Why? Because you don't prepare ahead of time. I've compared your logs with rdruids from close guilds (Nerd Crew, Addiction) and from top parsing guilds. Early during your time in Suspect we talked about improving your Harmony uptime, which is something you absolutely kick ass at now. 100% or close to it every pull every boss. Beautiful. The problem is, you've got a bunch of other abilities that you need to know when to use and they differ in priority fight by fight. On Gorefiend progression, I had to go through logs to find out exactly what you needed to do to improve healing on the essences underneath. Something that is easy to do, but a bit frustrating when I have to do it for you, as well as worrying about doing things quickly in between pulls. Raid time in between pulls is not the best time to go through logs. Same thing for Tyrant healing. As a whole I've noticed you don't use Nature's Swiftless enough, don't cast Rejuv enough, cast Regrowth too much, and put too much emphasis on Wild Mushroom even if we're not stacked. I've never seen you talk to us about rdruid specific stuff for logs, or even mention logs, which tells me you either avoid them or don't know how to use them. Pearl talks all the time about his shields, Borg is pretty quiet, but he gets excited when he grabs a nice Revival. If you don't know how to use warcraftlogs, I will always be willing to teach you how to compare casts, priority targets, and cooldown usage. The thing is you've never come up to me or the others for help. The vibe I get from your play is "If it ain't broke don'f fix it" which is really the opposite of what I want. I'm shit at this game, and I'm completely serious when I say I look through every boss fight log every week and compare what I'm doing vs top ranking holy paladins. In general, my holy prisms are really weak and my casts per minute are slightly behind where they should be. I also don't use a channeled mana pot every fight, which I absolutely should. This is something Pearl is better at doing than me. He always ends the fight with 0% mana and uses his mana at the most efficient parts of the fight, rather than going from 100% to 0% in the last 30 seconds. If you ever get a chance to look at our logs, look at Resources>Mana for Pearl. It's always a diagonal line with a mana pot thrown, which is the ideal for any healer.

The point is that nobody, no matter who it is, is good enough at this game to not stop improving. The rest of us push each other to try to do our best, and I feel that you don't participate in that. If that's because you don't feel close to us, it's something that needs to be fixed. You've been in this guild for almost 4 months and we want you to stay, but we want you to push yourself wish us and actively try to involve yourself in what we do. Nothing's gonna change if we don't fix it, and hopefully this is the first step.