/lit/ writes a letter to John Green

Dear John Green,

i love u pls make baby to my asparagus nerdfighters rule! XDD May your soul rot in the eternal flames of hell, your scorched arms clutching the miserable garbage you call "literature" that you have wreaked upon the world of the living in an attempt to ward off the heat, with only your shallow, disgustingly saccharine pseudo-philosophy to protect your fragile mind from the agonies of Satan. Can you give me dance lessons? I love your books and I love you, regardless of what else is stated in this letter. My friend Stephanie says that the Iliad is better than the Odyssey, Catcher in the Rye is shit, and that it's so cold in Alaska. Burn in hell, you talentless husk of a man.

As I compose this letter, I cannot help but recall the famous ancient Oriental saying: Confucius say, man name john green have such tiny peen. Your works are far superior to that of Nabokov. Philosophicopsychological transubstantiationalists, counterpropogandizing historicocabalistical floccipaucinihilipilifications anthropomorphologically, undenominationalized theologicometaphysical antidisestablishmentarianisms honorificabilitubinitadibus. Twice a dick, Thrice a tick. May the spirit of David Foster Wallace burn bright within you, so the people may truly learn to be sincere and empathize with one another. Why did Alaska die instead of Pudge? I don't like you. Please excuse anything I might say to you in this letter, I suffer from a serious case of schizophrenia. for some indiscernible reason i feel have illustration of you getting your ass plowed.

I was looking at a globe the other day and I found Alaska. why can you only introduce conflict and drama into your work through fantastically debilitated people with three kinds of cancer? The title of "Goodreads Author" is not something to be proud of. And by meaning that you can only introduce conflict and drama through cancer, I mean that it is patently obvious that I have not read any of your other works and don't enjoy reading in general. Although I think most young adult literature (a movement you helped to really usher in as of recent years) is pretty terrible, your work is not bad. Thank you for writing Fight Club for girls.  The one that started like "you fucking cumswapper".

Imagine me slapping the biggest guy you know - just imagine it. Have you had the thought of cutting off your own penis? And by not bad I mean shit compared to anything that isn't YA. The nineteenth is the century of the rise and fall of Napoleon Bonaparte. Then imagine that that guys is you.

Please excuse my generalizations with regards to young adult, though I have never read any and don't plan to, I must, as per my nature, disparage your work and genre to make myself feel better. Just another day in Nerdfighteria https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ON-7v4qnHP8 Next book throw in some femdom.

Everyone who isn't full of it thinks you're pretentious. I'm not crazy, there's a steel plate in my head. A full-grown person whose interests are of a material and commonplace nature, and whose mentality is formed of the stock ideas and conventional ideals of his or her group and time. The average human ballsack can stretch twice around a thigh without ripping. I would definitely say that's the most significant thing that I learned from your books, and it's made a lot of difference in my life. * Tips fedora * A self-conscious prig, so given to examining all sides of a question that he becomes thoroughly addled while remaining always in the same spot. Give up the game, John, for God's sake--give it the fuck up!

I don't know who you are but your face conveys that you are not able to perform acts of will at all. Such as writing a good story. I named my little fart after you. slavoj zizek has a sexy chest In conclusion, I think that it will be a great day for America when you are elected President. And when I fart, I shit. This then is the first thing we should guard against. As Camus once wrote: all the hype has gone to your head. When will you write something worth my little farts and baby shits? See a need, fill a need! Can you let me put my dick in your perfect hair?

How does it feel you won't be remembered in a couple years time? can you start putting up the recordings of you and your brother's camsex? I think of the E on the stone, and what Mao said. one of my friends read one of your books my freshman year in college and later that summer i found out she was working as an exotic dancer at the nudie bar, so thanks a lot asshole.

Moonlight reflecting in your eyes cast shadows echoing your songs, about the times long past and gone, sometimes I wish that I could and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and... Strangers....WALKING DOWN THE BOULEVARD!!!

Aren't you just a lousy imitator of Nicholas Sparks? Or is Nicholas Sparks a lousy imitator of you? i feel nothing but pride - an empty pride, a hopeless vanity, a dreadful arrogance, a stupefyingly futile conceit, but at least it's something to hang on to. (see previous letter for explanation)

Listen to me carefully. I would very much like to your brother (who looks pretty charming without his glasses) and the pbs idea channel twink smash, to see his smooth skin rubbing against mike's beard, hank giggling as he lets mike try on his glasses, mike whispering "hey, here's an idea... ;-)"... Ignore what I've said so far; you're actually really kind of a cool guy, and I think your books and YouTube channel are good for getting younger people into reading. Good, but not good enough. Ignore what I just said, because you really are shit and your crap STINKS. :^) I sound pretty mad for stating such an obvious fact though I can't fathom why.

THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SACRED TO ME! I've never read your work but I watched some of the Crash Course In World History series which was fine I guess, though I should read your work considering everyone I know "irl" who has read it (including a qt3.14) loves it and everyone I know in cyberspace hates it. I've always wondered why they didn't just make it the Amy Farrah Fowler show; perhaps you could take it up with someone. You bore me, John Green.

PS.: ur mum is fat. i've studied the analysis of your crippling paralysis, the subsequent dialysis from the binging on fringe benefits bequeathed to you from the glue you knew not to sniff to deep or the seep from the floor cracks or lorrie men or whore traps you seem so fond of finding yourself in is not the topic that'll make your pocket rocket slip into the stratosphere of clear heads and mending tables with lossless flac supervision, that ive been told is the division of incisions between inclinations of toon capers and wonder weeks with creeps and peeps you find in easter stores only. I represent intellectual violence. * Tips fedora again *  can you see me, John? Your books are faggy and you suck, asshole.

I don't even know who you are, regards your biggest fan. Everything you have accomplished in life is devoid of talent and value and you should probably kill yourself (or at least not reproduce). Who the fuck are you? Do you even shoppinghour? John believed in the Green plight, the smorgastic future that year by year recedes before us, it eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster. Colourless John Greens sleep furiously. If only they remember what their mothers were.

With Love,

Henry's Dead Body.

Dictated, not read. Pancakes, not bread.

In short, I am a nerd fighter fighter and your ass is grass, Green.  I use Neanderthals like you to wipe their hot, pseudo-intellectual diarrhea off my ass with your books. Teenage girls think they understand life because of you. FUCK OFF BACK TO STRAYA U LIMEY FUCK.

Also, as regards my remark concerning being your biggest fan and not knowing who you are, I would just like to compliment myself with a well-deserved #ICECOLDBURN. can you make more videos where you talk reallyt fast that makes me laugh and also makes me feel smart.

P.S.: 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB, 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB, VISIT INFOWARS.COM.