Oregairu Vol.11 Chapter 9

Vol. 11 Chapter 9

[The Spring, buried underneath the snow, begins to sprout]

As the Ferris wheel descended, the snow continues on in a flurry.

The park's lawn was covered with a thin white layer, silently telling us of the time that has passed by. Somehow or another, we remained silent as we walked along the park's interior. Yuigahama walked forward, leading the way, followed by Yukinoshita and I.

Before long, the small path begin to merge with the long and large street from the station.
From here, if you continue on towards the left, it will lead towards the train station. If you turn right, then you will reach the beach.

"Hey……"
Yuigahama turned around suddenly, silently pointing her finger at the path ahead, as though asking us if we could stop by somewhere there.

It was the glass building I saw earlier on.It's name was CRYSTAL VIEW according to the display board. Probably a viewing platform for the
Tokyo Bay I guess.

Glancing at my watch, I noticed that there's still some time before it's time to head home. "Let's go."

I stopped and urged Yukinoshita on, and so we began walking to catch up to Yuigahama who was waiting ahead.

And so, the two of them walked for a short while.

The viewing platform itself was already closed, but part of the terrace was still open. We were able to view the Tokyo Bay even from there. Snow fell into the silently swaying sea. The setting sun oozed from the clouds.

The faint red and deep turquoise colour brightened up the plain white.

"O!" Yuigahama cried out at the very scenery in front of her.

Yukinoshita took a few steps back as the wind teased her hair. She pinned it down as she gazed into the distance, seemingly full of emotions.

There was no one but us. The sea stretched out all the way in front of us. In the distance, lights lit up the town.

Perhaps,it was a scenery that can only be seen at this instant. Slowly, the time passed by calmly. That's why, it cannot continue on for long.
Yuigahama leaned away from the fence of the terrace, and turned to look at us.

"What shall we do from here?"
"Go home?"
"That's not what I meant."
As I jest lightly, Yuigahama shook her head silently.

There was a serious edge to that voice. She took one step to our front and looked at us directly.

"About Yukinon. And also, about me. About us."

The words that were shot out made my heart jump. That uncomfortable feeling
I had always been embracing began to rapidly rear its head like a snake.

"What do you mean?"
After a brief hesistation, Yukinoshita enquired about the meaning behind those words. Thereupon, rather than giving her an answer, Yuigahama gave me a serious look.

"Hikki, here, to thank you for that time."

And with that said, Yuigahama took something gently out from her bag. A beautiful wrapping that contained cookies was held reverently by both her hands.

When I saw that, I was so taken aback that I could hear myself catching my breath. Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see Yukinoshita clutching her bag, whilst weakly shaking her head. And then, she gazed downwards at her feet. Yuigahama came in front of me by passing through Yukinoshita's side.

"My consultation, do you remember it?"

"Ahhhh"

My reply was so soft it could barely be heard.

How could I forget it? It was mine, the Service Club's first consultation that we had received. In the end, at that time, all I did was to use words to confuse. The solution that I gave was a far cry from a true resolution. And yet, despite this, Yuigahama had been trying to solve it properly with her own strength. This, was plainly shown.

Yuigahama appeared puzzled as my hands would not move to take the cookies. However, she pressed the cookies firmly onto my hand.

There was now a weight firmly resting in my palm.

The cookies that I could see from the cellophane bag were irregularly shaped, or had traces of burn marks or had an unusual hue to it. I could not honestly say that it was pretty.

However, one could tell from a glance that it was handmade. From this result, one could tell the effort and seriousness she put into it despite her being bad at cooking.

Yukinoshita gazed blankly at the cookie in my hand and let out a mixed sigh.

“Handmade cookies? This, is made by you alone?"
"But it is a bit of a failure isn't it?"

Yukinoshita shook her small head as though that didn't matter at all whilst
Yuigahama brushed off her embarrassment with a smile.

"Yuigahama-san, you are... amazing."
Her voice seemed like she was trying to be kind, or perhaps there was a sense of longing to it. Yukinoshita looked shyly at Yuigahama. Yuigahama returns her look with a happy smile.

"I said that I'd try it on my own. I said that I would do it my own way. And this is what I came up with."

And so Yuigahama gave her answer. "... That's why, this is just a thank you." With that said, Yuigahama puffed out her chest, and showed her bright smile.

If this was about that time, then the matter should have already been settled. What's past is past, it has already ended. I do not want to dig it up now after such a long time. If this was about thanking me, then I have already received more than enough.

That's why, it was illogical of me to receive this gift of thanks.

It's time to end what was already wrong in the beginning. It should still be possible for us to start over again. If that's the case, perhaps the feelings that were trapped inside, the answers too will change.

Supposing. Supposing if. If those feelings became anything special.

I averted my eyes from Yuigahama, and my throat let out a strangled voice. "You have already thanked me enough"

I did not want to confirm whether it was really just a gift of thanks.
Even so, whether it was really just a gift, I can't just accept it without giving it a second thought.

However, I was assaulted by a sense of regret the instance I said it. From what I could see, Yuigahama's face looked ready to burst into tears.

"Still, it's just a thank you."
Yuigahama spoke with a voice that sounded like she was being crushed to death.
Her expression was contorted as she bit her lips lightly. To hide the gleam from her eyes, she quickly turned her back to us.

"I want everything. Now, and from here on. I know I am unfair, mean even."
She sulked in a low tone as she faced the sky, weaving her words. It seemed to be a monologue rather than seeking some form of rebuttal or answer from us. Therefore, whilst looking at her back, the least that I could do was to listen carefully so as not to miss a single word. When she was done talking, her white breath rose up and melted away into nothingness. With that, she turned around and looked straight at us.

"I have already decided." Yuigahama's eyes were no longer wet, her gaze now reflected a strong sense of determination.

"I see......" Yukinoshita's murmur betrayed a sense of resignation. I was unable to utter even a single word.

Yuigahama gave us a small lonely smile.

"If we find out about each other's feelings, I think we won't be able to stay the way we are now. That's why, this is probably our last consultation. Our last request will be about us."

There was not one specific thing that she said. If she had said it out, then that would've confirmed it for all of us. She was just avoiding the matter.

Vaguely, faintly, she continued on without addressing the issue.

That's why, there's no guarantee that our thoughts envisioned the same thing.
However, there is no helping it in this case, Those words only appear to be the truth.

It was a suspicion that I had held in the corner of my mind for a very long time. It was something that Yuigahama was acutely aware of.

And now, one more person. Yukinoshita was looking down with her eyes closed. Her expression was unclear, but it was not one of objection, nor was it an interrogative look, just one that was listening in silence.

I think that even Yukinoshita has realized that.

"Ne, Yukinon, that contest we are having is still on right?"
"Yes, the loser will have to listen to whatever the winner says." Yukinoshita answered in bewilderment as she had not anticipated such a question.
Thereupon, Yuigahama touched Yukinoshita's arm softly, faced her directly and said clearly.

"The problems that Yukinon is facing right now, I know the answer." With that she patted Yukinoshita's arm softly.

The problems that plagues Yukinoshita, they have always been the reason behind her actions and words. More than anything else, Haruno
Yukinoshita had clearly stated it. The Yukinoshita Yukino of today, what's the best way to help her? I do not know. What could it be? The relationships with her mom, her sister? It could probably be one of them, then again, it probably would be one of them.

Yukinoshita hung her head in bewilderment. I don't understand, she murmured in a fading voice.

Yuigahama nodded her head gently and her hand left Yukinoshita.

"I think it is probably the answer for us as well." In the end, I still did not get it. Neither me nor her.

If I understood it, then it would probably fall apart.  The things that we have been ignoring would slowly fall apart.

Hence, no matter what the end is, it is inevitable that something will be lost.

In conclusion, the solution lies in the road ahead.

Yuigahama once again cut off her words and shook her small head.

And so, in addition to that, we found ourselves suddenly staring at each other.

"If I win, I'll take everything. It's probably unfair. But it's the only thing I can think of. I want things to always remain this way."
That's why, the answer that Yuigahama gave at first, it disregarded conditions, assumptions, equations, everything. It was just one of the obvious conclusions.


For example, even after all the processes, no matter what situations may await us, even if it would be impossible to reach an agreement, at least our answer would not change. It may seem like a lie, but those fun times would always continue on.

"What do you think?"
"What do I... That is...."
I choked on my words as I was posed that question by Yuigahama.

In retrospect, even if it means resorting to twisted methods or distorting the truth, I would still have held on to my answer, I would still have done it. Even if it's impossible under normal circumstances, as long as I was compelled, no, as long as I could justify it, then that wish would come true.

If I had made such an excuse, I would surely have convinced myself. I think that if times like this could continue on, then surely a little bit of discomfort for the sake of our happiness would be worth it.

Above all.

Yuigahama is probably not wrong. I have a hunch that she had always seen the right answer. I think that it would definitely be easier to just accept it. However....

Is leaving the incorrect things the way they are the right thing to do? Surely, that is the truth that we are seeking?

Yuigahama looked on kindly as I gnashed my teeth attempting to answer her. Following that, she gently took Yukinoshita’s hand.

“Yukinon, is that OK?” Yuigahama posed the question to her like a mother asking her child.

Upon being asked, Yukinoshita’s shoulders trembled. “Wa ta, shi wa…”

She averted her eyes to escape Yuigahama’s gaze. Even so, she was unable to give a proper response. Her thin voice faltered as she tried to craft her reply.

The instant I saw the state she was in, I knew it then. Ahh… this is wrong. She is wrong.

Yukinoshita shouldn’t be entrusting her own future to someone else. There is no way that that can be right. Yuigahama is an unfair girl, but surely, saying such a thing can’t be right.

“Even so, I…” “No.” I interjected.

Yukinoshita looked at me in surprise upon hearing my slightly raised voice.

“I cannot accept this proposal. Yukinoshita should solve her own problems herself.” Clenching my fists suddenly, I faced Yuigahama. I saw Yuigahama’s mouth tensing up, with an unusually cold look in her eyes.

Yuigahama Yui is a nice girl, I had decided that for myself willfully.
Yukinoshita Yukino is a strong girl. I had forced that ideal onto her.
Having said that, I have always been relying on their kindness. However, this is exactly why, this reliance must end. I can no longer run away from that kindness or repay it with a pack of lies. After all, that is why Yuigahama Yui is a nice girl and Yukinoshita Yukino is a strong girl.

“Besides, that’s nothing but… deception.” The words that I spat out disappeared to the waves. And just like a cycle, the waves continue to surge forward, being pulled along continuously. No one made any sound.

Yukinoshita looked at my moist eyes and her lips trembled whilst Yuigahama gave me a small nod as she looked upon my dim eyes, waiting for me to continue my words.

“Be it vague answers or superficial relationships, I don’t need any of those.”

What I wanted was something else. I know that I am being an idiot. I know that that’s definitely not it. I know how this will end, that I will end up with nothing. But still.

“Even so, I want us to think, to writhe, to struggle. I …”

The words that I wanted to say just wouldn’t come.

I know that this is not right. If you could say that it’s enjoyable, then I suppose it’s all right afterall.

If in the unlikely future, we are able to lives as we like, then I suppose no one would have to suffer. However, I want to discard away all those ideals. I do not possess the strength to continue living in these delusions. On top of self-doubt, I had no wish of telling any lies to those that I care about greatly. That’s why, the answer that I want. I want to obtain the answer I desire without lies.

Exhaling a hot breath, realizing that I was not going to continue on, Yuigahama looked at me directly.

“…  Hikki, I thought you would say something like that.” Yuigahama smiled gently with a grin on her face.

At that instant, a tear swiftly flowed down her cheek. What should I do? It would have been fine if not for the unsightly face.

Yuigahama and I exchanged glances, and gave a small nod to each other.

Her wish and mine were not visible. However that shape that it takes differs slightly and may not perfectly overlap. Despite saying that, it is not definite that they cannot become one.

No matter how I looked at it, there certainly exists a link somewhere. With that in mind, I turned and glanced at Yukinoshita.

Yukinoshita clutched her chests tightly. The teary eyed Yuigahama and looked at each other. There was a fleeting tremble in that look of unease. Yet, when I realized that I had been waiting all this while for her answer, I took a small deep breath.

“Don’t decide my feelings for me.” Yukinoshita rubbed her eyes as she sulked.

“Also, that’s not the last of anything. Hikigaya-kun, we still have your request.”

My request. Just as I was about to ask her about it, Yuigahama interrupted with a faint smile. She gave a nod to Yukinoshita. They smiled at each other as though they shared a secret known only to the two of them.

“And, one more thing.” Yukinoshita offered a smile, and turned her ever beautiful face towards us. As I waited for her to continue her words, she took a step. A step towards us. One gentle step.

“My request, will your hear it?” In between bouts of embarrassment, Yukinoshita said those words, to which Yuigahama smiled broadly.

“Sure, let’s hear it.”

With her answer, Yuigahama takes one more step forward, shortening the distance between us, and gently held out her hand. Before long, the evening’s setting sun and the sea casted silhouettes upon the white canvas.

It was faint, hardly reliable and the form it took was indistinct. But they definitely were linked, and they will definitely become one. If only, if wishes could materialize. That is definitely……