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- >Day Education in Equestria
- >Wake up
- >Groan at the sunlight hitting you in the eyes
- >Move a hand over your face to stop the burning
- >Sit up
- >Look around your room
- >Papers and books are everywhere
- >Kick off the covers and go to have a shower and a shit
- >Shaving be damned
- >You walk downstairs, stroking your stubble
- >Pour some Lune-O's and cover them in milk
- >The milk turns dark blue and you can see sparkles in it
- >Shit, that's awesome.
- >Gulp the entire bowl down and burp
- >Stand up and go over to the door to begin your no doubt thrill-filled rollercoaster ride of a day
- >Before you reach it, you hear a knock
- >Open the door
- >Look down
- >Cheerilee stands there, beaming at you
- >"Good morning, Anonymous! I hope I'm not bothering you, am I?"
- Nope.
- >"Good! Well, I have a bit of a problem, I was wondering if you could help me!"
- >Uh oh.
- >"See, my father... Was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual, mommy got the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that."
- >She leans forwards slightly and narrows her eyes
- >"Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me, and he says: 'Why so serious?'"
- >She takes a step forward. You take a step back.
- >"He comes at -me- with the knife! 'WHY SO SERIOUS?'"
- >She's now glaring at you, and you're shitting your pants
- >"Lets put a SMILE on that face!"
- >She smiles malevolently at you
- >"Aaaaand..."
- >You whimper
- >"...Can you watch the kids today?"
- FUCK.
- >You are Anon.
- >Substitute teacher
- 1/?
- >"Pleeease? I would really appreciate it, and you're the only pon- uhh, Human in town with a backbone strong enough for the kids!"
- Why can't you ask Twilight?
- >"We... Had a falling out."
- Over what?
- >Cheerilee grumbles. You pick up the words "cheating bitch" in there though.
- Well what about Fluttershy? She's great with kids.
- >"She's also stupid. Come on, Anon. You're the smartest guy in town! Could you just watch the kids whilst I attend to some things?"
- Where are you even going?
- >At that moment, a giant white Pegasus covered in muscle lands next to you both, shaking the ground as he lands
- >Cheerilee gets on his back
- >She puts on some sunshades
- >Draws a crossbow
- >And puts on a Fedora
- >"I've got vampires to slay."
- >She slaps the Pegasus' ass and he takes flight
- >Watch them go
- I fucking hate this town.
- >You walk back inside and grab some supplies, paper, pencils, quills and ink.
- >Stomp across town and towards the school house
- >Reach the playground
- >Fillies and Colts are playing and laughing
- >Sigh
- >Maybe this won't be so bad
- >Some prissy looking filly wearing a shit crown points at you
- >"Eww! That monkey is here! Where's the teacher?!"
- >Walk over to her
- >Grab her mane
- >She squeals and screams
- >The other kids watch you, mouths agape
- >Kick open the door to the school
- >Throw the bitch in
- >Turn around and scream at the top of your lungs
- CLASS IS IN SESSION!
- 2/?
- >You glare at the class
- >The class glares back
- >Sniff
- >The narrow their eyes
- >Turn your back
- >A paper ball hits the back of your head
- >You hear giggles
- >Spin back around
- WHO DID THAT?
- >Silence
- WHICH ONE A' YA'LL DEAD MOTHER FUCKERS JUST THREW THAT SHIT?
- >Point at some bucktoothed ingrate sat at the front who's holding a camera
- WAS IT YOU, STRING BEAN? YOU SKINNY ASS LOOKIN' MOTHER FUCKER?
- >"N-no, sir!"
- Oh, well alright then.
- >Smile
- >Pat him on the head
- Good boy.
- >Turn back to the blackboard and scribble your name
- My name is Anonymous. And today I will be your teacher whilst Cheerilee is away.
- >A fat colt at the back raises his hoof
- Yes, you, the fat kid at the back.
- >His face falls a bit, but he recovers and speaks up
- >"What's Ms Cheerilee doing?"
- Fighting Vampires.
- >He blinks, then raises his hoof again
- >"What's a Vampire?"
- Edge personified.
- >You clear your throat
- Now! Are there any more questions before we begin?
- >Sweetie Belle raises her hoof
- Yes, Sweetie Belle?
- >"What's a shlong?"
- You'll find out when you're older.
- >Open the brown envelope in Cheerilee's desk that she left you
- >A note falls out
- >"Hello, Anonymous! Here is the lesson plan. Hope all goes well! ~ Cheerilee"
- >You look at the lesson plan
- >'Sex Education'
- Congratulations, Sweetie Belle. You're older.
- 3/?
- >The class "ooohs" at the topic you scribble on the board
- >A grey filly in glasses raises her hoof
- Yes?
- >"I already know about sex! My dad taught me everything there is!"
- >She smiles smugly at you
- >You gawp at her
- Well ok then. Enjoy your future career as a prostitute.
- >"What's a prostitute?"
- God's gift to men.
- >Another pony at the back raises her hoof
- >She's wearing jam-jar glasses and a propeller hat
- Uhh, yes?
- >She clears her throat and speaks in a squeaky voice
- >"Umm, w-will you be demonstrating?"
- Hell no.
- >"O-oh... Okay..."
- >You shake your head and look back at the rest of the class
- >Bitch-Pone and Grey-Slut are chattering
- >The fat kid is eating an entire cake. Seriously. There is an entire birthday cake on his desk and he's eating it.
- >Applebloom and Scootaloo and making paper aeroplanes
- >Sweetie Belle is drawing pink dragons on her paper
- >Rub your temples
- EVERYONE BE QUIET!
- >The class falls silent
- >Bitch-Pone giggles
- >Throw a book at her
- >It hits her square in the face and she almost does a backflip from the force
- >Scootaloo bursts out laughing
- >"Oh my gosh you're the best sub EVER!"
- >The rest of the class eagerly agrees
- >Fat kid cheers over his cake
- 4/?
- Right. Sex Ed. Uhh, I wasn't really prepared for this, but I'll try.
- >Clear your throat
- So-
- >The propeller-hat pony raises her hoof
- >"C-can we see your dick?"
- >The class cheers
- >"Yeah! Show us your dick!"
- >They all pause
- >Then all raise their hooves
- ...Yes?
- >"What's a dick?"
- Zeus help me... Look, I'm about to explain that-
- >A pony at the front raises his hoof
- OH MY GOD. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
- >He smirks
- >"Allow me to explain to the class since you CLEARLY don't understand the intricate workings of the Equine body"
- >He saunters over the Sweetie Belle and takes her hoof in his
- >He looks over his shoulder at you, still wearing a shit eating grin
- >"This... "Creature", clearly doesn't understand true beauty of the mare form..."
- >He kisses her hoof
- >You walk over to him
- >Pick him up
- >"Ugh! Get your filthy hands off me, you sub-equine monster!"
- >Walk over to the cupboard at the other side of the room
- >Place him inside
- >"My father shall hear of this, monster!"
- >Walk over to Bitch-pone
- >Pick her up
- >Put her in there with him
- >Shut the cupboard door
- >Push it over so that the doors are against the floor
- >Dust your hands
- >Walk back to the front of the class
- >Lick your teeth
- Will there be any more interruptions?
- >No one moves
- >Fat kid coughs
- What was that, Chubs?
- >"N-nothing, sir"
- Good.
- 5/?
- Now. We're going to learn how horse sex works. And you're going to like it. Am I understood?
- >Everyone nods
- >The propeller hat pony shudders
- >She's awfully big for her age
- >You draw a crude dick on the blackboard
- >Wait, shit. That's a human dick.
- >You brush it off and draw a horse cock instead
- >Stand back
- >Much better
- >Turn to the class and point at it
- What do you think this is?
- >Applebloom raises her hoof
- >"Oh! Oh! A plow!"
- Well no, it CAN plow, that's not what it's called.
- >The Cutie Mark Crusaders put their heads together and start guessing to themselves
- >Grey-Slut calmly raises a hoof
- Yes?
- >"It's a Custard Cannon. That's what my dad calls it"
- You really have no shame, do you?
- >"Nope."
- Yeah, sure, whatever. It's a custard cannon.
- >You draw a vagina next to the dick
- Who can tell me wh- JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
- >Propeller-hat pone is spreading her butt cheeks and waving her rear at you
- >"I-is it this, Anon?"
- >You notice that she's got a piece of paper sellotaped over each flank, with the words "plz ignore" written on them
- >She's also leaking all over the desk
- >The kids "Woah" quietly
- Get the fuck down and shut up, you cretin.
- >The pony gets down and sulks
- >Shake your head
- It's a vagina. The custard cannon goes in the vagina. Any questions?
- >Everyone raises a hoof, including the propeller hat pony
- >Point at Chubs
- >"When's lunch?"
- >Throw a book at him
- 6/?
- >Point at Grey-Slut
- >"Wanna have some fun after class?"
- >Give her the middle finger
- >Point at Applebloom
- >"Do ya like Apples?"
- >Throw an apple at her
- >Once you're done answering questions, half the class has concussion and the other half are hiding under the desks
- >Hold a book over your head, ready to throw
- ANYONE ELSE HAVE A STUPID FUCKING QUESTION?
- >The propeller pony raises her hoof shakily
- >"A-are classrooms your-"
- >A copy of "Mathematics for Foals" hits her straight between the eyes
- >You hear screaming from inside the closet
- >”GET THAT AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!”
- >”No.”
- >"[Screams Externally]
- >Sit down on a stool
- >It breaks under your weight
- >Sit among the shattered remains of a stool
- >Scootaloo raises a hoof
- Yes... Scootaloo?
- >"Will you be teaching us tomorrow?"
- Depends if Cheerilee survives.
- >"I-I like you teaching... You don't take crap from no pony!"
- >Manage a smile
- Glad you like me, I guess.
- >Someone prods your shoulder
- >Look over
- >Chubs, sporting a large black eye, trembles as he offers you a slice of cake
- >Gingerly take it and bite into it
- >Chew slowly
- >This cake is really good
- >Smile at Chubs and ruffle his hair
- Thanks, Chubs
- >"M-my name is Stuffed Cheeks"
- Are you serious? What's your talent, eating?
- >"No, it's Molecular Biology"
- >Holy shit.
- 7/?
- >You stand up and rub your stubble
- So. Did any of you learn anything today?
- >A filly with book shaped mark on her face groans
- >"D-don't ask stupid questions"
- >A colt with a bloody nose and a nervous voice squeaks
- >"Don't be a smart-flank"
- >Applebloom sits up, Apple chunks and juice mixed with blood all over her face
- >"Don' go bein' silly, an' think before ya speak"
- >Nod proudly
- Well done, all of you. Bloody well done.
- >Place your hands on your hips
- I think this was a pretty successful first day!
- >A voice from the back of the class calls out
- >"I think Glitter Ball needs a doctor!"
- >Grin
- Class! New lesson plan! We're going to learn first aid!
- >Look down at Chubs
- Chubs!
- >"Yes, boss?"
- >Chuckle darkly
- Get me my stabbing pencil.
- 8/?
- >One classroom surgery later, you send the kids home
- >Watch with a weary smile as they help each other out the door, groaning and wincing in pain
- >Scootaloo supports Appleboom whilst carrying Sweetie Belle on her back out the door
- >Grey-Slut winks at you on the way out, and drags some random kid round the back of the school where no one can see
- >The propeller pony walks out and winks at you as well
- >With her vagina
- >Absolutely Disgusting
- >Lastly, Chubs walks out, but stops next to you
- >He looks up
- >"When I'm older, I'm gonna find you and dissect you for science as payback for today"
- >Smile and pat him on the back
- Kid, with an attitude like that, you'll go far in life. Have a nice evening
- >He smiles
- >"You too, future experiment."
- >He walks past you
- >Trip him up with a foot
- >He rolls down the hill, cursing your name the whole time while he speeds into Ponyville like a sentient katamari
- >You pull the door shut and lock it, making sure you have everything before heading home.
- >Being a teacher is great.
- 9/?
- >Be Diamond Tiara
- HELLOOOOOOOOO?! Any pony gonna let me out of here?!
- >Sit back down and huff
- >A hoof strokes your leg
- >Tense up
- >Hear a voice in the dark
- >"How about I show you my custard cannon, baby. We got aaaaaaall night."
- >[Scream externally - internally]
- 10/10
- The End
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