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- >Ugh, sunlight your mortal enemy... why can't it let you sleep?
- >Try to roll over. Total lack of resistance.
- >Drafty in here? No, wait, what is...
- >Fuck.
- >FUCK.
- >You're falling. You're like a billion miles up in the air for some reason and you're falling down fast and you're going to die oh god oh god oh god this is it fuck fuck fuck fuck
- >Calm down.
- >CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
- >Okay, okay, what?
- >The ground is still really far away. You have some time to think.
- >Scratch at the back of your head.
- >Wha? That's not quite right. Idly examine your ha...
- >Hoof.
- >Your hoof. Oh, okay.
- >Wait, WHAT?
- >Try to get a look at yourself.
- >You're... some sort of horse-thing?
- >Wearing some kind of tacky gold jewelry.
- >And you've got wings.
- >WINGS! YES!
- >WINGS MAKE FLYING GO DO IT DON'T DIE
- >WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR FLY DON'T DIE USE WINGS
- >USE WINGS USE WINGS USE WINGS USE WINGS USE WINGS
- >SHUT UP GODDAMN YOU ARE TRYING THIS IS HARD, OKAY?
- >Oh, hello ground. It snuck up on you while you were flailing your wings.
- >Slam, crack, thud, boom - whatever sound effect happened on impact, take your pick.
- >That... didn't really hurt. Maybe this is some kind of fucked up dream?
- >Climb out of the crater you made and look around.
- >How are you even doing that? You've never walked on four legs before.
- >Maybe it's just easier than it looks?
- >Hey, a pond. Check your reflection, make sure that you weren't just hallucinating from the sheer panic of falling to your death.
- >Nope, totally a horse thing. With wings.
- >A horn? And some kind of retarded tiara/crown thingy?
- >Your hair... or... mane? Yeah, horses have manes. Your mane is sorta blowing in the wind even though there's no wind.
- >You'd like to wake up now, so you go to pinch yourself before realizing you have hooves and can't do that anymore.
- >How long are you going to be here? Shouldn't falling have made you wake up?
- >How do you even work this body? How are you going to like, eat? Bend your neck down and put your face in the food? WHAT are you going to eat?
- >Clothes? Bathing?
- >...
- >Masturbating? With HOOVES?
- >Oh look, another horse thing is running toward you.
- >It's got a horn too. And it's purple? There are no way you guys are horses.
- >You're some kinda... shit, you don't even know. Marshmallows?
- >This horse thing is right in front of you now, and it looks worried.
- >"Princess, are you okay?"
- >Princess?
- >You reach your hoof back and start trying to feel around for your genitals, but you aren't exactly where they are so you end up sortof rubbing yourself for a bit until you stumble on...
- >Definitely not a dick, that's for sure.
- >Well fuck, you guess you're the prettiest pony princess.
- >Why is that purple horse staring at you like that?
- >And blushing FURIOUSLY?
- >Right, you're touching yourself. Put your hoof down you sick fuck.
- >"Eheh... yes. I'm, um, fine?"
- >"I'm r-r... I'm really sorry, Princess. It's um... i-it's all my fault."
- >The horse is stammering and blushing and tripping over itself. You make a mental note that hoof->genital contact is not an acceptable activity in public.
- >Okay, you're disoriented and have no idea what's going on. Just make a show of wobbling and holding your head and let amnesia and wooziness excuse your actions.
- >"My head is... fuzzy. Who exactly are you?"
- >Its face goes completely pale. It looks more devastated than you've ever seen any creature.
- >Seriously. It's like... it's like this horse spent its entire life baking the perfect cake, then got married and had this cake at the wedding, and you burst in and ate its soon-to-be-spouse before shitting the remnants all over that cake.
- >Or, you know, some better analogy that doesn't completely suck nuts.
- >What the fuck are you waiting for? You're not a monster, do something to make this horse feel less awful!
- >"No my... um, faithful subject... please. I just... everything is so... I must have hit my head really hard when I landed? I am sure it will come back to me in time. I'm certain you are very important to me."
- >Another horse comes running in over the hill. This one is some dark blue color and has a horn. Oh look, this one has wings like you.
- >Why doesn't the purple one have wings?
- >"Sister, there you are! What just happened?"
- >The purple one runs over to greet the blue one.
- >"Oh Luna, it's terrible! Celestia has amnesia and it's all my fault!"
- >Okay then. Checklist, what do you know? Name - Celestia. Gender - horse word for lady. Job - royalty.
- >"Amnesia? Oh dear... this could be problematic."
- >You shake your head.
- >"I'm sure everything will be fine. Just, get a substitute for me until I remember some things."
- >"Princess, we can't really do that. I mean sure, Equestria can probably run its government for a little while, but Luna still isn't quite as capable as she used to be."
- >The blue one looks ashamed.
- >"It... it's true. I am not currently able to handle your charge, dear sister."
- >"Maybe I can do it anyway? What exactly is the problem that my royalness needs to resolve?"
- >The purple one is panicking.
- >"Oh, this is not good... there's no way. If you can't remember simple facts, there's no way you could remember how to perform a complex Level J magical ritual!"
- >"Twilight, please calm yourself. Let us return to the castle and think. There is still plenty of time."
- >You look back and forth between the two of them for a bit, still pretty lost here.
- >"Whoa whoa whoa, hold it... magic?"
- >Both of them go completely still as their eyes widen to maximum 'oh shit' capacity.
- >"Okay, complete amnesia isn't... isn't the end of the world. We can re-educate you. Let's just go one item at a time. I'll make a checklist, but we need to hurry. There is a LOT of ground to cover between magic kindergarten and Level J."
- >Suddenly, the purple horn is glowing and there's a paper floating around.
- >Snap, actual magical magic! Dis gon' be gud.
- >"First things first. Your name?"
- >"Uh... Celestia?"
- >"Okay, good. Name. Check. Progress! We can do this!"
- >A quill makes a mark on the paper. Damn, an actual checklist. You think you like this horse.
- >About an hour later, it's established that you don't know jack shit about ANYTHING here. Twilight-
- >That's the purple one's name, Twilight Sparkle. She's also a lady horse like you. Lady horses are called mares.
- >Learning is fun!
- >Right, so Twilight's been really helpful here. You're in 'Equestria' and are in fact one of two Princesses that rule the joint. There are no Kings or Queens. She's not sure why.
- >There are three kinds of ponies- right, that's uh... you're not horses. You're called ponies. There are three types. Pegasuseseses have wings and can fly. Unicorns have horns and can do magic. Earth ponies are unlucky as fuck and get nothing.
- >You and your sister won the pony lottery and get wings and horns and immortality, so that's great.
- >Unfortunately, the sun and moon don't move on their own and it's up to the two of you to make the planet not die. Each of you is naturally tuned to one of them, but can move the other in a pinch.
- >Some bad shit went down in the past, and your sister isn't as powerful as she used to be. Right now, she can't actually move the sun, so if you can't figure it out pretty fucking quick everyone is going to die.
- >There's a ton of other trivial shit that you don't have time to go over right now. Apparently you're Twilight's teacher or something, but really right now the whole preventing total pony extinction thing takes priority.
- >Now that you have a basic grounding in this world and what things are, it's time for magic. You get a two second rundown of how to turn it on, and suddenly everything is golden.
- >You're a total pro. A complete natural. All you needed was the most basic fundamental knowledge and the rest practically took care of itself.
- >In five minutes, you're up to level H. Everything is going to be okay because you're the God-Princess of ponydom and you have got this shit under control.
- >As a test, you give the sun a little push.
- >Whoops, pushed it a little too far - there goes an hour.
- >Not a problem, just push it right back!
- >Holy fucking shit this is amazing! You CAN MOVE THE STARS.
- >Giddy about your achievement, you prance about like a retard clapping your front hooves together.
- >Your sister cuts your merriment short to dump a bunch of bullshit royal duties on you, and the rest of the day is spent figuring out all the shit what you gotta do.
- >You and your sister work together to swap day for night, and she walks off satisfied.
- >All in all, that went pretty well. Complete amnesia oh shit everyone is going to die to pretty much fine with some memory loss in under a day.
- >Clearly you are the BEST Princess.
- >As awesome as you are, you have some trouble sleeping that night. There are still too many weird questions.
- >Why can't you remember anything? It wasn't hitting your head, because you were confused up in the air.
- >How are you so good at magic if you can't remember anything?
- >What exactly happened to put you up in the air and how is it Twilight's fault?
- >And then worst of all... how do you explain these... odd feelings?
- >No, not like that. Not that kind. It's like...
- >You don't want to hurt these ponies. You like them. But you want to...
- >It would just be so fun if...
- >You can't put your finger... hoof. You can't put your HOOF on it, but you want to do something to these ponies.
- >No, not like that.
- >Look it's... okay, your window faces east. You can't stand the sun all up in your grill every morning.
- >Now that you're the SUN GOD you can control that. You need to get up early enough that you can raise the sun, because everything goes to shit without sunlight.
- >You'd never dream of not raising the sun, but that's too early so you need to go back to bed.
- >Which wouldn't be a problem if the sun weren't blasting you in the face.
- >So what if... just, y'know, it's not like it would hurt anyone...
- >What if you just put the sunrise in the WEST instead?
- >You'd get to go back to bed AND satisfy that odd itch of yours.
- >You don't want to hurt the ponies, but you do want to... confound them.
- >You want to frustrate them. You want to trick them. Make them feel silly.
- >And you totally could.
- >AND you'd get to sleep in.
- >It is time.
- >You crawl out of bed, a complete zombie.
- >You open the window and stare into the empty horizon.
- >Decision. Moment of truth. Really though, who even gets hurt?
- >You raise the sun in the west.
- >You flop back onto the bed and a warm fuzzy feeling flows through you. All is right with the world. What is wrong with you?
- >The warm fuzzies gently carry you back to sleep, and you dream.
- >You're sitting at a computer, typing away with your hands.
- >Yes, hands. That's right... you have hands. You're not a pony. What's wrong with you?
- >You pinch yourself, and as expected you snap awake.
- >Pony again.
- >Temporarily shelving this conundrum, you smile as you slip out of your room.
- >You greet all the ponies you see like absolutely nothing is wrong, even though they're all very clearly on edge about something.
- >Pretty much every one of them makes three or four poorly disguised attempts to shift the conversation to the sun.
- >Gee, you wonder what they could possibly be upsetting them?
- >You giggle inwardly. You feel fucking GREAT.
- >All day, you pull stupid shit.
- >Offer a pony a complement on their outfit.
- >Stealth in a comment that implies they're fat.
- >Life is good.
- >Tap a pony on the shoulder.
- >Pretend it wasn't you.
- >Do it again.
- >Just had tea poured? Magic the tea away so the cup is empty as soon as they turn back around and smile politely as they refill the cup.
- >Watch them spin in place for ten minutes before they need to go get more tea.
- >Loving this feeling.
- >What are you doing, and why does it feel so good?
- >That night, you fall asleep much more easily and slide into another dream.
- >You're at the computer again. What exactly are you doing?
- >The internet. Right.
- >RIGHT.
- >You're a HUMAN. You live on EARTH. You frequent IMAGEBOARDS.
- >And suddenly the weird feelings make sense.
- >You're a massive troll. You remember now. Quite frankly, your attempts here are embarrassing and childish now that you realize what you were trying to do.
- >It's all so perfect. You're an unquestioned monarch. Your subjects lives literally depend on you.
- >You can do whatever you want, and these ponies will hardly (if ever!) dare to call you out on anything.
- >You idly wonder if the real Celestia was able to resist the urge to troll.
- >And where she is now.
- >And how you got here.
- <There. Perfect place to stop.
- <They'll all want to know what happens, and they never will.
- <Man, hooves suck. These hands are WAY better.
- <Hopefully Anon's figured out how to make a half-decent trollface in my old body.
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