Ugly Rainbow Dash *Ended*

>Be Anon
>Ponyville's largest pest
>Largest as in, you are taller than any other problem in the area, as well as a pest
>You lounge on park benches and heckle ponies
>Doesn't take much to rile them up
>(you) can hardly contain yourself half the time
>But lately most of the townsponies started to catch on
>Instead of the regular
>You preferred the heat of the sun to wrap you like a blanket for extra comfy trolling, but you've had to move shop
>Now you are Anonymous, Ponyville's largest pest, and the most frequent book reader
>Twilight was disqualified from that position since, she never technically checks out the books she reads
>That one got immediate reaction from Purple Smart
>Since then you've been on a constant supply of love and attention from the Elements of Harmony
>"Fuck you Anon! Can't you go somewhere else!?"
>Ah, Rainbow Dash.
>Such an easy mark
"No, Rainbow Dash. Some of us around here like to expand our minds. The thing between your ears is a muscle too, maybe if you used it more often you might not be so slow."
>Not your best, but from the literal fuming smoke coming from her ears, results are good
>"He is right, Darling. This is a public library"
>"But does he have to be so annoying all the time? Twilight can't you force him to stay quiet while he's here?"
>"Well uh, technically Rainbow, I got rid of those rules as soon as I was in charge here, since *cough*some of us *cough*, are a bit noisy already"
>"Like who?"
>You can barely contain your snickering
>This was almost as good as internet
>Soon your smile turned to gloom
>But there's no porn on this planet
>Of all the things this place had to offer, there was not a single goddamn smut magazine in this place
>Tech is still in the early colonial times since everybody was a lazy fuck and just relies on magic and friendship
>Man, fuck friendship
>Nameless acquaintanceship is where it's at
>Need more of them (you)'s
>Fluttershy tries settling things quick
>"Rainbow, don't worry about Anon. It's just part of his customs."
>"Shy's ri'ght. Ya can't let the varmint get under your skin that quick."
>"Yeah, I guess."
>Twilight smiles
>"Don't worry Rainbow Dash, we understand. Now, let's get back on topic. How are we going to raise money for the school?"
>Okay, you're still tracking, and even though this has nothing to do with you, your curiosity is peaked
"What happened to your taxes?"
>Twilight glares at you
>If you were a lesser man, you'd hide behind your book, but in a land without any porn, politics, or a career field work with your niche skillset, there's no consequence in dying.
>"We lost them. That's what happened."
"No, but sero-"
>"We. lost. them."
"Oh really?"
>"Yes, really, now drop it or you'll be charged with treason"
>You lean your chair that's way too small for you to look at her wings
>That's right, despite all the racial integration and minority support, race still determines hierarchy
>I guess as long as you get a check in the mail every month you're going to have to deal
>Not that you care about much anyways
>You drop the books, and hold both hands in front of you in a defensive manner
"Alright, fair enough. Consider it dropped"
>"So twi, how many bits are we s'ppose to round up?"
>Twi bites her lip
>"Everything goes to school, so as much as possible"
"Maybe you should put that body on the market and you're sure to real in dough"
>It didn't take much time, but you're pretty sure you'd fuck that marshmallow horse
>Twilight tilts her head
>Honestly, it's adorable
>"What do you mean Anon?"
>Twilight, Fluttershy, Pinky, and Rainbow Dash are sharing the same lost look
>Holy shit really?
>They don't hav-
>Meanwhile Rarity and Applejack glare at you with daggers
>Oh, so there is that sort of shit in Equestria
>Shit
>Um
>Make something up
>Something that isn't sexwork
"Yeah, uh. You can- uh. Have an auction, and offer to- uh, go on a date, with the highest bidder."
>You chuckle nervously
>That was close
>Honestly, you've never heard or seen one of these things in action
>you have plausible deniability at whatever awkward sexual confrontation they might have later might be like
>The girls muse over it for a while, whispering amongst each other
>Then they smile at you
>"Great idea, Anon. With this we can definitely raise enough money."
>Shit really?
"Shit really?"
>"Yeah, and it's only a date so nothing can go wrong"
>You don't know whether you're the autist or they are, but you know something's going to go wrong
>Rarity clops her hooves in excitement
>"Oh, this is a splendid idea. We should plan on holding it this weekend and then the date the day after."
>Rainbow Dash is practically hovering off the ground, and by practically you mean literally
>"This is gonna be so awesome. Great idea, Anon"
>The girls begin giddily talking out details
>Just breath, Anon.
>None of this will be your fault
>Just remember it's a cultural thing
>Right
>You reaffirm your upright posture and continue trying to look interested in your book till everyone clears out-
>"Hey Anon,"
>Suddenly Pinkie
>You nearly jump out of your seat from her spontaneous appearance beside you
>"Whatcha doin?"
"Uh, reading, of course."
>"Whatcha reading?"
>Fuck
>All conversation stops
>Suddenly you were the most important person in the room
>Shiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeee-
>You [spoiler]book it[/spoiler], before leaping out of the nearest window and run down the street
>Nobody bothered to ask if you knew how to read their horse hieroglyphics
>Pinkie and company stared in awe of your stunt
>Pinkie shifts her gaze to the novel you dropped and read the title
>Her eyes dilated and then nodded
>"Oh, so it's one of those books"

>Be Anon
>Been some time since the library
>You go back to your roots harassing the park goers with memes they don't understand
>They just see you as the charming local inebriated extraterrestrial alien
>Though finally the weekend has come
>You heard about it from your poker group that the girls were actually going through with it
>Some guidelines were made like no winning two auctions
>You have them for a day to hang out with
>Maybe take em to dinner, maybe aggressively cuddle under the blankets
>Nothing too crazy, but the opportunity is that it definitely can get crazy
>You get one shot, from tomorrow's sunrise to sunset
>Too much to be gained here
>Every stallion is gathered at the town square with their savings
>All of them want a chance with the super stars
>Apparently, the real prize was Rarity
>Can't disagree
>She totally looks like a slut, so she had a high payout, though looking around competition was high
>You yourself brought your own piggy bank
>Got a good 200-300 bits
>Maybe you might be able to snag applejack, though the talk around town is that all of them have a lot of value
>Cept Rainbow Dash
>Can't understand why
>She works out
>Has energy
>Must be a horse thing
>Maybe you'll talk to the guys about it later tonight
>Finally the stage is set and Twilight and the others line up behind her
>Twilight approaches a podium and explains the shit
>Yaddaa yaddaa
>No angry sex
>blah blah blah
>School money
>Etcetera etcetera
>Now let's get to the good stuff
>"Alright then starting with Rarity, we'll begin with the bidding at 200 bits"
>"300"
>"400"
>"500"
>"1000"
>"2000"
>Your jaw drops
>You can live a month on 400 shekels
>You only have this surplus from odd jobs for this exact emergency, but even that's not enough
>You notice now that there are members in the crowd that came in from Canterlot
>To say you never had a chance goes without saying
>Fucking pay to play
>Goddamn 1%
>Next time they better make it residents only
>Bidding ended at a whopping 10,000 bits
>Thunderous applause congratulating the son of a bitch who stole her from us
>You are somewhat surprised, but then again this feels not all that unfamiliar to home
>From there Twilight took the stand
>"Starting bid at 200 bi-
>"eight thousand!"
>"Nine thou-"
>fuck my life
>I mind as well just get a cheap whore now at this rate
>Certainly beats getting my hopes up
>You tune out when you hear that they moved on to Pinkie Pie
>Cmon, stay in my price range please
>Pinkie is actually kinda coo-
>"four thou-"
>Another depressed sigh
>You look at the neighbors and they're just as irritated
>You actually see some stallions pooling bits together
>You shrug
>Better to struggle than to wallow, I guess
>After the clapping for the victor to shellout a shitload of cash for Pinkie, you shake off your stupor and get ready for another round
>Next up was Rainbow Dash
>To be honest she looks nervous on her hooves
>Kinda skiddish
>Whatever, you're already ready to have your hopes [spoiler]stomped[/spoiler]
>"We'll start the bidding at 200 bits"
>…
>…
>You hear somepony cough
>Wow
>You look around
>Nobody?
>Really
>You see Rainbow Dash barely contained grimace
>Oh my god
>It's like a horror story you used to imagine back in middle school
>Ugh
>You feel like you're going to throw up
>You look around desperately
>You see nobles looking unapathetically, stone faced
>You see Butterscotch and Big Mac turning away their faces
>I mean, cmon, she's no Rarity, but she's fine
>She stay fit
>She's aggressive
>She's petite
>Not half bad out of ten
>You can almost make out the tears welling up in her eyes
>Fuck it
>You raise your auctioneer’s sign up
>"We have two hundred, anyone else?"
>Silence
>Dead chilling silence
>Holy shit, you don't even want to be here from all the eye contact now
>You try to shake it off, but it still bugs you, not that anyone would notice
>"Sold at 200 bits"
>You sigh
>You get a bit of a golf clap and a bit of a pity clap
>Some of your pals were shrugging
>Even though you stand two feet above the crowd, you start to pull back out of people's vision and just wait for this thing to get over with

>You wait for the rest of the auction to go by
>Overall the girls actually raised a shit load of dosh
>The original goal of 20k was met with Twilight alone
>People’d pay hella money for an alicorn
>You, however, couldn’t focus on the actual numbers for anypony other than your “date”
>You couldn’t wrap you mind on it
>Rainbow Dash looks fine
>She’s got toned muscles
>Enthusiasm and energy
>Voice is a bit rougher, but even you can appreciate gravellyness
>Gives an honest feel to it
>It’s nothing compared to your superior nipon anime waifu but for a horse it’s got its charm
>whatever it is it’s clearly in full effect and undisguised
>Rainbow Dash knew it’d be bad on stage, but it’s downright heart wrenching how you basically got her from the bargain bin while her friends cost a fortune
>Still you have her fair and square
>You meet up with the other auction winners after the crowd thins out to work out the details with respective prizes
>Twilight meets with us first
>”I want to first say, thank you for all of your generosity today. Because of your support, we earn more than enough to finance the school and even make improvements to the classroom and playground.”
>A short applause for the sake of circlejerking went around
>” Now, you all know the rules and we should have a fun time”
>You look at the other donors
>Fancy Pants got Rarity so I’m sure it’s probably just going to be him showing her off at parties
>Filthy Rich got Twilight, probably for business shit
>Some other Canterlot elite got Pinkie Pie for party and making business connections
>Photo Finish got Fluttershy, who’s squirming under the gaze of her donor
>Only person who looks like they actually wanted to get laid is Trenderhoof who’s not even going to pretend he isn’t drooling at Applejack
>Damn, gotta hate corporate Equestria
>Taking all the fun and opportunity away from the people
>It also makes you uncomfortable to be so out of your element
>You just want to go back at screaming at people from your lawnchair
>But you probably only feel half as bad as Dash
>You walk up to her and she’s already has a shaky smile, and the dry tears ain’t helping
>She’s shifting from one leg to the other
>You see her look to her friends
>Fuck this isn’t going to be easy
“So, uh, how do you want to do this”
>She doesn’t make eye contact with you
>Her voice cracks right off the back
>”Just, whatever you want”
>You bite your lip and look to the side
>Everybody else is too engaged or looks too engaged to help out
>You speak slowly to buy some time to think
“Yeah, well, I’m kind of a simple sort of guy, so I don’t really have any plans right now, but if you want to meet up tomorrow morning on the usual run, I might have something figured out.”
>Between a sniffle she barely made out
>“Sure, whatever”
>She under her mane you can barely see her lip quiver
>”I’ll see you then”
>Just as she said it, she zoomed off at mach speed away
>You barely have time to blink before she’s gone
>Looking around, you realize you have everypony’s attention with mixed looks of apathy and appreciation
>Rarity nods to Fancy Pants before trotted to you
>”Anonymous, do you have a minute?”
“Sure”
>You two split from the group and head off down the street directionless
>”So, Darling…”
“So…”
>Rarity sighs
>”I actually want to thank you, though as bad as it is for Rainbow Dash, she’d be demolished if nopony made an offer”
“Yeah, I’d imagine. Probably should have forked over a bit more on the first bid, but eh, it’s over now.”
>”Exactly, but I need you to use whatever you haven’t for tomorrow.”
>You quirk a brow
>Bitch you gonna tell me how to spend my money and my date
>You fine, but you ain’t that fine
>She apparently senses your defensiveness
>”I know I have no business requesting this, but Rainbow Dash needs this to go well. We figured it might be bad, but if things get worse, she’ll be in shambles and it’ll take more than just one friendship lesson to fix”
“Alright, first, what’s the deal with nobody splurging on Rainbow? She’s some sort of hero isn’t she?”
>”Technically, yes, but you see Rainbow Dash just doesn’t have… a lady’s appeal to her?”
>You fold your arms and raise a brow
>Rarity exhales and looks around, before turning to face you again
>”She doesn’t have the right genetics…”
>You roll your wrist
>”She… Rainbow just doesn’t have the right… stuff”
>You look down at her and continue to roll your wrist
>”She’s not attractive”
>Okay now this is new
“How so?”
>Rarity is starting to look more uncomfortable by the second, before she sighs
>”I’ll let you ask around about this, but what’s important is what’s on the inside. So just make sure to give Rainbow Dash a good date. The girls and I would be incredibly grateful.”
>You wave her off
“Alright, I get ya. I’ll be sure to play nice.”
>”Thank you, darling, that’s all I ask”

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

“I can feel it”
>”Bullshit, you ain’t no unicorn”
“No, I have alien senses, and they are telling me that this is my time”
>Thunderlane, the black Pegasus laughed at you
>”Did those alien sense also tell you to lose half your money too?”
>You inhale
“All part of the plan”
> You rub your hands together
“All in”
>You look around the table
>Butterscoth shoves away his cards
>”out”
>One down
>Big Mac looks at you with scrutiny before shaking his head
>”Nope”
>That’s two
>Thunderlane, the cocky son of a bitch smirks at you
>”I know your bluffing”
>You have only a seven, five, king, and a two showing
>You have no idea why ponies seem to love seven card stud
>They already know all the forms of poker here, cept Pai Gow
>Texas Hold em is clearly superior, but they just keep playing seven card stud
>”I’ll call”
>But as time went on you started adjusting to the shit format
“Read em and weep”
>You flip over your straight and immediately reach into the pile
>”Son of a-“
>You’re not a great player, but you can always count on getting at least a third of Thunderlane’s bits
>This time though you’re leaving just a bit more than you started
>”I don’t know why I keep coming back here, I swear”
>Thunderlane tossed his cards and sulked
>Big mac reached over and dragged them with his leg and began to shuffle
>You never would have imagines a horse shuffling cards, but some sort of hoof magic makes like some stupid invisible fingers
>You wanna scream at someone over it, but by now you’re kinda numb to it
>”You’re ante Anon?”
>You lean back in your chair
“Nah, calling it done before I end up like feather brain here”
>”Hey, fuck you too pal. I’m in”
>A slight chuckle goes around
>You start collecting up your bits in a pouch before you stop
“Before I go I gotta ask, what’s up with Rainbow Dash”
>Butterscotch nods slightly, “ahhh, yup. You did win that date earlier”
“Indeed I did. So what’s up with the town?”
>Thunderlane chimed in
>”It’s not the town. It’s that Rainbow Dash is shit marrying material”
“Pretend I don’t have your horsey horse taste and elaborate”
>Big Mac started dealing out the two face downs and first face up card
>”No ass, no hips, no breasts”
>Butterscotched tossed in a couple bits
>”No manners, no real skills”
>Thunderlane swung his head
>”Total bitch, probably a dyke”
>Big mac called, before dealing the next river card
>”Immature”
>Butterscotch looks at his fourth card then peeks at his holecards, before tapping the table twice
>“unattractive”
>Thunderlane mimics the same actions
>”Unfunny and laughs way too loud”
>Big Mac taps the table twice before dealing another card to each player
>”And just plain ugly”
>Wow
>Holy shit
>You thought you were getting sports tomboy
>But it seems like she’s a fatchick in this universe who’s clinging onto her more attractive friends
“Yeah, but she’s got muscles. You can see them on her legs”
>Thunderlane sneers
>”Yeah and it’s disgusting. You want to look at bones under someone’s skin go to a morgue”
>Christ, these guys have shit taste
>Like no, Rainbow Dash isn’t great, but this world in general seems to just have shit taste all around
>Butterscotch nods
>”Also, she’s small. I mean and shorter and it’d be like fucking a kid”
>Thunderlane laughed
>”Yeah, and she acts like one too”
>You’re all for a bit of bullying but now this just feels like bagging on her
>At least you now know more
>And she’s been living in a world that thinks she’s shit
>Well, it’s gotta happen to someone somewhere
>Not even going to bother mentioning she’s an element of harmony
>They already know, but before she’s some international hero, to them she’s their neighbor and not the only one to save the world
>Thunderlane grins
>”But Rarity, now there’s a lady-“
“Yeah, I know. Even I can see it”
>”Right!?”
>You look outside of the barn
>Every other night you guys come by Big Mac’s place to hang out and play cards
>Need some time away from mares even if they’re a couple yards away
“Alright it’s getting pretty dark outside, I’m going to call it early and head home”
>”Already, I haven’t even gotten my chips back”
“Yeah, yeah, but I got business tomorrow”
>Butterscotch didn’t bother to look as you put on your coat
>”Okay, good luck you poor son of a bitch”
>Big Mac just nods at you
>”Stay safe”
>You wave them off and walk into the cold chilly night under the stars
>You can even see your breath as you head back to town
>Dark, thick apple trees cover your vision to the left and right only giving a small window to look at the road
>With each step your mind races of ways to figure this shit out
>You’re not a kinda guy who hands empathy out, but this situation might call for a different kinda Anon out of you
>You don’t like playing the nice guy, but it’s kinda hard not to sympathize with her
>And none of that, “oh two kindred souls under the same sword bullshit”
>You kinda feel something
>And that’s not something you do often
>What do you even do?
>You already hear your own sarcastic ass voice echo in your thoughts
 >>”Jus bee yerself bruh”
>You wipe a hand over your face and slide it off your chin
>If you dish it out, ya gotta take it sometimes
>The lights of ponyville start shining brighter as you clear over a hill
>Whatever, maybe you’ll figure it out while trying to sleep
>You walk over to a small shack near the interior of the town and open the door
>Without any light you toss your jacket in your “plus size” chair
>Closing the door behind you, you throw off your jacket and shoes, before leaping onto your couch
>You take out the blankets from under you and lie there staring at the ceiling
>You continue to lie there scheming until unconsciousness takes over you.


>You stir from unconsciousness kicking, before you jolt yourself upright
>Another nightmare
>You sigh and kick off your covers
>Nothing short of total exhaustion will give you actual rest in Equestria
>Just dreams of gray skies and empty field
>Which normally would be awesome
>Your introverted enough to enjoy peaceful serenity
>But no, your dreams have to be, not scary, but unnerving
>Fucking hell
>You get up and look towards the window
>Not even a hint of the sun. but you know it’s probably close by
>Then again, no use in trying to get sleep after your adrenaline kicked in after that shock
>You get up and start heading over to the stove and grab a log
>You open the chamber and toss the wood in and light a match
>A little tricky dicky, but after a bit it complies
>Both the stove and a candle got lit up
>Jar of butter, a loaf of bread from the bakery, and some eggs and couple spices
>Gotta say, compared to your home, this place has it outclassed on ingredients
>No cheeseburger for miles, but you’ll settle for some damn fine French Toast
>Takes maybe fifteen minutes before you got a feast fit for a king on your table
>A glass of water and your ready to go, but you hear a knock on the door
>You look to the window and see it’s still before sunrise
>You look cautiously at the door and furrow your brow in suspicion
>You don’t get visitors
>Ever
>Like not just in Equestria, but you just NEVER get visitors
>You open the door and look down
“Oh, wow, Twilight. I genuinely did not expect to see you.”
>”Hi Anon, got a second?”
>You sigh and lean on the door frame
“Lemme guess, Rainbow Dash?”
>”How’d you know?”
“Human psychic powers, now what  do I win?
>Twilight gives you a flat look
>”This is serious, I need your word you’ll take this seriously”
>You put your hand on your chest
“My goodness Twilight, how can you even say such a thing? Why whatever have I done to make you mistrust little ol me?”
>”You spent ten minutes a day feeding birds, but the throw rocks at the pigeons”
>Crows are for bros
>Pigeons are for cuckolds
“And?”
>”Let me put it this way to not offend your alien traditions you seem to always have”
>Fuck now Twilight’s starting to catch on
>You might have lived in Ponyville for too long
>”I don’t get you Anon. I really don’t. I have never seen a more miserable creature be so lonely, yet still push others away.”
>You turn to stone on the spot
>Your cutting way too deep in the morning, Twilight
>You never asked for this
>”And you continue this rambunctious behavior, heckling ponies and berating some, while also praising and uplifting others, even the ponies you’ve previously criticized sometimes in the same day. Don’t think we don’t notice Anon. Sweetie Belle, does really feel better after your talks with her, even though your word choice is...”
“Diverse?”
>”Inappropriate.“
>You look away slightly sneering
>You don’t need this
>Hands on your hips, you look at your feet
“Well, this has been a great talk Prin-“
>”Let me finish.”
>You sigh and wipe a hand over your face
>”I know you can be a nice pony when you want to, I just… this is very important to me and the girls-“
“-the girls and I”
>Twilight’s left wing flicked a bit involuntarily, before she exhales
>”And it would mean a lot if you take today seriously. We’d be eternally grateful and would be willing to offer a reward as long as Rainbow Dash is happy.”
>pffft
“Reward eh? Well Princess, you certainly have my attention, but let me say this. The fact that you knock on my door first thing in the morning to tell me not to be an autist is extremely insulting. I’ll do whatever I goddamn please. Now you can kindly fuck off of my lawn.”
>You slammed the door on the face of a princess
>Scratch that one off the bucket list
>You sit down and greedily eat your breakfast and down your water
>You toss your utensils on your plate
>Your still mad
>In hindsight you probably didn’t act maturely or took the highroad
>Twilight doesn’t really know you, but that doesn’t matter
>You were still fired up
>Still wearing the casual clothes from yesterday, you stripped down and changed into shorts and a tee-shirt
>You need to go on a run

>The morning chill always did wonders to get you feeling alive
>The town still not ready to go outside is the only time you feel comfortable huffing and puffing from your jog
>Still working on a plan for Rainbow Dash
>You pass the fountain in the middle of town and run down the cobblestone path
>To be honest, you don’t really know much about the elements of harmony
>They made an untouchable clique that seems too tight to ever approach
>So you only ever been able to interact with them during your routines
>But out of them all Rainbow Dash was the one who always took the bait
>Ahhh ever the dick you’ve been, never has someone been so easy rile up
>Makes you feel something
>But now putting that in perspective of now, she probably hates your guts
>Everybody walks away keeping their distance from her, but here you come pointing out her every weakness to her face
>>Dash, have you ever considered using a door?
>>Usually when I approach the ground, I try to land on my legs
>>Of course, we know you don’t get it. Twilight already knew you wouldn’t get it when she explained the first time.
>Maybe Twilight was right to say something, but holy hell, you were already going to do the right thing
>Fuck her if she thinks you weren’t already in the know, which you weren’t
>Argh, this is not the type of thinking you needed this morning
>You wanted to use this time to come up with a plan
>Ugh, what do girls like?
>Shopping?
>You look left and right at the various food stands and vanity shops
>Nope, not Rainbow Dash
>You might not know her close, but she’s pretty much an open book for surface discussions
>She’s your typical tomboy, she wouldn’t be interested
>Maybe adventure shit?
>Nah, too dangerous
>Don’t want to be rushed into the emergency room on a date from getting sniped by poisonous flower again
>Oh yeah, fuck the Everfree Forest
>Somebody ought to bulldoze that place and turn it all into a parking lot
>So that really limits on what you can do
>Ponyville suffers from the typical mid-America plight
>Nothing to fucking do
>Sure you’d find out about the sickest shit ever, AFTER you move, but right now
>Nothing
>So yeah, you’re going to have to improvise
>Start to slow down once you make it to the first of the flower girls glass gardens, signaling the end of town
>The suns a nice pinkish red lighting up all of Ponyville
>You can feel the heat of the rays on you now
>You turn back and walk with your hands on your head
>Maybe just get her a picnic
>Bitches love picnics
>Right?
>>”Jes vee yersoof mang”
>Shit, this is probably going to suck, but you don’t have all that many options
>You take a deep breath before you pop a squat and look at the sky
>Pretty nice shade of orange
>Would give a thumbs up
>But streaking across the sky, you catch the rainbow trail of a certain pony
>Yeah, it’s Applejack
>Goddamn you have a sarcasm problem
>Rainbow Dash must have seen you too, since her direction change to meet up with you
>She floats up infront of you and hovers
>She sniffs before wiping a leg across her eyes and nose
>”Hey, uh Anon.”
“Sup, Rainbow Dash. You okay? You still up for today?”
>”Yeah, I‘m good. Thanks. I’m sorry about yesterday, I-“
>Nope
>You are not going to spend all morning dealing with :feelings:
>Fuck that shit
“Yeah, I understand. So I guess if you’re cool, we should meet up in say, two hours at my place.”
>You can almost feel her squirm
>Of course this wasn’t going to be easy
>”Alright, sure thing. I’ll see you then I guess.”
“Cool see you then”
>She starts floating higher until she moves straight away
>Confidence before she left
>A cool 65 percent
>Cool as a cucumber
>Confidence after she left
>We /fug/ now
>Between this and your Twilight talks, you are internally curling up into a ball
>You start running heading back home at regular pace, before sprinting the last mile
>in a flash your behind the door in the solitude of your own home
>You let your legs give out and lie on the floor gasping for breath
>You are exhausted
>And not in a good way
>Your cheek gives varying degrees of not supporting you with each breath
>No this isn’t constructive
>You push yourself off the ground and grab a cup of water
>After hydrating up, you draw yourself a bath and feel for the heated water
>You strip and get in, soaking up the water
>More importantly, you feel your anxiety melt away
>Gotta be cool Anon
>Gotta stay cool
>You can’t help but focus on Rainbow Dash’s discomfort being around you
>It really is eating you alive
>But you have time to fix this
>Maybe even make a….
>Friend out of this
>>pfft
>You really want to scoff it off
>Just say whatever and say something witty
>But that’s not going to help you anymore
>This is actually your problem and you have to deal with it
>You can’t treat this like middle school drama
>To be honest looking back, this really does remind you of the past autist you
>You used to be a legit awkward kid
>Then you decided to just be mean about everything
>Wit is humor, so if you were witty enough, people wouldn’t stare so hard at you
>You stopped after highschool, but now looking back
>Ever since you came to Equestria you’ve been using it again
>…
>Your dwelling too hard about this
>If ever you think yourself to be another Sigmund Freud, you’re thinking too hard
>Next thing you know, you’ll be diagnosing your date with penis envy
>You get out and dry yourself off
>Looking through your limited wardrobe, you try to find something acceptable
>You pick out hangers and toss them as you become more aware of the severity of your lack of fashion awareness
>white cotton shirt and blue jeans
>white cotton shirt and brown jeans
>white cotton shirt and tan shorts
>white cotton shirt and blue shorts
>The black suit and tie are dirty from yesterday
>You sigh
>Yet you hold onto hope
>And hope has rewarded you
>At the very end of the tunnel was a tacky Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts
>You have the complete set, even with the lei and fanny pack
>>Bitches love the fanny pack mang. Dew eeeit!
>You smile
>Maybe another day, but can’t risk your shit taste to embarrass Dash
>You get outfitted with your best and admire yourself
>Nothing says “ready to slay pussy” like palm trees
>With a deep breath your hop into the kitchen and get ready for Rainbow Dash

>To say you were a little anxious would be an understatement
>This date with anon kept you up all night of what sort of humiliation he had in store
>What he said early still makes you nervous the date
>Your feathers feel uncomfortable
>You can’t get a read on this deliberate asshole
>You sigh before landing off onto the cobblestone streets and tip toe through the less populated alleys
>Being an element of Harmony makes it pretty hard to stay inconspicuous, but you’d like to think you wouldn’t draw any attention when you hopped into a bush
>You check for your goggles
>Snacks are secure in your saddlebags
>Your surveillance microphone and headset were ready to go
>It even comes with a variety of setting and dials
>Be Twilight Sparkle
>Princess of Friendship
>And you can’t help but ensure that rainbow has a good day
>Already you rescheduled your own charity date with Filthy Rich for later
>Right now you need to watch and make sure no fallout comes out of this
>You sit and wait just far enough to view Anon’s house
>You draw up a quick spell and 1, 2, 3, you’re practically invisible
>Now nopony should notice or interact with you while you’re on surveillance
>And here comes Rainbow Dash now
>You quickly put on your headset and turn up the microphone
>She flutters her wings and lands softly at the front door
> A quick glance to the pink flamingo on his front yard and then hesitantly knocks
>The door opens to reveal Anon wearing some gaudy shirt that looks like what Rarity’s dad wears all the time
>”Hey Rainbow. Ready to head out?”
>”Yeah sure anon”
>Poor girl’s can barely keep her voice from cracking
>”Alright, let’s head out. I got a place in mind where we should set up”
>He crouches and picks up some sort of black duffel bag
>>What’s. In. The bag~?
>You peek curiously and watch them walk out together down his yard only for Anon to abruptly stop and turn heel and run to his house
>He opens the door, dashes in, and disappears for little more than fifteen seconds before running back over to Rainbow Dash
>”Sorry, had to check if my oven was on”
>Huh?
>You look at the gauge on your equipment and set the dial on “bullshit”
>A flick of the needle wobbles around before landing on “Sincere honesty”
>Alright, so Anon’s got a couple quirks
>Aliens from another dimension tend to have those
>You’re for Celestia damn sure that’d he’d never have to do that stupid double checking if actually made a list
>Maybe you should send him your how to book on lists
>You can’t shill that shit hard enough in this town with how many friendship problems it would have solved
>They walk, or rather Anon walked and Rainbow Dash trailed just beside him letting him lead, in relative silence if you count rush hour traffic as silence
>Wordlessly, they traveled through the crowded market, with Anon checking repeatedly if Rainbow Dash was there
>You yourself moved from bush to mobile cloud coverage, with minimum exposure
>You stalked them to a clearing where the noise had started to die out
>You drifted listening intently for any interaction
>it’s only when the streets started to break into the green fields you hear something
>”So, Dash”
>Anon pauses to look at her from over his shoulder
>”Tell me, what’s up with you and the Wonderbolts?”
>”What do ya mean?”
>”I mean, I don’t hear much about you cept, elements of Harmony and Wonderbolts, and I ain’t exactly local here.”
>Rainbow Dash sighs
>Last thing she probably wants to do is give more ammo to Anon’s trolling
>”They’re a stunt fliers group in Canterlot. They’re the best fliers in all of Equestria, heck they’re even international.”
>Rainbow Dash’s voice starts getting into it
>A little bit of fire and- wait
>You spy through your binoculars
>Anon’s smiling and he only has two smiles
>Any variation of smug
>And hysteric fool
>And he ain’t holding onto his sides
>You check your bullshit detector
>*white lie*
>huh
>So it’s a loaded question
>Maybe to get Dash less on edge
>But why
>What’s the end game?
>This is why you need to be here
>”Stunt fliers eh? So, something like the Blue Angels, like they fly around in formation, do some barrel rolls.”
>”Exactly, it’s stunt flying, obstacle flying, and derby racing. And they’re the best. Simply the best. You need to be the fastest, most awesome flier in Equestria to get in?”
>”Huh. You sure do sound like a fan.”
>Anon, steps over and adjust the bag strap on his shoulder
>”Of course, it’s been my dream since I could remember.”
>”So what’s holding you here?”
>”What?”
>Uh oh
>”I mean, I’ve seen your stuff. And I’m no Wonderbolt recruiter, but I’ve seen you pull off some pretty bullshit stuff. Loopty loops and shit that shouldn’t be possible. Tight turns, high gee force, and you’ve survived your fair share of bad landings. Shouldn’t you be in by now?”
>Rainbow Dash deflates a bit and her wing beats are a bit slower lagging a bit between each flap
>”Yeah, well, they I keep mailing in my application, and I keep getting denied. Nothing really to it.”
>”Shit, sorry.”
>”Don’t be. It’s not that bad since I get to spend more time with my friends.”
>”Hey, believe me I understand”
>Rainbow raised an eyebrow
>”Really?
>”I said “believe me” didn’t I?”
>Rainbow Dash waited for a second, but Anon kept walking
>Cmon, what’s the reading
>*Sincere bitch*
>Oh, alright, so what’s going on?
>”Soo…? What happened?”
>”Ehhh, maybe another time”
>”Oh c’mon, you can’t do that!”
>”Of course I can, I think I will do just that”
>Rainbow Dash crosses her hoofs as she hovers beside him
>”Ugh, alright. I didn’t even want to know in the first place”
>Anon gives that smug grin
>”Great, cause I ain’t ever telling”
>The grass beside the road started to break out from being patches of lawn to large meadows with a tall tree line to one side and large grassy plain fields on the other
>Anon decided to break off the path and march into the field, carrying with him his giant bag
>The yellow grass made a resounding crunch with each step
>No longer was the air a mixture of smells from sweet baked goods and funky smelling ponies
>Now the air smelled of wild grass and hay
>With no signal, Anon dropped the duffel bag non chaulantly and kneeled over to open it
>”I know this is probably incredibly lame, but I thought maybe we could have a picnic. I’m not a huge picnic guy, but I thought it’d be nice.”
>Rainbow Dash landed as Anon digged up a blanket
>”You’re right”
>Anon stopped to look back at Dash
>”This is incredibly lame”
>Anon gives a wide smile and snickers
>It doesn’t take long, but rainbow Dash starts to laugh with him
>”But I appreciate it”


>Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich
>Potato chips
>Applejuice
>Huh
>For some reason you were expecting him to open out some sort of dead lamb body or something
>He is a carnivore, so you suspected he’d do something gross and obscene like he usually does when he’s eating in public
>You’ve heard he yells for hamburgers and makes demands that Applejack sells her heard of cows as if they were livestock
>Which they aren’t
>They may be behind a fence and kept in line with dogs, but that’s a lifestyle choice that we are obliging to for their sake
>You ignore the more lively rumors about him that perhaps he himself spread, but now it seems like is taking the conservative route here
>You idly munch on some bagged carrot strips your brought with you
>Rainbow and anon sat on the blanket, every movement still making the grass crunch under their them
>After finishing his meal, Anon falls on his back
>Rainbow Dash was picking out the last bit of fried potatoes before she looked over
>Unlike the comfortable silence that persisted while they ate, this one felt awkward
>With a sigh Anon picked himself up in one swoop
>”So, wanna play catch?”
>Huh
>”Huh?”
>”Yeah, you, me throw hoofball to each other.”
>”I don’t know. I don’t think that’s how a normal date goes”
>”Yeah well then educate me, Ms. Date Expert.”
>Rainbow Dash started blushing and turned away
>”I don’t know. I don’t go on dates all that much”
>”Great, that makes two of us. And if we want to play hoofball, great, who’s going to judge us?”
>You grimace and rub your neck
>You now feel a bit grimey for peeking in on what should be a private thing
>”I guess you’re right-“
>”Of course I’m right, now come on”
>Anon gets up and rummages through his bag, before producing a… well it some sort of ball
>”What is that?”
>Dash pointed at the pointed egg thing with white ribbed marks on it’s side
>”Ohhhh, so hoofball here is soccer…”
>Anon scratched his head
>”I kinda overheard you ponies talking about it and just made an assumption. I even asked to get this custom made since I couldn’t find any in stores, so I guess I now get why I was getting some odd looks”
>He shakes his head
>”Doesn’t matter, tossing a ball is still just tossing a ball.”
>Dash look skeptical as you are, but she gets up and rolls with it
>Anon stands up and walks out onto the field while Rainbow flies above him
>”Move back a bit and I’ll toss it to ya”
>”Alright”
>She flies back a little
>Anon arcs his hand and lobs it over to Rainbow Dash, who barely catches after a couple rebound
>”Why would make a ball like this? Whose great idea was it to make a ball you can’t catch?”
>”A true American genius. Now toss it back”
>Rainbow Dash looks back down at anon and mimics his throwing form with a sloppy slant to it
>It fell just infront of him and spiked back up to hit him on the nose
>”pffft”
>A snortal from rainbow Dash echoed, but soon Anon joined her
>”Yup. That happens?”
>”Really?”
>”Yeah really, that stupid bouncing is one of the reasons this game stays exciting”
>”Okay, let’s keep going”
>You looked a bit more intently on how anon’s entire body contorting with how he’s chucking the ball
>All of his stance gave more power to this flinging
>You hastily grab a notebook from your bag and write feverishly away, with breaking eye sight
>”So Dash? If you ain’t getting picked up by the Wonderbolts what are you doing”
>Anon catches the ball after crouching for it
>”What are you talking about? I am the ponyville weather captain”
>”Yeah, yeah, but where’s that all leading?”
>Anon takes a step back bofore throwing it forward
>”Like I know you save the world on the weekends, but what else is going on?”
>”As awesome as I am, I don’t actually save the world every weekend”
>”Okay, I stand corrected. Every ‘other’ weekend”
>Rainbow Dash giggles a bit
>She hovers in the air with the ball in her hooves
>’Yeah, yeah”
>She blows air from the side of hert mouth
>”I don’t know. I’m kinda fine with being weather mare, hanging out with my friends, and ordering pizza on the weekends”
>”Right on. Nothing wrong with that. In fact it sounds pretty comfy to me”
>”I don’t know bout comfy, but I think I’m living the perfect lifestyle, heck, Twilight should take a couple notes from me”
>You snort and shove more carrot sticks in your mouth
>Pffttt, I’m only writing it down, because I need a thurough log of how everything is transpiring
>”So how bout you Anon?”
>”Collecting checks in the mail, a little bit of home improvement, but otherwise I got no plans”
>”You sure bout that, cause you really aren’t doing much anyways”
>Anon caught a throw paused
>Then he gave an unenthusiastic sigh
>”Yeah”
>He moved his cheek a bit before shaking it off
>Whatever “it” was
>Then he pointed off to the right of Rainbow Dash before tossing it back
>Rainbow Dash moved a bit and caught it with relative ease this time around
>They went back and forth between them
>A little bit of aiming away and challenging the other to catch it in time
>Soon a comfortable pace was held
>But it gave way when Rainbow Dash asked, “So…”
>”So?”
>”So how was your planet like, while you were on it?”
>”Pretty meh. Nothing to really brag about except the meat”
>”Ehh, I guess it might be harder on you. Had a friend who ate meat all the time”
>”Really, she know a way to hook me up”
>”Not anywhere in Equestria”
>”Bummer”
>”Yeah, she’d go on and on about how lame it was”
>”It is pretty lame”
>”Yeah, but she lived. But she did invite me to her house once and I ate dinner with em”
>Anon tossed the ball back to Rainbow Dash
>”Yeah and?”
>”Chicken is not bad”
>”So you can get chicken around here?”
>”Not from Fluttershy”
>”Figured, it was already a pain in the ass to get the eggs from her”
>”Still though, it’s not as disgusting as most ponies make it out to be”
>”I mean, it’d be kinda weird for me to see you eat something that once had fathers.”
>”Well, maybe I would be, but I’ve been on fluttershy’s nature hikes enough to see how brutal it is out there and birds eating other birds has sorta…. something me a bit.”
>Rainbow Dash wound up in a circle before launching a comet towards Anon
>Anon not even going to try and intercept it just moves to the side and watch the ball jump wildly into the air after the first couple bounces
>After letting it settle down, Anon scoops up the ball and looks back at Rainbow
>”You sure are bringing you’re a game today”
>”Ha, think I’d go easy on you, on a date?”
>”Uh, yeah?”
>”Well you didn’t get just any mare for the day, you got Rainbow “Danger” Dash, and always put my all into it”
>”Well you’re on then. Gimme a sec before we go”
>You see Anon stopping to do some odd movements
>They look like stretches and it’d great to see them up close, but you don’t want to risk anything going wrong with your Wallflower spell
>For now you’ll have to dream up of how his muscles fit together
>Rainbow Dash didn’t do much cept trot in place to keep herself hyped up
>Anon got up and clapped the ball in his hand
>Now he looked serous

----

>Cuts, bruises and grass stain littered across Anon’s arms and legs
>Rainbow Dash was untouched by the wear and tear the sport, but she looked gassed
>There was no grass or dirt for her to dive on, no rocks to trip her up, no ricochet from the ball hitting back, no
>But to her credit she had to chase the ball across the sky to keep up
>And together they laid down side by side on the grass with only a foot separating them as they gasped for breath
>”So that’s your human version of hoofball?”
>”Not at all, but I think we covered a bit of the important stuff. Throw the ball, catch the ball”
>Rainbow Dash lightly punches Anon’s shoulder
>”Don’t make it sound so easy”
>”Ahh, cmon, it surely wasn’t that hard on you. All you had to do was fly after the ball”
>”And avoid the ball. Those were pretty killer throws”
>”Yeah, and you weren’t holding yourself back either”
>Rainbow Dash breathed easy, taking the pause to collect herself
>”…This was fun”
>”It was. Though next time I’m bringing knee pads. Maybe some elbow pads. Gloves too… and a helmet”
>”Oh, come on, don’t be such a filly.”
>”I’m not”
>Anon held up his hands in protest
>”I got to think about my own protection, since some pegasus I know likes to send meteors my way”
>The astronomer in you is triggered right now
>”I said I wasn’t holding back”
>”Yeah, and I wasn’t either”
>Anon lied there and put his hands behind his head
>Again the silence resumed settling down over
>”Anon?”
>”Hmm?”
>”… never mind…”
>It started a slight chuckle
>But then Anon erupted with hearty laughter
>Rainbow Dash looked shocked, almost offended, “What!?”
>He looked at her wiping a tear from his eye
>”Oh, it’s nothing, just that. I thought to myself, that’s such a… cute thing to say”
>Rainbow Dash turned away blushing
>”Shut up”
>Anon chuckled before exhaling
>”Alright, so what’s on your mind?”
>Rainbow Dash looked guilty and waving Anon off
>”It’s nothing, honest”
>”Dash, I practically have a PhD. in bullshit. What’s eating you?”
>Rainbow Dash sighed, feeling cornered
>” Anon, why did you use to be so mean to me, and then treat me so nicely now?”
>You couldn’t see anything noticeable change
>You couldn’t hear anything noticeable change
>But even you could feel the glass shattering effect in your heart
>You start coughing up carrot chunks
>Lucky your spell stopped noises too
>Anon was slow to respond
>”Well… it’s just my nature.”
>This got a rise out of the Pegasus
>”Your ‘nature?’”
>Anon wiped the outside of his teeth with his tongue
>”Yeah. Just how I am.”
>”And how is that?”
>”I just… it’s complicated… I don’t want to delve too much into this now-“
>”No, I need an answer now”
>Anon wipes the back of his head
>”It’s… that’s just how I am.”
>”’Just who you are’? You harass me every single time I see you and then on whim you flip and that’s ‘just how you are’? Is this some sick joke to you”
>Anon looked deep into Rainbow Dash’s teary eyes
>He sat still silent, incapable of producing a good answer
>He closed his eyes and shrugged
>”That’s just how it happens”
>The gauge on your lie detector automatically shifted
>*hot and spicy bullshit*
>Rainbow Dash looked at you with a fierce intensity
>He wasn’t fazed at all and watched with kept half lid eyes
>She looked at him in disbelief
>”You are impossible”
>Before you knew it, she broke away and sped a lightning fast pace
>Anon just sighed and fell back onto the lonely blanket beneath him
>He wiped a hand from his forehead down and off his chin
>with a lazy roll, he reaches over for his duffel bag and unzips the side pocket
>In one hand he held small, beat up, white box and some matches
>After he opens the box you realize it’s full of death sticks
>They came from his world and he called them cigarettes but after hearing him talk about it once, it’s more accurate to just call them death sticks
>With practiced ease he lit one up
>You shook your head
>What an enigma
>”You should probably go Twilight.”
>You heart skips a beat
>”Rainbow Dash sure could use a friend more than I”
>You furrow your brow
“What could possibly give me away?”
>”Usually clouds don’t spit carrots chunks on my back”
>You facehoof
>After looking at him puff out smoke, you see the discontentment on his face
“Why’d you lie?”
>Anon continued to look off
>”Rainbow Dash doesn’t deserve my baggage, or my excuses.”
>You’re tempted to look at your lie detector, but you pack it away quickly without peeking at it
“I’m not done with you”
>”Of course. And I still have four cigs left, so I’ll be ready.”
>Wild clouds loom over the horizon
>After taking one last look at Anon’s form, you rush off to find Rainbow Dash

><><><><><><><><><><><><><
>”Alright boys what do you got”
>You swing open the barn doors with all the grandiose you can muster with your shit mood lingering over you
>You saunter over to the table where Big Mac, Thunderlane, and Butterscotch all gathered around
>Big Mac is the first to notice you and nods
>Butterscotch smiles when he sees you
>”So how was the big date with Ponyville’s finest?”
>Thunderlane nearly stood on the table
>”Yeah, did you fuck her?”
>You take a seat and took a deep breath
“My dad has a quote for times like these”
>Be Anon in Equestria
“Woman are bitches…“
>Thunderlane nearly falls over bawling
>You feel like shit and probably only going to get worse
“But…”
>Thunderlane calms down enough to hear you
>Big Mac and Butterscotch lean in
“-you can’t say men don’t deserve it”
>”Hear, hear!”
>Big Mac nods
>”Eyyup”
>He gets up and moves to the back of the barn dusts off hay from over a barrel reveal a secret tap of cider
>You smile just a bit
“God will surely welcome you to the gates of heaven Big Mac”
>Thunderlane looks in awe
>”Really, you’re gonna break out the good stuff tonight?”
>”Eyyup”
>Butterscotch starts pouring out drinks and somehow manages to balance four mugs on his back and head
>You take one and lift it up
“A toast”
>Your friend each lift a drink with you
“To all the poor, lonely, miserable bastards of the world”