anime expo
what a trip
maybe you’ve noticed my presence online has diminished a lot, maybe not - but I need to talk… rather, I’d like to talk things that happened and how the con went for me.  It’s been long enough that I feel I can type things with a clear head. or at least, I can talk about things without the bitter sting of relentless, justified anger and sadness driving my words
while these problems and issues are mostly mine alone, they’ve left a pretty big impact on me - once again, having trusted the wrong people, having made a shaky decision…
well, this will be long and a little personal, so I’ll put it behind a cut.
the first thing I’ve learned: not to date people who ask you to keep it a secret to most people, no matter how “good” their reason is (it probably will never be a good enough reason, for me) - as I am too open about things to be able to deal well with that. It’s super draining on me to have to be restrictive in how I communicate with others and what about, especially in something that actually affects my life quite a bit!
I suppose that’s not entirely relevant to AX itself, but is relevant to the events around it and the context that’ll be provided soon.
the second thing I’ve learned: somewhere along the lines, I ended up losing the patience for immature highschooler-esque games. I don’t know when it happened (perhaps after I had to leave my parents’ place early on?), but it did, and I just feel pretty detached from any immaturity that happens around me. I can’t even pretend to feel involved. I guess this ties to: not dating people who can’t seem to grow out of being a child? I don’t know, probably.
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I hate getting the impression someone is trying to use me.  I know this is maybe a little out of left field, but… I hate getting the impression that a person is just calculating how they can best get what they want out of me - less so when it’s a stranger because it’s easy to ignore and not care about, but more so when it’s a friend (or someone closer) who suddenly doesn’t seem to regard you as a person with feelings anymore, but as someone who can advance their and their friends’… status? goals? maybe it can be masked as enthusiasm, or as wanting to help a lot of people, but in the end it is using someone. what IS using someone? I think probably it’s trying to get someone to do something without considering, or maybe in *spite* of considering, what they want.
if a friend asks me to do something for them, I’ll probably want to say yes if I can fit it into my normal schedule and it’s not too big of a hassle - I’ll probably even more say yes if it’s something I actually wanted to do. I then expect that they probably will do the same for me, but I will always consider their needs first, and I expect that they do the same for me. I think that’s how (healthy) friendship is supposed to work. if someone asks something unreasonable of me without even going “yeah i know this is a really big favor so it’s fine if you can’t do it,” then I’m going to feel a little wary. if this keeps happening, or happens in multiple occasions where no one considers how I feel at all, it starts to get really tiring and upsetting.
doesn’t it for everyone?
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ACEN (the con I went to in april) was… nice, overall, but had some things happen - for instance, two nights in a row, people stayed in our room who weren’t supposed to be in our room. There was no way for me to say “no” in either case (I didn’t mind in one case initially, but came to regret it having happened) without looking like a gigantic douche. One person was woefully ill-prepared and didn’t have a room for the night before their flight.  The other person was in a room with literally.. 15 people, I think? and so came to our room for a break and stayed over.  Every single time (with one single exception) someone has stayed in our room who wasn’t originally invited, in all the conventions I’ve been to, I’ve regretted it. I am tired regretting being nice - I’d like to have some personal space because conventions are really difficult for me. I don’t like going out and being super extroverted - it’s draining for me! I like some space with only people I have designated as okay or who won’t get in the way of me trying to recharge. I don’t like others not considering this, and framing questions in such a way that I can’t deny extras from staying in our room without looking the part of the villain. It’s so shitty. I don’t like random people being around.
I also don’t like being made to feel bad over trying to do a favor for someone and then being unable to complete it. It’s… a favor. Why the hell make someone feel bad that they weren’t able to do a thing they tried to do for you? What the hell has to be wrong with someone to do that? That’s so unappreciative it’s sickening.
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Before Anime Expo, someone else’s stuff was dumped on me to print, as well. This meant I had to take more stuff and had less room.  At the very least, they covered their ink and paper costs. I was confused at the time, because  - first of all, it was more than a week away from the convention, and this person got really upset thinking they wouldn’t get ink and paper in time.  That’s what was said to me.  I knew it was coming - then I was asked to also print for this person, at the suggestion of their friend.  They talked to Marl (my husband who does my printing for me) and he said if this person ordered the ink and paper, we could do it - even though I’d rather have not toted around extra crap I was going to have to have a fee for thanks to flying and extra bags. (I forgot to charge them the fee at the end of the hotel stay… oops.) - But anyway, that doesn’t match.  At all.  She didn’t think she could print in time because, as I was told, she didn’t think paper and ink would get there in time… so then she orders paper and ink so we can print for her? That doesn’t make sense or really match the reason I was given.  If there is more context, I am unaware of it, but it’s really shitty for someone else’s (once again) ill-preparation to fall on my shoulders.  Why suggest me for printing? Why do that? Why try to use me, once again, without even asking if I would be okay with that? That’s so fucking upsetting.
Once again, saying no would have made me look tremendously shitty. It wasn’t really framed in a way that I could say no without it looking shitty. “Oh this person has such hard luck, they’re so down on things.. it’s their first con… it’s not a big deal, it’s just a few prints…” How am I even supposed to react? It makes me uncomfortable thinking about it, still. I don’t like making up for other people’s mistakes and errors.  Especially people who aren’t my friends, just friends of people I know.  They’re essentially a stranger then.
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Besides that?
Boy, the convention itself — meeting people who came up and complimented my art was fantastic, and I always love to get to talk with people, even if it drains me.  I am so sad that my mood was probably not as cheery this year as it could have been, for many reasons.  I hate giving off the impression that I don’t like talking to people who come by the table, but it’s hard when a bunch of petty stuff is happening around you, sucking out your life force.  It sounds a little exaggerated, probably, but just being around people being childish is really draining for me, and removes my ability to interact with people very well.  It sucks!
Being around Naki and Alice was really great, though.  Naki’s always the friend I can talk to, and Alice makes it impossible for me to stay annoyed for too long, since she’s such a goof.  I’m super grateful I had the pleasure of being around both of them at AX, and look forward to being around them later at future conventions or events. (Or maybe if they visit for conventions… hint… nudge…)
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I can’t spend too long talking about the few good parts just yet.
I’d like to talk a little about what a table helper is, and how I majorly messed up for Naki and Alice but how they took it in stride, anyway. I can’t even overstate how sorry I am for the experience that I caused for both of them.  I assured them I’d find helpers for both of them, when I should have just let them do it.  I thought Marl’s uncle’d be able to help for sure, but as I found out, he was dealing with his mom having major health issues (and Marl is away in San Diego right now because that person’s mom ended up dying last week).  So, that put a wrench in my plans.  This person would’ve been a great helper: help to sell, help to get food, go on errands without questioning it or saying it’s too difficult, etc… the type of person I would’ve loved to have had around, as he’s always in good cheer and is quite… helpful.
Back to ACEN for a little bit.
I offered Pengo to help sell at my table.  He immediately started talking about how his friend should come to AX and sell too and a bunch of other stuff, while this person was in the room.  This made me extremely uncomfortable, because the invitation was only extended to him, not his friend. It was not discussed with me. I did not want to sell someone else’s crap on my table which was already going to be super cramped and devoid of space.  I was really not happy that I tried to do something for someone and their first reaction was to use what I offered to give to other people.
That’s not how this works. When I’m friends with someone, I’m not friends with their friends.  I am not a resource for that person’s friends, and I am only a resource for my friends if they are considerate and understanding and kind to me about my feelings.
Regardless, I thought, “maybe this person can be a helper at someone else’s table,” since this person did indeed want to go to AX.  This way, they could go and see what it was like to sell, and get to help out some, and —
this is where I made a mistake, in assuming this person knew what “helper” meant.  As Pengo had been my helper at ACEN and I had let him sell some things, I guess it was assumed that that’s what a helper was.  This is very wrong, but I should have realized sooner that that was the thought process behind it.
Helpers generally go on errands, do things to make the table better, get food from somewhere not the concession, and so on.  I guess Pengo, never having done any of these things ever left because I let him sell with me, left the impression on the friend that helper was a code name for co-table owner.  It’s very much not.  By any means.
I found out that this person had said to Naki that I said to ask about selling at her table.  I never did any such thing (double checked to make sure of it), and once again felt a little annoyed about finding this out later.  If it’s framed in such a way that it looks like I’ve said for a person to ask my friend to do something, my friend will probably not question it if it doesn’t look too suspicious.  Selling at a table isn’t unreasonable if you’re doing things to help the 3 artists you’re staying with.  Like, getting food, going on errands to get missing things (I could have used some things I forgot), etc. Being a helper is taking on the burden of doing little errands.  Marl does it all the time when we sell together.  Runs to get food, goes to find items from a store, whatever I need.  Not having Marl, but instead having two people who couldn’t walk outside alone without getting upset ended up making it a rather painful trip.
Not making that mistake next year.  Marl’s name is already on the table with mine.  His help is irreplaceable.
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So… I apologize if you’ve been reading all of this and it seems a little jumbled.  It really is, because my mind wanders around from one issue to the next, surrounding all the bullshit from that weekend.
It’s so hard to deal with people who are adults but act like children still. I guess it’s mostly hard because I expect things that I just won’t get, so I’m going to be extremely disappointed.
Communication, for one.  I expect communication in all of my friendships, and I try to have it with people who I have any passing interest in talking to or dealing with.  I especially expect it in my relationships.  When a person just looks angry, mopes about, bitches without talking about the issue, and is generally unpleasant without explaining anything to me - I’m going to at first be concerned, and then be really fucking mad.  I don’t deserve shitty treatment like that, so I won’t take it.  Over the course of the weekend, I had to deal with random and bizarre mood swings over nothing, receiving no actual apologies about the thing that actually upset me.  Thanks, Pengo.
I vented on my vent blog about being upset that I was taking the brunt force of random mood swings.  What I ended up getting was a person upset that I vented about them even “knowing how they were” - as if I’m not allowed to vent about people who have problems and are causing me them? Knowing how someone is, knowing that they have issues and problems, that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with when it happens.  I just… *won’t* deal with it, because I shouldn’t have to.  If you want me to deal with it, you make the fucking effort of communicating to me why you’re upset and what about.  You don’t close off and act generally bitchy and pissy and moany and then get surprised to find I’ve been venting about your pissy diaper attitude.  I have absolutely 0 fucking patience for that childish bullshit, friend or not, boyfriend/girlfriend or not.  Upset that someone’s been venting about you being shitty to them? Don’t fucking be shitty to them. This is not a hard fucking concept.  Don’t get all upset about the wording of their post in regards to them feeling upset that you’ve been a gigantic douchewad to them.  That’s making up excuses, not apologizing, and it’s disgusting and pathetic.
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I am disappointed in myself for allowing a person to help who I didn’t personally consider a friend.  That was my mistake.  A huge mistake, and I’m sorry to both Naki and Alice for any trouble it caused them, or any annoyances they faced.
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I get a little baffled when people don’t offer to split a cost.  Every single cab ride, it was me, Naki, or Alice paying.  No mention of it from anyone else. Not even a “thanks for getting the cab fare guys, I’m tight on money.” What the fuck?
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Something that particularly got to me was Pengo’s attitude in regards to treating me like an idiot over both what customers were thinking and in regards to math and the cash box.
I spent a good few minutes trying to calmly explain a scenario where he was causing me to pay for his thing on accident, and I was being treated like a fucking idiot for not understanding how ~simple~ it was.
As it turns out, I was right, of course (I am very meticulous about the cash and math surrounding who I’m going to be paying and why), but I didn’t get an apology then.  Just a silent person.
Aside from that, I had to suffer through a pissy person for hours because people weren’t buying his things as much as mine because “they were in the wrong spot and people weren’t looking there” - so I let him rearrange them and surprise, things sold in the exact same way.
I also got to listen to “I TOLD you I was right, people didn’t buy (this one print) today because they weren’t seeing it.” when the reason people weren’t buying it is because they were buying my newest and best piece.  People buy the best pieces at the table the most.  They don’t buy older stuff as much even if it’s really good.  This is how it works. I’ve sold at enough conventions to know this.  I absolutely loathe people who don’t know what they are talking about treating me like a fucking moron when I’ve been doing it longer and better.
Let’s talk for a moment about his prices, too, and his friend’s, while we’re at it. Normally this might seem a little mean, but I’m pretty mad because, from what I could tell from Pengo’s bitching and moaning over the weekend, they were really upset over not selling better.  Prices are pretty relevant in this context.  Normally I get mad when people bitch about prices of others, but when someone I know is making me really unhappy partially because of their poor business sense, then I have to kind of talk about it.
Personally, I find it a little insulting to come to my table and try and sell things you’ve made in less than a couple of hours for the same price as work I’ve spent a good while on.  I work very hard on my stuff, and I try to be very thoughtful about it and about only making prints of the work I’ve tried my best on, or that I think people will like the most.  I enjoy it a lot.
Do you know what I don’t like?  Things being sold at my table that had minimal effort… for the same price.  I charge more than most people for my prints, and I don’t regret that.  We use very high quality paper, and I spend a long time on it.  I’m not upset if people don’t buy them.  If I get upset, though, it’s at myself for not having had some sort of foresight about the situation, and I take it upon myself to learn and try harder next time.  To learn what I did wrong, why the situation wasn’t in my favor.
It just feels really… well, insulting honestly was the best word, but that’s just for me, myself.  It feels insulting for a much less experienced artist who has less of an idea of what people will like, in general, selling for the same as I do. It’s really no surprise that I’m going to sell better - more people knowing me, having more stuff, more experienced art behind it…
It just feels really not self-aware to look at someone else who’s more experienced and go “yeah, I’m going to do what that person does,” and then get really upset when, shockingly, you can’t due to lack of experience.  It seems really… stupid, to blame the crowd, or the placement or anything else.  Yes, placement matters some, but Pengo’s most sold piece was actually our collaboration, which we split the money on.  That accounted for more than half of what he made.
He asked for a lot of prints.  A lot.  Like, more for one single image than I had brought of 3 of my select prints.  I advised against this, and my advice was not taken.
So he overstocked by far, overcharged, and then got upset the entire weekend over it.  Upset on top of other things.
His friend did the same thing, except this friend did not even have all of the prints she wanted of the final one because she did not buy enough ink for us to print more for her, so only some of it was made.
His friend was charging more than I was in every case, despite being way less known and not nearly as experienced.
I don’t like talking about people’s blunders a whole lot (I made many first convention blunders!), but what mostly shocked and confused me was how it seemed that everyone else was to blame.  Everyone else! Not them, those who overcharged and expected more for it.
Overcharging is relative, I think. On one hand, yes, it’s a print from a specific artist so it’s “impossible” to overcharge if it’s worth it to someone else… and I know I won’t drop on my prices because I know I can always sell them later.  So, I just won’t drop.  Things will sell if I don’t sell them at one con - and I don’t feel annoyed when people don’t want to spend an extra dollar, or five dollars, considering it “overcharging” - they can go get art from someone else and I won’t really care.
Pengo, on the other hand, seemed to falter at the first sign of people not buying things.  He wanted to lower the price on the large Lemongrab print (which I know for sure I can sell later), but not his own.  He was very, very concerned with that one selling for a few bucks cheaper, moreso than he was with reducing the price on his own.
I guess that left me a little speechless. I didn’t want to lower the price because there was honestly no need to - I sold out of almost every single one, and I had brought a fuckton.  He had many, many leftovers of his stuff, but he didn’t think about those being lowered?
I guess I’m still confused about that.  Was it a mixture of greed, naivety, and an idealized future? I understand all of those feelings, but it seems weird to ignore the reality that people weren’t buying - and the reason isn’t that something is wrong with people.  People can’t be “wrong” about not buying art.  That doesn’t… make sense.
Still, though, talking shit like you know what you’re doing when you clearly don’t (as we can see by print sales and button sales) is absolutely a shitty thing to do.
Anyway.
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Perhaps one of the things that made me maddest of the entire trip was hearing about the misrepresentation of a conversation that Naki, Alice and I had at dinner (which the friend also went to, but Pengo did not). Naki told the story of a guy who acted smug and confident, had a tiny dick, Naki gave it a shot anyway, but turns out the guy was terrible and bed and didn’t even try.
This story got misrepresented as the “small dick” mattering a whole lot and us laughing at the guy for that.  Which was then called cissexist by Pengo.
Let me back up a second and say that none of us, Alice Naki or I, would find someone making fun of dick sizes funny.  Besides it just not being funny at all by any stretch, it’s a shitty thing to do.
Instead of questioning this, Pengo took it as a truth about me and my character.  Despite supposedly knowing me, he believed this distorted truth, saying this friend “didn’t even know what the phrase [little dick] meant” - and later when it was revealed that he was wrong (by the friend), oops, I got a small apology.  Not something that was like “it was really wrong of me to think something like that without asking first, I should’ve known that wasn’t like you,” just “oh turns out you were right, my bad”.  It’s a really shitty thing to accuse someone of being discriminatory … especially when it’s an entirely false account of something that happened.  To just be like “oh haha my bad!!!” instead of actually questioning yourself for going through with accusing someone of something so shitty? What the fuck, seriously?
I guess what I realized is that I can’t talk to people who will jump to the first conclusion that sounds the worst about something that happened.  It’s too stressful.  Where’s the communication? Why did he not go “did you laugh at someone having a small dick?” instead of making a stupid vague post about how “some friends laughed at a cissexist joke”?
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He was supposed to visit right after AX.
His friend wasn’t helpful at Naki’s table, so she got kicked off on the final day.
I also realized that Pengo does something that I recognized from being around my mom and sister, who both have weird personality disorders.  They get upset easily, jump to conclusions, twist events in their mind.  He did all of this and more.  It was really like being home again, except that instead of blowing up at me, he didn’t talk to me.
One thing I did recognize, though, was how distorted reality is for him.  Hearing him give an account of something that two or more people could give an entirely different, but same, account of was… really… I don’t know.  I don’t even know how to classify that. It was like he was in an entirely different reality, honestly.  The distorted one.
There are a few situations I could talk about, but just don’t feel like going into detail over. I mostly watched it all play out. To hear about how he perceived things vs how they actually were and happened was something incredible, and made me realize we could never talk unless he got better and got over his problems and grew up.  (I don’t see that happening with his current friends, as my personal opinion. But what do I know?) I thought he was more mature, but it turns out he just has had to grow up in an entirely different way from me. He’s not really an adult, but a child, and I can’t be in friendships (or anything else) with children who look to have no future and who can’t do things for themselves.
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It makes me terribly sad, of course.  I’ve had enough crying, enough of everything else.
I guess the most telling sign of how what I did means naught is how he’s treated the gift Vee got him.
Vee got a new laptop for Pengo which was supposed to be his present while he visited.  It was just mailed off, instead.  I’ve stopped reading anything to do with him, but Vee told me the extent of Pengo mentioning this has been to bitch about the super brand new laptop (which is better than half the computers in this house).  Isn’t that incredible?
I made a terrible mistake, and thought I had found someone to trust and enjoy the company of.  Instead, I had found an unappreciative kid who really didn’t give a shit that we had to part ways.  It just meant he didn’t have to deal with talking to someone he was a shithead to, or apologizing for the actual issues at hand.  He complained that it felt like anything he said I would just say “that’s not how it happened” so what was the point of him talking… and to that, I was thinking, why are you so concerned with that? Why aren’t you instead thinking “okay, so how DID it happen? because I remember all of this wrong”- he wasn’t remotely interested in knowing what he did wrong or why or how, he was just upset to even talk if it felt like he would say everything wrong.  That hardly even makes sense. If you’re truly interested in getting better and learning where you were shitty, you could start by accepting the fact that you continually acted pretty unreasonable and have an entirely different set of events in your head. You could… not give excuses.
That’s how I see it, anyway.
To top it off, at the end, he told me that he didn’t like when people acted like he was the only one who needed to improve because it reminded him of his unstable ex. He said that it couldn’t be just him, that it also had to be me trying to be better too, etc…
Normally I wouldn’t have a problem with some statement like this.  Something like, “I’ll try really hard not to do these things, but you try hard to be patient and remind me if I’m doing something unreasonable” - that would be fine.
But to essentially say, “I’ll try but you need to try also because I can’t be friends with people who just tell me I’m the problem and that’s how I got into an abusive situation and-“
This is all wrong.  This is all messed up.  If I am sitting talking about where you have wronged me, you don’t go saying that I also have problems.  You either accept that you fucked up, say you’ll try not to again (and asking for, but not demanding, assistance is fine)… or you just don’t even say anything.  Mike did this SAME BULLSHIT where he inSISTED that where he might have problems, I definitely did too, and blah blah don’t you dare think everything is just fine with you PK, we both have problems and both messed up…
And maybe, maybe I’d have been able to accept what Pengo said IF I HAD MESSED UP AT ALL OR DONE ANYTHING OUTRAGEOUS OR INSANE OR OTHERWISE COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE. Just to hear “oh yeah ok I’ll try but you definitely need to try too” makes no fucking sense if I didn’t actually do anything mean or shitty or inconsiderate.  I already try hard not to do these things, and I already apologize when I realize I have.  I was considerate to them the whole fucking time and did things I didn’t even want to do.  Marl and I did all the prep for Pengo and his friend for the con, I got the hotel room myself, I arranged for us to have a way to the hotel, I did a bunch of stuff to even make it possible, I tried my very fucking best to not yell or raise my voice ONCE (do you even have any idea how hard that is for me?) even when he was being utterly nuts… because I was trying to be considerate.
My two errors were: making the vent post where he could read it, and allowing his friend to stay with us and help.  And neither of those were a wrongdoing against him.
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I’ve been stewing over this crap for weeks as I work on my newer, other projects.  I am disappointed in myself for having once again been tricked into thinking someone was good friend material.  Going above and beyond for someone who’d rather just put me to the side because he fucked up, and because it’s easier to talk to people who you don’t have to apologize to, I guess? I don’t really know why else.  It feels cowardly.
I don’t know what the hell was going on through his head, and I’m sure I haven’t gotten half of it right, but I can only give off the impressions that I (and others) shared.  The impressions that most people would be right about.  It’s harder when you’re dealing with unpredictable people who do things that just don’t make any sense, I guess.  For instance, being super upset that someone placed a pizza box on top of your drink in the fridge and making the whole room fall into awkward silence.  Not even realizing that you’re making everyone uncomfortable.  That sort of nonsense.
Not being thankful for anything anyone has done or gotten, or not showing it at all.  Showing the opposite!
All in all, I have to not be spiteful.  I just have to try not to make a mistake like this again. Being malicious does no good.
I just have to talk about when people do shit that makes me so agitated that I keep thinking about it for weeks.
I don’t ever actually expect any real apology or effort on his behalf to ever make any sort of amends; the attempt he made a week after the convention was muddled and full of excuses for his behavior and defensive action, where it should’ve been acceptance of the shitty things he did.  I understand that his ex used to go on about stuff he did and make him feel bad over it, but these were legit fucking things he did and I wasn’t actually in the wrong for any of it - his apology was tinged with the feeling that I Had Things To Learn still, about whatever the fuck new thing tumblr wants to make people feel bad for today.  I don’t know.
It felt like a “sorry that you were mad,” not a “sorry about all of these things I fucked up” - something I can only say because of him defending getting upset over my vent post about him treating me shittily. You can’t both at once defend being upset over something unreasonable AND ALSO apologize.  That doesn’t make sense, and it renders the apology worthless.
I pretty much regret having paid half of his plane ticket fare to visit here.  What a waste.  Of course, he didn’t bother telling me he got that changed until the very end, nor did he discuss anything with me one-on-one.  Haha, communication?  Boy, that’d be really crazy to expect!
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It was only a good weekend for being able to see Naki and Alice, and it only solidified my trust in them and my friendship with them.  I’m so sorry, you two, for the trouble of that weekend.  It’ll be much more awesome next AX.