Johnny's Perfect Date
April 12, 2008 at 8:53am
Welcome, everyone, to the first installment in a series of "Perfect Date" episodes brought to you by Jacob Larson and myself. The first in the series revolves around a man we all know and some love, Johnny Edward Gomolka. The setting is several years in the future, when Johnny is in his mid-to-late twenties. Enjoy, and please leave comments and constructive criticism:

Johnny’s Perfect Date
by
Jacob Larson
&
Neal Sheforgen

Once upon a time, Johnny won front row tickets to a Fall Out Boy concert by being the most frequent visitor of absolutepunk.com. While they’re playing “Dead On Arrival” Johnny begins singing and air drumming. He glances to his right and sees a beautiful young woman similarly singing along and air drumming. Without exchanging words, they begin holding hands and singing along together. At the end of the concert, she slips her phone number into his pocket and disappears into the night.
Several days later, while walking through Columbia’s campus, he chances across the girl reading In Touch magazine, with Natalie Portman on the cover—only reading it because Natalie Portman is on the cover. They once again exchange glances, but nothing is said.
For the next week, Johnny contemplates calling the girl, but never musters the courage to do so. He thinks it must be fate if they meet again, otherwise he won’t worry about it.
The following day, he’s strutting down the beach with his perfectly toned, perfectly tanned body that he achieved through months of dedication and training toward his ideal body image. While The Format are playing on his brand new iPod, he once again happens across the girl, who Johnny is stunned at—she’s even hotter than he first thought. He sees her iPod and realizes that she’s listening to the same album. It was at this moment that Johnny truly believed fate had brought them together. This was the sign that Johnny was looking for to ask her out to lunch.
That same afternoon, they walk down the boardwalk only to run into a newly built Pepe’s. They sit down, and he lets her order first.
“I’ll have the chips and salsa, please,” she says. Over the ensuing hour, they enjoy profound conversation about celebrity relationships, Rock Band drumming techniques, John Mayer’s unparalleled guitar chops, and other various pop culture topics. At the conclusion of the meal, Johnny confidently and tactfully pays the bill.
As the sun begins to set, they leave the fine Latin restaurant and, while clasping hands, walk through the shallow waters and observe the beautiful fuchsias and magentas of the amazing day’s sunset.
Unfortunately, the date comes to a close, but she wants to meet with him later in the evening. She just so happens to know the VIP manager of The Underground—on a purely platonic level—and can get them in for free to the VIP suite.
After freshening up back home and looking more stellar than he ever has, he meets her outside the hallowed club. The bouncer seems incredibly excited to let them in, and compliments Johnny on his fine taste in footwear:
“Your monk strap loafers are neither foppish nor gaudy. I find them quite dandy, and wish to invest in a pair of my own. Please, inform me of the haberdashery where I may purchase such exquisite footwear.”
Johnny calmly slips the doorman a twenty for the trouble, and a business card of fine footwear store he purchased his shoes from. With that, he escorts his date straight to the VIP lounge.
Once inside, he realizes he’s in the presence of greatness. To his left stands Jeremy Piven. To his right is Christian Bale, holding a Heath Ledger memorial martini, or as they call it at The Underground, the Heathtini. Johnny approaches Jeremy Piven, and they hit it off as if they were old friends. To Johnny’s astonishment, he discovers that Jeremy has recently started a record label, and is looking for young talent who excel at acoustic guitar and Garage Band. He gives Johnny his card and asks him to send a demo as soon as possible.
In the meantime, Johnny notices out of the corner of his eye, Devendra Banhart hitting on his dream girl. She looks disgusted, and completely blows him off. She returns to Johnny’s side, repulsed:
“That guy wasn’t even half the man you are, Johnny. He didn’t deserve Natalie Portman when he had her.” With a grin, Johnny leads her to the door to prepare for their departure. At the last moment, he turns around and instinctively delivers the most witty, crowd-pleasing, hilarious joke of his life, causing the entire celebrity-ridden club to burst into fits of laughter.
They emerge from the club into the pouring rain of a typical Chicago summer evening, bid the doorman adieu, and begin flagging down cabs. After several unsuccessful attempts, a mysterious man in a black pea coat, with excellently groomed silver hair and a full, healthy mustache approaches Johnny.
“Take good care of it,” the man quietly mentions to Johnny, while simultaneously handing him a set of keys.
“And remember, pay it forward,” he adds. Johnny, bewildered, glances at the set of keys, only to see the face of a Jaguar looking back at him from the key fob. He looks up and observes a beautiful, freshly waxed Jaguar XK convertible. Astonished, he turns to thank the man, but realizes he has vanished into the night.
Johnny looks back across the street, and sees his date, standing in the pouring rain, soaking wet and shivering. Her makeup is running, her hair is slicked back and dripping, her clothes are ruined and adhering to her body, but still, she is the most radiantly beautiful woman Johnny has ever laid eyes on. She slowly approaches him, grabs hold of his shoulders, presses him against the car, and passionately kisses him like he’s never been kissed before.
At that very instant, lightning strikes, illuminating the beauty of downtown Chicago, and especially of Navy Pier, through the gloomy, stormy night. As they kiss, in the mellow glow of the streetlights, they both realize how silly it is to be out in the rain, and let out a giggle.
Johnny opens her car door, lets her in, and then slides into the fragrant Italian leather of the sleek automobile. He inserts the key, presses the start button, and looks at the dashboard display.
“Hello, Mr. Goudzwaard,” it says. Johnny, shocked, opens the console compartment and glances at the business card inside. “Andrew Goudzwaard, CEO, Bank of America.” Johnny laughs to himself and puts the card away.
As they speed down Lake Shore Drive, and the rain begins to let up, Johnny effortlessly glides between lanes like the best of Formula One drivers. His desire to get back to the apartment is like a magnet, pulling the car rather than letting him control it. He runs his hand through his still-perfect hair, realizing that he has never felt or looked so good.
As Johnny turns on to Rockwell, and sees his destination of 4738 N Rockwell, Apt 2, he begins searching for parking spaces. He notices one of the perfect size immediately in front of the apartment. Like the best of stunt drivers, he pulls the emergency brake, twists the steering wheel, and throws the car—back end first—into the parking spot, leaving only streaks of rubber on the asphalt and the echo of squealing tires in the humid night air.
Instinctively, Johnny begins to walk toward the back door, until he realizes that his average but competent roommates made him a copy of the front door key for free. To his relief, he opens the front gate for the first time ever, only to see a huge mud puddle in front of the apartment. One at a time, he removes each of his five heavy winter coats, and lays them down one after the other, to form a bridge for his date.
Upon reaching the front door, he makes his way up the stairs without even a peep from the dog on the first floor. He opens the apartment door and, to his amazement, it’s almost like walking into a new apartment. Jacob and Neal are standing in the living room, panting, weary from battle with the apartment. Johnny looks around, and sees they have cleaned every square inch of the space, fixed everything that needed fixing, painted all the walls, hung Johnny’s favorite art pieces, and removed any offensive odors and replaced them with the scent of freshly laundered clothes.
Johnny excuses himself to the sparkling restroom to freshen up. In the meantime, Jacob deceptively and sneakily begins running game on Johnny’s date. She rejects him flat out and tells Jacob something that cuts straight to his heart and makes him realize the error of his transgressions, both past and present. She returns to Johnny’s side, Jacob following shortly behind.
“Please forgive me of my wrongdoings, Johnny. I’ve become acutely aware of my indiscretions and I cannot apologize enough.” He grovels at Johnny’s feet, begging for his mercy and forgiveness. Johnny pats Jacob on the head.
“Don’t worry about,” Johnny coolly exclaims. That was the point where Johnny could finally trust Jacob around any and all of his female acquaintances.
As Johnny’s date freshens up in the restroom, Neal approaches Johnny.
“Johnny, I was wondering if Jacob and I could please respectfully use your television and Playstation 3 in order to watch Entourage. I’ve really come around and realized what an amazing show it is and hope that someday we can watch it together and share some laughs.” Johnny gleefully accepts and watches as Neal and Jacob retire to the living room.
Returning to his own quarters, Johnny lights a candle and begins putting away his John Mayer Signature Fender Stratocaster when he hears a voice from the doorway behind him.
“Play something for me, please.” Johnny straps on the guitar and begins playing his favorite segment from a John Mayer song, note-for-note, better than he ever has. It was as if John Mayer himself were playing it. Mid-strum, Johnny suddenly stops with an epiphany.
He stares down at his John Mayer Signature Fender Stratocaster and begins to play a Johnny Gomolka original. Completely in the zone, free of any distractions, he begins playing perhaps the most beautiful piece of work ever produced from a John Mayer Signature Fender Stratocaster. He glances upward at the conclusion of the song, only to see his date smiling but with tears streaming from her eyes. At a loss for words, she remains silent, stunned.
Johnny quietly sets down his John Mayer Signature Fender Stratocaster, realizing the only way they can express their true emotions and feelings for one another is physically. He lays her down in his king-size bed and they make love until the wee morning hours.
Waking with a start, Johnny realizes that he had left Garage Band recording from his previous session. This means that it recorded the entirety of his masterpiece. While his date slumbers peacefully, he quickly cleans up the demo and sends it to Jeremy Piven. Within mere minutes, Johnny’s phone begins to vibrate.	“This song is going to be platinum by next week. You’re going to be rich,” Jeremy tells Johnny. Johnny quietly sets down the phone and retreats to the kitchen to make breakfast for the whole apartment. He’s unsure of what to make or exactly how, but he feels like now is the time.
Over breakfast, through the smells of delicious, thick-cut bacon, and steaming eggs Benedict, Jacob remarks:
“Johnny, this may be the best breakfast I’ve ever had.” Both Neal and Johnny’s date concur wholeheartedly.
After a brief shower with Johnny, his date leaves the apartment. She turns to Johnny, kisses him lightly on the cheek, and says:
“Call me at least eight times tonight, one right after the other.” Johnny smiles and returns to the apartment. Once inside, he asks his roommates about the new girl. Both agree that she’s absolutely stunning—a perfect specimen of the female body. They also agree that she has a perfect personality and think that she and Johnny will be so happy together—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Finally, they tell Johnny how they are impressed with this fateful encounter.
As Johnny begins reflecting on his date, his phone once again vibrates. He picks it up, only to see, “The Sara Faye Mosey calling.” He begrudgingly answers the phone.
“Johnny, I heard all about your date. I know what you’re thinking, but no—I’m very happy for you. I hope that you two are happy together and I wish you the best of luck. Also, I wish to tell you that I’ll be remaining single and not dating anyone, and I’ll be incredibly happy doing so. Finally, if under some completely strange stroke of luck, the two of you don’t work out, remember I’ll always be here for you.”
With that, Johnny hangs up his phone in complete nirvana, and realizes he has just had… the perfect date.


The End