here, i guess i'll give my full side of the drama from over a year ago

>start talking to cheska from a steam friend thread
>wasn't even the type of person to get involved in internet relationships
>she was pre-hrt at the time, and i was confused and questioning my sexual orientation
>we stayed up talking all night one night, she convinced me i was in love
>a week later she has a fling with someone else, don't find out about it until i notice heart comments from another guy on her profile
>she acts like she wasn't leading me on, talking about going off and living together in the middle of nowhere, keep in mind that was in the first week of talking
>christmas time comes around and the guy dumps her right before the holidays, she comes to me crying and i comfort her
>she wants to visit around new years but it didn't work out so it was a few days later
>we visit, she's extremely awkward, i'm trying to get her to open up by starting every conversation and making an effort for it not to be awkward
>she gets home and doesn't say a word to me for the entire day
>i figure i guess that's it and that she didn't like me and delete her, upset but dealing with it
>about a month later i see her posting on /v/ about not being able to find anyone stable enough to have a relationship with
>i get upset and reply saying "you had me", she adds me back within a few minutes
>asks why i deleted her, i said i figured the meetup was too awkward and she didn't like me
>anyway we get back together and we're fine for a month, she keeps saying she has to visit her family every week which  i think is weird but i'm fine with
>one day i get an add on steam from a guy who lives in her town, asks me where cheska is
>i ask who wants to know and he said "her boyfriend"
>we get her in a group chat and confront her, ask her who she wants to be with
>she ends up choosing me and telling me she'd never cheat on me again
>we start visiting eachother once a month for a while, i get her a few things here and there
>she takes "private" pictures for me wearing clothes i get her while we're apart
>find out she was showing them to nearly 3/4 of her friends list, said she was just looking for advice, get a little upset
>eventually she starts asking me to help with her hormones, it's like $30 a month so i don't care
>the whole time i'm getting a little jealous of her transitioning, but she keeps reinforcing how lucky she is that she's asian and how white transgirls don't pass that well
>start to give up hope and repress a little harder, i need to be a man in her life because i love her and i need to support her
>eventually get a job so it makes visits easier, she starts visiting once a week
>we start to get less and less into eachother physically, she just cares about video games at that point
>she'd spend hours mindlessly playing clicker heroes, then moved on to heroes of the storm at the start of 2015
>start to get a little worn out in our relationship because nothing sexual is going on for entire weeks at a time, i'm working most of the week and my days off she just clicks away at heroes of the storm
>she gets frustrated at the game sometimes, ends up breaking my chair, my fan, keyboard and mouse
>i try to calm her down by holding her and she would thrust her head back and headbutt me, punch me, kick me
>at this point she'd threaten to kill herself often and said she'd do it by 25 if not at that moment, kept asking me to make a suicide pact with her
>i just try to be supportive and calm her down, she ends up whipping a knife at me and cutting my finger
>at this point i'm getting tired of our relationship, tired of everything, starting to feel a little  careless and suicidal myself
>come out to her multiple times and tell her i want to transition, i'm tired of being a man and being a support figure and that she would have to support me too
>she kept questioning me like if i really want to do it, telling me i'll look like a freak if i do, saying i don't have the body structure and discouraging me
>at this point i've lost all faith in our relationship as it just boiled down to her coming over and playing video games and asking for money for things
>i start reaching out on /soc/ for guys, i needed someone to support me and i wanted to leave that relationship
>see her talking about meeting up with someone on /mtfg/ which i had been going to on my own for figuring myself out around late 2014 as well as not trusting her and looking for a reason to break off our relationship
>start getting upset at the fact that someone who relied on me and confided in me for that long would leave me just like that, not looking at the full picture and just getting overly emotional
>she goes and runs off with sophie, i'm a wreck at this point because i hadn't heard from her in days and thought she died, have to figure it out through reading the thread
>end up calling her, she tells me over the phone she's running off and not to contact her again
>start to get angry at this point because i paid thousands of dollars towards her transition just for her to use me and dump me just like that when it could have been my transition, she left me about $700 to my name after a year of working
>start posting bad pictures of her on /mtfg/ because i didn't want her to get away thinking there wouldn't be reprecussions for just dumping me without saying a word, trying to get back at her for using me
>starting to lose my self worth, working a shitty job with no purpose, thinking i'm too much of a coward to start transitioning just to end up like a freak like cheska told me
>tried to kill myself by jumping in front of a train arriving at the station, it had slowed down a bit and i was jumping off the platform into it so it only knocked me back
>went to the hospital just to get told everything was fine, went back to my house the next morning
>cheska tries to talk to me again, i forgive her like an idiot because my life felt so useless at that point
>she comes to visit, asks me to take her out to dinner, we go to the deli and get 2 subs for later
>she goes up and talks with my mom, tells her i tried to kill myself and to watch out for me trying to kill myself again, takes the subs and everything she had left at my house and leaves, removing me again from her life after she left to go back with sophie
>ended up trying to get involved with /mtfg/ after a year or so of lurking, realizing afterwards i hadn't made a good impression after badmouthing cheska and posting about jumping in front of a train, keep on trying anyway
>started self medding because i was too nervous and shooken up about everything to go down to the informed consent clinic
>desperate for some sort of hand to reach out and help or support me i start talking to jocelyn because we had common interests, similar music taste and got along seemingly well
>we talked for like a week or so before deciding to meet up, the entire time she was showing me very selective close photos
>anyway we meet up and she wasn't at all what i expected, she said she was 5'10 when she was past 6 foot tall, she hadn't worked on her girl voice at all and she smoked a lot
>i try to deal with it, i brought her out to NYC so i didn't want to leave her alone because she mentioned she was afraid of being left in the city
>we go out to dinner, she's quiet nearly the entire time so i have to break the ice as usual, trying to find stuff in common to talk about but it's getting difficult
>she takes a really bad picture of me and posted it on /mtfg/, she said she thinks it looks good so i didn't bother asking her to see because i trusted her
>at this point i kind of want to send her home because she's bumming cigs off of everyone we walk by and it's getting too awkward for me, start getting quiet
>she asks what i wanna do next so i told her i wanna go home and sleep, "or you can suck my dick when we get back if you want"
>a badly worded 4chan-like joke but whatever, i didn't really care about making a good impression at this point because it felt like a waste of time and i was too tired to keep breaking the awkward silence
>start crying on the train because i was missing how things used to be, also the spiro dosage was starting to affect me emotionally
>we get back to my place and go down to the basement i had to move into, still like half unfinished and boxes everywhere
>ask her where she wants to sleep and she said the couch
>i asked "are you sure, you could have my bed if you want"
>she thinks i mean to sleep with her in my bed so she leaves saying she has someone else to stay with
>i start getting upset because i feel like it'll never be able to find someone to replace the hole in my heart left by cheska
>sad-posting on /mtfg/, jocelyn is silent
>kari starts accusing me of being a rapist and jocelyn being silent makes everyone start believing it
>jocelyn starts adding people on skype to tell them not to trust me
>i take on and off breaks from /mtfg/, hoping it'll blow over because it wasn't that big of a deal to me
>after clearing the air with a few people i trusted and some time for people to figure out jocelyn isn't such a nice person, i finally get to open up a bit

that was late 2013 to the end of 2015 for me

since then i had been in a really good relationship with grace, she was the hand reaching out that i needed and she helped me overcome why i was upset and come to terms with a lot of things that i felt were impossible to get off my chest

then i met my boyfriend, we had an amazing date in the city and now i'm moved in with his family, he's dependable and will protect me at any cost and i've finally figured out who i am as a person and much happier than what i was

if i left anything out that you may have questions about let me know, but that's as much as i can remember right now