>be suicidal depressed all throughout teen years because bullying and just felt worthless (12-17)
>rejected chances with girls because I thought they would never like me when they got to know me. So there was no point trying.
>infinite loop because I'd become depressed about never having a gf
>it was one of the reasons I was suicidal but I couldn't pin it to one thing. But I was really insecure, self conscious and just an immature retard.
>escaped into anime, movies, music, and porn to numb myself.
>rejected tons of chances for friendships and socialisation because inferiority complex
>had a couple of friends but we mutually didn't treat eachother very good. But we were friends and talked about porn and videogames
>all I could do was talk about porn
>You can see why I stopped trying to talk to girls
>I fell into the redpill/r9k hug box and became bitter and resentfel of females.
>Started justifying my actions and having no female friends
>showed my friends these sites and they fell into it too. Except they could talk to girls (just didn't have any girlfriends except for that normal faggot)
>have really fucked up porn fetishes that I justified and thought porn was good. And that it was better than spending time with a real girl.
>I'd be messaging guys on the internet and try to engage in erp. But they are absolute morons. My standards were terribly fucking low ofc and I couldn't take their stupidity.
Fast forward a week ago

>been out of hs for months
>kinda look back on it as sad that I wasted so many years and just rejected so many people trying to be my friend
>birthday was a couple of months ago
>was fapping at least twice a day for at least 2 hours each. Just laying in bed because I had nothing else to do with my time
>was normal
>My fetishes have been turning gay for the past year. And it just devolved into me imagining me being a sissy faggot and being used by any old man.
>Well a few days ago (I think on a sunday or a satuday) it got the point where I was accepting I was going to be a sissy and began watching hypno vids on pornhub.
>After I came a feeling of intense lonliness swept through me.
>It happened so many times I was used to it and I felt hopless. And that there was no other future for me than being a 40 year old virgin.
>And I'd accept that I was gay or whatever because I knew no girl would ever like me.
>I just wanted to feel loved and since guys were easier to have sex with then (as long as you have a mouth you get what I mean) I could please them and they'd show affection i guess. (I wonder if this is what girls with daddy issues feel like?)
>I had been an athiest since my dad died. This is relevant I think because I had no one to tell me whats what. How to act etc. Not blaming the world but you know I had to turn to repill and then r9k for life advice lol.
>And I know it sounds immature of me but that day when I fapped to sissy hypno (Wasn't the first time I fapped to cross dress porn and erotica and gay shit) I was like "I'm not gay? I'm not attracted to men or ever want a relationship with one. So how am I bi?"
>And I had accepted that I was gay or bi but the thought struck me. I had found gay sex disgusting before and now here I was fapping to it. I was fapping to the idea of a man taking charge of me. I was emasculated.
>anyway I knew I'd end up going the gay hookup route and just let anyone fuck me like a dildo but deep down I wanted one last ditch effort to prevent this degradtion and degeneracy.I knew this wasn't me deep down. So I turned to christianity. To God. I don't know if God appreciated me turning to him now that I was at an all time low but it all or nothing.
>I'm not preaching to convert anyone really. I hated that while I was a teen but I was an edge lord athiest thanks to reddit so ya know I never considered turning to God before this because "le god isn't real".
>before I did tho I listened to some audioclips of a girl pretending to be my gf (soundgasm) and although she was really good voice actor, it so lacked intimacy.
>But I needed his help so I asked God to give me strenght to stop this. I wasn't going to waste money on a fucking prostitute (they are fucking rip off)
>this isn't an advert but It's necessary.
>Before that day I had thought you only had anything to do with a girl because you wanted sex. But I learned that the dopamine rush I got from fapping was not making me happy. And never will.
>So I said fuck it I'm going to try this nofap thing for a month and if it don't work I'm just gonna accept my fate of being alone for the rest of my life.
>And i think the very same day I was just bored and messing about on a chat app. Just wanted to get my daily social contact allowence before moving onto someone else. (because they'd stop replying or they just looking for an online boyfriend. Stuff I didn't care about because we're on a chat app for a reason)
>just sent a message to a girl not thinking much. And she responded and I didn't give a shit so I was coming on really strong. Like I wasn't after anything but once you've been ignored because you were too boring you just start enjoying the present and not what you can get out of it. It sounds confusing.
>anyway i asked for her whatsapp and she gave it me. And I was just joking around with her.
>anyway she sent me a voice message of her pronouncing her name because I asked and her voice was so sweet.
>Anyway that's how we met
>And I never thought about it but she said we just clicked and I guess we did.
>she lives thousands of miles away and time zone means I have to stay up till 4 am so I can talk to her for a few hours. (I really want to though and told her this)

Anyway last night we were talking
>I asked about her previous boyfriends because I wanted to know more about her (stupid I know but I was curious and wanted to know more about her)
>she said she had 3 (she's one year younger than me)
>one was a white trash trailer park junkie who shit on her a lot but she put up with it cause "it was her first love". She recognises it was abusive but she didn't know any better. He called her names and he cut himself and blamed in on her. Then he started smoking weed and she didn't like him doing that but he yeah. He broke up with her tho ironically.
>The second one was an 18 year old "family friend". She was 14 at the time but I dunno I guess her dad isn't really a filter (all her bfs were abusive). He was possessive and clingy. He pressured her to do sexual shit which I didn't press on exactly what but she did stuff on skype for him when he went to college. And she implied she lost her v to him.
>I mean it's pretty obvious since he was a 20 year old guy and he sounds so creepy. It is her story of events I know that but I do trust her full heartedly. She said he didn't hurt her physically but I wanted to know if he ever forced himself on her. She said she'd say no but he'd guilt her into it until she said yes. I mean she was 14 for fucksake. I was an absolute child at 14.
>She said it wasn't rape but i find it depressing.
>he was likely cheating on her because he'd go on about how he'd spend his day with his female friends in college
>This probably isn't the full story or the truth because I obviously didn't experience it but I just want you to understand why I'm feeling the way I am and my viewpoint.
>She chose him over her best friend when her best friend said that the relationship wasn't right. But she thought she was jelous which is understandable why she would think that ofc.
>he gave her an ultimatium which sucked.
>i want to hurt this scumbag if i could and I'm not a violent person at all. I mean I'm a pussy but damn I am so angry and sad.
>she broke up with him over the phone lol when he was just spamming that he loved her 24/7. And she grew bored of it. Then the jackass rationalised it and blamed her.
>The last guy only lasted a few months but he was the new guy at her part time job and he just picked her up. According to her he was creepy, obsessive and they'd have been going out for 3 weeks and he'd be trying to make out with her in wallmart. Like full on PDA when she wasn't into it. And he'd guilt her too.
>I was amazed how she isn't depressed or with trust issues. But she said that it was in the past and what's done is done. I told her I couldn't do what she did. I'd be a mess.
>She said she only put up with them because they were the first guys to like her.
>In return I told her my teen past. She didn't ask and I was expecting her to call me disgusting or to not speak to me again but I just had to tell her.
>i told her all the above.
>i told her the time i had worms and shat in the shower lol
>and my porn addiction
>and god
>and she put up with my gundam love
>and i flirt with her and she responds
>and she never called me a creep or made fun of me. She just sat and listened and said she didn't care about all that. Just the person I am now.
>I told her I like her and kept saying it because i just wanted to.
>she felt the same way
>But I told her I couldn't get into an ldr because it would be unhealthy for both of us. I wouldn't physically be there for her and neither she. We couldn't cuddle and pat her head etc
>and that we'd have to talk less because I'm developing feelings for her and didn't want to hurt her. And she'd meet a guy that was there for her and I didn't want her to be torn.
>Same with me but I doubt I'd get a gf easily but I have a little more confidance because of her.
>But we both like talking to eachother and so I can't stop.
>stayed up till 6am my time till she fell asleep for her school tommorow
>she doesnt do drugs or parties which I guess is good for me. I don't do them and don't wish to.
Now my dilemma is

>She might be a physic or something.
She's only been with abusive boyfriends so this might be telling me something. I banter with her about fighting but it's the type of humour I would do with my friends in hs. But I'm scared that this is how it starts. I would never harm anyone, I deteste the thought but what if I am?
Am I just encouraging her to like abusive people? She knows I'm joking but I don't want to imply anything. I just don't know how to be a good boyfriend/friend to her. I really care about her and that's why I don't want to rush at all or demand that we be in a relationship since I can't be there.
This girl is more mature than me. She has a job, a car, good grades, she saves her money, she doesn't like to shop. She even went through the trouble of joining a discord at my request (I know not hard but she doesn't play videogames)
>she doesn't read or anything so I don't know what we have in common. But I just talk about her and how she is. We both really like talking to eachother. I'm a pathetic neet (i go to college but yeah not academic).
She isn't a christian which I don't mind but i dunno. I want to save myself for marriage because I know for me it would be difficult to seperate love from sex and I'd just fall into an addiction I think.
I have not fapped for I think 5 days. Which isn't a lot but I couldn't make it past a day it would just be so difficult. The furthest I've ever gone was 2 weeks twice.

What I'm struggling with aside from the ldr is that she's had sex before.
This isn't r9k dogma but I know it probably came from that. I recognise I'm increadibly insecure and shallow for thinking this is a problem. And what makes it worse is she was unfairly manipulated. When I was that age I thought
sex was the most important thing in the universe and that it was only the womans worth. I couldn't fathom why people got married and get gfs because of all the redditards saying "never marry she'll cuck you!" But she made me think otherwise.
I just feel confused because I wanted to share my first time together with someone. Like teenage love. Obv that is just a dream now. But I know that this is completeley retarded because I wanted to be someone's first boyfriend.
And the first person they held hands with and shared their first kiss with. And I'm just disillusioned.
I feel so guilty and I do not deserve her at all for thinking these things. I'm not attractive I'm not /fit/. I'm just a fucking mess and it's not fair she likes me. I said those things in slight hopes she wouldn't want to talk to me ever
and so I could wallow in my misery. But she likes me! I don't have to pretend to be someone or be careful what I say. It's fucking weird as fuck. I'm inexperienced. I cannot satisfy her. I don't want sex (physically obviously but morally I repress my lust lest it control me)
We've only known eachother for 4/5 days. I thought these things take months.

I've told her I'm a virgin and never had a gf before, which by redpill philosophy is a big no no and I'm screwed, but I don't give a fuck. I can flirt with her. I can be sexual jokingly. She obviously knows I'm attracted to her but I never want to use her.
I told her that I have pressured someone before. When I was 14 or 15 I was a horny fuckboi and I guess I used a girl (that I was not at all attracted to) insecurity to send me pics ( didn't get all that far). I do feel awful that I did that so while I don't justify what he did. I know why the 2nd boyfriend did it. (Because he was a thirsty asshole who didn't care a fuck about her)
And I do not want to do that with her. I don't want to pressure her to do anything. I don't want to do anything. I mean I do really do but I don't want to use her. I don't want to be abusive boyfriend number 4.

I can't be her boyfriend I live so far away. And we talked about visiting eachother in the summer but it kinda scares me that I'd have to wait that long. Not to have sex but just to embrace her.

I know this is written awfully and it's a blogpost and that only 1 person will be bored enough to read it. But I'm confused. She will be going into college after hs and you know everyone is promiscious there too so I don't want to hold her back. I just care about her strangely.
I have only seen her hair. I have an idea what she looks like but not a picture. Which i guess is okay since this isn't based on lust. I don't know what to do.