I'll be a Boyfriend for Halloween part I greentext (mantis)

>"Anon I don't know what to wear this year, Halloween is around the corner and I can't think of a costume"
>Every year you get caught up in this discussion
"It's almost two months until Halloween, can't you think of it later?"
>"No, I need to plan it out ahead so I can make the perfect costume"
>You're friends wives always ask you what costumes they should wear for Halloween
>They assume that since you're single that you know what a guy really wants
>Right now you want to be left alone
"Just ask them, they'll be honest with you, and that way you don't have to sneak around"
>"That won't work, we've tried that, they always say that we don't need to wear anything"
"Fine...try being a pirate this year"
>"A pirate? Like the movies?"
"Yeah, have all the girls make pirate costumes so you can be a pirate crew"
>"Anon that's amazing, thank you so much. Anon do you have any plans for Halloween?"
"No, and if you plan on making me go on a blind date again."
>"Anon come on, she just wants to have din-"
>You hang the phone up and lock the door to your house
>Halloween is the worst time of year to be a single guy
>Every monster is always hitting on you with their costume or just raping you
>Usually just raping you
>In recent years you've even had to start boarding up your house and hiding in the basement
>That only works half of the time
>The other half you get raped by a nurse, ninja or witch
>Last year all 3
>These holiday shenanigans are getting old, the only way to avoid them seems to get married
>Either way it's a lose lose scenario, now you just need to pick the one that involves less rape

>Wait a minute, Halloween is about pretending to be something you're not
>Anon you genius you've done it again
>You grab your phone and call back the most recent outfit troubled wife
"Hi, listen I was rude, I want to go on that date"
>"Really Anon, that's glad to hear, I was worried you wanted to keep being alone and miserable"
>You're not THAT miserable
"What is she like exactly? What monster is she"
>"Well her name is Monica, I know her from my job. She is a manti-"
>You panic and start knocking on the wall
"Sorry but someone is at the door, let me call you back later"
>You hang up before sitting down on your couch
>Of course her friend had to be the thing you were trying to avoid
>So now you're back to square one on trying to avoid being raped, no fake girlfriend to hide behind
>You're about to give up when you hear a knocking at your door
>You open your door to the smug smile of your neighbor, the worst one in your opinion
>"Hi Anon, I heard that you're the expert on costumes, I wanted to know if you wanted to help my shop for one"
>Costumes aren't even on sale yet
>They probably won't be for another 2 or 3 weeks
>This will only end badly

"Why not ask this weeks boyfriend to help you?"
>"Real funny Anon, he couldn't make the cut for any long term relationship"
"With your standards no one can"
>"I don't know Anon, you showed some promise"
"Shut up, and sorry but I can't help you right now, I have a date with another girl"
>You're going to have to take the rape if it means avoiding neighborhood rapist
>"Oh really, what's her name?"
"Monica, don't know what she is but we're supposed to have a date tomorrow so I need to get ready"
>"Want me to help, I know how to make a man 'presentable'
>No thanks, you know what she means by that already
"Some of the wives want to go as a pirate crew, go see them about it"
>You close the door on her and start to panic again
>You call back your pseudo pimp
"Sorry, someone else needed help with a costume, what is she now?"
>"Oh, her name is Monica and she is a mantis"
>Oh god why did it have
>What
"A Mantis?"
>"Yeah, the bug with the scythe arms"
>This might be the Halloween you get away clean

>You spend the night with a dumb grin on your face
>You just got a pass out of rape, how can you not be happy
>When you wake up in the morning you make sure you are at your best
>You need this girl for 2 months, you need to make her stick until Halloween is over

>You arrive at the place the date is supposed to be
>The wife who set it up is waiting for you with your date
>A dragon that could be mistaken for a mountain and a mantis that is dressed a little too formal for a blind date
>"Anon over here. Anon this is Monica, Monica Anon"
>You get a closer look at your rape shield, she is wearing a blue dress and wearing a hat that a racist grandma in the movies would wear
"Hi there, so Ashley told me you two work together?"
>She doesn't answer right away, instead she seems to scan you over, her eyes staring into yours for an awkward amount of time
>"Yes...she takes care of the actual materials while I only count them"
>Why does she only count
>You see her claws and fill in the answer
>She looks like she could cut steel with those
>If she was a farm worker she could cut down entire fields of corn in minutes
>Stop staring Anon before she kills you
"Alright, wanna go have something to drink, I know a shop down the street with coffee that will give you insomnia"
>She nods as you take the back of her claw and lead her down the street
>If this girl founds out your plan you're going to experience something worse than rape

>You arrive at the coffee shop and order your drinks
>While you wait you can't help but notice a crowd of women on the otherside of the street
>A few of them have binoculars
>You even recognize a few of them
>They are the wives of the neighborhood
>Are they stalking your date
>You notice the local rape addict amongst them
>Do you live in a sitcom or something
>You get your drinks and some food and head over to a table
>The two of you talk for a while, mostly about eachother, where you work, how you know the date arranger
>Half way into the conversation you notice she isn't drinking or eating
"Monica, is something wrong?"
>"No Anon, everything is fine, why do you ask"
"Your coffee and food is going to get cold, why don't you eat?"
>"If I try to i'll just cut everything, I need you to feed me"
>What
"I'm sorry, what?"
>"I need you to feed me and lift the cup for me"
>Why is nothing ever normal for you
"I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner"
>You lift her pastry to her mouth as she takes a bite, you let her drink her coffee afterwards, wiping her chin off with a napkin inbetween snack breaks
>You can almost hear the stalkers let out a sigh at how cute they think that was

>You spend the next few minutes helping her finish off her food
>When she finishes off her doughnut she grabs your hand and keeps it in place
>Well she doesn't really grab it, she just kind of pins it between the unbladed parts of her arms
"Is something still wrong Monica?"
>"No, but you are going to take my icing."
>What, from the doughnut?
>Before you can say anything she puts your finger in her mouth
>What the hell
>You can feel her lick the icing off of your finger, her tongue being through in taking all of her snack
>She does this for every finger before letting go
>"Anon what's the matter? Was that inappropriate?"
>Like hell it was
"No, just next time don't be so sudden about it"
>Her face turns a light shade of red
>"There is going to be a next time?"
>There has to be, until November hits anyway
"Why wouldn't there, you seem like a nice girl"
>You help her finish off her coffee before leaving the shop
>She tells you where to drop her off, the location presumably being her house

>When you arrive at what you can only assume is her house you almost have a heart attack
>She doesn't live in a house but in a gated community
>It's like something out of the movies, complete with a gate that she has to beep you through
>She guides you to her house in particular, a black and white 3 story house
>Mansion would be a better word for it
>You feel so inadequate right now
>"Thank you for the date Anon, sorry about the finger licking"
"It's fine Monica, just warn me next time alright?"
>She nods before going inside
>You drive away, having to ask the guard to let you out
>You arrive back home, locking the door behind you when you see your least favorite manticore trailing behind you
>This is going to be a weird Halloween