even more introspective bull

Well, I guess there's good news for me. Sister went digging in those big stupid libraries for me like I asked her to, and I've been doing some research. I guess there is a way that she never has to see me wither away, for as long as I can stand sticking around. I admit I didn't tell her why I wanted to know. I said it was personal interest. I wonder if she figured it out.

There's a thing vampires can do to people. I guess on normal people, it makes them a little stronger, gives them some taste of power or whatever, but they're still living. And most importantly, it makes them... well, kinda immortal. But without the undeath part. Not that we can turn me anyway. I wish it were a desperate measures option, as much as she does I'm sure, but we can't win 'em all. Anyway, that's what it does. I guess they have to know because I bet a lot of the really old fogeys have kept mortals around for a long, long time. That's what I'm hoping for, at least. I dunno if I'll get any weird vampire powers from it considering I'm some kinda furfuck, but I only want one thing out of this deal anyway. That's it. I'm fine being just a furfuck as long as I'm not one that's going to get old.

The books and the research notes also say there's downfalls, though.

For one, I have to do it at least once a month to stay that way. I don't think that'll be much of a problem, though. I know sister will be willing to help me out once I actually, y'know, tell her about this. On that note though, it's supposed to be pretty addictive... I guess it's a risk I have to take if I want this. I'm gonna make a promise to myself now that if it ever comes to pass that something happens to her, I'm done. I'm gonna force myself not to try to mooch off of anyone else. You need to have a vampire around to do this, so I'm gonna set it to myself that I'm only gonna let her do it.

That's another thing, it's kinda gross. In order to do this, you have to go and drink a vampire's blood or... something close to that anyway. That's fine by me. I dunno what it tastes like, but I guess I'm gonna find out. Hope it's not too gross. 'Course that's coming from me. I'll eat fuckin' anything. This is barely a blip on the radar. I don't know the exact process behind it but from what it reads, I only have to drink it to get it to work. I don't necessarily hope there isn't more, but I'd be glad if it were that easy and we don't have to do anything that has the potential to get weirdly sexual. Not that I care since y'know, her feeding has the potential to go that way anyway. But could you imagine getting walked in on doing something like that? No thanks. I mean I guess I could make it weird if I wanted to. But let's not, for now.

For three, apparently there's something called blood-bonding. It's a thing that they can do to each other and I think to mortals where they're... bound to each other, I guess? Somehow. It involves one getting you to drink their blood. And I guess if you do it three times you're... fully bound or something. It reads to me like being permanently deeply in love with the guy you're bound to? And I guess that can get kinda creepy if you don't know this person you're doing it to? Kinda? I dunno.

This is where it starts getting a little bit weird to me. What happens if this is a whole consensual thing? Like, I want to ask and I want to make it clear that this is a thing I've looked into and want her to do to me. And people have always said we're way too close already. Like, what happens when you have that really tight bond already? Is it just gonna be... the same? Except maybe I wanna do her, which is weird but I'll put up with it? I'm really struggling to think of a way I could be any closer to her, to be honest.

...Is it going to drown out that stupid nagging voice in my head, maybe?

Ever since she got turned, hell ever since I've had contact with vampires in general, I've had this nagging voice in my head sometimes trying to get me to not trust her. A lot of the times it's quiet, but then she does her... blood magic shit, or needs to bite, and it starts screaming. It's made me blurt out a lot of things I don't mean and I hate it. If this bond thing could make that little voice stay quiet around her forever, that'd be amazing. I want nothing more than to make it just shut the fuck up, especially around her. I don't want to drive her away like this. That's the opposite of what I want. If this can make that shut up, all the better.

I haven't told her about the voice... I don't know if she'll understand. It's kind of a weird thing and it makes me sound crazy now that I'm writing it down. I guess I'm even kind of scared to. But I want it to shut up, I do, I swear I do. She's holding things over my head that I never wanted to say, things I never wanted to think. Maybe I should cover it before I ask about this... blood thing. Or... after, maybe. Once I've given her some context? If she hasn't figured it out.

I should probably nut up already and just get this stupid talk over with, huh? Well... here I go. I'm going now. To do the thing. With full confidence. Not terribly nervous or scared or anything like that. What are you looking at me like that for? You know... if... diaries could look.

I'm just gonna go.

Wish me luck.