dave and jade's excellent fat pigeon adventure

azureangelic: when you gain spatial omnipotence and start thinking in terms of universal scales it probably skews your sense of "big" a little
anon: just a little
azureangelic: shes at daves house and daves like jade check out this huge piece of shit pidgeon and she comes running and gets disappointed when hes pointing at a fat pidgeon and not one the size of fucking beat mesa
azureangelic: or when shes visiting john, dad says there's a mighty big storm rolling in and she immediately starts building a typhoon bunker

anon: i'm sorry, but i'm still hung up on her being excited to see a really fat pigeon.
azureangelic: the sad thing is im just sitting here picturing dave seeing an absurdly fat pidgeon and just grabbing his camera and flying down the stairs and just flashstepping behind streetlights and trashcans and benches until he's directly next to the pidgeon with the camera smushed into its face because holy fuck that is a big pidgeon

azureangelic: dave and jade: professional fat pidgeon enthusiasts
anon: pigeon quality is directly related to pigeon fatness
anon: and they're looking for only the highest quality of pigeon

azureangelic:
TG: jade can you confirm this
GG: i can confirm that this is a thing you're seeing!!
TG: this is it
TG: we found it
GG: i cant stop staring at it...
TG: jesus fuck look at this thing
TG: this is the single fattest piece of shit pigeon i have ever laid eyes upon
GG: it's so majestic
TG: can we fucking frame this moment jade
TG: the moment fate led us to the greatest pigeon known to mankind
GG: this pigeon is a national treasure, dave.
TG: im legit tearing up right now
GG: it's just so
GG: fat
TG: where the fuck are john and rose why arent they seeing this
GG: i told them they would be missing out!
TG: well they can cry about it later because
TG: god
TG: daaaaaaaamn

azureangelic: they're both just huddled around the pigeon
anon: meanwhile, people are watching them like they're crazy
anon: but they don't care
anon: they've found it
anon: pigeonzilla
anon: it waddles. even by bird standards, it waddles excessively
anon: jade's jotting notes

anon:
GG: subject is at least twice the size of our last discovery, codename: humphrey
TG: why did we pick that name
TG: we couldnt pick something like megaton the destroyer
TG: or pigeon little?
TG: the joke is it wasnt little at all
GG: humphrey is cute though
TG: humphrey sounds like some douchebag actor from the 60s
GG: dave, youre ruining my notes >:/

azureangelic:
TG: you know what i dont even care
TG: it can be humphrey or megaton or shia lebouf its still the best goddamn pigeon ive ever seen
GG: how heavy do you think it is?
TG: man idk youre the space witch you tell me
GG: you're closer!
TG: im not laying hands on it itll ruin the moment
GG: well then give me an estimate! you've handled lots of dead birds before
TG: none of the dead things ive handled were the earthly manifestation of edgeless surfaces
TG: its the size of fucking bird jupiter jade
TG: how much does jupiter weigh
GG: scientific estimates say a lot
TG: well divide that by bird and there you go
GG: uuughhhh!!
GG: okay fine, what do you think about the circumference?
TG: at least three fucktons
TG: in metric
GG: dave you aren't being very helpful :/
TG: being in the presence of this pigeon has removed my ability for capable thought
GG: rational thought
TG: idc give me a ruler or something
GG: you are not hitting humphrey with a ruler!!
TG: well you want measurements so give me a ruler
TG: shit hurry up jade hes escaping to the side
GG: follow him then!!
TG: im trying but hes moving at almost the speed of fat
GG: fat isn't a speed, dave
TG: just give me the ruler
EB: rose, i think our friends are going insane.
TT: That isn't saying a lot.

anon: you need to post that
anon: that is amazing and an entire fic dedicated to dave and jade hunting fat birds is something the world needs
azureangelic: scouring the world for the roundest avains known to humankind
azureangelic: which mostly translates into running around houston or the woods around rose's house with a camera, notepad, magnifying glass and telescope

azureangelic: im just imagining them trying to recruit more hands for their fat bird expiditions
azureangelic: johns too impatient to stare at birds all day, rose doesnt get the appeal, terezi would probably try to prosecute the fat birds for overwhelming obesity and kanaya is sort of interested at first but then her excitement tapers off when she realizes most of the fat birds are dull and grey
azureangelic: and not the exotic colorful birds she had seen on the internet

azureangelic: the two of them basically drag karkat kicking and screaming to go with them and they have to take turns holding his mouth shut so he doesnt scare off every bird in a 10 mile radius and as soon as they finally find a worthy fat bird he just sort of instantly goes quiet and stares at it in a disbeliving overwhelmed awestruck haze

azureangelic:
CG: HOW.
CG: HOW CAN SOMETHING LIKE THIS EVEN EXIST.
TG: i told you about the birds bro
GG: isn't it amazing?!
CG: I DON'T EVEN HAVE WORDS FOR THE MAGNITUDE OF THIS CREATURE.

anon: karkat is completely dumbstruck by how magnificent this bird is
anon: it's a sparrow, but it is in the upper echelon of sparrow girth
azureangelic: the top percentile of excessive sparrow physicality
anon: this is probably only a part of the sparrow's true form
anon: it's sheer massiveness bends time and space, causing it to exist in multiple dimensions at once
anon: basically, its hella fat

azureangelic: karkat starts climbing the tree to get a closer look and daves like shit no it isnt worth it karkat youll be sucked into its gravitational field come back we love you
anon: jade is egging him on in the interest of science
anon: she wants to see if it'll try to fight back or of it's size makes it too lazy to anything

azureangelic: he gets up closer and the top half of his head is just leering up from behind it and it just sits there and exists in an inexplicably stable state of overwhelming gratutiousness
azureangelic: and hes basically just sbahj_fucking_incredible.jpg

anon: he actually scoops it up and holds it in the palms of his hands
anon: lifting the bird reverently
azureangelic: jade has the look of a scientist who just watched his firstborn child successfully isolate a helium molecule
anon: she's so pproud of him
anon: dave has no words, for once
azureangelic: dave just slowly raises a thumb and may or may not be shedding a tear behind his glasses

anon: oh man.
anon: dave maintains their blog
azureangelic: jade has to make him not make the entire thing look like a 2001 corporate webpage that got run over by a jpeg clown car but after that it works out pretty well
azureangelic: their most popular post is the photo of karkat holding up the fat sparrow like the opening to the lion king with a "fucking majestic" caption