I hope my reply doesn't sound horrible. I'm quite calm while writing this to begin with, so I'm feeling optimistic that I will be able to control myself. Here's hoping I don't get as upset reading it as I did on Sunday.

I know you're unable to make a decision, I am too. I don't feel like I'm good enough for you, or if I'm worth the effort at all, and sometimes I just want to push you away because I feel that isolating myself will make it easier. It won't, and this is a defense mechanism I've grown from my anxiety and PTSD. If a situation or task is making me too nervous, I will avoid it. I've pushed people away from me all my life, and that's not got me very far at all :(
Honestly, I really did trust myself too when I said that about Jo. I didn't think I would ever find myself in a situation like that again, and I thought it was all going to work out. It hadn't been because I was lonely that I did that with Jo, I didn't mean it like that when you asked. I don't know why it happened, but I know that I felt awful about it, and Jo was hysterical and I needed to sort the situation out. Once I had let you know, I thought that was it, that nothing like that would ever happen again. I hadn't anticipated what happened in London with Michael, and for a long time all logical thought and behaviour went out the window. I didn't love him, I didn't like him, and after the event I tried so hard to bury and hide everything that happened, and I found myself unable to remember at all what had occurred during that space of time. I remembered the fight with my uncle, because it kept getting brought up, and multiple family members were having talks with me about it, trying to reassure me that it was okay, or just asking how I was. I was the only one there to deal with being raped. I didn't know how to talk to anyone about something like that, and I didn't think I had to. My method of burying and suppressing any memories of the event worked, or at least, worked when it came to avoiding the painful trauma. My actions during that time were horrendous. I can hardly remember a lot of what happened in between being in Glasgow and returning to Dundee because my memory just doesn't work like that when it comes to the time around then, but I know it was spent by myself drinking and considering suicide, as well as getting high on prescription medication. I remember talking about the strangling situation, and that wasn't how I described it. You say there's gaps in the story, and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to give you all of the details as a) you don't need those details in your head b) I can't tell you because it is so horrible and painful and impossible to accurately account through words the actions of the scene that played that night c) traumatic memories leave blanks. There are details and things I cannot remember because my brain has just refused to store them. I have leaflets from my counsellor on PTSD that I will show you, and hopefully you will be able to understand better.

I'm sorry I was cold to you last summer. I was still trying to cope with what had happened, and you were on no accounts my second choice. I love you so much, and I did then, and I know I didn't show it and I'm sorry. I'm a horrible person for how I treated you. I remember nice things too, but I guess they don't matter. I do remember having sex with you, and I'm sorry I made those comments. I don't know what I meant, but that was cruel and heartless and I admit fault there. I haven't been like that since, I don't think, and I was in a very difficult time back then. x-x  I don't only show you affection through sex, and I don't really know what to do, because you've said before that you are afraid that I don't have sex with you because I don't find you attractive, and then when you say that your previous relationships were all about sex, that gives me the impression that that's not what you want, since you've said you weren't happy in those relationships. I'm just very confused by the whole subject, but none of the reasons I don't have sex with you often is because of you. I'm not comfortable in the body I'm in, and I find it hideous. What happened with me and you was different than me and Andy. I've said before to not compare us to anything else like that that happened, because we've got something special, and I trust you, and I love you, and that's not at all what it was like with anyone else.

I didn't know you got a new phone. Idk how everyone else tweeted and stuff back then, but the house didn't have internet while I was there at all. My phone was still that shitty black brick, so I had no means to use the internet at all. I remember when Jo asked me about you and I, and asked if I was paying enough attention to you or w/e and I freaked out cause I thought you'd said something to her, so I texted you and freaked out about that, and you said something like you'd thought the same and hadn't said anything like that at all. It was my first proper relationship, and I know that when I was in one with Oren and he tried to talk to me every second of the day that I was massively put off by that. It wasn't like that with you at all, but bearing in mind I'd never had anyone that I could talk to all day everyday without getting bored or upset or annoyed at their company, I wasn't really aware that I could actually do that with you. It's not that I didn't love you, I am naturally an extreme introvert by nature, and I have never had someone like you as a friend or a companion. Obviously, after spending more time with you and getting used to your company, and getting over what had happened to me during the summer, I began to warm up to you. Sorry I seem cold. Really, it's how I've always been. :( I know that you might not believe that or understand or whatever, but I have always been a loner, or strange, or the type that just disappears into the background most of the time. Everything I do and feel is usually so closed up inside me, that it might be why you didn't see remorse. I didn't see you often, I didn't talk about how I was feeling so much back then, and I didn't know how to deal with a situation like that myself. I remember nights you and Andy would be together, and I would get extremely upset and agitated, and wouldn't be able to figure out why. I think I was scared of what might happen between you and him, and I did worry in London if the same thing might happen while he was there with you. It didn't, so I don't know what was different then. I was really torn apart by what happened, I almost told you so many times. I remember on your birthday I was freaking out so much and felt like I wanted to die, and didnt text you cause I didn't want to ruin your night out. I wanted to tell you then, I wanted to tell you so many times, but I never did because I was so scared and anxious, but I never did. x-x God I feel awful now, because I hadn't remembered those things until now. I wish I had evidence, or whatever, but I don't. All I know is that I felt so wrapped up in guilt so much, and I've got no way to prove it to you. X-x

The situation where that guy kissed you isn't the same, I've said that before. I didn't blame you, I blamed him, and so I should of because that sort of thing is grounds for sexual assault.  Honestly though, a lot of why you're angry is because you're thinking like “well I wouldn't have done that in that situation so if Jack had really loved me than he would have acted like_____” and you -can't- know what you would have done in a situation like that, because you cannot imagine what it feels like to be raped x-x
I'm not mad at you when I say this, I'm just trying to make you understand that it's not the same as anything you could have ever experienced, there is no point of reference to the amount of disgust and pain you feel at yourself after something like that happens. I know you say you're not trying to say you understand, but when you compare how you felt after that guy kissed you to how I felt and reacted after I woke up and realized I slept with Andy, it's just not at all the same sort of feeling, and no two people are going to react the same way, especially if one of those people is suffering from PTSD x-x

Obviously I don't think what I did was right, but things -did- change between me and him. The only evidence you have is tiny little details like the ones you've mentioned where you've gone back to see what has been said on twitter, it's not at all a good representation of how we used to be like with each other compared with how we were like after the mistake happened. Things did change. I know you're so mad and you feel I should have acted differently, and yes I agree, but I cannot do anything about it now. I accept that I was wrong, I understand why, but I stand by the fact that nothing was between me and Andy, and that we had both tried to pretend it never happened. Obviously I still felt guilty about it, since I told you it did happen when you asked me. If I was sneaky and manipulative, you still wouldn't know. Idk I mean I guess I'm just ranting now. I feel so upset and filthy about what happened and I have ever since it did happen, and to hear you say I didn't feel guilty because you didn't see it? I don't know. x-x

I didn't want to feel loved by anyone else, I was making stuff up to fill in the blanks in my head because I didn't have anything there as a point of reference. It was stupid. I discussed it with my therapist, who agreed that its difficult telling someone what happened when you don't have the full story yourself because of the way your brain has stored it. I wasn't attracted to Andy x-x I wasnt at all in any way.

I will be more open about sex. You can tell I'm embarrassed to talk about it still with you sometimes because I don't know what you want. And you've said recently that you felt like I was the one in control of the relationship so you'd just follow along. I don't want it to be like that. You've never asked me for anything and I'm scared in case it's all been me taking from you and I feel disgusting for that. That's not who I am and I wouldn't be like that if I didn't trust you, but please let me know if you're not comfortable doing anything. I will not force you into anything at all, and please tell me if you feel like I am. X-x I already feel like I'm a horrible partner, and I don't think I am any good for you at all because before any of this happened I thought you'd been hapy with the relationship and now all of these things have cropped up and I can tell that you're not happy and it doesn't seem like this is what you want, and I feel like I'm just dragging you through hell. X-x

When it comes to roleplaying, I don't care that you don't do it. I don't find it a compulsory part of a relationship. Playing video games with you is more than I could ever hope for with anyone, and I love spending time with you and watching movies and listening to music and everything. Roleplaying is not even second on the list to how much I enjoy spending time with you. Just because you don't write stories or w/e doesn't mean I'm going to leave you??? Part of me still wants to be a writer, but idk if that will ever work out. I like making stories and telling stories, but the people I roleplay with are so unreliable and sometimes I just don't want to be in their company that there's no point even trying to write with them. Roleplaying isn't what makes me want to spend time with people, I am fine with you not roleplaying and please don't feel like that's something you have to take part in just to please me.

Also I only play Borderlands by myself, really. Simone and I played the first game all the way through, and I played a bit of Borderlands 2 with people I used to know, but I really just wanted the game cause I like handsome jack. I'm sorr you freaked out, but a lot of the time I only want games so I can play them by myself. I don't go for multiplayer options at all, cause I've never really been into online multiplayer.

You didn't deserve this, and you do support me. You've never been a burden to me at all, and I'm sorry you feel that way. Sorry if I make you feel unwanted at all, I know I'm a horrible person. X-x I never feel like i'm good enough for you either, and I haven't done through our entire relationship. It was why I was so surprised that you said yes on the day that you did, because I was so sure someone as good as you would never love or like someone as crappy as me.

Cheating is one of the worst things I could do to you, I know that. I would never do it again, and I have been trying so hard to make you know that I'm not that type of person, and that I will not let that happen to you again. You're not boring, and I hope that you do manage to get over this without being paranoid for the rest of your life. :( I am not even considering what people I might meet while I'm at Uni. I'm not even considering making friends. I know that it might happen, but it's not something I'm looking forward to or w/e. I'm not even thinking about having anyone else in my life at all apart from you, and honestly, going to your LGBT thing and Jo's birthday isn't because I'm looking forward to seeing people there, or having a good time there, I'm just looking forward to making sure you have a good time, and spending time with you. That's all I'm ever looking forward to in the future, is being happy with you.