Neckbeard in Equestria 7

>Fluttershy knocks on the front door as you munch on your cereal.
>You look at the box:
>”Celestia’s Sugar O’s. Now with EXTRA sugar!”
>Damn…why couldn’t you be dating the hot sister?
>You reach in the bag and grab a large handful of the puffed corn and shovel it into your mouth.
>Some of the breakfast falls out of your hand and onto the floor. Whatever.
>You chew with your mouth open to properly grind up all the puffs.
>Still not sweet enough, though. You take the spoon from your bowl and quickly shovel a few spoonfuls of sugar into your mouth.
>As you munch on the grainy goodness, you see Fluttershy’s muzzle poke out through the mail slot in your front door.
>”A-are you done, Anonymous?”
>You gulp hard and directly lick the scattered sugar granules off of your messy table before rising up to open the door.
>The meek yellow pegasus looks up at your towering figure.
Yes, I’m done. What do you want?
>Fluttershy moves in a little closer and takes a deep inhale.
>Her eyes flutter as a long grin forms on her mouth.
>”I-I see you didn’t sh-shower today…”
>She licks her lips a little.
>”…good…”
>God this pony is weird, does she not know anything?
Well duh, of course I didn’t! Estrus is coming up soon and I want to make sure that I’m a prime contender for all the mares in Ponyville…especially Rarity…my soul mate.
>You take a breath from your armpits.
I must be drenched in sex appeal.
>You hoist your pants and go to adjust your imaginary bowtie, but hesitate; Fluttershy is a little slow and might not get the joke. No need to embarrass her.
>Fluttershy takes another whiff from your stomach area before nudging a spot with her nose.
>”Mmm…what is that?”
>You stretch your shirt out to see the stain obscured under your convex stomach.
Oh, that’s…
>You bring it to your mouth and test the flavor of the crusty splotch with your tongue.
>Just as you suspected.
It’s honey. I was dipping my pizza in it.
>Fluttershy lets out a jagged sigh.
>”That’s really…”
>She bites her lip and whispers.
>”…creative…”
>She looks at you half-seductively.
Yeah sure whatever I guess.
>Fluttershy seems to perk up.
>”Oh, uhm…a-are you going to town? Th-there’s a festival g-going on.”
>A festival? That means food. If there’s food, then that also means vendors. Vendors with money will surely attract villains and thieves.
>Now’s your chance to show all these supple mares your heroic side so you can have your pick at the litter.
>You reach for your katana and slip it into the leg and waistband of your sweatpants after putting on your flip flops.
>A quick tip of the fedora and you look at your yellow companion.
Let’s get outta this joint.
>Fluttershy nods happily and trots beside you as you enter the town.
>Sure enough, there is a festival going on. There are streamers and food stalls, as well as a banner.
>”Oh, Anon isn’t it great?”
>Fluttershy hovers a little and smiles at you.
>You take a glance around the town. Everyone is working together and laughing and generally enjoying themselves.
Pfft…I guess.
>You push past Fluttershy to Applejack’s stand where she’s selling deep fried fritters.
>It’s about time for a snack…you’re feeling a little famished as you walk up to the apple stand.
Jeeze. I hope you have something to eat.
>Applejack turns to you and Fluttershy.
>”Hey y’all, what can I get ya?”
>You cringe at her words. Applejack’s accent has always bothered you. It’s an insult to the already shameful English Language. If everyone spoke as fluent Japanese as you, things would be much smoother.
I don’t know. Do you have anything that’s…not apples?
>The simple southern pony raises her eyebrow at you.
>”Uhh…”
>Oops, faux paux; you forgot that Applejack isn’t as bright as the other residents in Ponyville.
Oh of course, where are my manners…
>You annunciate and stress your syllables.
I WANT….FOOD. NO…APPLE. CAN YOU GIVE?
>Ponys around you stare at you.
>You turn around and wave them on.
It’s okay, citizens…just bartering with this underclass, blue collar family.
 >Applejack quickly turns around and drops a slice of cherry pie for you on the table in front of you.
>Huh. Looks like she understood you after all….either that, or she’s good at guessing.
>You quickly cram the pastry in your mouth.
>It’s still warm. The syrupy filling spills out all over your shirt.
>You manage to catch a runaway cherry on your shirt and eat it.
>As you turn around at the grumbling redneck pony, you spot something behind you.
>While licking your fingers clean, you look Rainbow Dash over.
>It all makes sense now: she’s here because this is a gay pride celebration.
Hey, Dash.
>The dikey pegasus snorts at you before addressing you in a derisive tone.
>”Hey…”
>Jeeze…not like you were trying to make a move on her.
>You look back to your quiet companion.
Come on; let’s go back home…this is stupid.
 >A few pony couples seem to gasp at your words. It must be hard to speak what surely must be on everyone’s mind already.
>This burden is yours alone.
>Fluttershy trots behind you with her head hung low. She seems to be getting glares from the ponys around her.
>It must be tough to know they’re all jealous of her being with you; not that you want to be with her anyways, though.
>As you reenter your lair, Fluttershy shuts the door behind her.
>You remove your fedora and toss it into the room and fling your shoes off.
Well that was stupid. Why did you drag me out there anyways?
>Fluttershy hangs her head, but can’t hide her smile.
>”S-sorry. Do you want to play a game with me, An-nonymous?”
>A game would surely show dominance to the already timid Fluttershy. It could be a good lesson to her to teach her to be more assertive.
Yeah sure I guess.
>The pegasus releases an excited chirp as she digs a dirty Pony Cola bottle from the trash.
>”H-have you ever p-played spin the bottle, Anon?”
>You ponder the question and recall a time playing with your bi-gender, bisexual lover you met on a video chat room one time.
Yes, I know how. Jeeze Flutter-chan, you act like I’ve never been around the ladies before!
>You snort hard as you laugh at the absurd assumption.
 >Fluttershy bites her lip at you.
>”O-oh…h-how silly of me…”
>You look down at the bottle and wrap your greasy fingers around it and give it a forceful spin.
>Fluttershy’s eyes follow the mouth of the glass as it rotates on the floor, as do yours.
  >It finally lands a little left of Fluttershy, pointing at your bed.
>Her eyes light up as she puckers her lips and moves toward you.
>What is she doing? Is she stupid or something.
Flutter-chan, stop it.
>You stand up and walk past the delusional pony and grab the long pillow from the side of the bed.
>Fluttershy looks at you confused.
>”W-what’s that?”
>You snort at her ignorance as you thrust the pillow in her face.
>She’s obviously not used to seeing finely crafted Japanese body pillows.
>You trace the lines of your anime character’s body that you painstakingly traced on the long pillow with permanent marker.
>On the face on the pillow is scrawled her name:
>”Luna”.
>”Pfft…it’s obviously a dakimakura! Jeeze, Flutter-chan…you’re definitely not waifu material like her.”
>Just as her blank face starts inspecting the pillow closer, you shy it away from her as she notices the heavy staining on the pillows crotch area.
>She wouldn’t understand.
>”Uhm…I…”
>You look into Luna’s eyes. You drew them the best you could. Her’s are about as uneven in real life.
>That really bothers you.
>Everything you want her to be in this form…and more.
>Right here in your arms.
Flutter-chan…I need to be alone for a moment.
>”Wh-wha..?”
>You rush the pegasus outside your door and shut it.
Please…
>You hold Luna in your arms and unbutton your pants.
Just for a moment.