Between Good and Evil

Between Good and Evil
by Darien Shields
Chapter One

Evil tasted good.

Also like strawberries.

   Lucy rolled the translucent head of the lollipop against her lips, enjoying the smooth sensation of saliva slick sugar against her skin. She held the lolly away from her lips and took a long, satisfied lick of it, savoring the feeling of it between the fork of her tongue. Delicious.

And now, the final touch.

She looked down at the gurgling pink mass of flesh in the pram in front of her. Chosen to inherit the Earth, apparently. Well, here you go, little guy, you can have your sweet back. She popped the lollipop back where it belonged, between the baby's lips.

Mmmm.

It was good to be evil.

The only thing better than taking candy from a baby- a rare enough treat these days- wa-

"Ow. Ow, wh- no. No, that was evil, damn it. That was evil."

Lucy's tummy was beginning to glow.

   In some people such a statement could be taken lightly, but Lucy was an exception. She had a lot of tummy. Her bloated middle dwarfed her diminutive figure, bulging out past her hips, extending full feet in front of her figure. Behind the gargantuan dome of flesh her head and shoulders poked up like a tower overlooking a vast fortress. Its peak had long since passed beyond the reach of her arms, swelling on out over her knees and beyond her toes. Now even her tail couldn't wrap around far enough to tap her belly button.

So when this particular tummy started to glow, it was a little like the Hindenburg exploding. A beam of golden light shot out from her navel, and then spread on out, as if her stomach was a not-so-tiny planet covered in cities only now coming to life and light. The lights knit together in a brilliant weave of light until her entire stomach was a blinding star before her. All eyes turned to it, and then turned away as the golden rays became too much for anyone to take.

Lucy rolled her eyes.

They were growing.

   The oblong sun snuggled underneath her breasts spread out slightly, adding a dozen inches to its grand equator. Inside something rolled over, and she felt the shift as countless unseen bodies made use of the new space. Then, gradually, they settled down, and it was over. The light faded to a glow, and then her skin went from shining gold to a bright, angry red.

Oh, that was normal, though. Her skin was always red.

She was a demon, after all.

   "That," she informed the belly, "Was evil. Just for reference. It wasn't a good deed. You're just morons. I sexed that lollipop up. That baby's probably going to grow up into a pole dancer or something now. It was villainous."

Someone kicked softly near the front. They never kicked too hard- they were far too nice to hurt their mama.

Lucy sneered.

   "So what, I gave it back? That doesn't make it a good deed. If you guys could just shrink back or something, that'd be great."

Her belly refused to shrink.

"Dicks."

Her belly remained the same size, but it felt a little guilty. She supposed that would have to do.

Everyone was staring at her.

   This was not really much out of the ordinary. Lucy was incredibly hot, and naturally all the humans around desperately wanted to have sex with her. So she got a lot of stares, but who could blame them, really, when you were as sexy as she was?

She was also a demon, but that wasn't really an issue. She heard the humans were all 'forward thinking' now and had given up on racism and things, so probably nobody much noticed the fact that every inch of her skin from tip to toe was a deep, blood red. Except, of course, for her glossy black lips. She expected those attracted some attention, on account of being much sexier than her skin. Although she had some pretty sexy skin, that was for sure. Some of it covered her bottom, and more of it covered her immense breasts, and she figured those were pretty damn sexy.

She was also ever so slightly pregnant, but she didn't think humans paid much heed to that sort of thing either, after all, the damn pink things were pregnant all the time, judging by the numbers of them that were scurrying around. Her belly did get a lot of stares, though, but that was because of the hot piercing threaded through her distant navel. That was very sexy. Well, it was almost certainly very sexy. She wasn't absolutely sure. She had not seen her belly button in five hundred years.

She looked around at the stunned on lookers who were gaping at her belly. She picked out the cutest one and sent a wink that could have launched a thousand ships in their direction. Considering the sheer ship launching power of such a wink, it wasn't very surprising that the girl gulped and then sprinted off rapidly in the opposite direction.

"Mmmm," Lucy said, patting her belly, "Mama's still got it."

That was enough wanton sexyism for now. She needed a seat.

   She waddled heavily towards the nearest benches. She examined them for a moment and then reached over- very carefully- and snapped a single plank out from where the back of the bench curved into the seat. Then she sat down.

The wood creaked and groaned, but it held.

Her tail slipped through the hole she had made and draped down to the paving stones beneath.

Her tail was such a pain in the ass.

Literally.

   They seem all cool and fancy, right up until you try to sit down and feel two hundred pounds of pregnant demon crushing down on three feet of poorly padded cartilage. It was almost as much of a pain as the belly.

   Lucy leaned back and let the belly slide down between her legs. Over the crimson horizon of bump she could see the ornate fountain that formed the centerpiece of the park. It was really a beautiful piece of workmanship- tiered with stepped platforms bedecked with carefully sculpted cherubs spraying dozens of streams of water into the air, pooling in a vast basin below.

Lucy wondered if she'd ever had sex in that fountain. Then she started wondering if she could have sex in the fountain now, if she hadn't already. Desecrating stuff was hot.

"Lovely day, isn't it?"

   Lucy was jolted from her thoughts by a voice beside her. She looked over to see an old woman stumbling towards her, her eyes obscured by black glasses that pointed off into space.

Ah.

She was blind.

   That explained why this woman was not instantly bowled over by Lucy's sexiness. Everyone else in the park- everyone who hadn't run away- was watching her as if she were some rare and exotic but extremely dangerous sort of wild animal. Like a T-Rex that had suddenly appeared in the park, screwed around with someone's lollipop and then sat down on a bench. At the same time she was a fascinating creature that they might never see again in their lives, but on the other hand, there was a distinct possibility she would eat them alive.

"Yes," Lucy said, "It is."

She did not get the opportunity to talk to the humans much, so she decided to tolerate this one. It might be interesting.

"Do you mind if I sit down here, young lady?" the blind woman said, gesturing vaguely in the direction of the bench.

   "Go ahead," Lucy said, gesturing to the vacant seat. She then realised how completely and utterly pointless this was, and slapped her forehead.

"Thank you, dear, you're a saint," the old woman said.

Lucy felt a familiar warmth begin to build up under her navel.

   "N-no-" she said, "I'm really not. I- it was just- well- it's a free seat. It's not like you need my permission or anything. Err, hag."

Insults were a sure fire way to be evil.

"What's that, dear?" the woman said, cupping a hand to her ear.

Deaf, too?

Oh come on.

"I said you don't need my permission- it's a free bench," she said.

"Oh, well, of course, dear, but there's them as would spit on you as soon as look at you, and you ain't one of them."

Lucy spat at the old woman, but missed and hit a passing pigeon instead.

Her belly continued to glow.

"So," the old woman said, "What brings you here?"

Lucy bit her lip. If this kept up she'd be up to her neck in good deeds before she knew it.

   "Whore," she said, "I'm a whore. You know, whoring, mistressing, that sort of thing. I was looking for young innocent lads to corrupt with my horrible amoral ways."

"Oooh," the old woman said, her wrinkled lips pursing into the sort of smile she probably used on her grandchildren. "How exciting! I always wanted to be one of those."

"...... you... what? Wait- what?"

"Meet all sorts of people," she said, "Have some fun, make some money. I used to be quite the looker, you know?"

   Lucy's brow wiggled through the motions of a confused frown, before deflating under the force of a sigh. The glow in her bump was spreading out into a wide bulging warmth, and there wasn't much she could do about it. She decided to ignore it.

"I suppose," she said, "The people are... well, some of them are interesting. Lot of boring guys too, though, you know. And it's sort of like chocolate. You know what they say about working in a chocolate factory?"

"That you get very very fat very very fast?" the old woman said.

Lucy thought about this.

   "Well," she said, "I was going to say you get sick of chocolate, but actually what you said makes more sense. Chocolate is still sexy, but now I am very very fat."

The woman grinned, this time showing a collection of yellowed teeth that had somehow refused to be replaced by dentures.

"When are you due?" she said.

"How did you know I was-?" Lucy started, but trailed off when she saw the withered cheeks riding in another smile.

   The woman raised her black glasses. Her right eye was milky white, so thick with cataracts that it was hard to even tell where the pupil was supposed to be. Her left was clouded, but a faint green iris was still visible beneath the mist.

"I'm not completely blind, you know," she said, "Just mostly. I can see a big blurry girl beside me. I think you might have had a little bit too much of the sun, by the way, dear."

"Quite," Lucy said.

"So," the old woman said, "When are you due?"

Lucy scratched at what regions of her belly she could reach.

"It's... I'm... There are complications."

The old woman nodded gravely.

"He's... That is... we are from different worlds," Lucy said, "And our parents absolutely hate each other."

"Mmm," the old woman said, "Is he rich?"

"... I thought you were supposed to say something like 'as long as you're in love, that's all that matters'," Lucy said.

The woman grinned again.

   "True love is nice, dear, but when you've been around the block as many times as I have, you know it's nice to get some money first. See, if he has true love, you can't really get that out of him with a divorce settlement, but if he's rich..."

"You are a very strange person," Lucy said in an amused voice.

   "I am old," the old woman said, "When you get to my age, you don't care much about what other people think anymore. I do hope he's rich, dear, because you look like an awfully big blurry girl."

"His dad is into property development," Lucy said, "You should see what they can do to a place in six days."

"Well, just so long as you inherit, I suppose."

Lucy felt a ripple run through her tummy. Maybe the babies were just getting antsy.

"I like you," Lucy said, "If you ever die, look me up."

   She dipped a hand into her cleavage and rummaged around. After a few seconds she plucked out a small red rectangle of card out. Orange flames danced along the edges. She handed it to the old woman who took grasped at it once she knew it was there, and seemed oblivious to the flames.

"Pardon?" she said, smiling in polite incomprehension.

   "Just keep it handy when you're buried," Lucy said, "Anyway, all this talking makes me want to go and see a certain someone..."

With difficulty she levered herself up and off the bench, until she was once again standing on her own two feet.

   "Never change," she said, winking at the blind woman. Then with considerably less difficulty than she had needed to stand up in the first place, she disappeared in cloud of smoke, leaving only the smell of brimstone behind.

The old woman peered at the business card in her hand, but there was no making it out, not with her eyes. She shrugged and slipped it into her pocket.

"What a nice young girl."





Raphael yawned and glanced at his wrist watch.

20:10:02:06:01:13:55

He scratched his head.

Was it a new millennium already?

His shift had to almost be over.

A few chords of music rung out over his head before being drowned out by a choice of Hallelujah over and over again. He frowned. That was just what he needed- another call at this time. He reached up and grasped his halo. He turned the gold band carefully around in his fingers until he found the "answer" button and pressed it.

"Hello?" he said.

"Raph'? This is dispatch, we've got a report of a #329 in progress somewhere one the the west coast of the US, you think you could swing by and handle it?"

Raphael's ears pricked up.

"A #329? You sure, Milly?"

"Mmhmm," the voice said, echoing out of his halo.

"I haven't seen a #329 in- since-"

"Yeah, it's been a while," she said, "This might be one of those places where fools rush in, y'know?"

Raphael shivered. Those were scary places.

"Yeah," he said, "I'll take care. Okay, on my way now, over and out."

   Well, well. A #329. That almost made up for the fact that this was certainly going to put him onto overtime. He flapped his wings a few times and repositioned them to change his trajectory. He began to descend through the pristine white cloud banks.

This ought to be interesting.





"M-my- I didn't expect someone so fast, Father...?"

"Please, just call me Raphael," the priest said, flashing a glowing smile to the young woman.

"O-of course-" she said, nodding, "It's just that we- we- we only called the Bishop twenty minutes ago."

Great. They had called a Bishop. Didn't that just make his day complete?

"Well, you know what they say," Raphael said, a twinkle in his eye, "The Lord works in mysterious ways."

"Yes, but, um, well... Usually the church works in much slower ones, is all," the woman said.

Raphael laughed. That was at least one saving grace to organized religion, they were never very quick off the mark.

"Well, anyway," he said, "All that matters is that I'm here to help, sister...?"

"Sister Maria," she said, bowing slightly.

   "Maria," Raphael said, "Pleased to meet you. Well, we have certain protocols in this sort of situation, and it's important for a fast reaction. What with the press, the media, rights groups, all the other Christian groups, the legions of Hell and suchlike, it's best to get a handle on everything before we're dealing with a full scaled invasion of the damned- or worse, paparazzi."

The nun nodded, although a little uncertainly.

"Now, if you could just take me to the lady in question- if she's alright, that is- and we can discuss the blessed event."

The nun nodded.

"Just this way, Father," she said, "She's resting in a private room."

   Raphael was lead through the small and winding corridors around the back of the church, until finally they stood before a small door.

Maria knocked.

"Sister?" she said, "There's a priest here who would like to see you, if that's all right?"

"I'm just here to talk," Raphael said, "When you are ready."

There was a pause.

"Sister?" Maria said, and knocked again.

A weak, uncertain voice came back.

"He can- can come in if it's... alone," the voice said.

Maria's brow furrowed, and she glanced at Raphael. He waved a hand at her and gave her his best It'll be alright look. She seemed to accept it.

"Okay," she said, "I'll just be in the vestibule if you need me."

"Th-thank you," the voice said.

Raphael gave the nun another warm smile, a certain nodded, and then very lightly opened the door.

   It was only when he'd set foot in the room that he suddenly realised that he hadn't gotten the name of the young woman. Oh dear. That might be a problem.

As it happened, it was not.

The door clicked shut behind him, and suddenly something very big, very round, and very heavy, threw him down to the floor. Before he could try and get up, someone walked over and sat on him. Someone with an awful lot of extra sitting power.

"Hello, lover."

"Lucy?!"

Raphael rolled around on the floor with difficulty. He managed to get onto his back, but was still pinned by- oh dear God no. By an enormous red belly, that was currently planted right on top of his chest. Somewhere behind it, he knew, was the grinning face of a certain scarlet demon.

"Aww, you remember me," she said, "I'm glad. That saves a lot of introduction time that we could use to have sex."

Raphael tried to drag himself out and up, but only managed to free a few inches of himself from underneath the red colossus.

   "Would you knock it off?" he said, "Some poor girl around here has had an immaculate conception, and I've got to find her to- to- why are you giggling?"

Giggling was possibly not the right word for the all over body tremor that was rippling through Lucy at that moment. The high, fluting laughter coming out of her mouth was definitely a hysterical giggle, but the bounce of her belly against his chest was something altogether more seismic.

"Oooh, Father Raphael," she said, adopting a sickeningly sweet voice, "I just don't know what to do. I was just sitting praying one night and suddenly I felt this life swelling up inside of me and now I'm like this! Whatever could a poor little girl like me do?"

Raphael managed to scuttle back far enough to get a look over the horizon of her belly, and into the foothills of her bust. She was wearing some mangled perversion of a nun's habit, although clearly massive modifications had been made to account for her figure. The robe parted around her belly, and she had torn a huge gash in the chest to allow her cleavage to show through. The hood had awkwardly been draped over her horns.

"... you," he said, "You're the #329?"

"Is that what you call it?" Lucy asked, arching an eyebrow, "How dull."

"Immaculate Conception, whatever you want to call it. Is it you?"

"Well," Lucy said, wrinkling her nose and grinning, "I just happened to feel the holy powers of Heaven entering into my body one night and I could feel that divine radiance filling me up from the inside and... nine hundred years later, here I am with a little belly to show for it."

Raphael frowned at her.

"Normally speaking, sex with an angel is not what we call an immaculate conception."

"Mmm. We just call 'em 'macculate conceptions, or #1, Lust."

Raphael pulled himself free and got to his feet.

   He reached up above his head and grasped at thin air. After a few seconds, the black clothes and clerical collar flickered and disappeared, revealing a light white toga tied over golden skin, a pair of snowy white feathered wings that had definitely not been there a minute ago, and a halo currently clutched between his hands.

 "Heaven, this is agent 763 dealing with a #329. Turns out it's a false alarm, dispatch, I'll deal with it before I wrap up my shift."

"Affirmative Raphael," Milly said, "God's speed."

Raphael rolled his eyes and pressed the button again to end the call.

Then he looked at Lucy.

She looked at him.

"... so, umm... those nuns?" he said.

   "Oh, they think I'm Sister Lucinda. And I am, actually, you wouldn't believe how handy membership in a nunnery can be sometimes, and they let almost anyone in. It took some work convincing them about the whole immaculate part, but that's one of the benefits of being so big; once people accept that you can get this pregnant, they're willing to accept a lot more to explain it. Clearly only the infinite powers of God and the Heavenly Host could get a girl this big."

"Stop it," Raphael said, "You're making fun of it, I just know it."

Lucy raised one eyebrow and placed both hands upon her hips.

"Well, somebody certainly made me get big, and I think it's about time they took a little responsibility, hmmmm?"

   Raphael felt his resistance melting like butter in a furnace hurtling into the sun. His eyes drifted down to the huge roundness of Lucy's tummy.

"You've... gotten big," he said.

"Oh, have I?" Lucy asked, batting her eyelids, "I'd never have noticed on my own."

She stuck her tongue out at him.

Raphael ignored it.

"So, does this mean that you've seen the light, denounced your wicked ways and started doing good, nourishing acts?"

The note of hope in his voice was impossible adorable to Lucy.

"Awww, you really believe that, don't you?" she asked.

Raphael sighed. "An angel can dream, can't he?"

   "Nah," she said, "Your babies are just little tiny morons. Every time I try to do something ironic, they think I'm being genuinely good and eat it up. Or whenever I'm even accidentally good. Or if I'm doing something evil that has teeeny tiny good consequences. Like, take this for example, a few years back I bought all the food from some starving country in the middle of nowhere, and then ate it all in front of them. And the babies thought I was trying to help the economy so they got huge. Although I guess eating a few hundred potatoes didn't really help, but you get the idea."

Raphael had started to grin.

Lucy frowned.

   "No," she said, "Don't you dare sympathize with them, or compliment them or whatever. Your kids are morons, Raph', and if they are inheriting anything from me it certainly isn't their smarts."

 "Awwwww," Raphael said, bending down on one knee, "Don't listen to her," he said, now apparently talking to her belly button stud, "She's just being mean and silly. I'm sure deep down she's very proud of you for being such smart, pragmatic little cutiepies."

Lucy's belly started to glow.

   "No, I'm not," she said, "He's just a liar. I really hate you all and think you're dumb. As soon as you're all born I'm sending you to a private school in Hell where you can all learn how to be evil properly."

For a moment, the glow faded, then started over, brighter.

"What are they doing?!" Lucy said.

"They are reveling in your kindness at wanting to send them to school and better themselves because deep down you really do love them."

"Arrrrgh!" Lucy shouted, "I hate angel babies."

   The problem- Lucy's problem- was that the babies took after their father. They were little tiny angel babies. And angels didn't feed on meat or fruit- what nourished them was good deeds. Just as Lucy got by by committing some sweet, delicious little sins, Raphael had to perform a few pious acts every day to keep himself from getting peaky. And in order for a bellyful of angelic babies to grow up big and strong and be born, they needed lots and lots of good deeds. Which was just about the last thing Lucy had any intention of giving them. It was embarrassing enough to get knocked up by an angel in the first place, but if her sisters found out she'd done enough 'good' to give birth to a full litter of angels, she'd never live it down.

For now, though, she resigned herself to her blinding light bulb belly and waddled over to the bed. As a visiting nun- and a heavily pregnant one at that- she had been given a guest room rather than a cell. For some reason the guest room had a double bed, something that probably puzzled most of the resident nuns. Lucy, however, appreciated it, and hopped onto it, letting her glowing belly bounce and settle on the mattress.

"Okay, whatever," she said, "The babies are getting all huge now, so I hope you're happy."

"Ecstatic," Raphael said.

"Now-"

   "Actually," Raphael said, "I, um, well, I didn't know when I'd bump into you again, I actually picked up a few things for, umm, well, for you and for the babies, to try and make you comfortable and make sure everything's going okay and, ummm... you know."

He reached up, threading a hand through his halo. It passed through, but didn't come out the other side. To the casual observer it looked as if his arm ended at the elbow, where his arm passed through the halo.

"It's um... hold on- I have it in here somewh- ahah!"

   He seemed to be rummaging around with his phantom arm, until seconds later he brought it down. Forearm, wrist and hand reappeared through the halo like some sort of elaborate parlour trick. Except for now his hand was holding a set of headphones and an MP3 player.

Lucy peered at them.

"You got me a walkman?"

"Not you," Raphael said, "It's for the babies. It's a- umm, belly phones. Watch, you pop them on like this..."

   He crossed the room and took the headphones- or 'bellyphones'- and placed them upon her bump. Little suction cups attached the phones to her skin, and the MP3 player glipped onto her habit.

"It plays them music and audio books to help educate them. They're very popular on Earth right now, I hear, and I thought they might help."

Lucy looked from the device to Raphael.

"You're really into this parenthood crap, aren't you?" she said, amused.

"Babies are very receptive," he said, "You have to start as early as you can if you don't want them to fall behind."

"I'm sure," Lucy said, "What have you even got on this, anyway?"

She yanked the suction cups off her belly and put them to her ears.

"... Handel's Messiah?"

Raphael looked sheepish.

"Amongst... other things," he said.

Lucy skipped ahead.

"Basic Maths on tape, okay. Spelling... Advanced Philosophy?"

"Children have a very firm grasp of philosophy," Raphael said, "I'm sure they'll get the hang of it."

"And... Ezekiel on tape?"

"It's... one of my favourite passages," Raphael said.

   "Ahuh," Lucy said, "Well, great, I can load this up with death metal and play it all backwards and then maybe we can start to have some fun, hmmm?"

"N-no!" Raphael said, "That's not what I meant fo-"

"Relaaaax," Lucy said, rolling her eyes, "Geeze, you're tight. You might need this even more than I do. Now shall we-"

"I have other stuff," Raphael said, "Hold on."

   He grasped the sides of the halo this time and stretched, widening the gold band until it was wider than his shoulders. Then he reached in with both arms and started rummaging.

From inside he produced a crib, a mobile (of angels dangling from giant haloes), a book on dietary concerns for pregnant women- which Lucy was quick to point out made utterly no sense considering their nature- a few sets of baby clothes for boys and girls, with little flaps to let wings pop out, bedtime books for baby angels, a huge stack of unflattering sweat pants that he thought Lucy might benefit from, and maternity shirts that might actually fit. They were, however, bright pink, and with the words Mama's Little Angels printed on the front. Lucy put them in the maybe pile.

"And, umm..."

   Raphael's hand rattled around in his halo, which was now considerably less cramped, although they were running out of floor space in the guest room.

"And this," he said, pulling out a plastic tube, "Silly, really, I know, but I thought maybe you could use some."

He handed it to her and started readjusting his halo.

Lucy looked at it.

"Cocoa butter?"

   "You rub it on your belly," he said, shrinking the halo down to a manageable size, "It keeps your skin hydrated and healthy and stops you from getting stretch marks. You don't seem to have any, but... but..."

He looked at Lucy.

She was grinning.

And purring.

She handed the tube back to him.

"Ohhhh, Raph', you do know how to make a girl happy after all. It's just what I needed... my skin's been getting so parched recently. It's just so hot and dry down in hell, you know, what with all the furnaces of eternal damnation and all. And the babies keep stretching me out. I could really use a little lotion."

Raphael bit his lip.

"Well, um, I'll just leave you to it then," he said, and tried to hand the tube back to her.

Lucy wagged a finger at him.

   "Uh-uh-uh. Just take a look, Raph'. Do you think I can reach around and rub it on? Your little darlings have gotten sooo big that I couldn't possible do this without a little help."

"Oh," Raphael said.

"You want to get to work then?" Lucy said, grinning and twirling the end of one pigtail around her finger.

"I don't know..."

   It wasn't that Raphael was not attracted to Lucy. Quite the opposite. That, in fact, was the problem. Lucy was the big, bulging red apple on the tree of knowledge, and every bite made you painfully aware of how naked she was. He could get in big trouble for being with her in the first place, and that had just been a misunderstanding. If he repeated the offense, things could go badly for both of them. And there were the babies to think about. Not that they helped, really. The thought that his little red demon girl was filled with light just gave him a terrible false hope that sooner or later she'd take the hint and turn good full time.

But, well, it wasn't like he had any choice. There was a huge pregnant woman in need languishing in front of him. Rubbing oil around her supple body had nothing to do with the fact that she was sexy. It was just the right thing to do.

"An angel has to do what an angel has to do, I suppose..."

He squirted a slug of oil into his hand and pressed it against her skin. It was hot to the touch.

"Oooh," Lucy moaned, curling her toes.

Raphael frowned.

"Look," he said, "This better not be some sort of scheme to sleep with me, okay?"

Lucy adopted her best coy, innocent look.

"Why, Raphael, whatever could give you that idea?"

Raphael rolled his eyes, "Yeah, just my imagination, I'm sure."

"Mmmmm. Now go a little lower. Lower. Like, if you could just keep getting lower I'll tell you when to stop," Lucy said.

Raphael ignored her.

   Wax on, wax off. That's all it was. Just like polishing the clouds. He just had to ignore the massive heat lurking just beneath the skin, or the smooth, slick feeling of it under his fingers. Or, for that matter, the way her rouge curves glistened. He found his hands gravitating to the metal stud in her navel, working over it again and again.

"Y-you know, you really should take this out. You might get an infection and it could be pretty bad for the babies."

   Lucy sighed and rolled her eyes, although it was impossible for Raphael to see that now, since she had reclined back below the peaks of her chest.

"Raphael, have you ever known a sick angel, or a sick demon?"

"Well, you're pretty depraved," he said.

Lucy giggled and whipped her tail.

"Thank you, dear," she said.

   For a moment, Raphael thought it was actually a good thing this job provided such an exciting moral quandary. If it weren't for the fact that he was torn between his divine nature and Lucy's diabolical sexiness, he would have been bored stiff. Well, he'd have been bored, anyway. There was just so much Lucy to cover that it could take a very long time. Not to mention that he had a funny feeling the oil was going to start evaporating off her before long.

   As it was, though, he had an exciting dilemma to face. It was like a battle of the wits, almost, between his endurance and her massive capacity for seduction. She had caught him with this oil, but if he held strong and true, he could escape, and then the next round would begin, each trying their best to outfox the other into an inescapable position.

"Okay," Lucy said, "I'm all hot now. Lets have sex."

"What? No!"

   "Awww, c'mon," Lucy said, patting the sides of her belly, "You can't tell me you don't want some. I know you, Raph', you haven't had any since the last time we got together. Do yourself a favour. C'mooon."

Raphael hopped off the bed and straightened himself up.

   "You know," he said, "For a moment there, I was actually worried you might seduce me. It's such a relief to find out you're terrible at it."

Lucy pouted.

   "I'm just a little rusty, okay? It's sort of... been a while. Look, Raph', please, I'm begging you, do it for me. It'll be a mercy lay. I am an enormous pregnant lady direly in need of some loving. That's practically a good deed! In fact, if you ask me, that's pretty much the best good deed around! What trumps that? Starving kids need food, the homeless need home, and enormous pregnant demons direly need to get fucked. So, c'mon, do a little good, why don't you?"

Raphael winced. When she put it like that, it was hard to argue with.

"I shouldn't," he said, "It is... sinful. I would be giving in to my lust."

   "Look, Raph', if it helps I can wear a bag on my head and punch you in the face every five seconds, to make it less enjoyable for you. Then you wouldn't be sinning, right? Unless you're into that sort of stuff, in which case you really should have said something last time."

Raphael shot her a withering look.

"I am not 'into that'. And that would definitely make it more sinful."

   "Fine. Look, you know, they call it the missionary position for a reason, don't they? It's 'cause you are bringing wonderful sex to poor deprived Lucys."

Raphael's face contorted in bewildered horror this time.

"H-how could you even do that right now?!"

   "Oh," Lucy said, "Uhh, good point. And I suppose the 'riding the devil' position really doesn't have any good connotations for you, does it?"

"No," Raphael said, folding his arms.

"Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaphaaaaeeeeeeeel. I am desperate here! C'mooooon. C'mooooooooon."

Raphael really couldn't believe that "C'mon" was her final argument.

Worse still, he couldn't believe it was working.

"What about the babies?" he said, "They will hate it."

   "The babies are hypocrits. They've been pumping me full of hormones for the past six hundred years. If they don't want mama to have any sex they could stop making her feel horny all the time, couldn't they?"

Her belly attempted to look contrite.

Raphael fretted.

"Come ooooonnnn, Raph'..."

"Well..."

He stepped towards her.

"I suppose..."

Her eyes began to light up.

"B-but... you do know chastity is a virtue, right?"

Lucy's face fell. It was as if all the fat and muscle had suddenly vanished, letting her skin sag back to the bone.

"I-it's a what?!" she said in a dry whisper, as if all the moisture in her body was gone.

"A virtue," Raphael said, "You know a good dee-"

"Shhhh! Don't let them- Oh no- Oh no what have you done?!"

Lucy's stomach was beginning to glow.

   There was no slow sussuration of light this time, it went straight from pinprick to full nuclear blast. If there had been any human in the room they might have been turned into a pillar of salt by the waves of light rolling off Lucy now.

"What's happening!?" Raphael said, trying to shield his eyes with his arms.

"I haven't had sex," Lucy growled, "In Nine. Hundred. Years. Do you know how chaste that makes me?!"

"I- I- oh dear," Raphael said.

"I could be beatified for that! That's enough goodness to excuse a small genocide! Arrrgh, they're getting huge!"

   Lucy's belly was entering Biblical proportions, as they were both very well qualified to say. It spread across her bed, bulging, curving, rising and deepening at the same time. There was an explosive crunch as the posts gave way under her weight.

But its physical dimensions were nothing compared to what surrounded it. Golden light, brighter than the sun, now flooded the entire room. And there was music- an angelic choir rolling out from Lucy's belly as it grew. They were singing.

"Ahhh!" Lucy gasped, a hand flying to her side.

"It's okay," Raphael shouted, covering her face with a wing while he turned away from the light, "I'm here, it'll be-"

"N-no, you do- haa-aaaaaaah- I'm aah I think I'm aaaaaah... I think I'm going into labour."

"... oh," Raphael said, "Damnation."

"That is ahhhh exactly what is going to happen to your feathery ass if you don't ge- aah aaaaah aaaaaaaaah- get me to a delivery room this mother fucking insta- aaaahhhh."

"Okay! Okay!" Raphael said, snatching his halo from his head, "Umm, umm, Heaven, this i-"

   "No!" Lucy snapped, batting the halo out of his hands. It flew around him and rolled upwards back into place above his head, "I can't go to heaven! I'm a demon!"

Raphael gulped.

"H... Hell then?"

"N- nnn aaaahhhh- No! I'm giving birth to motherfucking a- ahhhhhh! Angels! Just take me to the fucking hospital."

"Bu-but-"

God in Heaven. She knew the father was always going to be useless at the birth.

She reached into her cleavage and rifled around. Before long she produced a card.

"Call this - nnng - this motherfucking number. Get Doctor Heilwig and do exactly what she says."

"R-right!" Raphael said.

He started fiddling with his halo again. There was some way to get an Earthly area code on it, he just knew, but...

"Lucy?" he said.

"What!?"

"I... I just want you to know that... I love you."

"CALL THE MOTHERFUCKING NUMBER!"