Lilly Route: Conflict 2-15: Gloves Off

The day starts out fairly normally since I arrived at Shizune's home a week ago; I'm up early, I bid good morning to Hideaki in the living room and head out for my jog. I've been making good time and sticking to such a rigid schedule has got me feeling pretty good about myself. It seems I get done with my morning tasks a little faster each day, which leaves more time for me and Lilly to share.

I'm eager to get out of the house as soon as I can. Last night was almost like a sick form of torture; Jigoro had prepared a big dinner which we all sat down to enjoy but the main attraction wasn't the delicious food he prepared but the fencing match of words he and Mr. Satou seem to think has to go along with every one of their meetings. They sat at opposite ends of the table throwing barbed phrases at each other under a thin shroud of civility while we all sat and tried to enjoy the meal. I'm getting sick of the two of them and what had initially been my attempts to be courteous and respectful in Jigoro's home only seems to turn on me in unexpected ways. I've been getting dragged between the two of them as just another point of argument for them to bicker over. When it comes to those two, silence seems to be golden and I've come to a conclusion about both Mr. Satou and Jigoro; they're both jerks.

My laps at the park complete, I sneak back upstairs, doing my best to avoid getting spotting by anyone. If Shizune or Misha see me, they may try and drag me into town to help them shop again or get into some other caper of theirs, not what I want to do after I already spent the morning exercising. Truthfully, I didn't come here to spend time with the two of them. One thing is sure though, Mr. Satou is more than happy to sabotage my attempts to spend time with Lilly, either by his mere presence or by manipulating Jigoro or one of the other guests in the house into doing it for him. Whether it's convincing Jigoro that I desperately need to be shown another part of his dumb collection of junk or wrangling some group activity with Shizune and Misha to occupy me with, he seems to be everywhere at once with a new attempt to put some distance between me and Lilly. The only time I'm guaranteed to get her alone is either right after my morning run or late at night when other people have gone to sleep and the house is silent enough for us to have a quite conversation before heading to bed.

Still in separate rooms, of course.

I know I shouldn't put such a big focus on the fact that Lilly and I haven't been together for a while, since that seems so superficial to me, but it's difficult to adjust to such a sudden change in habits. Before all of this business started she and I had so much freedom to do as we wished. We never wanted for time alone and Lilly was always the one who seemed to take the initiative in our relationship. It seemed that the only thing that distracted us from spending time with one another were our separate classes. Sometime I wonder if she and I would have coped as well as we did during exams if we had been in the same classroom. Before it was simple distractions, but now Lilly seems to actively avoid us being together or letting us get into situations where the possibility of us being alone might occur. The crowded nature of the house is only part of it, I'm certain most of it is her father's presence. Even having him in the country had put a dampener on our usual habits, having him in the same house seems to have put a total moratorium on anything even slightly related to physical contact between us.

Not that she is behaving cold or anything, as she's always taking me by the hand or the arm or sharing a kiss so long as no one is around. She's been strangely more affectionate lately despite the bumps in our relationship, perhaps as a way to make up for it. Her worry about what others think, especially her family, has me somewhat concerned. She was careful around Yamaku, but she never seemed to worry about judgment that much, though we had the safety of our dorms and our own privacy to keep our affairs private. Her worries over keeping up appearances has been exaggerated since this whole situation began. I have the patience to wait it out until things between us can return to the normal and comfortable status we used to share. I know it hasn't been easy for her either, but by silent agreement, we've been keeping ourselves occupied. With Lilly as the driving force for our physical relationship before this point, I think she's having a harder time of it than I am, though she would never admit to it in a million years. It's all for the best, I guess; if she and I were being as active as were were while at Yamaku I may not have the energy to go for even a short run in the morning. Admittedly, I would prefer to sleep in late with her then get up an hour or two early just for to exercise.

I put that out of my thoughts for now. After being separated after getting out of the hospital for so long, just being near each other is enough for me. The time we have, whatever form it takes, is precious.

I slip upstairs unseen, the sounds of the house still muffled by the early morning hours. About this time, Shizune and Misha are getting ready for whatever activity they have planned for the day, Hideaki would still be watching television in the living room and Jigoro would be in the middle of his normal two hours of bathroom time where all use of hot water in the house are prohibited and heaven forbid you disrupt his careful grooming schedule. Mr. Satou though is the wild card. I haven't been able to get his schedule down, so he could be doing anything, though early in the morning he seems to spend most of the time looking for something that Akira did wrong.

I wince at the thought. Akira has been in and out of the house so much I can't keep track of her either. I'm not sure whether she's doing errands for work that her father sends her on or just avoiding the house at all costs but I hardly see her during the day and she only gets back late at night looking exhausted and strung out. Lilly has tried to get her to talk about it a couple times, but the elder Satou gives her the two of us a tired grin and tells us not to worry. I don't think since we arrived here Akira has had a minute alone without her father close behind with something she has to do or some criticism about what she just did. It's like watching her get broken down time and time again but it never seems to get to her, though her frustration is clear. She just rolls with it and lets everything slide, trying not to drag me and Lilly in between herself and her father sometimes even putting herself between him and us as a human shield so Lilly and I can be spared his attention.

The more I see of it, the more aware how differently Mr. Satou treats his daughters I become. Lilly gets all of his good attention, his awareness of her is overindulgent while Akira is treated as little more than an employee, not even a favored one, but just a grunt who can't perform up to standards and is this close to being fired. I've thought of speaking up a couple times in her defense but my sense of caution or a quick glance from Akira herself keeps me from challenging Mr. Satou on the subject. I just shut my mouth and let him continue belittling her while she keeps a neutral expression and absorbs it. The only time she's spared her father's blunt and poor opinion of her is when Lilly intervenes but that works less than half the time. The worst occurrences are when Lilly is there and Mr. Satou doesn't seem to care. I can see Lilly start to shrivel from her father's harsh words until the point where Lilly has to physically leave before she hears anything more. Which just makes it worse when Mr. Satou blames Akira for making Lilly upset. Yet no matter what he says or does, Lilly keeps making excuses for him after the fact.

I have come to the conclusion that leaving Japan was the best thing Mr. Satou could have done for his daughters. I wish someone had the courage to tell him that to his face.

Upstairs is empty so I make my way down the hall and it's many doors, past my own room which I've been adapting to at much the same speed I did at Yamaku. Sleeping in new places is becoming a habit I'm getting used to. Familiar noise draws my attention to Lilly's door and I recognize it as the sound of her music box playing through the walls, a welcome sign that calls me in. Just yesterday while Shizune and Misha dragged me into town, I saw a tea shop I wanted to ask Lilly to accompany me so we could spend some time out and about and get away from the Hakamichi house with one another, a chance for us to spend some quality time together, our first real date since this all began.

I knock once before I open the door to enter, comfortable as I am entering Lilly's room.

Lilly's room is surprisingly like mine, one of the extra rooms in the house. It's rather spare in furnishings, but it's no more lavish than Yamaku is with everything near to the wall and the open space in the center clear of clutter or items to cause a trip. A few small stacks of familiar looking books are set here and there and a few travel suitcases of clothes are still in a half packed state, mementos of Lilly's almost departure as well as her hesitancy to do anything today when it could be done at a later, more convenient date.

The music box plays, but it isn't Lilly who has started it.

I'm disappointed to find Mr. Satou in Lilly's room like something out of a bad dream where every door I open has something horrible behind it. He wears a silver, silk suit with matching tie, complimenting the grey in his hair. He seems just as surprised to see me but that quickly turns to a disapproving glare. "Hasn't anyone told you to knock before entering a young lady's room?

"I did knock," I say, in weak defense.
"Not nearly enough, you should have waited for permission. What if Lillian had been in here in some indecent state?"
I don't tell him what first comes to mind to save my skin, I only apologize for the intrusion. "When I heard the music box, I thought it was Lilly in here."
"This trinket? I was waiting for Lillian to return and my curiosity got the better of me. I wondered where she had gotten it. It doesn't seem like the thing she would pick out for herself."
"I bought it for her."
"Did you?" He turns it over in his hands, the notes continuing to play. "For what purpose?"

"None, really. We were out shopping and I saw it in a store. I picked it up for no real reason, it just struck me. I gave it to Lilly a little while later. She seemed really nervous about visiting Scotland so I thought it would cheer her up."

"Nervous? Whatever for? What reason would she have to be worried about visiting her family?"
"Maybe because she hadn't seen you in a long time? Meeting after that much time would make anyone nervous."
The way I say it must be testy because he stops looking at the music box and turns his eyes on me. "I didn't realize you were such an expert on my family. My absence was unavoidable, what else could have been done?"
I shrug. "Maybe you could have brought Lilly with you to Scotland? You had no problem bringing Akira."
"Lilly was meant to attend Yamaku, there is no other school like it in Scotland. That was always the plan."
"Plans change, don't they? The plan was for Lilly to move to Scotland just a few weeks ago, but that changed, did it?"

Mr. Satou looks amused by my tone. "Goodness! Where did all of this sass come from?"
I feel slightly put off so I just shrug casually. "I haven't had my tea this morning, I can be sassy."
"And intolerable at that."

He sets the music box down, but he does it too hard for my taste. I don't like him touching it. It's only meant for Lilly, other people shouldn't be allowed to handle it like that. It's meant for her graceful hands, her delicate way of holding it. It isn't meant to be treated like he does, casually picked up and inspected with his rough, large hands and set down without any regard for it's delicacy.

I don't want him to touch it again.

He takes a few steps towards me. "At least we're being honest with how we feel about each other now, aren't we?" He must see my look after he set down the music box because he looks at it momentarily then turns back at me. "Cute, though cheap. It wouldn't be the first time a young man tried to buy a young ladies affections."

"Or the first time a father was possessive over her?"

I'm annoyed by him enough to speak my mind. I came up here to see Lilly and finding him and his attitude is enough to push me towards the end of my patience. The way he tried to manipulate me into doubting Lilly is at the forefront of my mind. I hate how he tried to twist me into little knots, made me think Lilly wasn't being honest about how she was feeling on staying in Japan or how she regarded her family's customs. He tried to make me think she was hiding something from me again, that what we had wasn't worth his time, that our relationship wasn't something to be taken seriously.

I want to make him pay for that but I don't know how other than matching his level of pettiness. I hate how he looked down on me because I want to be a teacher, I hate the way he's treated Akira, someone I respect, and I especially hate the way he mocks me because I'm not from a rich family or because I don't meet his standards. After watching him and Jigoro go at it a few times, I guess I've picked up on the best way to fight back. Maybe even spending time with Shizune and Emi has given me a little more spine than I used to have.

My last comment must startle him because it's a long moment before he has a comeback which comes in the form of the head of his cane lightly jabbing me in the shoulder. The skin isn't tender anymore from the first time he did it at Yamaku but I don't back down, not letting him see me flinch. That only causes him to do it a second time, harder. "Watch your mouth, son. It's too early to start a fight you can't finish.”

“Thankfully, I'm not your son. I've seen how you treat your daughters. I just wanted to thank you."
"What for? I don't recall doing you any favors. If I have, I regret it wholeheartedly."

His last sentence is said with unnecessary enunciation but I don't take the bait. "I just wanted to thank you for bringing up all of those things about Lilly and me, your concerns about our relationship. She and I had a very long talk and we worked out all the details."
"Did you now?"
"Yes, it was very productive. I think Lilly and I are more on the same page than we have been for a while. Thank you for letting me know about any problems we might have in the future, but I'm happy to say that we've talked about them and you don't need to concern yourself over us anymore."
"I have very grave concerns about you and my daughter, Nakai, and they won't be put to rest any time soon, I assure you."
"You don't need to be so worried, but it is nice that you pay so much attention to Lilly. I hadn't expected that from you."
"Why wouldn't I be attentive to my daughter?"
"It just surprises me that that after six years away that you've devoted so much time to her. You're such a busy man."
"I would give up anything for my daughters."
"But not a promotion to Scotland, I guess?"

That pissed him off. His neck turns an angry shade of red and I can hear the grip on his cane tighten. "I have devoted my life to making sure my daughters are well provided for and taken care of. Every detail has been planned for their benefit. I do not need the criticism of a child who is unable to look past his own nose to know that everything I have done has been for them. Lillian's future was secure until you blundered into her life and ruined everything for her with your deceptive interference."

"I have never once in my life lied to Lilly or tried to deceive her. I may have worried about telling her the truth, but I always have been honest. You don't know me and you don't have the right to judge me."

"You are correct, Nakai, I do not know you. That is precisely why I judge you so harshly.”
“Then instead of being so hostile, why don't we just try and get to know each other, try and get along?”
“I have no desire to pretend anything just for your benefit. You are an unknown in what has been a carefully laid plan for Lillian's life. You say you have never lied to Lillian but your deception has been constant even if you don't think of it as such. You've filled my daughter's head with lies about what you can offer her, the happiness you claim she'll have with you. All lies built upon your assumption that a life here in Japan will offer her better than what her mother and I can provide for her. Lillian would be in Scotland happy with her family this very moment if you hadn't deceived her into thinking she still had a life here with you."
"Mr. Satou, Lilly does have a life here. All her friends are here, her career is here. All you can offer her is a life she knows nothing about in a place she doesn't know."
"Any life she could build here would be without foundation. Her life and her family is with her mother and I in Scotland, not here. Certainly not with you."
"Lilly and I would be there for each other. We'd be each others foundation."
"A temporary and unstable structure it would be, liable to collapse at any time."
"Do you really have that little confidence in how we feel about each other? After everything she and I have done for one another? She was willing to give up a life with you in Scotland for me, doesn't that give you an idea of how serious we are?"
"That only shows the depths to which you've manipulated her, convincing her she has a possibility of leading a full life with you here."
"I've done more for her in the past few months than you have the last several years. I put myself in the hospital for her!"
He rolls his eyes. "It takes you an awful long time, but eventually you get to the core of the issue, don't you?"
"What are you talking about?"

With a sigh of exasperation, Mr. Satou takes on a paternal and pandering tone of voice, explaining things to me in a very slow and deliberate manner and leaning down to face me directly like I was a child. "My Lillian has her whole life ahead of her, a life of comfort and privilege. Even if you worked every day you have left on this world, you would never be able to provide for her even a fraction of what she would have with her mother and I, certainly not with your low ambition of being nothing more than a teacher. You have neither the drive nor the opportunity to make a life that would be worthy of her. Your deception of my daughter is that you have convinced her that the two of you have a life together, here or anywhere. The truth is, Hisao Nakai, you cannot guarantee my daughter a full and happy life any more than you can guarantee that for yourself. How selfish can one boy be?"

 Since the moment we first met, Mr. Satou has looked down on me like I was some form of lesser life and unworthy of even being scrapped off of his shoe. The looks he kept giving me, the disdainful remarks and the doubts he has for my feelings towards Lilly, I've gotten it all wrong. He doesn't think that Lilly and I have no future together because our relationship is nothing more than a high school fling.

He doesn't think I have what it takes to make Lilly happy because he thinks of the long term.

He planned from the moment Lilly was born to send her to Yamaku, he ingratiated himself with the school to accomplish that. He knew when he accepted his promotion to Scotland that he would be calling Lilly there after she graduated but only revealed that to her when the timing was right for him. Akira told me he was a planner and that he hated when his plans were interrupted. He thinks Lilly and I have no future because he doesn't see any future of hers that involves me. He doesn't think I'll be there for her, not for lack of trying, but because I'll be gone.

His comments and mocking attitude towards my condition, makes perfect sense now. "You don't think I can make Lilly happy because I might not live as long as she will?"

He regards me with an sympathetic look but it's more insulting than anything he's said to me up to this point. "I only want what is best for my daughter. That's not you."

“You...,” it takes me a while to stomach the words I need to say and confront him. “You don't like me because I'm disabled?”

He holds a finger up, as if to silence me. “No. You purposefully mistake my meaning, young man. My daughter has a condition, and that breaks my heart every day. I know she has limitations despite her best efforts and my hopes for her. My daughter though will live a long and, if I have my way, happy life. You on the other hand have a very serious medical condition that virtually guarantees that you will not. You need to understand this from my perspective; everything I have ever done has been for my daughter. I chose what I knew to be best for her, even though it was painful for me and her mother to do so. We would have much preferred to bring her with us to Scotland, but I knew that, for the sake of her future, she would need to attend a school that would give her the experience and care she needed. I promised myself that I would make it up to her one day and you are getting in the way of that. If you really cared about Lillian you would see the sense of what I'm saying.”

“No matter how noble you try to make it sound, you don't have the right to object to us being together because I have a heart condition!”
“That is an absurdity, I have never stated that.”
“What if I was perfectly healthy? How would you feel about me then?”

He makes a sour expression but tries to hide it. “That still wouldn't change the fact that you're in the way of Lilly's happiness with her mother and I.”
“She happy here already. Don't deny it to me now; if there was nothing wrong with me, if I was perfectly healthy, would you be this dead set against me and Lilly being together?”
“There would still be the matter of her staying in Japan.”
“You would understand though, right? Why she would be so hesitant to leave me behind?”
“I would... understand her attachment to you, but I would still not approve of it.”
“That's just you being a father. The fact still remains, you don't like me because of my heart.”
“God forbid I would want to spare my daughter the pain of losing someone she loves at such a young age. If I'm guilty of anything, it's protecting her from you.”

I step away from him because I need air and I can't stand being so close to him. I could have handled his anger towards me if it was because I was some just guy dating his daughter, I would have understood if it was because she chose me over her family and I would have been okay with it because we were too young or any other of a hundred different reasons why a father would disapprove of his daughter's relationship. Anything would have been okay and I could have tolerated it, but this? He doesn't want Lilly and I together because of my condition? Because I might die before her? Is planning out Lilly's life so important that he can't tolerate the uncertainty of my condition? I take a few deep breaths to alleviate the tightness in my chest, my heart pounding in my ears, not from overexertion but anger; red hot and sickening. It feels like when Emi said I would be dead at thirty.

Is this what it's like in the real world, outside of Yamaku? Am I going to have to spend the rest of my life dealing with people like this if they find out about my condition? At school we all had our own issues but we were all on the same side, we all had something about us that was out of the norm. I never spent any time in the 'real world' after learning about my heart, I went from the hospital straight to Yamaku. Am I going to be the outsider for the rest of my life?

I remember how everyone looked at me from my old class before they stopped visiting. I remember how my parents treated me after they learned about my heart, afraid to touch me or raise their voices in my presence. I remember Iwanako's silence and her distance from me even while she sat next to my bed.

The mixture of pity and disdain was a new experience for me.
That is not something I will ever accept.

I turn back to face Mr. Satou head on and for the first time, I see him as he really is; an angry, controlling, narrow-minded and abusive man.

The whole rest of my life, I will never be able to see him as anything beyond that.

“I'm actually grateful.”
He cocks on eyebrow. “About what?”
“I'm grateful that you planned for Lilly to go to Yamaku. You were right about that; not only did I get to meet her thanks to you, but growing up away from you was the best thing you could have done for her. I'm happy she didn't have you in her life. She deserves better than you.”

He's on me faster than I could have expected; in one smooth motion he puts the head of his cane under my chin and grabs a fistful of my shirt, nearly lifting me off the ground. My back thumps against the wall and I have to catch my breath. His movement knocks Lilly's music box off the nightstand and it falls open, filling the air with it's gentle tune.

I know I couldn't do anything to him but my fist closes tightly and I might be able to kick him between the legs if I'm lucky.

He looks like he's about to tear my head off or at least chew my eyes out when, thankfully, a fumbling sound at the door causes both of us to go perfectly still.

At the same time the door opens, he puts me down and takes a step away. I land on my feet with shaky knees, but manage to stay standing, my heart pounding like a drum from the rush of adrenaline.

The door opens and Lilly stands in the frame for a moment, hand hovering over the door handle, a cautious look on her face. The whole tone of the room changes, covered up like a corpse with a blanket thrown over it. She seems unsure for a moment, unwilling to enter with just the sound of the music box playing.

“Hello?” she calls out.
Both me and Mr. Satou rush to reply, but he gets the runaround me. “Good morning, Lillian,” he says, straightening his tie after it got pulled aside by his rush at me. “We're sorry for intruding, it's only Hisao and I.”

Lilly seems surprised and a little pleased, but still concerned about the odd atmosphere she's just walked into. “I heard raised voices....”

Mr. Satou cuts me off a second time. “Hisao and I were just having a discussion. We ran into each other on our way to find you. Isn't that right, Hisao?”

I'm shocked he's just thrown the ball of the conversation my way considering he nearly throttled me by my neck just a few seconds ago. For his part he looks perfectly at ease while I'm still catching my breath.

So this is how it's going to be? We pretend everything is fine when Lilly is around in between shouting matches and him throwing me around?

I could easily tell Lilly all about what just happened, about what her father just said and did to me. Truthfully, I don't know why I don't. Whether what just happened is so shocking I haven't fully processed it yet or I don't want to upset her or that I don't believe it myself, I'm not sure. When I do speak, though, it's like the words are put there for me and I play by the script. I just smile grimly at Mr. Satou and the game we're playing. “That's right, I was looking for you. Your father and I were just talking. We've been getting to know each other much better.”

Hiroyuki Satou flinches and it's possibly the most satisfying thing I've ever seen.

I lean down and pick up the music box, feeling slightly woozy as I do. I'm glad I've been taking so much care with my medicine, that knock against my back was enough that if I hadn't been taking my pills, a little headache would be the least of my problems.

I clap the lid shut softly and bring it to Lilly, putting it in her hands. She takes it, but wraps her fingers tightly around mine and holds on. “Hisao, are you all right? Your fingers are so cold....”

I force a smile and try to put it in my voice for her to hear. “I'm all right. Just still a little tired.”

“I must admit, Hisao, you do look a little pale,” Mr. Satou says with paternal kindness. “Are you certain you haven't been overdoing it a little with your morning runs?”

Lilly seems surprised and latches onto the fact I had been running. “You were exercising? Why didn't you say something?”
“Lilly, I don't need to be watched over like a child, I'm fine.”
“You said that you would tell me whenever you were going out.”
“You were still sleeping and I wanted to get an early start to the day.”
“You should have woken me...”
I don't know whether it's because of Lilly's concern or my own frustration over her insistence on keeping tabs on me no matter what I'm doing, but my headache gets worse and I rub the bridge of my nose to try and make it go away. “All right, fine. I'm sorry.”

She doesn't seem to like my tone, but accepts the half-apology.

Mr. Satou seems to sense Lilly's hesitation and seizes upon it. “If you're not feeling well, Hisao, you may want to consider taking it easy today. I had intended to ask you and Lilly to accompany you to an early lunch, but we can reschedule that for a later date. We have plenty of time to get to know each other better.”

Bastard, I think to myself.

“That sounds like a wonderful plan,” Lilly replies, feeding off of her fathers faux concern for me. “The three of us haven't had the chance to really sit down together.” Lilly beams a smile at me and wraps an arm tightly around my own “It would be nice to spend some alone time with both of my favorite men in the world.”

Mr. Satou laughs and even I can't help but force a smile for her eagerness. Even so, I do feel sad for Lilly, staring in the face of her ignorance.

Mr. Satou puts that damn cane of his under his arm and snaps his finger. Lilly hold out the music box which I take. She immediately removes herself from me and finds his hand on reflex like a well trained pet and it makes me cringe. “Lillian, why don't you and I take a trip into town and see if we can find a spot for our future lunch with Hisao? It's been a long time since I've been in the area and I'm not sure what places are open or appropriate.”
“That sounds like a lovely idea, Father.” She turns to me with a smile. “Will you be all right, Hisao? I wouldn't mind having the chance to surprise you for once.”

Even feeling Lilly pull away, I manage a smile. “Sounds great.” I hesitate before thinking of something. “Try not to make it as big of a surprise as our last date. I don't think I could handle that.”

She grins and a touch of a blush glows on her cheek. I enjoy the sight of it almost as much as the look of concern that Mr. Satou has.

Two can play this game, I think with a smile, his expression faltering at my jab.

“Till later, Hisao,” he says with a wary tone, leading Lilly towards the hallway. She giving me a little playful curl of her fingers as a wave goodbye.

Left alone in Lilly's room, holding her music box, the dry and aged wood creaks under my tightening grip and for the first time in my life, I truly, deeply hate someone.