Neckbeard in Equestria

>Day day day in Equestria
>Wake up: shit, shower, shave…
>Well, shit at least.
>You put on the crusty socks and stained jeans. You washed them last week.
>You’d wash them more often, but nobody seems to care. You’re surrounded by tons of ponys who shit and piss in the streets; you are far more civilized than these creatures, no matter how fair they may seem.
>You put on your leather trench coat. Sure it’s 90 degrees outside, but sometimes you have to sacrifice comfort for style.
>You look at your face in the mirror and bask upon the glory of your facial hair.
>Man you love this beard.
>Your neck is covered in a patchy, pubey mane; just enough to get the mares moist.
>You woke up at 1 in the afternoon, time to head outside and swat the bitches off of you as you attempt to buy some things to make sushi.
>You head for the door…
>FUCK. You almost forgot your fedora. Never again.
>You got it at Wal-Mart for $20. You had to take it out of your figurine fund…tough decisions in the real world.
>The hardest part in Equestria is trying to pick which one of these fine ladies will be your new girlfriend.
>You reach for the knob once more, but again forget something.
>This isn’t like you to be so forgetful. Usually you’re top of your game and your intellect surpasses most ponys.
>For fear that, in your world, you were to get mugged in your dangerous suburban surroundings; you took up the honorable art of bushido: the way of the warrior.
>You convinced your mom to buy you a katana from the internet.
>You slept with that thing, sharpened it constantly, and trained relentlessly in your back yard.
>You named it Miyazaki, after one of your favorite directors.
>You grab it from the umbrella stand and strap it on.
>The Equestrian sun blinds you as you step outside. It’s the first time you’ve been in contact with fresh air in a week or so.
>You start to walk into town. Once you see the town’s residents, you move one side of you trench coat behind the hilt of your sword to warn any would-be assassins that you aren’t unskilled in the ways of the warrior.
>You take a few uneven waddles into the Equestrian town on Ponyville, keeping your eyes peeled for enemies.
>Behind you, there is a gentle whisper. “Hello Anonymous…h-how are you today?”
>It’s Fluttershy again. The timid pegasus who’s not even that hot. Definitely not the hottest of her friends, something you can’t relate to.
Oh hello Flutter-chan.
>You give a small bow to her presence.
 What brings you to my abode today?
>She’s gotten used to your fluency of the Japanese language. You wish more ponys would speak this superior dialect.
>”What are you doing today?”, she looks at you with eager eyes.
>You hide your blade from her.
I’m just out to patrol the streets and keep this town safe from crime. I am a warrior from another planet, thrust into this dimension for a purpose…
>You remove your fedora and place it on your heart as you lower your head to the ground.
There is a higher reason to my presence in this world. Maybe I am meant to slay a great beast, or protect a beautiful mare from a gang of dangerous foes.
>You unsheathe your blade slowly and gaze at your face in the mirror of the metal, and glimpsing at your long, greasy hat hair.
…But I must live by my code; always. I must protect the innocent from harm at all times. I can never forgive myself for…that one time…
>You look up at Fluttershy and see her confusion.
>”…w-well mister…you could protect me at m-my house…if you wanted to that is.”
>Fluttershy is always trying to get close to you, but you really like her more as…
>As a nothing really. You know you can get better than her.
>You’d love a nice shot at Twilight Sparkle, to discuss the deeper meanings of your original manga, フェドーラ戦士. Or maybe Pinkie Pie, to have a night filled with video games. You’d teach her a thing or two with your weeks of play time on Pony Fortress 2.
>Then there’s Rarity. The most beautiful mare in all of Equestria.
>You know that she is the perfect mate for you. Her supple flank, perfectly manicured mane. Her skills as a seamstress would also come in handy after you honor her with your courtship. You could finally get a real kimono.
>A fine pony like her deserves only the best.
No thank you Flutter-chan. I have better things to do.
>”Oh. M-mind if I come along with you?”
>Fluttershy looks desperate to be in your company. You can’t blame her, these streets are filled with horror and you are a very skilled warrior
Sure. Just stay close by.
>”Y-yes, Anonymous.”
>You set off down the road with your unskilled comrade. You tried to convince Mayor Mare to allow you to train the townspeople in the way of Bushido, but she thought it was unnecessary.
>She’ll see. Someday bandits will swarm the town with firearms and other dishonorable weapons. Then the Mayor will regret not having an army of skilled swordsman in the town.
>”S-so uhm, Anonymous..?”
Yes, Flutter-chan?
>She gently flies next to you.
>”Uhm…would you like to come to dinner with me tonight? A-at my house? Twilight and Rainbow are supposed to be joining us too.”
>This may be a good way to take advantage of Fluttershy to get information about her friends to recruit a mate.
Maybe I wil. What will be served?
>You hope it’s sashimi or tempura and not some gaijin Western food.
 >”Why, spaghetti of course!”, she says smiling.
Sure.
>The two of you walk together to Fluttershy’s cottage. Had you knew there would be a potential girlfriend lurking in there, you would have brought some of your drawings of you anime characters to impress the guests.
>Next time.
>Fluttershy jiggles the doorknob and flings the door open to reveal Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle sitting on a chair and couch respectively.
>This is your chance.
>You invite yourself into Futtershy’s home. She was talking about something boring anyways.
Hello Twilight-chan. You look cute today.
>”err…thanks Anon. I like your…hat…?”
>You already knew that. She stares at it all the time.
This seat taken?
>You plant down as close as you can to her; just enough room for her, but still close to give her a subtle signal.
>”Uh…so, Anon…I’m glad you could make it. Fluttershy didn’t tell me you were coming.”
>Twilight shoots Fluttershy a look. She’s probably just made at her because she didn’t put anything special on for your arrival. You can’t blame her.
>”I-I’m so sorry Twilight. I caught him just in time though…”
>Rainbow flies up, “Yeah…I just remembered I have to go…secret cloud business.”
Good thing.
>She scoffs at you as she flies out of the door. You don’t really like her anyways.
>”W-well…dinner is served.”
>The three of you head to the table. You hold one chair out for Twilight.
>She sits next to Fluttershy; probably didn’t notice you.
So Twilight-chan, want to hear some new parts of my manga I’m writing?
>”Uh, that’s okay, Anon.”
It’s really cool. There’s this warrior from the Ojikawa Clan in Nagasaki, Japan. Nagasaki is a place that was bombed where thousands of people were instantly incinerated from an atomic bomb that my dishonorable country dropped on them for no reason. Now he tries to exact revenge decades later.
>Silence. She’s obviously impressed.
>”That’s uh…interesting, Anon.”
>You smile as you feast on the spaghetti in front of you.
Yes it really is.
>Spaghetti is so messy. You wipe the sauce on your pants.
>”S-so, Anon…uhm…what have you been up to?”
Nothing. What about you, Twilight?
>Twilight stares at annoyance with a mouthful of pasta.
>”Nerfen, Ernon.”
>You continue to eat in silence. You need something to break the silence.
So, Twilight. I checked some books out from the library and was reading up. When is your estrus season, and would you want to hang out during that time? Or actually…do you know what Rarity is doing then?
>Twilight lets out a gag with a full mouth.
>That’s the reaction you were expecting in all honesty.
>”Y’know, I’m not really sure.”, she says sternly.
>What a bitch. You were just asking her to have sex. She gets a free meal from McPony’s out of it.
Okay.
>”Y’know…I’m always here, Anon. I mean…I never have a mate for estrus…and I’m always…ready to go…”
>Fluttershy bites her lip as she fidgets below the table. Must have an itch.
Cool.
>The three of you finish your plates and Twilight heads for the door.
>You spring up and stand next to it.
>There’s an awkward pause… and she stares at you like she’s waiting for the door to open by itself.
See you, Twilight-chan.
>You bend down and poke your lips out.
>”YeahokaybyeAnon.”
>Twilight slams the door in your face.
What a bitch.
>You look over at Fluttershy. She’s still doing something under the table, obscured by the tablecloth.
>She lets out a few winces and eeps.
>”S-so…Anon…want to st-stay the night?”
No. I have to go. Bye.
>Maybe you can still catch up with Twilight.
>”Okay…well, I’ll see you later. Want to take some spaghetti home with you?”
No thanks, Flutter-chan. I’ve had enough for one day.
>You head out of the door as Futtershy starts making some louder noises…like a gasping pant. Weirdo.
>You hope you didn’t fall too far behind Twilight because of…
>Friggen’ Flutter-chan.