Rainbro there are way too many

>Walkin' around town for no good reason.
>Fuck off, it's a free country.  You can take a walk if you want.
>Might be time to get something to eat.  You skipped breakfast this morning.
>You look around and realize you NEVER go out to eat around here.
>With nothing to go on, you pick a place at random.
>Sit down, waitress hands you a menu.
>Alright, some of this actually looks pretty good.  At first you were super pissed off that you couldn't have delicious meat any more, but you got over it.
>You barely even miss beef or anything.  Except bacon, of course.
>FUCK what you wouldn't give for some bacon.
>What are those loud wet sloppy noises coming from the next booth over?
>Ah, two young punks who are so into making out you could probably steal their food and they wouldn't notice.
>The filly looks familiar, but you can't place her.  Her big stupid bow is in the way, so you can't really see the colt.
>Right, hungry.  Pick some food.  The latest gossip about who's making out with who doesn't interest you.
>God, how long has it been since YOU got to make out?  You'd been single for half a year before you wound up in Equestria, and you're losing track of how long you've been here...
>Fuckin' whatever.  Food.  Pick.
>You flag the waitress down and she takes your order and trots off.
>"THERE HE IS!"
>Bwuh?
>Two ponies come charging at you, looking real happy to see you.
>Fans?
>Your... uniqueness... is apparently a reasonable draw.  It's not unheard of for ponies to come to Ponyville just to meet the human.
>You usually don't mind.

>Your fans for the day are two pegasai.  One of 'em looks familiar.
>You idly wonder why so many ponies 'look familiar' even though you can't positively identify them.  Do all ponies look the same to you?  Do you only THINK you recognize them?  Or maybe a bunch of ponies really do look identical.  There are only so many color combinations...
>No, that's stupid.  They're not all two-toned.  You've got cases like Dash.
>Oh shit - you DO recognize one of these ones!
>The one on the left is one of the Wonderbolts.  You agree they're pretty awesome, but you're not quite as obsessed as your bro is.  You don't have all of them memorized.
>But you're positive about it.  That pony right there is totally a Wonderbolt.
>Aw man, your bro would FLIP.  HER.  SHIT.  If you got her an autograph.
>Just play it cool and give these guys what they want.  Stay on their good side.
>"'Sup?"
>"You're Anon!"
>"Yeah, that's what they call me.  Anything in particular I can do for you?"
>The one you don't know holds up a camera and grins.
>"Sure, why not?"
>The two of them brohoof.
>One of them takes a picture of his bro with you, and then they swap.
>You narrow your eyes and rub your chin.
>"Say, aren't you a Wonderbolt?"
>"Who, me?"
>"Yeah.  Your face is familiar."
>"Well, yeah.  Name's Soarin'."
>"Right, right.  Hey, could you do me a little favor real quick?"
>"Sure!"
>"Could you sign..."
>You feel a light panic as you realize you've got nothing for him to sign.
>You grab a napkin.
>"This?"
>"Sure.  Just, 'To Anon' or what?"
>"Oh it's not for me.  No offense.  It's for my best bro Dash."

>His eyes widen just a little.
>"No kiddin'?"
>"She's a pretty big fan of you guys."
>He gulps nervously.
>"Say, since we're trading favors anyway... y'know, you with the pictures and then me with the autograph... could you maybe... could you do one more thing for me?"
>Now you're interested.  Before he was excited.  Now he's jittery.
>"Could you maybe hook a brother up?"
>You cock an eyebrow.
>"You and Dash are tight, yeah?  Maybe you... put in a good word for me?"
>You push as hard as you can and manage to cock your eyebrow an inch more.
>His buddy leans in like he's going to whisper something to you.
>"HE WANTS TO FUCK HER!"
>Soarin' clamps a hoof over the guy's mouth and gives him a good punch to the gut.
>He falls down.
>"...worth it."
>Well alright.  This is... this is actually probably really great.  The whole time you've been here, your poor bro has been just as single as you.  And now you get to hook her up with one of her idols.
>Fuck yeah.  You are the BEST bro.

>That night you and Dash are watchin' shitty movies, as usual.
>You told Soarin' that you'd have her meet him tomorrow for their date, but you haven't told her yet.
>You decided it'd be awesome to spring it on her as a surprise, but you haven't come up with anything clever yet.
>You're not getting any more sober, and the likelihood of a stroke of genius is rapidly decreasing.
>Fuck it.  Just hint at it and let her know where she needs to be.
>"So hey, bro, there's a... I got... tomorrow is a, um..."
>She's watching you with a weird look on her face.
>"Goddamnit, this was supposed to be a thing... I tried to plan something."
>"Anon?"
>"I just... I wanted to surprise you, but words are fuckin' hard."
>Her breathing gets a little more shallow.
>"Surprise me with what?"
>And to think you were actually considering a career in writing, once.
>You scribble down the time and address where she's supposed to meet her date and hand her the paper.
>"Be there.  You... you won't be disappointed.  If I know you half as well as I think I do, it'll be a dream come true.  You've been waiting a long time."
>She looks confused, but puts on a hopeful smile.
>Damn you're bad at this.  Give her some kind of clue you twat.
>"Look, ever since I got here, I don't think I've ever seen you on a date.  Being alone that long can suck.  Believe me, I know.  I'm... I'm in the same boat."
>Now she's blushing.  Thinking about all the potential studs you might've lined up for her?  Trying to guess who it could be?
>And you got her a WONDERBOLT.  Fuck yeah.  You are the BEST bro.

>Tomorrow you hang with Pinkie.  Your bro will be busy, and with any luck, BUSY, all day, so you needed something to do.
>Pinkie's pretty cool, you guess.  She's got a lot of random and interesting talents, and she's pretty damn funny.  Yeah, she's alright.
>The two of you are dicking around in her kitchen, fucking up recipes left and right.  Mostly you, actually.  She's letting you call the shots because it'll 'be more interesting that way' or something.
>That was probably the worst decision of her life.
>Long story short, she's got a broken leg, you've got a cracked rib, Mr. and Mrs. Cake need to remodel both of their bathrooms, and neither of you are allowed within ten miles of Hoofington ever again.
>No, you didn't leave the kitchen.
>No, you're not sure what the fuck just happened, but you're damn sure you don't want to talk about it.
>OH GOD THE CINAMMON.  WHY WAS THERE SO MUCH CINAMMON?
>Right.  Suppressing that memory, you decide to call it a night and head back to your place.
>It's pretty early, but you've never really had much fun drinking alone and you don't wanna bother your bro.  Bros before hoes and all, but there's a LIMIT, y'know?  She's had a MASSIVE dry spell.
>You can only imagine the blueballs.
>Wait, no.  That's wrong.  That's like... double wrong.  You don't need to imagine, 'cuz you're there too.
>And your bro is a chick.  She doesn't have balls.  What's the equivalent of blueballs for ladies?
>Whatever it is, it had to be pretty fuckin' blue until today.  Especially given that Dash is ACTUALLY blue.

>Stupid things coincidentally line up in the most convenient (or inconvenient) way ALL THE FUCKING TIME around here.  Sometimes, you swear someone's manipulating the whole world.
>Guess what?
>Your bro just happened to be lying against a tree that just happened to be on your way back and you just happened to be looking the right direction to notice.
>Shit was pretty dark, but the angle of the moon or some fuckin' shit was just right so you could recognize her.
>Miracles.

>She's... alone though.  That can't be good.  You walk over.
>"You okay?"
>She bolts up, startled by your voice.
>"Oh... h-hey Anon.  What are you doing out here?"
>She takes a step back.
>"Just headed home.  Had an... interesting day at Pinkie's.  I don't see your date.  Did it... not go well?"
>"It was f-fine."
>Her voice is cracking a little.
>"So why are you out here alone?"
>"I, um... he and I... didn't want the same thing."
>You sit silent for a minute, contemplating what she might've meant.
>"What, like anal?"
>"N-no!"
>She's blushing bright enough that you could probably see it from the main road.
>Huh... you wouldn't have guessed she was into that.
>"A-anon?"
>"Yeah?"
>"Why... did you set me up with him?"
>"It was actually his idea.  I was just gonna get you his autograph."
>"Really?"
>"Yeah.  I dunno, I guess you're pretty hot stuff.  Oh, shit, the autograph.  I've still got it.  It's on a napkin, though.  Hope that's okay.  You uh... you want it, right?"
>Her blush fades and is replaced with a more standard enthusiasm.
>Your bro seems fairly content.  So okay, the setup wasn't perfect and your bro still needs to get laid, but at least you're not a complete fuckup.  You got her the autograph.
>"It's back at my place.  Hell, it's still a little on the early side.  Wanna get shitfaced?"

>Somehow or other, the list of priorities gets skewed and you both dive straight for the booze.
>The autograph sits on a dresser in your bedroom while the two of you down shot after shot and talk about whatever.  Stuff and junk.
>"So, Anon... you uh... you got any other plans to hook me up?"
>Aw man, now you're down.  Tonight was starting to pick back up, and you had to be reminded that you failed your bro.  Worse than that, you got her hopes up and THEN failed her.
>AND you don't have any kind of backup plan.
>"No... not really."
>She frowns.
>"You... you sure?  None at all?  You don't know any other... eligible bachelors?"
>You snicker.  'Eligible bachelors', when did she turn into Twilight?  What is she, a thesaurus or something?
>She stomps a hoof.
>"Hey!  It's not that funny!  You're alone, too, you know!"
>Oof.
>"Low blow, bro.  That's not what I'm chuckling about."
>"Oh... sorry.  I guess maybe... I'm just more upset about today than I thought I was."
>"It's cool.  I'm sorry, too.  I'm the one who set you up with him without actually checking him out first.  He coulda been a furry or something."
>"A what?"
>"Nevermind.  Point is, you need to get a dick in you."
>Her wings shoot straight up and she stares at the ground.
>"...You... You ARE straight right?"
>She nods without lifting her gaze.
>"Good.  I'd feel like a total ass if I was setting you up with the wrong ponies."
>She winces a little.
>"You shouldn't go out of your way to get ME laid when you're no better off, Anon.  You deserve to find somepo... someone just as much."
>You sit up straight.
>"Hey, I've got a crazy idea."

>She's staring at you.  Something is really weird about her eyes right now.
>"How crazy?"
>"Well for starters, it involves Pinkie.  So there's that."
>"What, are we gonna drug some cupcakes or something and have our way with the bodies?"
>"What?  NO.  Where would you even... where do you GET an idea that fucked up?  Besides, wouldn't they taste it?"
>"You could probably cover it up with a bunch of cinnamon or something."
>Your pupils shrink to pinpricks.  This must be what Vietnam flashbacks are like.
>Those poor foals.
>And that dragon!
>OH GOD THE HONKING MAKE IT STOP
>Dash grabs you by the shoulders and shakes you.
>You snap out of it.
>"Uh... sorry.  What was I saying?"
>"Crazy idea."
>"Yeah, right.  Okay, so tomorrow we go to Pinkie's."
>"Okay, and then?"
>"We have her set up a BIIIG party."
>"Not following you, but continue."
>"But it's no ordinary party.  It's a... shit, there's probably a word for it... it's the thing."
>"That's GENIUS."
>"Oh shut up.  I just... okay look, all the ponies who show up are single.  And then there are little events, and everybody mingles and gets to know eachother.  All the singles mix it up."
>You slap a palm up to your face.  Singles mixer.  Shut up, words are hard.
>Dash has a faraway look in her eyes.  Like she's thinking about something real hard.
>"And what about you?"
>"What ABOUT me?"
>"Do you...?"
>"Well I don't know what you thought I was gonna do, but since I'm gonna be living here for as long as anyone can tell I'd probably better find a way to get some myself."

>As expected, Pinkie was more than willing to put together a nice party.
>She even threw herself into the ring.  You thought she already had a boyfriend.  Rocky or something.
>You're out on the dance floor, trying to figure out if you look more or less retarded than the ponies.  Their moves are really weird, but you're sure yours are just as foreign to them.
>It felt a little awkward at first, putting yourself out there romantically with nothing but ponies around, but nobody's going to judge you here.  Interspecies couples are only slightly unusual here, and generally pretty well accepted.  Besides, can it really be wrong for two mentally sound adults to be together?
>You've gotten REAL good at rationalizing this so you don't feel like a horse-fucking freak.
>You sick bastard, you.
>Pinkie keeps chatting up unicorns and making... interesting gestures while pointing at their horns.  Good luck with that.
>Dash is around here somewhere.  You keep getting short glimpses of her as she's moving from one place to another, but you never see her stopping and hanging with anyone.  You hope it's just bad timing and she's having some fun.
>You've talked to quite a few mares that you THINK are probably attractive, but you can't really tell.  Evaluating horses sexually is a new experience for you.
>One of 'em seemed pretty cool.  What was her name?  Mary Scrunch?  You don't remember.  She started smiling any time you mentioned alcohol.
>You wobble on over to the punch bowl.
>What, you didn't think the punch was spiked?  Of COURSE it was.  Everyone's a little wobbly.
>Oh, here comes your bro.
>"Hey Anon, any luck?"
>You shrug.
>"I dunno.  I guess there's nothing really WRONG with any of these ponies, but I'm just not... hitting it off.  Like, a couple of times I thought about just heading home."

>She puts a hoof on your shoulder.
>"Aw, don't do that.  I'm sure you'll find somep0ny.  You just gotta keep looking."
>You smile at her.
>"Thanks.  I'm gonna go back out there."
>You turn to walk away, but she gives your shoulder a slight tug with her hoof.  She still hasn't let go.
>"Hm?"
>She looks away for a second.
>God, you know what you almost did?  Your bro here was trying to cheer you up and make sure you have a good time, and you didn't even ASK if she was doing any better.
>"Hey... have you th-"
>"You have any... oh, sorry.  Didn't mean to interrupt.  You first, Dash."
>"Nah, it's... not important.  What were you gonna ask?"
>"I was just wondering if your luck was any better than mine."
>"Oh.  Uh... not really.  Same story as you, I guess.  Most of these guys are just... lame.  They're missing something, y'know?"
>You nod.
>Her eyes start sliding around the room.
>"How many ponies do you think there are here?"
>"I dunno.  We could always ask-"
>Suddenly Pinkie's right next to the two of you.
>"About forty mares and twenty stallions.  And you, Anon."
>You frown in Dash's direction and turn back to Pinkie.
>"Were there not any more stallions around?"
>"Don't worry about it.  Tonight, everypo...everyone is going to leave here happy."
>"Are you sure about that?"
>"I'm as sure as you were that one more teaspoon of cinnamon wouldn't hurt."
>You shudder.
>"That doesn't inspire much confidence.
>"Well it SHOULD.  You were totally positive!"

>After another unsuccessful round, you end up meeting Dash by the punch again.
>"I know parties are Pinkie's thing and all, but I'm having doubts about this."
>Dash frowns.
>"I mean don't get me wrong, the party's great.  It's just... I've talked to almost every mare here, and I'm sure you're pretty close to running out of stallions by now.
>She nods.
>"Yeah, I've got like two targets left.  But you've still got some options.  Look around.  Think about it.  I'm sure there's at least one-"
>She gulps.
>"...worthwhile mare left here."
>You shake your head.
>"Maybe we should leave now?  Pinkie said everyone was going to leave happy, and if we try EVERY p0ny here and nothing works, we're definitely gonna feel like shit.  We could just quit now and keep some hope alive."
>You don't notice the blush she hides behind the cup of punch.
>"Alright.  I guess... I guess the two of us could just go back to your place?"
>"Yeah, that sounds good."
>The two of you turn and start heading out.
>Dash is quieter than usual.
>"How drunk are you, Anon?"
>"Not enough.  Step 1, we go drink everything I've got left."
>She gives a tiny nod.
>"Step 2, we do... whatever, I don't even know."
>She doesn't say anything.
>"Step 3, tomorrow we forget all about this crap."
>Her head hangs a few inches lower.  She stops making eye contact.
>Yeah, you said it with an upbeat voice, but you understand.
>You feel like shit about it too.

>The two of you are quietly drowning your livers.
>Shit sucks, bro.
>You regret every suggesting that stupid party.  It was... it was stupid is what it was.
>Yeah, it sucks that Dash is forever alone, but that shouldn't be too hard to fix.  With your newfound ability to rate horse sexiness, you're like 75% sure she's hot.
>And really, how fucked up do you have to be to be considering putting your dick in a horse?  You should just be grateful you've got your bro.
>The best course of action is to drink SO much that you can't remember today at all, and then keep doing like you were doing, hanging with your bro.
>Maybe once in a while send a dude her way if he seems cool enough.
>You'd like it if at least ONE of you could be happy.
>NO.  Stop that.  You were happy a few days ago, weren't you?
>You don't need somepo...someBODY to be happy.  You just need booze and bros, right?
>Speaking of, the bottle is empty.  You get up to fetch more and stop to see if your bro needs anything.
>You look at her and point at the bottle, raising one eyebrow while you do so.
>"Nah.  I'm... I've had enough."
>"Yeah?"
>"Yeah.  Listen, I... you know, maybe there was somepony you overlooked.  There were like FORTY mares."
>She can tell you're down about this whole thing.  She's trying to cheer you up.  What a bro.
>Still, you left early on purpose.
>"I guess there were still a few, but didn't we go over that?  Like, it would feel so much worse if I DID try all of them and nothing worked."
>She stands up.
>"That's... that's a stupid attitude to have.  That's a quitter, no, a loser attitude.  Oh, I'll feel so much worse if I actually lose the race, so I'd better not try!  You gotta... you need to..."

>"I need to what?  Trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insane.  Those ponies weren't for me.  It's that simple."
>"Then go for a DIFFERENT one!  Quit sitting here feeling sorry for yourself!  Figure out what you want and go after it!"
>"I don't see you going after any stallions!"
>She groans in frustration and tackles you.  She has you pinned to the floor.
>"Come on, Anon.  You're better than this!  If those mares are lame, GO FIND A BETTER MARE."
>"And where am I gonna do that?"
>She punches a hoof into the floor, just a smidge to the left of your head.
>"Why are you so LAME about this?  What happened to the kickass Anon I fell in love with?"
>She punches the same hoof into the same spot on the floor, leaving a pretty good dent.
>"Why are you so useless and blind when it matters most?"
>Another punch.
>Wait, what did she say a second ago?
>"Why do you have to be incapable of helping me out the one time I really need it?"
>Whoa whoa, what now?  When did you... wait, no what was the thing she said before?
>Something wet lands on your face.
>Is she... crying?
>You reach up to put a hand on her shoulder, but as you do she closes her eyes and turns her head to the side.
>Her muzzle is in your hand.
>Neither of you move for a minute.
>She opens her eyes and looks at you, but doesn't turn her head.
>For some reason you're not sure of, you brush your thumb lightly against her.
>"Dash, is there something you're not telling me?"

>She pulls her head away from you and goes for one more punch.
>She hits you square in the jaw and you pass out.
>The next thing you know, you're waking up at noon on your floor with a splitting headache.
>You pull yourself to your feet and stumble into your kitchen.
>There's something on the counter.

>Anon, I'm sorry about last night.  It wasn't right of me keep insisting on something you didn't want, and it was out of line for me to hit you like that.  I'm leaving town.  I'm finally going to go join the Wonderbolts.  Flying with them is the only thing I've ever really wanted.

>The last sentence looks like someone spilled a few drops of liquid on it.
>Actually, the whole thing looks odd.
>It's not regular paper, and you think you can make out some writing on the other side.
>Your head is killing you.
>You flip it over.
>It's the napkin.
>Right there, as clear as day, is Soarin's autograph.

>Now hold on ONE GODDAMN SECOND.  You may be stupid.  You may be a total asshole.  But you're not COMPLETELY retarded.

>If the Wonderbolts are the 'only thing she's ever really wanted', then WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE LEAVE THE AUTOGRAPH BEHIND?

>You ignore your headache and bolt out the door.

>You get close to her house, but see her already flying off.  She's wearing the uniform.
>You turn and try to follow her on the ground, but come on.  You can't keep up with Rainbow Fucking Dash.
>You know what?  Fuck it.  If you're gonna be forever alone AND bro-less, you might as well live dangerously.
>Maybe it's just the headache talking, but you swear this is the smartest day of your life.  You know EXACTLY how to catch Dash.
>You veer off course and make a mad sprint for Pinkie's.
>You burst in through the front door and sweep your eyes across the room.  She's not in the front.
>You make for the staircase, but stop.
>Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?
>There's a four foot high pile of cinnamon blocking the staircase.
>That doesn't even... who would... WHY?

>Fuck it.  FUCK IT.  You know what?  FUCK YOU CINNAMON!
>You charge through it.  It explodes into a dense cloud of suffering.
>Your eyes sting and your throat burns, but you keep moving.
>You reach the top of the stairs and start calling out for Pinkie, hacking and coughing between each breath.
>"Anon?  Oh what EVER are you doing here?  For what possible reason would you confront your fears and come seeking my party cannon?"
>"I need your, wait what?"
>"Oops, did I say that part too early?"
>You ignore it.  Pinkie's a whole other level of insane that you just don't have time for now.
>"Yes.  Cannon.  Now."
>She smiles a WIIIIIDE smile and points into her bedroom.
>You take a few steps before noticing the cannon already sitting just in front of the window and pointing up into the sky.
>You briefly wonder why Pinkie was never your bro.

>THIS IS THE STUPIDEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.
>If you live through this, you're NEVER going to try for any shortcuts.  If you can't run there in time, you're not going.
>This is suicide.  There's absolutely no way this can work.  Dash is a moving target, and, and... you don't know, something about wind resistance and cross breezes!  The point is it's impossible and you're going to die and you're an idiot.
>There she is.  Probably.  Hard to tell from this distance when she's wearing the uniform.
>Her rainbow mane flaps in the wind.
>Well, shit.  Maybe it's not impossible.  Maybe Pinkie's aim was absolutely perfect and you're going to ram right into her.
>Still doesn't do anything to fix the part where you're going to die because you're way too high up and moving way too fast.
>"DASH!"
>You're yelling at the top of your lungs, but you're not sure it's enough.  You can barely hear yourself up here.
>"DAAAAAAASH!"
>Her head swivels a little.  She heard!  She heard you, and now she's looking for the source of the noise.
>She spots you.
>Your heart stops for a moment.  This is it.  Your last few minutes.  You'd better yell very loud and very important things.
>You draw a blank.  You're too distracted to say anything.  You're having a textbook example of an epiphany.  All the pieces are falling into place and you're realizing EXACTLY how dumb of a piece of shit you've been all this time.
>Seriously?  How the fuck could you not have picked up on any of the signs?
>And then SHE FUCKING TOLD YOU!  SHE SAID LOVE!  HOW IN THE NAME OF BACON DID YOU MISS THAT?

>And how are you now on the ground, seemingly safe and sound?
>Dash is standing in front of you, breathing heavily.
>"But I... you...cannon... falling?"
>She points at the uniform.
>"Wonderbolt material, remember?  Now this had BETTER be important."

>"Okay, first off?  Badass.  I don't think I've told you lately how awesome you are.  Second, don't pull something this stupid again.  Third, don't let ME pull something THAT stupid again."
>She taps a hoof impatiently.
>"Oh don't get like that with me.  I understand everything now, and you're a hypocrite."
>She's visibly shocked by the accusation.
>"So you come chasing after me, stopping me from making my dreams come true, just so you can try to make me feel bad?  No way.  Not happening.  I'm out of here."
>You grab her shoulder.
>"Listen.  You went off on me for being a pussy, and maybe I was.  But here you are doing the same thing.  Figure out what you want and GO FOR IT, isn't that what you told me to do?"
>"I'M GOING FOR IT RIGHT NOW!  You're the only thing standing in my way!"
>"I'm not in your way.  You can blast right the fuck out of here at any time - we both know that.  I don't think this is what you really want."
>"And how would YOU know what I want?"
>"I don't know, you tell me."
>"That's not an answer!"
>"Yes it is.  I mean that I don't know what you want, and instead you TELL me what you want.  That's exactly what you DID last night, and now here you are running away.  You want to give speeches about being proactive and making a difference in your life?  About taking steps to get what you want, or in your case what you DESERVE?  Well here you are.  Now why don't you reach out and take it?"
>She tackles you.
>She has you pinned to the ground.
>You smile.

END