Daniel Bryan and the Terrible, Horrible etc. etc.

	"YES!  YES!  YES!"  With pointed fingers thrust into the air, Daniel Bryan could finally celebrate the win he so richly deserved.  It only took several months after being screwed out of his first title win, but the payoff finally came for the YES Movement.  Triple H was forcably moved backstage, his best laid plans rendered to nothing, his favored face of the WWE now nothing more than but a whimpering, titleless shell of a broken man.
	That asshole, Triple H.  That son of a bitch king-of-kings-cerebral-assassin-the-game-asskicker-one-true-destroyer.  That faggot, Hunter Hearst Helmsley.
	These were the words said to me by someone at the bar at the end of WrestleMania XXX.  He HATED the man with three H's.  Hell, he barfs into his alphabet soup when three H's show up together.  That said, I don't know why a nine year old was allowed at the bar and why they were serving him alphabet soup, but he was there again next month while we watched Extreme Rules, and this time, I had a story to share with him that, in all his hatred of Triple H, he was sure to enjoy.

-----

	"You see, it was only a couple days after WrestleMania XXX, and I was on the road myself, somewhere to somewhere, didn't really matter.  Only some lonely old diner at the side of the road that had a 60 foot tour bus parked outside of it.  Not just sticking out like a sore thumb from size alone, mind you, it had a particularly hairy goat face on the side, its serious glare staring back at me, ‘YES!  YES!’ emblazoned on the side.  Incredible!  I could very well be dining in the same nowhere diner as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Daniel Bryan!  I pulled my car up into the lot and ran inside, and there he was, beard-deep into a plate of… steak?
	“’Uh… uh…’ I struggled to speak as I approached him, my feet not even moving, with a smile of wonder on my face, ‘you’re… you’re Daniel Bryan!’
	“’Yes, I am,’ he chuckled as he bit into a forkful of steak, ‘guess I can’t escape all my fans, huh?’
	“’W-well, it isn’t like I followed you in here, I was just on my way across the country back home-‘
	“’Oh, were you at WrestleMania?  Best night of my life, needless to say.’  He smiled proudly.  Brie Bella leaned forward, “Of course, it’ll have some serious competition next week, won’t it, honey?’  They smiled and kissed.
	“Ugh, their casual conversations were even less genuine than the scripts the WWE gives them.  I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly, “Er, well… I wasn’t at WrestleMania, per se, I was-I watched it at a friend’s place, he had the Network and all.’
	“’Oh.  Well, any which way you do it, at least you s-‘
	“He was cut off by the waitress turning up the volume on the television, the three of us looked up at a news alert.  On screen, a coffin lay in a shallow grave, ‘A shocking scene tonight as local police have been called to a report of a man with severe burns was buried alive just outside of town.  The man, who has been identified as Glenn Jacobs, known to professional wrestling fans as Kane, has been transported by helicopter to a local hospital.  The assailant is unknown and remains at large.  WWE has been reached for comment, but have yet to respond.’
	“D-Bry’s jaw dropped.  He shook his head and for a minute tried to begin a sentence, but nothing came out.  ‘Who would do that to Glenn?’  He finally managed to ask, ‘Don’t they realize this is just a show?  Glenn’s a good man.’  He pushed his steak away, ‘This is just disgusting.’  I tried to give him a reassuring pat on the shoulder, ‘Well, I mean, he never was all that good at either inferno or casket matches.’
	“Clearly, I’d said the wrong thing.  D-Bry gave me the most disgusted look, Brie behind him, scoffing.  Before he could say anything, a loud explosion rocked the diner, everyone inside raced out to see what had happened.  D-Bry’s bus was an inferno, the windows all blown out.  Smoke plumed into the night air, my ears were still ringing from the explosion, or it may have been Brie screaming repeatedly for Daniel to run.  She pointed frantically at the bus, and what frightened her suddenly made my jaw drop.  A figure stood on the bus, wearing a gaudy Shao Khan-like mask and brandishing a sledgehammer.  D-Bry walked up to him slowly, tilting his head as if trying to peer behind the mask, ‘…Paul?’
	“The figure simply pointed at him, ‘Requiescat… in… pace.’
	“’Ey!’  The diner cook approached the masked man, ‘’Ere in Merr’ca, we speak engish, mister!’  Unamused, the figure swung his sledgehammer at the cook, who with a thunderous impact, was slammed through the brick wall of the diner, and lay motionless on the floor.’
	“I edged up closer to the figure myself, ‘Aw, man, Daniel Bryan, Brie Bella, Triple H, and me without my autograph book!  If I go get a napkin, could I get all you guys to sign it?’
	“D-Bry shook his head, ‘…I don’t think he’s here to sign autographs.’
	“’The only thing I’m here to sign,’ said the figure in a familiar gruff voice, ‘Is your death certificate.  We tried doing this the easy way, now, we do it the hard way.’
	“Triple H swung a fist in our direction.  In all the action and screaming from Brie, I summoned up all my gumption and heroically pushed D-Bry out of the way, taking what I thought was going to be a theatric punch, but he put all his strength into it, and an unseen gauntlet cut me in the forehead.  Now I’m no professional wrestler.  In fact, I have the pain tolerance of a five year old, so when I take a straight punch in the face and get cut in the head, I tend to cry, quite blubberingly so.  So maybe being brave was foolish in hindsight.  It wass all I could do just to manage, ‘WHAWAZZAVORRRRRR’ before D-Bry picked me up and guided me in the opposite direction, ‘We need to get out of here, now!’
	“We ran towards my car, Triple H in pursuit not unlike how a T-1000 might chase you.  I scrambled into the driver’s seat while they dove into the back.  I peeled out and were gone like a bat out of hell.
	“I whimpered as I wiped all the blood off of my face.  ‘Hey, you didn’t have to do that back there, uh… I never did catch your name.’
	“’Amy.’
	“’Okay.  Well, thank you, Amy, you didn’t really have to take that punch for me, but I appreciate it.’
	“’Yeah, that was totally brave of you.’  Brie chimed in.
	“’Aw, thanks guys.’
	“’You’re totally awesome.’
“I blushed and rubbed at the back of my neck, ’Aw, shucks, you guys.’
	“Very quickly, Triple H was no longer in sight.  I needed to make sense of what just happened.  ‘So, would you mind telling me what exactly all that was about, Daniel?’
	“’Please, you can call me Bryan.’
	“’Oh, okay, Briiiian.’
	“’I have no idea what’s going on, to be honest with you.’
	“’He’s gone crazy!’ Brie chirped.
	“’He’s definitely not himself,’ he continued, ‘the weeks leading up to WrestleMania he was getting more anxious, nervous, anything he could do to stop me from winning the belts, he did.’
	“’Yeah, I know,’ I said, marking out, ‘those assholes jumped you every single week for months and beat the hell out of you till you couldn’t move.’  I scoffed, ‘And he calls that the easy way?  What the hell is the hard way?’
	“’Well, if you getting color the hard way is any indication… or even the fact that he probably murdered Glenn earlier and that cook back there just now… I… think he wants to kill me now.’
	“’KILL YOU?  But… Jesus, I’M in this with you now, he’s not gonna kill me too, is he!?’
	“He mused for a second and then nodded, ‘Yeah, probably.’
	“I gulped and sped up, ‘Hey, maybe let’s… maybe some music can calm our nerves till we figure this whole thing out.’  I turned the dial, ‘Aw, hell yeah, HELL yeah, Blind Melon, and it just started, too!’
	“I enjoyed the soothing sounds of Shannon Hoon singing about how his life is pretty plain, and how he likes watching the puddles scatter rain, but the station cut away suddenly, ‘This is a Wolf 109FM news bulletin.  Police have uncovered several shallow graves in the metropolitan area where, upon inspection, the victims appear to be WWE personalities Kofi Kingston, Dolph Ziggler, Wade Barrett, The Miz, Zack Ryder, Drew McIntyre, Broadus Clay, and Damien Sandow.  Multiple ambulances were sent out, and they are all said to be in serious condition-‘
	“’Jesus Christ, he’s… he’s literally burying all the talent.’ D-Bry said.
	“’As if burying them on television wasn’t bad enough!’  I shouted.
	“’Don’t you get it?  He’s taken this to a whole other level, he’s willing to injure everyone in the company just to get these titles back!  He’s really lost it!’
	“’What can we do?  We can’t keep running forever!’
	“’No… no we can’t.  But there is something we can do!’
	“The trip from the deep south to Titan Tower was otherwise a quiet and uneventful one.  A few stops for gas gave us worry and we constantly looked over our shoulders.  For all we knew, Triple H could have only been a few miles behind.  Daylight broke over Stamford, Connecticut as we arrived, relief awash over us.  If anyone could help us make sense of this whole problem, and solve it, it was Vince McMahon himself.  D-Bry had all the credentials he needed draped over his shoulders for the receptionist, and we were directed straight to his office.
	“’I can’t believe it, I’m about to meet Vince freakin’ McMahon!  And… awwww, aw-awwww, me without my autograph book still!  Dammit, dammit, dammit!”
	“The door opened, Vince McMahon, looking… much frailer than I thought he’d be (but then again, he’s also, like, 70, time makes fools of us all, I guess), but also a lot more kindly than I thought he’d be, (but then again, I was with the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, so, you know) sat at his desk.  ‘Ah, Bryan, what a surprise to see you here, I thought you’d be off on your honeymoon by now.’
	“’Well, yeah, but we’ve got a little situation we’re dealing with here, it’s pretty severe, Vince.’
	“His face went sullen, ‘Well, hey, it’s nothing we can’t handle, we’ve got all the confidence in the world in you.  We’re gonna make a lot of money with a never-give-up story like this.’
	“I audibly groaned.  Brie elbowed me in the rib before Vince could notice.  D-Bry continued, ‘No, it’s nothing like that, Vince… it’s Paul.’
	“’Well, what about him?’
	“’Something’s not right.  He’s on a rampage, something about WrestleMania made him snap.  Have you not heard any of the news?’
	“’No, no.  Tell you the truth, I just got in, I haven’t even gotten my memos, yet’
	“’It’s been all over the news, all morning long.  Almost everyone on the roster has been found barely alive, buried in shallow graves.  Heath Slater and AJ Lee were the latest two found.’
	“Then, as if a boogeyman had been summoned – though thankfully, not THE Boogeyman – CM Punk kicked down the door, ‘WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE, VINCE!?’
	“I threw my hands into the air, ‘FUCK, ME, WHERE IS MY GODDAMN AUTOGRAPH BOOK!?’
	“’Look, Phil,’ Vince stood and made his way towards Punk, handing me a small WWE-branded autograph book mid-stride, ‘I don’t know what happened to AJ Lee, I’ve just been noted of the situation, myself.  Bryan seems to know a bit more about it.  Ask him a little bit more about it.’
	“I got up in everyone’s faces asking for autographs before Punk could talk to Bryan, all of them rolling their eyes out of their head as I approached them, but nuts to that, I got four autographs.  ‘Phil,’ D-Bry said, ‘it’s Tri-‘
	“’ple H, isn’t it?’  Punk made an about face and stomped out.
	“’Phil, where are you going?’ D-Bry shouted.
	“’I’m gonna take care of that piece of shit, myself.’
	“D-Bry tried to yell back out after Punk, but he was getting drowned out by a growing buzzing noise outside the building.  A helicopter slowly hovered down to Vince’s office windows, with a familiar lime-green paint sprayed across the body in two letters: D, and X.
	“Triple H poked his head out from the helicopter door, voice over a bullhorn, ‘You’re not going to escape from me, Daniel Bryan.”
	“’Paul!’  Vince screamed, ‘Enough of this!’
	“’This isn’t over until I get those titles back, Vince.  This is what’s best for business.  I can’t allow a B+ player like Bryan to go around gallivanting with titles that he can’t possibly defend with the kind of honor and integrity we expect from heavyweight champions. Look at him!  He’s barely a Heavyweight!  You see, I’m here to set things right, Vince, those titles belong to a real champion.  Those titles belong to me, I am what’s best for business.  And if you’re not down with that…’
	“’SUCK IT!!’  I yelled.  Bryan gave me an annoyed smack in the head.  The helicopter inched closer to the windows, from inside it, Triple H hoisted up a coffin with Herculean strength, throwing it through the window.  He jumped into the office, and grabbed Vince by the neck, ‘Even if I have to bury you too, old man.’
	“Vince flailed, getting positioned for a Pedigree to meet the same fate as several other superstars, if not for CM Punk returning with a kendo stick.  He ran into the room, swinging wildly at his back.  Repeated strikes caused him to break his grip on Vince and weakened, jumped back into the helicopter.  ‘This isn’t over, Philip!’ He screamed over the bullhorn, ‘Mark my words, I will bury you all!  Especially you!’  He pointed directly at me.
	“’Hey, what did I do?’  I said, turning to Bryan, ‘He already cut the shit out of the forehead, I’m gonna end up having a forehead like Dusty Rhodes, or, ugh, Jerry Lawler.’
	“With the helicopter gone, Vince gathered his strength back and sat back in his chair.  With a breath, he noticed something on his computer, ‘Uh, about that…  I just received an e-mail-‘
	“’From the Raw General Manager!?’ I asked excitedly.  CM Punk shook his head and called me what I’m pretty sure was ‘stupid mark’ under his breath.
	“’From my secretary,’ Vince said, ‘Rhodes and Lawler were among another batch of people who were buried.’
	“’Where is he finding the time for this?’ D-Bry asked aloud.
	“’I don’t know,’ Vince sighed, ‘now I know you were going to go on a honeymoon soon, but as our champion, I need you to help me take care of this, now, before it gets any worse.’
	“’That’s okay,’ I piped up, ‘I’ll be there to help you guys, out.  You know I can take a punch, and I’ve got the reliable transportation!’
	“’That’s true,’ D-Bry smiled, ‘she’s been a big help.  She’s pretty cool, Vince.’
	“’And really brave.’ Brie added.
	“’She does seem pretty awesome.’  Vince agreed.
 	“I blushed and rubbed at the back of my neck, ‘Aw shucks you guys.’  I turned over to Punk, ‘And we’ll have your help too, right, Punk?’
	“He shook his head, ‘No.  I quit.’  And he walked out, never to be seen or heard from again.
	“We made our way out of Titan Tower, back to my car when D-Bry had a gribble of an idea.  He raised his finger, ‘What about Stephanie?  Maybe she knows what’s up.  You know?  Like maybe she was there when he snapped?’
	“’Well, sure, but wouldn’t she still be down south on the way to Raw tonight?’
	“’Good point.  Buuuuut,’ he slowly pointed over to another helicopter.
	“’How convenient!’  I clapped happily.
	“’And I know how to fly it!’ Brie said.
	“’Even more convenient!’
	“We piled in to the helicopter and sure enough, Brie started it up and took off perfectly.  This thing had, like, a 200 gallon tank of gas inside it, you know, so we totally made it back down there without a fuel problem.  In a short few hours, we were back in New Orleans, hours away from the Raw broadcast.  D-Bry got off the phone, ‘That was Cena.  According to him, Steph should already be at the New Orleans Arena for the show tonight, we can probably find her there, and then we can figure out what the hell is going on he-‘
	“An impact blew us to one side, the helicopter rocked, Brie trying to keep it steady, ‘What the hell was THAT now?’  We looked out the window, the DX copter was tailing us!  ‘It has missiles!?  JESUS H. CHRIST!’
	“’You might wanna hold on, guys,’ Brie said, ‘I don’t think we’re gonna last up here much longer.’  Another missile hit the tail, and we were going down.  We all screamed and braced for impact.
	“My ears were ringing, I saw nothing but darkness until a pair of hands pulled me from the twisted, burning wreckage.  D-Bry and Brie were both bloodied.  I managed to crawl away farther by myself, ‘Where… where are we?’
	“’We managed to land on a hospital roof.’  D-Bry patted my hand.
	“’How… convenient… where… is Mr. H’s?’
	“’I think he believes were dead, he took off into the horizon.’
	“’Even… more… conve…’ I blacked out.
	“When I came to, I was in a hospital bed, flanked by D-Bry and Brie looking over me, ‘Oh thank goodness,’ Brie sighed, ‘she made it.’
	“’I gotta hand it to you, Amy, you are one strong cookie.’
	“’Aw, thanks, Bryan.’
	“’Seriously,’ Brie added, ‘you are the strongest person I’ve ever met.  I don’t think a lot of people could take a fall like that and survive.  I mean, we survived too, but wow.  Just wow.
	“I blushed and rubbed at the back of my neck, ‘Aw shucks you guys.’  I felt good enough to get out of the bed and walk out of the room under my own strength.  ‘So what happens now?’
	“’Well, you’re not going to believe this,’ D-Bry said, ‘but we’re actually in the same hospital where all the other superstars are recovering.’
	“’W…wow,’ I said, near speechlessness, ‘that is… like, really, really convenient.’
	“We made our way down to the ICU, where all the superstars were still being cared for.  Much to D-Bry’s chagrin, I whipped out my fancy WWE autograph booklet, very much intact from the helicopter explosion.  Every recuperating superstar, though weakened, managed enough strength to roll their eyes and sign their autographs.  It was the greatest day of my life, in one day, I had practically all the signatures of the greatest WWE talent, except for John Cena, who hadn’t been buried, so he wasn’t here.  Not that that matters,  I didn’t want his dumb autograph.  Across the room, a gnarled, twisted finger was beckoning us hither.  As we approached, we were shocked.
	“’No… not you, too,’ I said, tearing up, ‘can I have your autograph, Mr. Taker?’
	“He scribbled something illegible, and turned to D-Bry, ‘I know what you’re thinking, Daniel… don’t go to Stephanie.’
	“’H-how did yo-‘
	“’I’m the Phenom, it’s part of my powers.  Now listen carefully.  Hunter… he’s under the influence of Stephanie.’
	“’Well, of course he is,’ I chuckled, ‘he married the boss’s daughter.  Slept his way to the top, ha ha ha!’
	“’You dumb mark,’ he muttered before turning back to D-Bry, ‘she has him under her control somehow, and I know what you need to do to break her control over him.  I would have done it myself, but he summoned Orton and Batistia, and I couldn’t take all three of them on.  What you need to do… is bury him.’
	“’Of course,’ the light bulb in D-Bry’s head lit up, ‘to stop him from burying everyone else, he himself must be buried!’
	“’And only then will you break Stephanie’s spell over him.’
	“’Wait, control, or spell?’  I asked.
	“’Does it goddamn matter!?’  He shouted, ‘It’s the power of the McMahon.  It’s strong with Hunter because he has never known career-stalling failure since the Curtain Call.  Between that and being married by the boss’s daughter, he’s practically influenced by them to do the McMahon bidding.  With Vince slowly out of the picture, Stephanie is taking her, and her bidding is to be rid of you by any means necessary.  Every man in here tried to stop him, and they all failed.  You can succeed where they have failed, Bryan.  You can be the one who buries Hunter, keep the titles, and put an end to all this madness.’
	“I stood up, ’This… was an incredible amount of exposition, and I thank you, Mr. Taker, but now we better go handle this before Raw begins.
	“As the three of us turned to walk out, a man walked in with a denim vest over a black shirt that read ‘Game Over’ and blue jeans.  He took off the vest and turned around, the back of his shirt saying, ‘you’re damn right I’m over!’  He walked over to the receptionist, ‘Can I help you?’ She asked politely.
	“’I AM THE GAAAAME-AHHHHH.’
	“’Oh, umm, sir, can y-‘
	“’I AM HERE TO FINISH THE JOOOOOB-AHHHHH.’
	“’Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to le-‘
	“’AND WHEN I AM DOOOOONE-AHHHH… I WILL CUT A TWENTY MINUTE PROMO-AHHHHHH.’
	“In the biggest oh shit moment yet, he turned and locked eyes with me.  He ran towards us, Bryan shielded Brie and I.  I closed my eyes and braced for the worst, but nothing happened.  I looked up, and Undertaker was locked in with him, struggling and shaking to hold him back, ‘Paul, snap out of it!’
	“Triple H clubbed Taker in the face, ‘Stay out of my way-ahhhhhh!  I want those titles-ahhhhhh!’  Triple H’s shaven hair grew into the golden mane that adorned him once before, long ago.  It was Samsonesque in nature, his strength grew tenfold, forcing Taker into position for a Pedigree.  We all screamed futilely for mercy, but Taker accepted his fate, ‘We don’t have a coffin here, he can’t be buried, it’s useless to do anything here.’
	“With those final words, Triple H drove him, face first, into the hard linoleum below.  He was instantly tackled by several officers.  His brute strength was enough for the Undertaker, but not for the fine officers of the New Orleans police department, who held him down and cuffed him.  “’This isn’t over, Daniel Bryan-ahhhhh!  I will take those belts back-ahhhhh!  Tonight, ON RAW-AHHHHHHH!’
	“He stepped up, ‘I have no problem with that, Paul, I’ll defend these belts from you tonight… under one condition.’
	“NAME IT-AHHHHH.’
	“’I will defend these titles… in a casket match.’
	“’YOU’RE ON-AHHHHH!  YOU’RE A B-PLUS PLAYER-AHHHHH!’
	“He was dragged out of the hospital by the cops, not that that would stop him from getting to the New Orleans arena in a few hours.  We looked down at the Undertaker, who had not moved since eating a Pedigree.  I knelt down and turned him over, searching for a pulse.  There was nothing.  ‘He’s gone,’ I sobbed, ‘The Undertaker… is really gone…. THAT SON OF A BITCH WILL PAY FOR THIS!!’  I fell over Taker’s lifeless body, crying uncontrollably, until I fell off as he sat up.
	“I gasped, ‘Di… did my tears bring you back to life, Mr. Taker?’
	“’He turned slowly and met my gaze, ‘You can’t kill what’s already dead, idiot.’
	“He stood up and began to walk out of the hospital.  “W-wait!’  I ran up and flagged him down, ‘You can help us!  We can make a handicap match!  All four of us versus Triple H!’
	“He wobbled, unsure of his footing.  He gave me a confused look, and looked around, as if assessing his surroundings.  I snapped my fingers, ‘Uh… Taker?  Mr. Taker?’
	“He said nothing, walking slowly out the door, continually confused and surprised at where he was.  D-Bry and Brie came up behind me, I turned to them, ‘D’you think he’s concussed or something.’
	“He shrugged, ‘I dunno.  Probably.  But… it’s time.  Raw starts in half an hour.’
	“It wasn’t much of a Raw, to be entirely honest.  Having half your roster buried alive and in serious condition in the hospital kind of puts a damper on the show.  Vince had to rewrite it the best he could, which wasn’t very easy, considering even more talent was found buried alive.  All the Wyatts, all the Shield, Santino Marella, the massacre had only been found to have more victims.  The match leading up to the big main event was The Great Khali versus The Big Show, and… uh… well, it was a thing, we’ll just say that much.  Triple H walked out to the ring after the match to a pompous-sounding theme, gloved and in a black suit and his long hair tied back in a ponytail.  He grabbed a mic and signaled for the music to stop, ‘Daniel Bryan… you’re not even worthy enough to lace up my boots.  Puh-lease.  It’s high time for the WWE to have a champion of a… high pedigree.  For men like you, becoming champion required a lot of hard work… sleepless nights… and constant training.  But for men like me, being a champion just comes… naturally.’
	“The three of us were in the Gorilla position, waiting for Ride of the Valkyries to pipe into the arena.  ‘We’re behind you 100%, Bryan.’ I gave him a pat on the back.
	“Bryan gave me a bear hug, and kissed Brie, ‘I appreciate all the help you’ve given me, but from here on, it’s time for me to take care of this once and for all.  Thanks for everything, Amy, you’re a great friend.’
	“’Thanks, Bryan.’
	“’Like, our best friend.’  Brie added.
“I blushed and rubbed at the back of my neck, ‘Aw shucks you guys.’  I turned to D-Bry, ‘We can still be out there, Bryan, and give you moral support.’
“He nodded, ‘I’d like that a lot, ladies.’
“His music hit, he ran out to the ramp, ‘YES’-ing to the crowd as Brie and I struggled to catch up to him.  The crowd was deafening, for a split second, I almost felt blown back to the stage from the explosion of cheers.
“Things had finally calmed down, Bryan and, well… Hunter Hearst Helmsley were announced, and the bell rang.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, and no, I couldn’t possibly describe everything that happened in that match, I’m just telling you a story, not writing an e-fed match, but lemme tell you, it was the best.  I was partially focused on copying everything Brie did, to give the appearance that I knew what I was doing, but from what I saw, it was easily a five star match.  Maybe even six stars.  Match of the year candidate, for sure.  All the spots they did took our collective breath away, chants of ‘HO-LY SHIT’ and ‘THIS IS AWE-SOME’ happened no fewer than 27 times.  It was easily the greatest match, I have ever seen, in my entire life.  There was almost a screw finish when Stephanie McMahon herself, on the ramp, screaming her head off into a device, tried to create a distraction, but Brie and I ran after her and double slapped her till she went crying into the back.  When we turned, Triple H had D-Bry in the Pedigree.  I had to think fast.  I ran lickety-split into the ring, but I was too late, D-Bry had been Pedigree’d.  I was angry, man, I was furious.  I wasn’t going to let it end like this.  I hulked up in the middle of the ring, which confused the red hot crowd because… I wasn’t the one who ate the Pedigree, so I sort of threw the ring psychology out of whack.  Nonetheless, I charged at Hunter Hearst Helmsley, and delivered unto him a knee.  A sort of knee that ended John Cena.  A sort of knee that ended Triple H the night before.  I dragged him towards the ring apron, and opened the casket lid.  I stood over Triple H imposingly, ‘On your knees, doug.’
	“’Why does everyone say that,’ he whined. ‘it’s d-o-g, dog.  On your knees, do-whooaa-whoa!’  I had pushed him into the casket and closed the lid.  The bell rang, D-Bry’s championship was secure, and just as Undertaker predicted, Triple H was backed to normal.
	“My first inclination, obviously, was to pull out my autograph book and ask him to sign it.  Confused, he began to, before Stephanie ran back out and ripped it out of his hands.
	“’Hey, my book!’  She ripped every page out, shredding them.  All of my hard work for nothing, I fell to my knees with a pained cry.  I sobbed on the floor, and could hear her screaming at him that Bryan has ruined everything, the company is ruined, he’s only a B+ player, while Triple H was trying to talk her down, telling her it was just the storyline.  ‘IT’S MY COMPANY!  EVERYONE’S TRYING TO RUIN MY COMPANY!’  She ran out of the arena screaming with Triple H following her, trying to make sense of what was going on.
	“Brie hovered into my vision, ‘It’s okay, Vince will sort this all out for him.  Let’s get outta here, it’s time to celebrate.’
	“’Hold on,” I motioned to her so I could whisper in her ear, “have them carry me out on a stretcher.’
	“’That’s not going to make any se-‘
	“’Just do iiiiit!’
	“She smirked, and next thing I knew, I was being placed on a stretcher and carried out.  A soon as I made it backstage, I hopped off and hugged the both of them.  D-Bry winced a bit.  ‘Ooh, are you going to be okay?’ I asked.
	“’Oh, you bet, I’m perfectly fine.  In fact, I have a feeling I’m going to be the strongest defender this belt has ever seen.  Yep.  Not a single health problem here, I’m feeling I check, from my feet, to my neck.  Especially my neck.’
	“I smiled, ‘Awesome!’
	“’No, you’re awesome.’  Brie said.
	“’And brave.’  D-Bry said.
	“’And cool.’
	“’And strong.’
	“’And a great friend.’
	“I blushed and rubbed at the back of my neck, ‘Aw shucks you guys… I’m gonna miss you to, gotta get back to my own, you know.’
	“’Believe me, we understand that,’ D-Bry said, ‘we’ll give you a call sometime, see if maybe we can’t get you started in the WWE somewhere.’
	“’That would be awesome!’ I giggled.  We waved goodbye in the parking lot and I saw them take off into their new traveling bus.  It was about that time it occurred to me that my car was still in Connecticut, I was stranded in New Orleans, and damn it to hell, I didn’t have any autographs… but it was still the greatest 24 hours of my life.

-----

	“That’s all a lie,” the boy said, as distracted as I could have possibly made him from the Shield going up against Evolution in their big Extreme Rules 3-man tag match.
	“No, it’s totally true!”
	“It is not.  None of that happened.  Triple H and Stephanie are still married.  Everybody you said wasn’t at the Raw WAS there!”  The little boy pointed at me, “And if it IS true, where’s your autograph booklet, huh!?”
	“Didn’t you hear, runt?  Stephanie ripped it apart!”
	“You’re such a liar!  Just shut up, you don’t anything!  You’re so dumb, you dumb bitch!”
	“Hey, don’t call me a dumb bitch, you little prick!”  I kicked his stool out from under him, he fell to the ground, crying boisterously.  The bartender saw the whole thing, and grabbed me by the collar.
	“GET OUTTA HERE!”  He threw me out into the street, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, YOU INHUMAN PIECE OF SHIT, PICKING ON A CHILD LIKE THAT.  GET AWAY FROM HERE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!”
	“FINE, FUCK YOU, YOU GASSY BASTARD!  I HAVE TO GO WRITE THIS STORY ANYWAYS.”