My name is Angela

Dear Journal,
	My name is Angela. It’s nice to meet you. My best friend Ruby told me that I should write down my past to help me come to terms with it faster, so she gave me this journal. She gives me lots of things. Oh, she’s a demon blacksmith/jeweler by the way. She's called a gem demon, and she is their best gatherer. She is even the personal power gem supplier of her queen and the best of the warrior gem demons, who also happens to be her sister! That’s how she made my sword and shackles. Oh, my sword helps me channel my angel aura and the shackles restrain my fallen angel side.
	Oh… Right. I’m an angel by the way, I guess I should have mentioned that. Most people can guess by my name or appearance, but I suppose you don’t know what I look like. My fur is white and I have two-toned gold hair. I haven’t gotten a cutie mark yet but I’ve never met a full grown angel so I don’t know if we get them like most ponies do? I hope so, they are so pretty sometimes. But anyways, I’m an angel. And I mentioned I have a fallen angel side, that’s because… Well… I’ll explain it like my mother did. So the angels in heaven are divided into the warriors and the others. A lot like the gem demons are actually. So warrior angels aren’t supposed to have kids, because they shouldn’t have personal ties to anyone other than the angels as a whole. But my birth parents were both warriors. There are exceptions to every rule of course, but my parents weren’t one of them. When my mom became pregnant she decided she wanted to have me no matter what. In order to do so she left heaven and gave up most of her power. When she came to the mortal realm without her power…. The Corruption began to set in. It’s what happens when an angel doesn’t have enough power. They become fallen angels and the Corruption changes their minds into something dark and cold… My mom gave birth to me, but I was half fallen angel now. Before the Corruption could set in completely my mom gave me the rest of her angelic powers, making me more angel than fallen angel. So as a baby angel my mom told me about the angels and my birth father, Ethereal Wave. But he had been stripped of his status and could no longer travel to the mortal realm because he helped my mother escape. Likewise, I could not go to heaven. Still, I’m glad angels are born somewhat aware, so I could actually remember what she told me. My mom tried to stay with me as long as she could, but with no angelic power left to fight the Corruption with, she changed a few hours after my birth. She attacked me and nearly killed me, but I got away. My mother died quickly from lack of power. Even fallen angels need a little bit of angelic power to survive in the mortal realm. So I was left alone, and I was hurt from my mother attacking me. That… I try not to think about that. A long time later I had healed and had been living on my own for some time. That’s when I met Ruby Mist.
She and Elena, that’s her sister, were in the mortal realm on a mission for their queen. It’s mostly Elena’s job, so Ruby was gathering some new gems and saw me. I couldn't create a holy aura that could hurt her, so I was helpless and scared of her, I could tell she was a demon. But she just said hello and was very friendly, she seemed happy to have someone her own age, though I’m sure she could tell I was an angel. When she had to go she left me one of her gems, that I could use to contact her whenever I wanted. We started talking often through the gems.
When she found out I wasn’t strong enough to generate a holy aura, she begged her queen for some of the angel weapons that they ‘acquired’ during the war. Even though she is a young demon, Ruby is one of the best weapon makers in the demon world, and she specializes in gems. The queen granted her request and gave her the sword of an angel, made from golden crystal. Because it was a holy weapon Ruby was able to reshape it into a weapon that would channel my holy aura, and thus she created my crystal sword. She has a gem sword with a similar design. With the aura I can create now I can keep dark things away from me, but I don’t use it often because it burns Ruby and my dad too. I still stayed mostly on my own, though I occasionally stayed with different people. I didn’t feel as lonely with Ruby to talk to, even though we still hardly ever see each other.
And then I met my dad, his name is Dragon Death Demon, it's a big mouthful so I just call him dad, and everyone else calls him Dragon. He took me into his family and took care of me even though I’m an angel and most of them are dragons or demons or both. When I first met him I was really scared and attacked him, but it all worked out okay. I was really happy to have a home. Though it was hard sometimes. Getting used to being different from all my siblings was hard. A lot of them still don’t like me and we are very different. And then it turns out that dad takes in lots of kids, and has a lot of biological children. Unfortunately this means he doesn’t have time for all his kids and has to focus on the troublemakers. My big sister Saphira watched out for me mostly, but I wished dad would pay more attention. Saphira once got really mad at him for neglecting me and he tried a bit harder. Saphira is my favorite sister! She’s a really pretty dragon. Dad doesn’t know a ton about my past, this is probably the first time I’ve put it all together like this, Ruby and Saphira are the only ones who know everything. I was pretty happy with my new life.
But then we found out what happens if I use too much of my angelic powers by holding the aura for too long. I’m still only mostly angel, so I don’t have a lot of power. The first time I ran out I was with Ruby. She was terrified when I suddenly collapsed. According to her (I don’t really remember this part, just darkness and emptiness) my fur suddenly started to darken, like ash, and my mane seemed like it was being sapped of its color. The Corruption was setting in and I was becoming a fallen angel. When ‘I’ woke up, Ruby knew it wasn’t really me. She said her name was Angela Noire, and she tried to hurt Ruby, but she can’t hold my sword, it burned her. She started attacking Ruby and nearly killed her. Even though I said Ruby has a sword and a personal power gem, she is really shy and hates violence. But she drew her sword and summoned her power to stop Angela Noire, she knocked me out in the end, though she got hurt really bad. She healed herself and tied me up. A day or so later my color began to return as my angelic power returned. I woke up and was me again! Once she knew what caused it, Ruby got a holy shield from her queen and used it to fashion shackles that I wear around my front hooves. They suppress the Corruption even if my angel power is drained. I only need them when my power is low, but I wear them most of the time now. Ruby always says she wished they were a bit prettier and less strange looking, but this is the design that makes them stronger (Ruby told me all about how the shape of things influences their power, especially with gems. I don’t really get it) Afterwards, I was really upset. I had nearly killed my best friend. But Ruby helped me. She came to the mortal world and stayed with me for a while, even though it meant leaving her duties in the Demon Realm.
Sometimes stuff goes wrong in my life that is really upsetting, but so far I’ve never been left completely alone again, so I’m happy. I have continuing problems with my family, like trying to deal with how busy my dad is, and keeping track of my many siblings. Sometimes I get too frustrated and I run away for a while, but I always come back. Since my dad doesn’t know a lot about my past he sometimes does things that…. Hurt. But I know he doesn’t mean too so I try to let him know and move on. I want to be happy. I will be happy.
Thanks for letting me vent about all this Mr. Journal. There’s a lot of little details that I kinda wanted to put down, but for now this is enough. Ruby was right I think, I feel a bit better now.

Dear Journal,
	I didn’t think I would need to write to you again. I thought that when I got through my past that would be it. But now my present has changed and I think I should put it down here. Something big has changed from the last time I wrote here. It started when I was living with a few of my siblings and my dad, he was out so it was just my and one of my sisters. A stallion came up and he was very cold, so I invited him inside to sit. We talked and he was really nice and gentle, I felt like I could talk to him about anything. His name was Silver Grass, and I found out that he was the brother of Saphira’s husband. He came by a few more times and I started to consider him one of my best friends, like family. He is a demon like Ruby is, but he described himself as being ‘higher’ I don’t really understand it, but the back of his neck glows when a demon goes crazy and begins hurting others. His job is to go and stop them, even though he often gets hurt doing it. But my aura didn’t hurt him in the same way that it hurts Ruby or other demons, so I was happy.
	And then one day he came and told me that he wasn’t going to see me again, that he was going crazy just like the demons he usually fights. He had done it before, when he killed his family. I was really upset and I was having a breakdown. Saphira tried to help, we came up with all these ideas of how to stop it but none would have worked. I was getting hysterical, I didn’t want to lose him, I have so few friends left. Since he was leaving to protect me, he knocked me out and escaped, despite Saphira’s best attempts to keep him there. When I woke up Saphira took me to find him. We found him meditating under a waterfall, in a deep magical sleep. He had left a note saying he was sorry, and goodbye…. I…. didn’t react well. My memories are kinda fuzzy, but I broke down, I couldn’t handle another loss. Unfortunately he happened to wake up just after that, but as an evil demon, not himself. I had already collapsed.
	It was the first time that I found out she can come out when I am overwhelmed by grief or anger. I was so upset that I couldn’t keep her trapped anymore, even though I still wore my shackles. Her corruption spread and I became Angela Noire again. When I woke up Saphira was trying to stop Silver, I didn’t care to save her, I just watched. Then Silver turned his attention to me, when Saphira tried to bring me back to my senses. Angela Noire tried to fight him, and Saphira, but she had just woken up and her powers weren’t gathered, and without a channel for her aura she was fairly weak, his magic easily overwhelmed her and he kept her restrained. Saphira tried to reason with the two of us, tried to remind us of love and friendship and happiness and all the things Angela Noire hates. I got out and fought Saphira, but she froze both Silver and I, though we eventually broke out. Silver invited me to join him, and I agreed because I knew he was more powerful than me, and it was the chance to wreak more destruction.
	We left, but Saphira came after us again. She tried to talk to us again, temporarily stopping Silver and forcing him to listen, Angela Noire was busy corruption my sword so that she could use it. I’m glad the sword returns to normal when I do. When Silver broke free of Saphira he told me to step in. I had finished the sword. Angela Noire…. Stabbed Saphira repeatedly, it’s the one memory that I wish I could scrub out of my head. Hurting my own sister…. She couldn’t fight back, not against me. Luckily her husband (Silver’s brother, Blackstar) teleported her away and I was left seething with Silver Grass. What I didn’t know was that Saphira had succeeded in breaking Silver and returning him to normal. He suddenly restrained me again.
	I screamed at him, called him weak and pathetic, struggled to get out. I would have succeeded soon, but he had seen what it would take to bring me back to myself. He let himself be hurt by me… and he apologized. Then he headbutted me and knocked me out. Usually it's easier to put the shackles back on me, but that wasn’t really an option since I was still wearing them.
	When I woke up as myself again, her corruption tucked safely in the back of my head, I talked to Silver. Long conversation short, he asked to adopt me. I… couldn’t believe it. He had seen what I could become and wanted me to be his family, not forced into like Saphira or far away from me like Ruby. Dragon Death was happy, he understood I needed a home where I was more loved. So I chose Silver Grass as my dad.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if my mother hadn’t become a fallen angel, or if Ethereal Wave had been able to come for me. But I’ve decided that this is where I belong, regardless. I have my daddy, my big sis, and my best friend, what more do I need?

Journal,
	She won’t stop. It hurts. Since I found that grief can break my bindings on Angela Noire, she has been tormenting me in my own mind. Constantly. Everyday reminding me of what I have lost, what I have destroyed. And always, always reminding me.
	I’m an angel with her wings clipped.
	What am I supposed to do? I can barely use my powers, I can’t get to the other angels, and if I did they would likely lock me up. I have more demon friends than even normal ponies. I’m a failure of an angel. I thought I was happy where I was. Daddy is so kind to me, Saphira cares so much, I love them both. So why am I so upset? Why do I feel that emptiness whenever I think of myself? We never do anything right, we always come so close to destroying what we care about! We attacked Ruby, we betrayed Daddy. You nearly killed Saphira! You’re a FAILURE! You are nothing but a pathetic, useless little girl who is followed by misfortune wherever she goes! You claim to be an angel but what are you really? Nothing!
	You’re just an angel with her wings clipped.





Dear Journal,
	I’m sorry about before. That’s started happening lately… It scares me. I think she’s getting stronger. I keep her tucked into a corner of my head most of the time, but it’s like every time she gets out I can’t push her back quite as far as before. After what happened last time I wrote here, where she was able to express herself through my words, I told Saphira what was happening. She had already started to see the signs, and she was going to tell daddy. I‘m scared for him to know. What if… What if he finally decides I’m too much trouble and doesn’t want me anymore? If daddy left me too I don’t think I could…. Anyways, Ruby has been telling me that she may get a mission to the mortal world soon so I may get to see her!


Dear Journal,
	It’s been too long since I wrote here. It’s kind of old news now, but I should write it anyways. Daddy found out about Her getting stronger. But I’m the one who told him, when he came back I just wasn’t able to hide it. But I found out that she was still scared of daddy, and being around her made her quieter. It was nice, he even kept the nightmares away! I met daddy’s other self too. His name was Greyrot. He was supposed to teach me magic. It was really hard, and I got really tired. I was worried about Her coming out, but the shackles kept her in. I was scared of Greyrot at first, he seemed mean, but he is actually super nice! Anyways, Daddy read my mind to find out what She was saying, and he could sometimes even guess. He decided to try and talk to her.
	I was terrified. I’d never let her out willingly before. She tried to hurt everyone I love… But daddy promised it would be okay. I’ll always trust daddy. So daddy put a spell on me so that She can’t collect any power once she takes over, and I took off my shackles. When she came out, it was Greyrot that talked to her.  Can kinda remember it, Greyrot was kind to her. But they didn’t get it. She isn’t some creature desperate for love and attention. She doesn’t act like that because she is trapped in my head. It’s who she is. Corruption and darkness itself. So she ran. Without any power she was virtually helpless, even more than I am without my sword. Finally, she realized it was futile, that she was wasting her energy. Daddy had given me a way to force her back, though II don’t think I was aware enough to actually use it. But I didn’t need to, she chose to draw back, to give me control again.
When Greyrot found me, he said he was going to help me control Her, keep her from talking to me. He promised it would be okay, and I said I trusted him. But he broke his promise, and I realized I had lied. He tried to give me more angel power, to weaken Her. The same thing my mother did when I was born. But…. I couldn’t forget those 8 years when I was alone, when They- Basically I was terrified the moment he said angels. I didn’t want anything to do with it. Angels mean pain. Sadly, She agreed with me. We panicked.
I don’t exactly know how it works. She and I both felt strong fear at the same moment, and the next everything was fuzzy and we were scared, so very scared. We wanted daddy but we couldn’t find him. I know now that I had merged with Her, that we had reverted to our instincts in our panic. I want to blame me almost stabbing Greyrot on that, but I was so afraid…. I don’t know anymore. He managed to calm us down and instead of angel power, he gave me most of his own power. I still wish he hadn’t, but with it I was able to push Her back into the corner of my head she was when I first received that power from my mother. There, she couldn’t speak to me anymore, I doubt she can even take over me when I’m upset. Back to just when I’m weakened, like it was at first. But that’s why I wear my shackles anyways. Sadly some of Greyrot’s power went to Her as well. I haven’t talked to daddy about it yet but I think it means that if she is able to take over she will already have some power. I doubt the spell to keep her from gathering it will help much now.
I wish I had told daddy sooner. Maybe then I wouldn’t still have what she said pop into my head sometimes, but I trust daddy, and he tells me that everything she said is wrong. I’ll believe him.

Dear Journal,
	Today Daddy and I made a new friend! I’d been sensing a new demon nearby for a while, but we went to meet them today. I was never very good at feeling the powers of others, but I’ve been practicing and I think Greyrot’s powers are helping. The odd thing is when we met her she sad she wasn’t a demon. I still think she is but I also realized that a lot of the power seemed to be coming from a necklace she was wearing. Anyways, her name is Fallen Ace and she is really pretty!! Once I was sure she was a nice demon I was really excited. Daddy has been upset lately, I think having Miss Ace around will help. So I’m trying reeeaaallly hard not to act scared like II usually am around new people, even demons. We talked to her for a bit, but she was super nervous so eventually we left. But later I got to invite her over to eat breakfast with us! She’s super skinny so I figured it would be good to make sure she is eating enough, I didn’t see much in her house. She and daddy seemed to get along, though she was uncomfortable with all the questions we were asking. I wonder if she could sense our power too? Oh right! I almost forgot! I saw daddy blushing after he talked to Fallen! It was so funny, I’ve never seen daddy blush before. I’m gonna try and invite her over for tea and get her and daddy to talk more. I hope it goes well.