To make the muffin

>Day free food in Equestria.
>You never asked for this, but if there's one thing that life had taught you so far it was never to refuse a free meal.
>After all, once you've stuffed your face, they couldn't get it back and if it didn't look good you didn't lose out on anything.
>After a rather long winded rant in the center of town about how even savory snacks tasted sweet enough to make your teeth ache, the fates had seen fit to offer you a reprieve.
>Derpy had offered to bake you some muffins herself, as she put it 'Everyp0ny loves my muffins!'

>The fact that she seemed to destroy everything she touched was off putting, but free food won the day.
>And that is how you find yourself days later, standing at your front door barely after sun rise, with Derpy vaguely grasping a box in her hooves.
>Derpy's eyes light up as she sees you, pushing her package into your hands. "Hay Anon! Muffin delivery!"
>You fumble slightly, trying not to drop the sealed white cardboard box, the scent of freshly baked goods gently enticing you to open it.
>After placing the box in your waiting hands, Derpy smiles excitedly "I just know you'll like these, I worked really hard on them!" she shouts, jumping up and down.
"That’s, uh... great Derpy."
>At this point, you're more concerned with making sure she doesn't jump into your doorframe. You know your house won't come out the victor.
>With a little maneuvering, you manage to slowly make her back up a little.
"Really, thanks. I'll try these and let you know what I think of them, though shouldn't you be delivering mail right now?"
>Her eyes widen as she gasps, "Oh yeah! See you later Anon!" she exclaims, turning and taking to the skies once again, clipping your mail box as she goes, breaking the pole clean in half.
>You just stare at her as she flies out of view, heedless of the damage she had done to your precious mailbox.
>'At least it wasn't my house' you think, before closing the door and moving back inside.
>You stop in the kitchen, resolving yourself for whatever dangers may lie in wait within this cardboard box of temptations.
>Steeling yourself, you flip the lid of the box allowing the aroma of freshly baked treats to fill your senses, from the smell, you'd say blueberry.
>Inside, you see a dozen muffins lined up in rows, each one held in a small grey and yellow paper cases.
>They would look good enough to eat if it wasn't for the clear bite marks in each one.
>Not small ones either, each one was missing a sizeable chunk.
>Squeezing your eyes shut, you bring a hand to your face squeezing your eyes with greater vigor.
>Clawing your hand down your face you stare back into the depths of the box.
>Those muffins are still half eaten.
>Sighing, you leave the box where it is and head back to bed; it was far too early for your tastes.
>A few hours of sleep should be enough to work up the will to deal with this properly.


>You wake up feeling refreshed, breezing through your usual morning rituals without a care.
>From the sound your stomach is making, it must be around noon.
>Making your way into the kitchen, hunger pushes you towards the quickest available meal.
>Muffins.
>Half eaten muffins at that.
>A niggling voice at the back of your mind reminds you of all the times Derpy had pulled things, mostly letters, out of mud, bushes, birds’ nests and who knows where else.
>You just had no idea where that mare’s mouth had been and that really got under your skin, made the whole thing far more uncomfortable than it really should be.
>Still you were hungry and they were right there.
>Just have to eat it and lay those concerns to rest.
>Grabbing at one of the less eaten muffins, you take a tentative bite.
>The taste doesn't overwhelm your senses.
>It doesn't make you cry tears of joy, it's not a party in your mouth, it doesn't taste like it's made entirely of candy floss.
>It tastes just the same as you'd expect a muffin to.
>They are by far the best thing you've eaten since you came to Equestria.
>So much so that you eat a second before you realize it.
>Still, the whole bite mark thing bugs you; if she was hungry couldn't she have just made more? Or just eaten a whole one?
>Only way to find out is to track Derpy down and ask what the deal is.
>With nothing else to do on this gloriously overcast day, you gather your party of jacket and muffins and venture forth.

>Taking to the streets, you stroll around town, keeping an eye on the sky and an ear open for the sounds of property damage.
>Asking around the local stalls doesn't get you any closer to your goals, the same with the better established stores.
>On your third circuit, it becomes apparent that trying to spot a grey pegasus against a grey sky wasn't the most inspired idea.
>You had eaten through most of those muffins too; walking the streets was a hungry business.
>All that walking had let time slip by. Derpy had probably finished whatever deliveries she was doing for the day.
>What you really needed was a change in perspective.
>Looking to the skies you see your idea realized in the form of a smudge of blue and a rainbow mane contrasting against a low hanging cloud.
>An eye in the sky should make spotting her a whole lot easier.
>Placing the box on the ground and cupping your hands, you let out a quick shout.
"Hey, Rainbow Dash!"
>No movement. Taking a step closer, you try again.
"Dash! Wake up already!"
>That earns you a lazily waved hoof, "I heard you the first time," she exclaims in an annoyed tone.
>Well you got her attention even if she doesn't sound too pleased about it.
>No time to worry about that now, you're a man on a mission.
"Can you help me find Derpy? I can't find her anywhere."
>Dash lowers her hoof back out of sight, "She probably finished her rounds and went home. Why are you even looking for her anyway?"
>You briefly consider telling her everything, but you can't risk sharing your sweet cakey treasures.
>Better lower the volume, the last thing you need is p0nies stepping in on your free food.
"It's kinda uncomfortable but, uh."
>Quick think fast!
"She left teeth marks in my muffin, that’s not cool."
>Dash doesn't say anything for a moment before flipping herself over and staring down at you from the cloud.
>It's tough to make out her face from this distance but her tone is one made of pure confusion, "She, Derpy, left bite marks, in your muffin?"
>You try and dismiss her questions with a wave of your hand.
"Something like that, I'd prefer not to get into the details out here. Can you point me in her direction then?"
>Dash just stares at you shifting her voice to maximum disinterest, "Whatever, here's her address. When you see her, remind her she promised to help out the weather team with tomorrow’s storm."
"Thanks Dash, I should have done this hours ago. It really would have saved me from making myself so sore."
>Dash mutters something about 'too much information' and flops back onto the cloud.
>Armed with Derpy's address you grab your box from the floor and get moving.

>As you approach, there's nothing that really makes this house stand out from any of the others you've seen around P0nyville.
>No major personal touches, no expansive garden. All in all, it seemed somewhat plain.
>There are a few signs of home repair on closer inspection, the door seems to have painted over a few times to hide scratches and dents.
>You bring up your hand and knock a few times on the door as the sun dips behind some clouds once again, the sudden chill reminding you how late it was getting.
>After a few moments you hear the distinct sound of something solid hitting the floor with a muffled 'oops' from behind the door.
>You can't help but wince slightly at the sound, at least it didn't sound like it smashed whatever it was.
>As the door opens, you try and glance past to see what it could have been that made that noise but to no avail.
>Instead you are met with by the smiling face of Derpy, "Hay Anon! What are you doing here?"
"It's about those muffins-"
>Her eyes light up as she starts prancing on the spot with her fore hooves, "Ooh! Did you like them? I just knew yo-"
"Derpy. That's not what I wanted to tal-"
>"Oh no! You didn't like them at all, and I tried so hard..."
>Derpy just seems to deflate, her usual perkiness gone.
>Her ears pressed firmly against her head as she stares forlornly at your feet, mouth drooping at the corners.
>Feels bad, just looking at her makes you want to give her a hug.
"Derpy-"
>"...and I spent so long making sure they were all so good..."
>Great, she's rambling; time to put a stop to this.
>Putting a hand on her shoulder, you kneel down to get on eye level.
"Derpy, your muffins tasted great."
>You give her shoulder a brief squeeze and lean in conspiratorially.
"Far better than the ones they sell over at Sugar Cube Corner, but don't tell anyone I said that."
>She looks up at you uncertainly with a questioning gaze.
"What I wanted to ask about was why every muffin had a large chunk bitten out of it? I mean, why?"
>"I wanted to make sure each muffin was perfect, I didn't want to give you a bad one!"
"But, you could have just eaten one and left the rest unbitten."
>Derpy just gave you a look of pity. "That’s silly. I made each one individually so I could work to make each one the best I could."
>What.
>You just stare at her as she beams a smile back at you, one eye locked firmly on your own.
>You need to see this, its too absurd to be believed otherwise.
>Licking your lips for effect, you lean in closer.
"Derpy, I want to taste your muffins right now, what do you say to us cooking up a batch?"
>A look of pure excitement overtakes her features before she turns and runs back into the house.
>You quickly follow Derpy through her house into the kitchen.
>The kitchen itself looks like you might expect it to, wooden counters and cupboards giving a very rustic feel.
>You stand back and watch her flit around the kitchen putting together the various ingredients to start baking.
"You really make each muffin one at a time?"
>Derpy just seems to ignore you, her face contorted into a mask of concentration.
>You watch her go through the motions of baking muffins in single order, noting on how long it actually takes her to make a single one; it still seems like a stupid way to do this.
>Spacing out a little, your eyes wander as Derpy does about the business of mixing the ingredients.
>As boredom overtakes your mind, you find your eyes drifting towards Derpy’s cutie mark.
>You can't help but think that her cutie mark has something to do with cleaning given how much mess she is making, maybe not given how she's shown no talent at clearing up any other mess.
>You could probably ask about it if you wanted, bubbles don’t really say 'I am good at this specific task', rather it seemed like a more general mark.
>Eventually you decide against asking her about it with aim to work it out for yourself. The whole idea of cutie marks still made you uncomfortable.
>You are brought from your reverie by Derpy stammering, blushing heavily while fumbling with a bag of flour.
>Seems you got caught spacing out staring hard at her flank.
>Well, now you're all kinds of uncomfortable.
>Better change the subject before this gets weird.
"Hey Derpy, I think you'd get a whole lot more muffins baked if I helped. So what do you say we bake up a storm?"
>Any semblance of embarrassment vanishes in an instant as she begins to shake with excitement.
>She takes to the air hovering unsteadily in front of you, "This is going be great, Anon!"
>You're not so sure, but it's better than staring uncomfortably at each other while noticing how interesting every minor detail in the room is.
>And really who gets so worked up over baking? She looks ready to explode.
>You can do nothing but shake your head as Derpy drags you over to the counter, carelessly knocking over a few more ingredients in her haste.
>This place is starting to get messy and will no doubt be far worse once you've finished.
>Still this is no time to be thinking about cleaning up, if this mare is so excited about you making a mess of her muffins who are you to argue?
>Rolling up your sleeves, you get stuck in with gusto quickly organizing so that Derpy would mix the ingredients and you would skillfully knead the dough with your fingers.
>Derpy still insisted on baking each one individually, but that wasn't so bad.
>While one was in the oven, you'd just massage her dough with your sticky fingers.
>Maybe you should have just used the spoon.
>Alternating between mixing muffins and eating them fresh from the oven the evening passes in the blink of an eye.
>Tired and full, you lower yourself to the floor and prop yourself up next to a counter.
>You seriously doubt a chair could take your weight and besides, you just need a quick breather.
"Ah, I'm stuffed. I just need a quick sit down."
>You let out a sigh of relief as you do, taking the weight off your legs.
>You glance over at Derpy, a contented smile gracing her crumb covered features as she looks back at you.
"Just give me a minute, I'll be fine."
>Stifling a yawn, your eyes getting heavier by the second before you decide maybe you could give them a minute too.

>You are awakened by sunlight through the windows, the hard kitchen floor a solid reminder of where you are.
>A vague feeling of unease washes over you. You're sure you had something that needed to be done for today.
>You push those thoughts aside as you see Derpy walk into the kitchen, her body and mane pristine rather than splodged with crumbs and flour.
>You could probably do with a wash yourself; maybe she'd let you use her shower?
"Morning Derpy, so you thi-"
>The words die in your throat as you notice she's looking at you–no, how she's looking at you.
>Her face flushed deep red, glistening eyes both of which seem to be pointed directly at you, all the while licking her lips.
>Derpy advances aggressively towards you, quickly covering the short distance between you, her wings twitching as she moves.
>She draws to a halt standing over you, close enough for you to feel her short hot breaths on your face as she stares longingly towards you.
>Internally you are screaming with everything you have. Is this a dream? This feels far too uncomfortable to be a dream.
>Unable to string a coherent line of thought together you squeeze your eyes too freaked out by this sudden turn of events.
>You hear a few muffled moans and gasps as Derpy invades your personal space along with the odd speck of wetness on your face.
>Questions run rampant through your mind as you sit there, you have no idea what's going on.
>An odd tickling sensation makes its way across your face perks causing you to open your eyes.
>The first thing you see is a close up of her chest, fore hooves either side of your head seemingly holding her upright with the counter you are leaning against.
>Looking up you are met with a spray of crumbs to the face as Derpy attempts to meet your eyes.
>She grins sheepishly, "Ooops, my bad." she states apologetically as more crumbs fall.
"What? Are, are you eating a muffin?"
>Giggling nervously she collapses onto your chest, "Sorry Anon, I was trying to save the last one for you, but it just looked so good."
>You can't help but chuckle as her face turns into one of pure bliss at the mention of that muffin.
>'All that for a muffin', you can't help but think.
>You're not too sure if that’s good or bad as you can't get up because she's lying on you. You figure you have plenty of time to think about it.
>She wraps her fore hooves around your chest in a loose hug, "You're not mad I ate the last one?"
>Before you can answer Rainbow Dash's voice rings out through the house, "Derpy! Hey Derpy did you forget what day it is?"
>You both look over towards the door as Dash saunters into the room. "You said you'd help weather team today and I told Anon..."
>Walking into the kitchen, Dash stops dead, her expression blank as she looks around the messy kitchen, before her eyes settling on you with Derpy lying on your chest with a blissful look on her face.
>She glances around the room uncertainly. "What...?"
>Derpy just grins brightly, proclaiming in an exuberant tone. "Anon put his muffins in my oven!"
>In reaction Rainbows face contorts into a look of uncertainty.
>Derpy heedlessly continues on, "It was great Rainbow Dash, and they tasted so good!"
>Rainbows face just blanks completely. "Uuh.." she manages to utter out before slowly backing out of sight.
>"Hey, wait up, Rainbow Dash!" Derpy shouts, quickly following after her.
>Just leaving you here feeling very confused.
>While Derpy may have cleaned up well, her kitchen is still a mess, so you figure you may as well put that in order, since you did help make it that way.
>Once you get that out of the way, you head home. Being covered in muffin mix, you get a few odd looks and catch sight of p0nies whispering between themselves as you pass.
>Ignoring them, you think maybe you aren't so bothered about Derpy taking a bite out of every muffin.
>It still seems dumb to bake them one at a time, though.
>'Something to think about for next time', you think to yourself with a grin.