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Nov 19th, 2015
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  1. So thanks to escapism, I didn't make any progress in the past year. Now, that I find I'm unable to escape any more, I realize I need to get shit together PRONTO. There are still lots of parallels to my situation last year which prompted me to make that thread; however, some things have been made a little more clear. I wouldn't say I'm in such an existential crisis so much as in a really bad anxiety situation severely affects the way I'm living life. I don't know how to break free from it.
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  3. I'm still in a really bad situation for a 21 year old male because of all of the things I went through. However, if I want to accomplish my goals, I need to get my act together right now. However, a lot is holding me back. A lot of the core issues are still affecting me, like depression, not comprehending anything because of the chaos in my head, the anxiety surrounding not being able to comprehend anything (which might be the root issue after all, hopefully) and not having any experience with the world (essentially having to make a leap from childhood to adulthood, without the bridge 'teenhood'). This is a really bad situation to be in at my age because I don't have the experience to foster success in accomplishing my goals, and I have to catch up to where I should be (and/or want to be) for my age which could take years, at least on paper. For example, wanting a long-term relationship but not having any experience at all in dating. The reason why I'm posting this thread is because I don't know where to start. Like I said, I've lived exclusively in my head for the past 6-9 years so because of how little experience I have with the world, I cannot take advantage of opportunities, groom interests, or relate to people. I don't know what to do first in the process of growing.
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  5. To be more specific about goals -- here is my main one:
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  7. - Eliminate anxiety and find stability. These are both separate, but they go hand in hand. I mentioned in my doomsday thread what was preventing me from getting out of this rut:
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  9. "I want to learn new things, but I can't completely comprehend anything I am unfamiliar with -- whether it be a concept, idea or even word sentence -- sometimes things just don't fucking register in my brain and don't appear to logically make any sense."
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  11. "because I'm so scatterbrained, I end up spacing out details that are important to tasks. As simple as a task may be, because of the internal chaos, I cannot pay attention in detail and structure -- I skim to form an impression in my mind. I guess you could call it absorbing information, similar to what you were saying. Again, there are holes in my understanding which lead to inconsistency, which leads to ineffectiveness. It doesn't matter how simple a task is, I find ways to make myself look as retarded as possible."
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  13. This has been THE THING that prevents me from making any progress and has made my life a living hell the past 6 years. Concrete example: I was over at a friends house last weekend smoking weed for the first time. Since I've lived in a bubble for 6-9 years, I've never used a lighter, let alone a bong. I was really awkward when trying to use the lighter thanks to social anxiety and self consciousness coming through in the clutch, and it also got in the way of my friend explaining how to use the bong, so I spaced out certain key details. I couldn't comprehend anything. He must have explained what to do a few more times, but for the life of me I could not focus and follow directions appropriately. I was putting the bowl back in when I wasn't supposed to. I can't even describe in detail what was going on because I still don't know how a bong works because my anxiety fucked with my short term memory. So I don't really remember. See? Even right now - me describing what happened - is scattered and unstructured which is inefficient. This HAS to stop if I want to move on in life. But I'm not sure how to quickly eliminate these brain conditions besides drugs, which of course I know nothing about.
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  15. I mean, come on. Is this really just anxiety turning me essentially into a retard? Or am I really that fucking stupid (slow)?
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  17. This also prevents me from learning. Like I illustrated in my thread:
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  19. "I get into this almost manic state where I'm like "Okay, let's fuckin' do this! Okay, that's interesting. Wait, what the fuck does that mean? I'll google what "derived" means. Okay. Let's read more. Okay, what the fuck? That reminds me of my cousin, didn't she say something like that example of people like that illustrated? Why am I not even that close with my cousin anyway? *hypothetical social situation pops into my head* *start telling off my cousin, aunts and uncles, going into this intellectual rage* Wait, is it just aspergers? *go back on reddit's sub for aspergers* Okay fuck this, I'm playing GTA."
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  21. That's the price I pay for not paying attention in high school. Like I said, I have the real world perspective of a 12 year old. Like I said, don't drive, never worked, don't even know what simple things like credit cards, mortgage, or debt really are; and don't really know the fundamentals of anything major because of my escapism, including things like politics, religion, music, technology -- and also other things like not having various social experiences -- all of which would help me understand the world and relate to people more. I need to cram information in pronto if I want to catch up to my age -- BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO FUCKING START!!! You might say meditation could work here, but because of my messed up attention I can't get to anything major, and the small things I do never lead to any progress. It's so hard to get into a routine when you're starting small because it's small enough to feel like you're making no progress, which will demotivate you enough to stop. However, starting bigger is much more stressful. So it's kind of lose-lose. Again, I'm not sure what to do about this besides shelling out money on cognitive enhancers (nootropics) hoping they will kick start my brain into a more productive state of mind. Again, of course I know nothing about this - and I'm broke.
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  23. Of course, both of these issues (anxiety/unstability) have affected the way I communicate (consistently). I need to be able to consistently communicate if I want to reach another goal, which I'll get to later.
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  25. I don't want to worry about anything else until I eliminate the anxiety, scatterbrain, and ground myself. So career/school stuff is irrelevant at this point. Though working and hobbies are a different story because that's essential. I have a good idea about hobbies, so that's no issue. But finding stability -- being in the same position and having a real world perspective of a 21 year old -- that is also ESSENTIAL.
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  27. There is one other major goal which is kind of arbitrary but has been something that I've, at times, almost obsessed over ever since I was a child, which leads me to believe that I'll never feel differently about this, possibly until I experience it. So I have no choice but to listen to my heart and go for it, rather than fight it:
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  29. - Long Term Relationship. I've always wanted a young long-term relationship/marriage/etc. At 21 years I am still fairly young but getting close to the end of my youth (I've always been under the impression you really settle into adulthood once your prefrontal cortex develops, which is around age 25) Now I'm flexible if I find somebody great and they're not ready to hardcore commit. I recognize that it's partly just a label, anyway. But I've always been drawn to the idea of growing with somebody beautiful (tho kinda subjective) mentally/emotionally/physically, over the years, watching that person, and us, evolve, and then constantly compare our progress to when we were younger; this experience fascinates me. Now it's just my perception, but personally it would such a beautiful work of art to watch. (Life is art in motion, but that's a different matter; it supports my point tho) I really want to get this done within the next 2-3 years, as silly as it may sound. You might have to say I should accept not having a young relationship because of my really inadequate situation. But given that I am alive, in an arena (earth) where technically the sky is the limit, I say why the fuck shouldn't I try? There's a chance that I am actually intelligent and once I'm able to kick start my brain into a better position, I can catch up very quickly and start really growing as a person. I think once I eliminate my anxiety (if that's what's causing my problems, hopefully) find stability and basically get my shit together, I'm ready to commit. I've always been that way -- no messing around, mature, old-soul type.
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  31. Now, this isn't to say I will never be happy without a relationship. Of course that isn't true. But I just want to experience one, and experience it the way I want to. If I'm not able to in that way then I fear there will be a nagging feeling that I'll never be fulfilled, or missed out. There's a lot of anxiety surrounding that.
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  33. The good news is that I'm not as distraught over the possible Asperger's scenarios, even though they still scare me. I'm not as hellbent about finding out now, if things aren't the way I hoped it might seriously mess me up. So I'd rather not know as long as I'm building my life. As long as I've accomplished what I set out for, and I'm living with little to no stress -- I could give two fucks about it.
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  35. (And for the record, I don't hate myself. Major frustration =! hate. I love the idea of who I want to become.)
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  37. So yeah, in summary: Goals: eliminate anxiety -> find stability -> groom hobbies -> find some quality people (potential LTR) -> ???. But I don't know where the fuck to start, because I can take care of the first two simultaneously. So where do I start when it comes to finding stability? Am I really that behind in life? I can self-teach myself what I missed over the internet, right? Should I just go straight for the hobby route? Is my lack of real life experience going to fuck me over, and force me into a prison for several years fixing myself? Is my lack of social experience going to prevent me from finding a partner quickly after I find stability? Can I catch up quickly, even if I am not as intelligent? Should I start with meditation and would it be too chaotic to simultaneously fix my situation? Am I on track to waste my youth because of my position and situation?
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