Lasers and Feelings: Assholes in Space

tl;dr, skip to avoid spoilers

we entirely fuck up the game, kill a guy for having a brain, release brain-eating worms, bring his brain wrapped in banana peels to the head of the medical ward, kill her, then launch all escape pods, seal all doors and escape the ship with one of the players dying in the process.



We start in the cafeteria of the USS Queen of Hearts, a stealth vessel, with our heroes: Bruce Donkchamp, the sexiest doctor alive, C00LM3IST3R-001, the cool soldier android with a penchant for alcohol, and Richard "Dick" Breaker, the ship's mechanic and resident shoddy circuit breaker fixer.

Bruce gets a call: Admiral Honk was found sodomizing a vending machine. When the three arrived, they found the Admiral dead, his brain missing. After searching the Admiral's room for clues, the gang uncovered 3 ripe bananas, 1 banana peel, a grenade, and a PDA covered in lube. C00LM3IST3R-001 plugged into the PDA and read the emails, finding that Admiral Honk last spoke to the roboticist.

Heading down to the roboticist's, the gang finds the man himself sitting at a desk wondering where his life went wrong, as a bot that was made out of a butt, whose construction was requested by Admiral Honk, rolled around, saying "BUTT." The gang questions the roboticist about the Admiral's missing brain, and the roboticist claims he has no hidden brain, as he directs them to a room where he claims if he had a brain, he would store it there. The gang finds no brains initally, but C00LM3IST3R-001 does a scan, and finds a biological mass hidden behind something.

Ignoring this fact for a time, C00LM3IST3R-001 scans the roboticist to determine if he was hiding the missing brain on him. The scan reveals none, barring the brain in the man's head. C00LM3IST3R-001 opens fire and splatters the roboticist's head for lying about not having a brain on him. Bruce grabs the brainchunks and pieces together the brain again, while Dick ties the brainchunks neatly together with three banana peels.

The gang is about to leave, before they recall the biomass C00LM3IST3R-001 scanned, which they investigate. It turns out to be a jar of weird brainworms. C00LM3IST3R-001 shoots the jar of brainworms, releasing them as they scurry away inside some vents.

We head back to the head of the medical part of the ship, and to a fat whale of a woman named Bertha, who assigned us with the task of uncovering clues to the Admiral's missing brain. We present the reconstructed roboticist's brain tied with banana peels to her, telling her it was the brain of the Admiral, hidden on an uncooperative suspect. She becomes increasingly suspicious as the conversation continues. Eventually, she triggers an alarm. C00LM3IST3R-001 shoots and kills her upon Dick's mentioning her actions as suspicious and that she is probably controlled by the brainworms.

Security is now on its way. Dick hacks into the woman's computer, gaining some moderate control over a few systems of the ship. Upon unanimous group decision, he launches all the escape pods from the ship. Security is banging on the door now, several failed escape attempts are made to try and get out of this one-way room with security blocking the door. We open the door, see they have a giant robot with them and 5 armed guards, and close the door. At this point, the group believes everyone except themselves are under control of the brainworms. Bruce tries to reason with them, as C00LM3IST3R-001 mentions the brainworms, which puts the guards on full alert now, guns pointed at us. Our first attempt at escape resulted in trying to throw the grenade at the guards, which Dick would open then close the door quickly to allow, which ended with Bruce throwing the pin at the guards and the door closing, with the grenade still inside the room. They stuff the grenade inside Bertha's corpse, and they're safe.

Dick devises a plan: throw the brainana (brain wrapped in banana peels) out into the guards in hopes that, either brainworms come and kill the guards, or any brainworms controlling the guards stop controlling them and go after the new brain. Bruce says he will throw the brain as Dick opens the door. C00LM3IST3R-001 calculates the odds as a million to one. The toss goes far, resulting in nothing, as the door seals too late to save Bruce from incoming fire.

Dick hacks deeper into the computer, managing to access and remotely reprogram the security bots across the ship to be friendly to himself and C00LM3IST3R-001. He then calls an escape shuttle and seals every single door on the ship except those that create a path for himself and C00LM3IST3R-001 leading to the armory and shuttle bay. They head to the armory, finding it mostly looted courtesy of the guards, but they grab a few remaining flash grenades.

Heading to the shuttle bay, they're about there when a group of guards comes. C00LM3IST3R-001 flashbangs them as he and Dick enter the shuttle bay and seal the doors behind them, blockading it for good measure. The automated shuttle arrives, they board it, and highfive at having survived the ordeal.

Dick and C00LM3IST3R-001 left an entire ship's worth of people to die with escape pods vented doors sealed and the shuttle launched with brainworms on the loose.

But hey, at least 2 out of the 3 player characters lived.