Paladin Mike

>You are a *level unknown* paladin, garrison commander of the town of Bumfuck, in the province of Nowhere.
>T-that's the actual name of the town. The mayor is an alp, it's a long story.
>Your men, whom you fondly refer to as your minions, have recently brought in a succubus infiltrator.
>After a brief inspection of her you ordered them to bring her to the torture chamber. AKA your mom's basement.
>After tying her to a chair you have your men bring you a branding iron. Holding the red hot iron inches from her exposed thighs, you lean in and whisper in your most intimidating voice "Feel like talking yet?"
>You have been trained from a young age to look into a monster's eyes and see her soul. To read her thoughts as easily as words on a page.
>You look into the succubus's eyes and read the thoughts written there.
>'DoItFaggot! Ohyeah,burnmebaby! JamItIn! Bitemynipples,pullmytail,SpitonMeAndcallmeNames!BendmeOverthischairandFuckmyBrainsout! RapemeRapemeRapemeRapeme-'
>Ok, this isn't going to work.
>Mostly an empty threat anyways, you cried last time you had to help brand the holsts. Though they seemed to like it too. Weird.
>As you think about what to do next you hear a shout from upstairs "Mikey, is your friend staying for dinner?"
>"She's not my friend, Mom!"
>"Does she like apple or pumpkin?"
>"She's not getting any pie!"
>"Both are ok but I prefer apple."
>"You aren't getting any pie!"
>Minion A chimes in "Maybe give her pumpkin instead? So she'll tal-" He trails off under your stare "-nevermind."
>"Minions, leave the room. And close the door." They give you confused looks and you turn a sharp glare on them. "You aren't ready for this. Go!"
>As they slowly leave the succubus watches you with anticipation. He cheeks are slightly flushed and you can see her spade-tail dancing behind her.
>As soon as the door closes you pull a chair up next to the one the succubus is on. You lean your shoulder into hers slightly and start talking.
>"You know, it gets pretty lonely out here. The only people I've really got to talk to are my subordinates and they just go along with whatever I tell them." She's starting to look confused.
>"I was thinking, if you don't mind, maybe we could be- uh-" you lean closer and whisper "-friends?" You wrap an arm around her and give her your best, most platonic shoulder hug.
>"Guah!" She starts coughing violently. You see a drop of blood trail down her chin. After recovering she glares at you.
>"You sick bastard!"
>Still plenty of strength left in those eyes. Looks like this isn't enough.
>You return her glare with a steely gaze, "I guess we gotta do this the hard way then."
>You free her left hand but keep a firm grip on it.
>Slowly massage the back of her hand, rubbing lightly on the sensitive skin at the meeting of her fingers. She squirms and tries to turn away, muttering curses.
>You reach over with your other hand and take hold of a strand of her hair. You play with it, twirling it between your fingers.
>"I'll never talk you freak!"
>You release her hair and softly grip her chin, turning her to face you. You look deeply into her eyes as you slowly slide your fingers between hers, interlocking them.
>She stifles a whimper as you push your hand forward slightly, curling your fingers and hers, eventually ending up in back-front handholding position.
>She whispers tearfully to you "Why are you doing this? I thought you paladins were supposed to have rules or something, right? Let me go." She starts crying in earnest.
>Just one more push.
>You twist around, bringing your upper body in front of her. You pull her into a gentle embrace, playfully mussing her hair with your free hand.
>She breaks.
>"Alright" she sobs into you, "Alright, I'll tell you whatever you want! Just let me go!"
>You grin, trying not to cackle maniacally. Everybody has a breaking point.
>"What were you doing on our town?"
>She chokes back sniffles, "I was on my way to burningdude."
> Uh. "What?"
>"Burningdude. You know, that big festival out in the desert west of here?"
>"Oh. So...you weren't, say, spying in preparation for a demon invasion?"
>"What? No."
>"I see." Shit.
>"Well then, I uh- I guess I'll just let you out of that then." As you stand up she catches the bottom of your shirt in her free hand.
>Looking up at you through tears she murmurs "take responsibility."

>You roll out of bed the next morning drowsy, with a crick in your neck. You were up all night talking to the succubus, Katelyn.
>Mostly trying to convince her not to go running through town crying about being raped by the paladin.
>As you leave your room you are greeted by a wonderful smell. When you reach the bottom of the stairs you find your new house guest holding a plate.
>"Pancakes." She says as she pushes the plate at you. She's looking away with a slight flush in her cheeks and still sounds a bit grumpy. She must still be mad.
>The kitchen's other occupant is watching the exchange with a smile over her own stack of pancakes.
>The mature snake-woman has dark blue skin fading into scales of gold and rich forest green. Two large, ornate horns adorning her head attest to her heritage as a member of the uncreatively named Blue Devil clan.
>Your mother is an echidna. When she was young the family lich diagnosed her with infertility. This caused her to fall into a crises of faith which eventually led to her converting to the heretical worship of the Chief God, running away from her home and joining the church.
>The church didn't know what to do with her so it sent her to work at the smallest, most out of the way facility it could find - Bumfuck's orphanage.
>When she arrived she took over raising the town's only orphan, you, and the rest is cheesy Lifetime movie history.
>She cups a hand and whispers to the succubus "Katie~"
>'Katie' looks at her in confusion for a second before giving a small jump and glancing at you.
>"I- uh- I put blueberries in them."
>Your mother gives her a stealthy thumbs up and Katie glances at you again before turning away.
>"Uhhh, thank you. I love blueberries."
>"Hmm? I-is that so~?"
>The three of you spend the otherwise enjoyable meal in semi-awkward silence, broken only occasionally by your mom's small talk.
>Katie intently watches every bite you take despite your repeated assurances that it tastes good.
>Your only reprieve is when mom starts wiping the maple syrup off Katie's cheeks, causing ineffective protests and a great deal of blushing.
>As you are finishing, your mom finally breaks the silence.
>"Oh, Mikey. While you were asleep Patricia brought this for you." She grabs a sealed letter off the counter and hands it to you.
>'Patricia', formerly Patrick, is the town's mayor and postmaster. And only postman. Postwoman. Whatever.
>The letter has the seal of the Master paladin you report to. You open it and start reading casually, expecting to be informed of the change of some obscure policy nobody cares about.
>You quickly realize you are mistaken.
>This is it. This is what you've been waiting for, for years. Real paladin work.
>A group of bandits has taken over a road to the east and they want you to clear it out. They even hired a mercenary to assist you. Some guy named Decimus.
>Getting super excited now, this is going to be the first real job you've had since you were raised.
>Wait. Decimus? Start wondering if that means Decimus the Destroyer.
>He's a legend, a raving psychopath of a berserker with a shape-shifting sentient weapon.
>Couldn't be the same guy. No way. Your boss is way too cheap for that.

>Geared up, finishing the last of your checks.
>Mom comes out of the house. She's wearing a white sundress and a straw hat, and carrying a picnic basket.
>Katie wanted to come too but you already set her straight on that. Looks like mom is next.
>"Mom, you aren't coming."
>"Oh? I'm not, am I?" Mom stare.
>"Uh, I mean, it's dangerous. And I'm working, so you can't come. Because it's work, that would be unprofessional."
>Mom purses her lips and gives you a look. "You know, I happen to remember somebody saying they would do anything to make it up to me when they forgot my birthda-"
>"Alright, alright!" Decide to cut her off before she can start on the guilt trip. "But you've got to stay with the baggage when we get there, ok?"
>"Sure thing sweetie." She gives you a glowing smile.
>Sigh and start out on the road. Mom falls in beside you, whispering to her basket.
>"See, I told you it would be fine. He's a pushover."
>She's...talking to a picnic basket. Maybe you should start spending more time with her when you finish this up.
>The two of you arrive at the place you are supposed to meet the mercenary.
>"I don't know anything about this guy, so until I get a feel for him I want you to hide somewhere."
>"Well alright honey, but I think you're being too suspicious."
>Eventually hear someone approaching, mom hides behind some bushes.
>You turn to the direction of the sound and see him come into view.
>Holy shit, it's really him. He's the biggest man you've ever seen, bulging with muscle and decorated with more scars than you can count. One particularly nasty one running from his chin to his eyebrow pulls his face into a perpetual sneer.
>His eyes are opened wide, staring, never seeming to blink.
>The thing that catches your attention most though, is the wurm.
>She looks to be about 8 or 9. She's slithering along at his side, happily munching on a sandwich. The crust was removed ahead of time.
>The man approaches and looks down at you with a murderous glare.
>"Uh, Decimus?"
>He leans toward you and pulls his lips back in a snarl before whispering in a harsh voice that send chills down your spine, "Nice to meet you. Please, call me Devon."
>He takes your hand and gives it a gentle but firm shake.
>"I assume you are brother Micheal?"
>"Uh, yeah, that's me."
>He just nods then starts discussing the specifics of the job.
>You try to keep up with him but your brain starts tripping up.
>"Uh, excuse me, D-Devon? Um, I don't mean to interrupt, but I'd like to ask you something."
>He tilts his head and croaks out a "Sure, what's up?"
>"Uh...who's this?" You point to the wurm, who is looking up at you and swallowing the last of her sandwich.
>He looks you in the eye and says guilelessly "This is Omnitrix, my shapeshifting magical weapon."
>"I see." That's bullshit, but you choose to believe it.
>The wurm reaches up and tugs on his sleeve. "Daddy, juice."
>Devon reaches into his pack and pulls out a small leather flask. He removes the lid, then puts a bendy straw into the opening and hands it to the wurm.
>She sucks on it for a few seconds before pausing and looking around, "I smell cookies."
>"Oh, that's me~" Your mom pops her head out from behind a tree and waves.
>"I have cookies~ Did you want some?"
>"Yay, cookies!"

>With your mom and Omni off in a corner keeping each other busy, you and Devon get to business.
>You share intel and discuss your plan of attack.
>Since your intel is basically limited to the general location of the bandits and a map to get there, all the two of you can come up with is to approach them together from the south, which will give you an elevation advantage if nothing else.
>Once you finish packing away your map you turn to the girls.
>Mom, Katie, and Omni are sitting around a small, white lacquered table with tea and cookies laid out on it.
>Hah?
>"Where did you come from?"
>Mom scolds you, "well we couldn't just leave her behind all alone could we? She would get lonely."
>"Where did you get that table from!? And the tea set, and chairs, and- and where was she hiding!?" Point to Katie.
>"Eh?" Mom looks puzzled. "Out of my basket."
>"How the hell-"
>"Heck." Devon interrupts you.
>"Huh?" you look over at him.
>He leans close and whispers, while stealthily pointing a finger at the wurm "Little ears."
>"Oh. Right, sorry."
>He just waves a hand "No worries, no worries."
>"How the heck did you fit all that - and a person! - in your basket!?"
>"It's a picnic basket of holding. I thought you knew that."

>Finally find the bandit camp.
>Leave Mom and Katie back near the road, having tea in her basket.
>Tried to convince Devon to leave Omni with them but he keeps insisting she's his weapon. Whatever, he's gotta know what he's doing with all those scars.
>The three of you creep up to a ridge and peer over it down into the camp.
>"Da-darn. That's a lot more than I was expecting. This could be tough."
>Devon is giving the slope down to them a thoughtful look.
>"I've got an idea."
>He climbs up over the ridge and stands looking down on the bandits. "Ready Omnitrix?"
>"Ready Daddy!"
>"Remember to call me Decimus when we're working sweety."
>"Gotcha, no problem Daddy!"
>He sighs and pats the wurm on the head before commanding "Ring of Fire!"
>"Ohh, awesome! We never do that one! I love ring of fire!"
>The wurm curls into a loop, sticking the end of her own tail in her mouth. Devon picks her up with both hands around her waist then calmly says "Now."
>She starts poking around in the back of her-
>"Guueeehhh" Ok now she's throwing up. Lava. She's puking out lava. Holy shit, it's getting everywhere.
>Devon hurls her with all his might, sending her rolling down the hill toward the bandits. Bits of lava fling out in every direction, causing hundreds of tiny bush fires. The shit is covering her, she looks like a giant fireball.
>She hits something in the camp and explodes in a spray of fire. Bandits run in every direction, many burning.
>She slowly stands up and stretches, shaking off cooling lava and chips of stone.
>"Awesome! That was so cool! Let's do it again!" She's grinning from ear to ear, oblivious to the panic around her.
>Holy shit.
>After a moment you realize that was actually a pretty good way to start the fight.
>Devon is running down the hill now and you join him.
>When you reach the camp he walks over to Omni and says "Wurmsword."
>"Roger!" She reaches up for him with both hands. He grabs one arm in either hand and starts swinging her around. Heh, that's cute, Mom used to do that to you too. Looks a little more dangerous though, her tail is really long.
>"Wheeee! Faster!"
>The bandits are starting to recover now and are noticing the presence of intruders.
>Devon directs Omni's tail into the growing crowd and they start exploding in sprays of cheap armor and bandit.
>After a few seconds the only ones left standing are the ones who backed off into a fighting stance, and one poor pair of legs with nothing above them.
>Devon slows Omni to a stop then hands her a small boulder. "Wurmhammer."
>"SMASH! Ahahaha."
>She grabs onto it and he grabs onto her by the tail. He Gives a might swing at the first of the bandits and Omni plows right through his guard, smashing him into the ground.
>None of the rest last any longer than he did.
>"aWahahahaSMASH!"
>You don't really have anything to do but stand and watch.
>When its all over, Devon leans back with a sigh and wipes the sweat from his forehead. He hands Omni a crustless sandwich from his pack and she digs into it while he starts picking the bandit out of her hair.
>The three of you return to Mom and Katie after a bath in a nearby stream.
>You're all sitting together at your mom's tea table, eating dinner. Mom brought a whole roast pig out of her basket, and a large square of canvas to make a shade.
>Katie is sitting next to you with Omni in her lap. She took the opportunity of Omni climbing on to scoot her chair closer.
>Her knee is brushing against yours and every once in a while her hand strays over near yours before fluttering off or going for a roll instead.
>Devon reaches for a cupcake but Omni pulls the plate away from him. "No, mommy said you aren't allowed to have any sweets, cuz of your brood sugar."
>He sighs, "Blood sugar, honey."
>Your mom cuts in "Oh, wait." She digs into her basket and comes up with another plate of cupcakes, "I have sugar-free too~"

>Mom came back from the store earlier with an extra large bag of starbursts. You know what that means - family game night.
>The three of you are sitting in a circle around the coffee table. You've got mom's tail over your lap like a blanket. Katie is hunched over with a coil of it wrapped around her like a monstrous scarf.
>She has been like that for the past half-hour or so. Pouting.
>You observe the table. In front of mom is a huge stack of red and pink starburst betting chips. You have no pinks and only a handful of reds in a sea of orange and yellow. Over in front of the pouting succubus are three yellows and a single, lonely orange.
>You've realized something this night: The girl is a huge klutz. She even manages to lose the games you try to throw for her, which is why mom is dominating so thoroughly - you usually go close to even with her.
>Things only got worse after the switch to Jenga.
>Watching her trying to pull out the worst possible block, you decide to intervene. Probably against the rules but you doubt mom will mind.
>You scoot closer to her and reach over her arm with yours to lightly grip her wrist. She gives a little jump as you murmur into her ear "Not that one, over here."
>You guide her hand to a center block, halfway up the stack. "Here, just push it in slowly."
>She gives a loud gulp, clearly nervous. You encourage her more.
>"There you go, just push your finger into the hole. Gently now, gently. Almost there, just a little deeper..." her whole body is quivering and her hand is shaking like a junkie's. She must really want to win this one.
>"Good good, that's it! Yeah!"
>She convulses as she pushes the block free, knocking the tower over yet again. She locks in place, shivering. Her face is crimson, eyes shut. She even looks like she's...drooling?
>Try to cheer her up. "Hey, don't worry about it. Here, I'll give you some of my reds. You can, uh, pay me back once you start winning?"
>She jerks upright with a strangely loud moan when you pat her back. After mumbling incoherently for a few seconds she squeaks out "I-I need to go the bathroom." and runs off down the hall.
>"Damn, I hope she isn't too upset about losing." Glance at mom "You know, you could go a little easier on her."
>Mom laughs "She's be doing just fine if she was paying any attention to the game."
>Start setting the tower back up while you wait for katie. As you finish you hear a muffled call from the direction of the bathroom.
>Your mom answers "What honey? We can't hear you."
>The reply comes back just barely audible "W-where's the hamper? You know, the one with my u-underwear in it?"
>"Ah, I washed those. They're hanging up to dry."
>"Oh..."
>"Did you need some underwear, sweetie?"
>"...yes."
>Mom turns to you "I think she'll fit into some of yours from when you were younger. Go grab her a pair from the back of my closet."
>You comply, wondering why Katie needs to change right now, and why mom has your old underwear in her closet. Women are weird.
>As you dig through the closet you come across a large footlocker. It's taped shut and has "no peaking" written on a note attached to the clasp.
>You are overwhelmed by a sudden urge to open it and see what's inside.
>Cracking the thing open you find hundreds of CD cases, along with signed posters and t-shirts.
>The CDs look like albums but you've never heard of any of the bands. Red Fang?
>They all have really weird art too. So do the posters and shirts.
>Squint at one. It doesn't even make sense, that's a whale - well, a whale monster thing - not a mastodon.
>Wait, what is a mastodon? Is a mastodon a whale?
>Shaking your head, you pack the footlocker back up and push it out of the way to continue your search.
>Eventually you find a bag stuffed with your old underwear. They look like the athletic underwear you had to wear during paladin training, back in your teens.
>The smell wafting out of the bag confirms your suspicions; that's definitely gym locker-room stank. She must have stuff em in here without bothering to wash them when you finished training. Weird she didn't just toss em.
>Notice a squishy lump under the underwear bag and pull it up.
>Weirdest pillow you've ever seen. Shaped just like a normal pillow, but really long - four or five feet maybe.
>Oddly enough it looks like one end of it is stuffed into one of your old pairs of underwear, and there's a crude drawing on the pillowcase.
>Before you can figure out what it is you hear a noise and turn around.
>Mom is looming behind you, staring at the thing in your hands, her eyes turned into little swirlies. "You saw."
>Before you can ask what it is you feel a strong impact, and the front of your body is enveloped in an incredible softness as everything goes black.

>Wake up the next morning, can barely remember the previous day. This seems to happen once every few months.
>You don't mind though, you always feel great when it happens, like you spent all night getting a full body massage. You do have a bit of a weird...blue...taste in your mouth though. Not unpleasant, just...weird.
>Come down the stairs into the kitchen and find mom cooking breakfast. Katie has been doing most of the cooking lately, you wonder if she's feeling alright.
>Notice the succubus in question already sitting at the table. She's just staring at the table. Her face is flushed and she looks dazed. Maybe she really is sick.
>Walk over and put a hand to her forehead. She jumps and looks up at you.
>"Ah, m-morning."
>It's hard to tell with your hand so you put your forehead against hers.
>"Nyeeah!? You, uuuu uwaauuh~"
>"Hey Mom, I think Katie has a fever."
>"Hmm?" You take a step back as mom comes over to check her. As you do, you notice Katie's shorts are actually one of your old pairs of underwear. The loose t-shirt she's wearing looks like it might be yours too.
>She should really dress warmer if she's sick.
>"Hmm~ I think you might be right, dear. I'll take her upstairs and put her to bed after she has her breakfast."
>"Oh, and you got another letter~"
>It's another mission. Yes!
>'Clear out a keep infested with Matangos, Ropers, and Parasite Slimes.' Fuck!
>Oh, but they're sending Devon again. And a mage this time too, that's nice.
>"Ooooh, Eastlake?" Mom's head pops over your shoulder as she reads the letter.
>"Hey, this is confidential docu-"
>She interrupts you by stuffing a chunk of omelette into your mouth with the tip of her tail.
>"You know, there's a huge strawberry field near there. If you pay the owner you can walk around and pick your own strawberries. I've always wanted to try it."
>She gives you a sidelong glance.
>"No, this is work, we can't-"
>"I wonder who it was that ate the last of my strawberry tart on Sunday. Certainly not my loving son, he knows I love strawberries, he would never do something like that."
>"Ah, as I was saying, we can't go there first. It has to wait until we finish our business."
>"Of course, honey. Let me go set Katie up and get my things."

>You and Mom meet up with Devon and Omni then head for a roadside inn where you are supposed to meet the mage.
>His arrival mercifully prevents Omni from completely handing your ass to you in poker.
>The completely average looking man notices your group as soon as he enters the inn and heads straight for you.
>"Sup. You the guys?" He looks Devon up and down, probably thinking he is obviously a mercenary.
>"Uh, would you be wizard-" look at the letter again. You have no idea how to even begin pronouncing his name. Fortunately, he saves you the trouble.
>"Steve."
>Look back down at the name. Maybe its a family name. "How do you pronounce this?"
>"Hell if I know. I just made something up that looked cool."
>Frown. Notice Devon is giving the guy a dubious look too.
>"Uh, not that I don't trust you or anything, but do you think you could show us your magic?"
>This guy looks like some store clerk that put on a robe.
>"Ahhh, yeah, I get it. I get that a lot. Come on outside and I'll summon my familiar."
>As your group heads for a clearing outside the inn, Steve glances at Devon again. "Hey. What's with the wurm?"
>Omni shouts "I'm not a wurm! I'm a hammer!"
>Devon leans down and whispers to her "You're a sword right now, sweetie."
>"I'm a sword!" Devon pats her on the head.
>"Uh, kay..." He looks even more confused than before but decides not to push it. Maybe he's smarter than he looks.
>Once you reach the clearing, Steve spreads his arms and starts chanting. A magic circle forms beneath your feet and the air starts to buzz with magic. Well shit, he really is a wizard.
>After an impressive light show, a figure appears in the center of the circle. Omni and your mom clap.
>The smoke clears in a gust of wind revealing- wait, what the fuck?
>"It's an elf. How did you summon an elf? Is that even possible?" It isn't even a brown elf, it's one of the vanilla ones, in a frilly white dress.
>"She just looks like an elf, she's actually an elemental."
>"Oh. Like a forest elemental or something?" Pretty rare if so.
>"Rape."
>
>"Pardon?"
>"She's a rape elemental."
>Just stare at him for a while.
>He sighs and scratches a cheek.
>"There are rape elementals?"
>"Yeah, surprised me too."
>The elf walks over to the two of you.
>Steve greets her, "Slut, this is our associate today, say hi."
>"Hey! You promised you would give me a different name next time you summoned me!"
>"Sorry, forgot."
>You interject "Hey steve? What does a rape elemental do exactly?"
>He raises an eyebrow and looks at her.
>She looks away bashfully, digging a toe into the ground. "Well, I'm really good at getting people raped."
>Hear Devon mutter "I do not like the way this is going."
>Try to work out what to say to avoid being insulting, "...Isn't getting people raped a bad thing? Especially if we're fighting monsters?"
>"Oh yeah, she's totally useless. A liability, honestly."
>"Hey! I'm not useless!"
>"Then why did you summon her?"
>"Well, you wanted magic and I figured you wanted something showy."
>"...can you send her back?"
>"Nah, 24 hour summon period."
>"So we're stuck with her?"
>"I'm gunna cry!"
>"Yeah, basically. Oh. That's a bit of a problem, isn't it? Didn't think about that."
>Devon sighs. You agree wholeheartedly.

>Your party is assembled. The six of you stand upon the threshold of the fallen keep, preparing your assault. Mostly just staring at the moat.
>"Well."
>"Yep."
>"Mmhm."
>"Can either of you swim?"
>Head shakes
>"Anybody bring rope?"
>Head shakes
>"I see."
>"Yeah."
>"Mm."
>"Honey, we need to finish up soon if we want to make it to the strawberry field while there's still daylight."
>"Just uh- just give us a sec, Mom."
>Steve leans close to you and whispers "Hey, he's not doin that little thing is he?" He points over at Devon and Omni.
>"What? Oh, no! No no no. She's his kid"
>"Oh good. That would be a little much, even for me."
>Even for me? Think for a sec.
>Say out loud "Hey Steve, aren't familiar supposed to express the nature of their summoners?"
>He blushes slightly. "Well, uh-" he looks around and drops his voice a bit "I do really like being raped."
>Devon nudges Omni a bit closer to him and away from Steve.
>"Sweetie, strawberries~"
>You sigh again.

>An idea comes to you. "Hey, there's probably rope or something inside there right?"
>Steven responds "Probably. It is a keep. It only fell a few weeks ago so whatever is in there should be useable."
>"So we just need to get one of us inside to find some rope for the rest of us, right?"
>Devon nods thoughtfully, "That could work."
>You look over the party, eyes settling on Slut for some reason.
>"Hey, Devon." You point to the elf. "You think you could toss her over there?"
>"Me!?" she yelps. "Why me!? That place is full of parasite monsters, right?"
>Devon gives her a measuring gaze "Maybe...with the right wind."
>Steve cuts in "You!" He points at you, waving a finger "You...are a clever motherfucker."
>"Oh my~"
>"He didn't mean it literally, Mom."
>"Why are you guys being so mean to me!?"
>"Alright, let's give this a shot." Devon rolls up his sleeves and grips Slut by her collar and panties, lifting her and getting a feel for her weight. "I'm going to get a running start, clear the way."
>"I hate you all!"
>Devon runs and heaves her with all his might at the opposite side of the moat. She falls short by a dozen paces, and keeps falling, into the water below. He winces as she splashes in.
>"Sorry."
>Steve comforts him, "No worries, she'll just desummon when she sinks. I'll resummon her and we can try again."
>You and the others watch the splashing below.
>After a while it slows then stops.
>Steve cocks his head and waits for a minute before saying "There we go."
>As you watch him perform the summoning again Mom pokes you in the butt and says "Strawberries." in a pouty voice.
>"Look, we're trying ok? I promise we'll be done soon."
>Jump at a shout from behind you "I hate you guys! Whoa, back off jumbo!"
>Slut has been resummoned, except now she won't let Devon near her. As you watch Devon chase her around, another thought comes to you - probably the first one you should have had.
>"Steve, you're a wizard, aren't you? Can't you make a bridge out of ice or something?"
>Surprisingly he just winces, and Slut glares at him.
>"Well now...actually, my specialization doesn't really have much utility like you're thinking of. I'm uh, a muscle wizard."
>Paladin, Berserker, Muscle Wizard. What an unbalanced party.
>Steve frowns and looks over at you "Now that I think of it, you're a paladin, right? Can't you levitate us or something?"
>"Ah-" it's your turn to be embarrassed "I only know healing spells." Omni snickers at you. Wait, Omni!? That's somehow really hurtful!
>Mom rests her chin on your shoulder and glares at the keep. She has her tail coiled around your legs. She's in full pout mode now.
>"You just need to get rid of the monsters, right? The keep doesn't really matter."
>"Well, I suppose- Wait, Mom, no cheating!"
>"Muuu~"
>You, Steve and Devon get back into trying to figure out a way over, but after a while you all notice a bright light and look up.
>A rain of thousands of brilliant fireballs falls on the keep, shredding through its walls and incinerating everything inside.
>You hear a massive crack, and the keep and its foundations fall into a huge sinkhole that seemingly opened directly beneath them.
>The rain of fire keeps pouring into the hole, until nothing is left within but a puddle of glowing stone.
>Nothing outside the bounds of the moat has been damaged in the slightest.
>Mom pokes you in the butt again, "Strawberries."
>"I said no cheating!"
>"What, you're blaming me for that? It was a freak act of nature. A coincidence. Strawberries!"
>You sigh and give up. If she did it she'll never admit it.
>You turn to the rest of the party "You guys wanna go strawberry picking?"
>After they get over their shock they agree and you all set out for the strawberry field.
>As your group walks down the road, you hear Slut mutter to Steve "I'm still mad at you."
>He sighs and pats her on the head. "Well, I'm sorry, Lúthien."
>"You-" She pauses and looks over at him.
>He grins back at her "You didn't notice? I changed the name in the summoning this time. How do you like it?" Wow, he totally ripped that off from Tolkien.
>"I-its beautiful!" She wraps him in a hug and gives him a long, passionate kiss.
>"W-what the hell are you doing!?" You can't help but shout.
>They both turn to you, confused. "What are you talking about?"
>"You can't do that out here, in public!"
>"Do what?"
>"Y-you know...sex."
>Everyone is looking at you now. Everyone except mom, who is looking away and acting oblivious for some reason.
>"You mean what we were doing just now?"
>You just nod.
>Devon asks you "Mike, what happens when two people have sex?"
>You try to shake off the embarrassment of the subject and answer "They, uh, put their lips together and, uh, hug. And touch their tongues to each other."
>Short silence followed by Devon covering Omni's ears and asking "And putting your penis in a woman's vagina?"
>You look at him, puzzled. "That's just exercise. Everybody does that. Right?"
>Now they're all looking at your mom.
>"e-ehehehe~" She hesitantly looks over at the group, blushing worse than you've ever seen. She almost looks purple.
>Everybody just sighs and starts back on the road to the fields. How weird.

>You arrive at a huge brick house built into a hillside overlooking the road.
>Mom is beside you with a large foil-covered tray containing baked ziti.
>You are carrying the ham and Katie - you look back down the road trying to spot her - has the cookies.
>You accidentally stepped on her tail as the three of you were walking and she had the oddest reaction, hunching over in the road with a red face, mumbling incoherently and giggling. And drooling. She seems to drool more than most people.
>Mom insisted Katie just needed a little time alone to collect herself, so the two of you went ahead, but you can't help but feel worried.
>As mom reaches to knock on the door it pops open, revealing a curvy, brunette wurm who looks about ready to pop out of the dirndl she's wearing.
>After staring down at you for a moment she smiles and picks you up in a bone-crushing hug.
>"Ah, herzlich willkommen! Sie müssen Micheal sein!"
>She sets you down with a laugh and you stagger, trying not to drop the ham. You open your mouth to greet her but end up just gasping for air.
>Your mom is not spared. After seeing your reaction she tries scoot backwards in panic but snake-women aren't very efficient in that movement and the large wurm lady quickly captures her.
>Mom's tail wriggles around wildly behind her as she is crushed into the wurm's sizable chest.
>"Und sie sind diese perverse Mutter! Ich habe über Sie gehört, sie kranke Frau."
>The wurm gives you mother a conspiratorial grin and sets her down, looking more blue than usual.
>She takes you both by the wrist and leads you around the house to the backyard where you find Devon grilling sausage.
>He nods as he sees you come into sight. "I see you've met my wife Hannah. Hannah, this is Mike and Allison."
>Hannah finally releases you and Mom and you present her with the dishes you brought. She smiles and takes them to an outdoor table, then disappears into the house.
>Hannah comes back with a keg under one arm, the other balancing a platter piled with loaded potato skins. She starts bustling about, setting out plates and talking to your mother who responds in short and hesitant sentences.
>You go to stand next to Devon and look over the assortment of meats on the grill.
>He glances at his wife and shakes his head. "She speaks English just fine. She's just happy to have somebody to use her own language on."
>"You don't understand it?"
>"Only bits and pieces I picked up from her over the years, not enough for conversation."
>He glances around, "Katie?"
>"She's coming. Needed to take a pit-stop."
>Now that he brought it up, you also notice an absence. "Omni?"
>He points to a far corner of the yard that contains a large square of sand, "Kids are in the sandbox." He shakes his head and sighs "Regretting building the thing now. Can never get them out unless we tempt them out with food."
>You can't see anyone in it so you walk closer to take a look. Once you get closer you see the sand holds dozens of holes of every shape and size.
>You stop when a tiny wurm rises up out of the sand right in front of you. She looks to be three or four. You wave at her and she lowers herself back into her hole, looking at you over the rim.
>"Say hi, Lily" Devon mutters, attention on the grill.
>The little wurm looks at her dad then back at you before raising a sand-encrusted claw and waving at you.
>*Kyun*
>You hear your mother make some weird sound effect and turn to look at her, then freeze.
>She has that look. The look she got when she saw the neighbors puppies. You had to pick her up and carry her home to get her away from those things. That wasn't easy, she is not a light woman.
>She suddenly slithers toward the sandbox at full-speed, calling out "Cutieeeee~"
>The wurm, sensing danger, disappears into her burrow.
>Mom enters the sandbox and tries to coax the wurm out, to no avail.
>Eventually she tries crawling into the hole herself, only to be foiled by her ample bosom.
>A different wurm, this one even smaller, peeks at her from another hole.
>When mom notices she dives toward the girl but catches only sand, stopped once again by her womanly figure.
>You sigh and settle in at the table, digging into the potato skins and watching your mom.
>She doesn't make much progress, except at ruining her sundress.
>You turn when you hear someone approaching. Katie wanders into view and spots you.
>She looks much better now; very refreshed.
>She greets Devon and his wife, then asks Hannah "Where should I put the cookies?"
>Your mother jumps as a dozen little wurm heads pop out of holes in the sandbox. You spot Omni among them.
>One of the older ones, maybe 11 or so, asks "Cookies?"
>Katie, surprised, turns to them and smiles, "Yeah, I just made them last night."
>You try to stop her but it's too late.
>The ground erupts with a swarm of little wurms, barreling down on her as fast as they can move.
>A moments hesitation is all they need. By the time Katie turns to run, the leader has her by the ankle. She is pulled under the wave like a sandcastle in the surf.
>Hannah eventually manages to pull Katie out of the wurmpile.
>The kids get a single cookie each and no more until after dinner. A few grumble but they all slither back to the sandbox at a sharp glare from their mother.
>All except one. Your mom managed to capture Lily in the confusion. She looks resigned to her fate, hanging in Mom's arms with her tail dangling below.
>Well, mom is happy at least.
>Soon Steve arrives with-
>A brown elf.
>Katie and Mom glare at him until they realize it is the same elf, just somehow brown now.
>"Mike, Devon, ladies." Steve greets everyone with a nod.
>"Uh, hey Steve, Luth-" you cut off at a nudge in the ribs from Steve. You look at him in confusion and he whispers to you "She figured out where I got that from."
>Loud enough for everyone to hear he says "You all remember Layla." So a song this time?
>After a brief exchange of greetings you ask the elf "Weren't you, um, a little more vanilla last time we met?"
>Steve responds "Ah, just a bit of cinnamon in the summoning catalyst I use. What do you think?"
>Layla smiles and spins in a circle, showing off her arms and legs.
>"Uh, very nice. That doesn't screw up your spell?"
>"Nah, just increases the likelihood of femdom in the resultant rape."
>Food finishes cooking and Hannah, Devon, and Katie of all people, round up the kids and you all start in.
>The food is great, and the beer Hannah brought out is the best you ever tasted.
>Turns out she runs a small brewery in the back half of the house. Thought it seemed a little big, even for such a large family.
>Spend most of the meal talking to Steve about modifying spells through altering their catalysts.
>You aren't very interested until you start to see how it could apply to your healing spells.
>Making a healing spell cause sexual aggression doesn't sound very useful, but there are a lot of different modifiers you could try.
>Mom spends the whole meal stuffing food into the poor wurm in her lap, wiping her mouth, and playing with her little ear fins.
>After the meal is finished, the wurm swarm tears into the cookies. They finally settle down for a while once they get their hands on them.
>Katie was helping keep them under control for most of the meal.
>Devon thanks her and adds "It's impressive you can handle them so well. It has been getting tough lately, even for Hannah and me."
>You respond "Ah, she has been joining Mom and I in our workouts lately. She's already in much better shape than before - we'll have her fit in no time."
>For some reason the conversation dies out at that. Everybody suddenly seems focused on the kids, or picking at lint on their clothes.
>Everybody except Hannah. She grins at your mom and Katie then bursts into roaring laughter.
>Maybe she misunderstood what you said, English isn't her first language after all.